OH a pain when drunk

[kentishgirl]

Hi

I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for about 10 months and we now live together, and are talking of marriage. There's just one thing that bothers me - and I can't seem to get anywhere talking to him about it - and I can see that over a few years it's going to become more annoying for me.

He likes his beer, and going to the pub with mates. This, I don't mind. He doesn't drink terrible amounts, but he drinks quickly and is a bit of lightweight compared to his friends. He gets drunk quickly. He only does this when I'm not there - he paces himself more when I'm around and never been a problem when we are out together. the problems are

1. sometimes he'll go out and not come back for 2-4 hours after I was expecting him. I would like him to text me to let me know plans have changed. He has never done it. and then he gets the hump because I've got the hump. It's not that I feel any need to control what he's doing, and I've explained that, it's just inconsiderate to leave me sitting at home wondering what's going on. For example he normally gets in from work around 6. Last week he came rolling in drunk at 9. He'd been planning to cook dinner for us. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry so ended up cooking dinner, but then felt guilty about eating before he was home in case he was just stuck in traffic or something. but no, it was the pub. I felt like I was just hanging round for him. If he'd let me know he was going out, no problem.

Then when he gets home drunk he is so difficult. He cycles through all 3 of these behaviours and will keep it going for hours. Frankly, it's boring and annoying!

1. He's repetitive and demanding - wants to keep telling me the same anecdote over and over again. He also gets argumentative - not about anything serious but something silly - something in the news, or politics, or I don't know, daft stuff. He admits himself he just feels like having an argument. These days I just cut him off and refuse to talk about whatever it is.

2)) He gets all smoochy and lovey dovey in a really demanding way - I'm trying to watch TV for example and he's all over me, wants to keep staring in my eyes declaring love. I love him too but this is every few minutes and it's sorta whiney in the way he does it (not like his usual affectionate self). It's just attention seeking. I humour it for a bit then start not wanting to play along, and then he gets really whiney 'you don't love me' blah blah.

3. the whiney phase. I don't love him. I'm never going to marry him. He's not good enough for me. I'm going to leave him. Blah bloody blah.

then back to stage one all over again! all night.

i love him and we are so happy together. He really is the man for me - other than all this stuff. It happens maybe 1 - 3 times a month. I don't think I can stand a lifetime of it. I suppose it's harmless enough, just so bloody irritating. Once he got nasty (verbally) and upset me and was mortified the next day and hasn't done that again. Once he did it 3 times in one week and I calmly told him I wasn't going to have a life with a pisshead, and he cut down a lot after that.

But it still happens sometimes. Like tonight. I was home trying to study for something important and he's rolled in, keeps interrupting me, has told me the same story about someone 4 times so far, I kept trying to be nice and just say 'yes, you've told me, now please leave me to get on with this, love you' but he then went into big speech about 'oh you are annoyed with me now, I know I'm not what you want, you're going to leave me...blah blah'. I've just shut myself in the bedroom to study with the door shut now and left him to it, after giving him a kiss and telling him not to be silly, I love him, but please don't start all this tonight, I haven't got time.'

How can I talk to him about all this? I don't want to control him, i don't want to issue any ultimatums, I don't really want to change him (sometimes he's gone out and then just come home and gone to bed and left me in peace, that was ok) but i really can't stand this behaviour. It's the whining that gets to me more than anything.

OP, my personal feeling, when reading your opening post, was that this man's drinking simply magnifies the unsavoury, annoying, selfish, childish parts of his personality which he otherwise manages to keep hidden. I actually cringed when reading of his behaviours. I found myself thinking 'how does this woman bring herself to have sex with this idiot?' How do you overlook the fact that he's an utter imbecile when he drinks?

OP you need to talk to him during one of his completely sober moments. Tell him exactly how you feel about this, AND why. If he wants you enough, he will commit to doing something about it. If however he just wants you to put up and shut up or doesn't want you enough, then he will be resistant to change. Make your decision based on the outcome. If you choose to stay with him that's fine. We're all entitled to our own choices, that's as it should be. Many don't have the perfect partner in this life. They tend to see & know their partners for who they are in the main, tho

Ok, well I may as well admit that the love of my life is an alcoholic - and I still have times when I think I love him.

In fact, I suppose I do. I get to keep those feelings, though we are apart - he left me about 8 years ago, when he realised I didn't want him to drink around me and the baby, and he found himself another alcoholic to hook up with (I never did drink but till we tried living together it didn't matter).

He married her instead and is still with her. She's pretty horrible. Ds hates her, I hate her. He hasn't changed at all, and he sleeps around and lies to her and drinks in secret even though she has a problem as well.

I feel well out of it tbh. His behaviour was shite at times, well, most of the time but because I loved him I didn't care. Then the baby happened and I cared more about the baby than him. So I said no drinking, and he left.

It broke me in half, and I thought I would die, but I didn't, and here we are. I can now see his behaviour for what it is, and though he is pretty ace in many ways, he's also a complete tosser. And though part of me would have stuck with him till the day he died, or I died, or whatever - the other part of me is bloody glad I don't have to put up with being lied to, cheated on, and treated appallingly any more.

So I can see how someone can be great as well as useless and abusive. I think I am fortunate that the decision was taken out of my hands when I put some boundaries up, and he decided they were too high for him. I'm sure if I had not been like that about the drinking, he might have stayed. But it would have been very unhealthy for me and the little child we had had.

HTH a bit.

Rooners - that sounds awful and you were so right to put your child first.

'How do you overlook the fact that he's an utter imbecile when he drinks?' I suppose it's because it's not every time he drinks, usually he is fine and normal with a drink, it's just now and then when he's been off to pub with mates. I don't know if they egg him on/are a bit of a bunch of macho twits (the racist joke was a text from one of his mates, who sends a constant flow of offensive racist/sexist/whoever's died text jokes that I really don't find funny) or why it only happens then. This thread has made me realise that it doesn't matter why it only happens then. The only important point is that I don't want it to happen. He can drink - but he has to play nice afterwards.

So here's the options

1. Carry on like this = relationship will end. I agree it will only get worse (at the moment he is skint and I do worry about how often it'll be happening once he gets new job and more money in his pocket. I can't tolerate it now, no way would I tolerate any more)
2. He accepts he acts like a dick after drinking with his mates. He stops acting like a dick afterwards.This is a slim hope. It's possible - he has improved to a certain extent already. But not enough. I don't know if he would be capable of stopping completely, I doubt it. So probably not the best option. If he fails, it's back to option 1, isn't it.
3. He accepts he acts like a dick after drinking with his mates, and that he can't stop that behaviour. Therefore, stops drinking with mates. End of problem.

I can see your thinking but to me, I think it goes beyond the actual behaviour into why he is doing it.

You seem to think it's either his mates making him act like this (ergo, he could tell them to get to fuck, if he chooses you over them, they will take the piss, but he'll have made his decision based on preferring you to them. This is unlikely as he's already made his preference clear - 'I like getting drunk' etc)

or that he is doing it because he thinks you don't mind but really you do, so once he is clear on that, he will stop and all will be fine and he'll be a proper grown up with no further issues.

I am afraid I really don't think this is addressing anything and he is, actually the bloke you encounter when he has been drinking with them, it's real, it's part of his make up and you can't, sadly, just erase it because you don't like it.

His sense of humour is clearly shite if he likes texts like that. His mates have appalling taste. You can tell a lot about someone by the company he keeps. He likes this humour, likes these men. That tells you what is inside his mind.

I really value my own stance on jokes like that and behaviour like that. I wouldn't care who was encouraging it in someone I was close to. It wouldn't matter. The fact he was enjoying it would mean we were WORLDS apart in our cultural perceptions. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

And from your opening post, I don't think you can either. But his behaviour - continuing to do it or covering it up for your benefit - doesn't change the fact that he likes that sort of thing. And that's what would matter, to me.

It'd be like going out with someone who liked Jimmy Carr. One of us would have to go.

Rooners - youre a brave and strong woman. My DDs father liked a drink - he didn't drink daily so I wouldn't call him an alcoholic - but when he did drink, he was unbearable. He wasn't particularly nasty, but he talked on & on repetitively, jumbled nonsense, and could keep that up for hours on end. I remember 1 night when he said 'Im going to talk to you all night'. & then he did. Even when I went to bed he climbed in and was talking in my ear. Sounds funny, I think! But it really, really wasn't I ended up in tears I was so tired, upset and frustrated. I eventually lost all respect for him. Especially when DDs began to grow up, and could see his behaviour. They thought it was a joke at 1st, they were young what did they know. We split up years ago. Now that my DDs are in their late teens they still love their dad but don't respect him really, which is sad. None of this changes the fact he was a brilliant guy, I loved his zest for life. & he was my 1st love I could never hate him. But the drinking and the crap talk & belligerence attached to that, I would not & could not live with. Particularly when you're a mum raising children, that kind of thing becomes beyond irritating and upsetting, when you've already got enough to contend with.

Kentish Girl - " He can drink - but he has to play nice afterwards." That's the best option. Talk to him about it on that basis. & tell him without question, to lose the racist jokes. Im always loath to be quick to say 'LTB'. If he acknowledge and accepts how detrimental this is to you and relationship and then wants to work towards changing - as in, a serious ongoing effort not just a half-hearted attempt to please you for a while - then, you may have a chance

Mistress - it's not necessary to drink every day to be an alcoholic.

I cannot imagine this man ever giving up his mates because they are at heart the same as he is. Drunkards tend to stick together and this man also has "Peter Pan Syndrome" to boot.

Option 3 is a non starter, end of. Think option 1 will have to be done in the end.

tribpot - No, I suppose it isn't. But since I put me & DCs 1st and got out of situation pretty quickly (thank god) I guess I don't know too much about it, and Im glad.

Agreed, Mistress. It just might help your DDs at some point in the future to know that alcoholics come in a variety of shapes and sizes.

Theyre grown now and don't drink at all. They still see their dad & see and know exactly what he's like. As said although they love him they don't respect him & are pretty disparaging when it comes to even mates who drink to much. So I guess...they'll do. They've mainly been raised by my OH who Ive been with for a good number of years now, and he's a very good role model for them.

Op I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I don't have any advice to add to the already excellent posts.

One thing did strike me though, and that was your comment earlier about him having to go part time. I was quite that he'd head to the pub more on reduced income rather than be sensible and watch pennies. This is an expensive habit to have and really is literally peeing money down the drain.

You're at risk of financing this behaviour in the long run too. I don't think he's worthy of your time but only you can decide that. Good luck

I know some of you think 'no hope' but we talked and I was very clear to him that I would not be living with this. We agreed the 'ok to go for a drink but not ok to act like a knob when you come home' option.

I was studying today and he went out for a few hours. I knew where he'd be (pub!) but he came home after a couple of hours not even slightly pissed as only had a couple of drinks, said hello, then left me in peace by watching TV until I finished my studying. He's just going to zip up the road for an Indian takeaway for dinner.

Fingers crossed that the message hit home this time and he keeps it up.

I wish you luck OP but he acts like a knob because he is a knob, and he drinks the way he does because he's an alcoholic.

Good luck and come back any time.

Hi - one month update.

I think/hope the point hit home at last.

He's been out with friends a couple of times, but only for an hour or so, and comes home sober. Last night he instigated a conversation about it all, apologised, and said he didn't want to lose me by acting stupid.

Time will tell, of course.

I've been married for over 21 years to a guy like this. He drank a lot when I met him but I didn't think much of it. His drinking has progressively gotten worse over the years. I love him but HATE his drinking. He is tedious, annoying and obnoxious when he's drunk, and has embarrassed me countless times.

I really hope for your sake that he has truly changed his ways. If you have any doubts about this, DO NOT get married to him. Best of luck to you.