OH a pain when drunk

[kentishgirl]

Hi

I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for about 10 months and we now live together, and are talking of marriage. There's just one thing that bothers me - and I can't seem to get anywhere talking to him about it - and I can see that over a few years it's going to become more annoying for me.

He likes his beer, and going to the pub with mates. This, I don't mind. He doesn't drink terrible amounts, but he drinks quickly and is a bit of lightweight compared to his friends. He gets drunk quickly. He only does this when I'm not there - he paces himself more when I'm around and never been a problem when we are out together. the problems are

1. sometimes he'll go out and not come back for 2-4 hours after I was expecting him. I would like him to text me to let me know plans have changed. He has never done it. and then he gets the hump because I've got the hump. It's not that I feel any need to control what he's doing, and I've explained that, it's just inconsiderate to leave me sitting at home wondering what's going on. For example he normally gets in from work around 6. Last week he came rolling in drunk at 9. He'd been planning to cook dinner for us. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry so ended up cooking dinner, but then felt guilty about eating before he was home in case he was just stuck in traffic or something. but no, it was the pub. I felt like I was just hanging round for him. If he'd let me know he was going out, no problem.

Then when he gets home drunk he is so difficult. He cycles through all 3 of these behaviours and will keep it going for hours. Frankly, it's boring and annoying!

1. He's repetitive and demanding - wants to keep telling me the same anecdote over and over again. He also gets argumentative - not about anything serious but something silly - something in the news, or politics, or I don't know, daft stuff. He admits himself he just feels like having an argument. These days I just cut him off and refuse to talk about whatever it is.

2)) He gets all smoochy and lovey dovey in a really demanding way - I'm trying to watch TV for example and he's all over me, wants to keep staring in my eyes declaring love. I love him too but this is every few minutes and it's sorta whiney in the way he does it (not like his usual affectionate self). It's just attention seeking. I humour it for a bit then start not wanting to play along, and then he gets really whiney 'you don't love me' blah blah.

3. the whiney phase. I don't love him. I'm never going to marry him. He's not good enough for me. I'm going to leave him. Blah bloody blah.

then back to stage one all over again! all night.

i love him and we are so happy together. He really is the man for me - other than all this stuff. It happens maybe 1 - 3 times a month. I don't think I can stand a lifetime of it. I suppose it's harmless enough, just so bloody irritating. Once he got nasty (verbally) and upset me and was mortified the next day and hasn't done that again. Once he did it 3 times in one week and I calmly told him I wasn't going to have a life with a pisshead, and he cut down a lot after that.

But it still happens sometimes. Like tonight. I was home trying to study for something important and he's rolled in, keeps interrupting me, has told me the same story about someone 4 times so far, I kept trying to be nice and just say 'yes, you've told me, now please leave me to get on with this, love you' but he then went into big speech about 'oh you are annoyed with me now, I know I'm not what you want, you're going to leave me...blah blah'. I've just shut myself in the bedroom to study with the door shut now and left him to it, after giving him a kiss and telling him not to be silly, I love him, but please don't start all this tonight, I haven't got time.'

How can I talk to him about all this? I don't want to control him, i don't want to issue any ultimatums, I don't really want to change him (sometimes he's gone out and then just come home and gone to bed and left me in peace, that was ok) but i really can't stand this behaviour. It's the whining that gets to me more than anything.

'He is a pisshead. As you well know.

This is the part where he is trying his best to keep you. What do you think will happen several years into the marriage?'

That's what is worrying me, yes.

What I am trying to say is that I can understand you like him. I can understand that he is good at certain areas of domestic stuff, and that he isn't all bad as a human being.

What I can also see is that he has a drink problem and an attitude problem. And he's pissing you off.

He's not a cooker. You can't say 'well it makes good scones but the grill is crap, but I don't like grilling stuff, so I can live with it'.

You can't live with someone who behaves like a weirdo when he's pissed, knows it upsets you, and carries on regardless.

Emotionally it will be a pile of crap for you. It already is. You know this.

You're trying to justify staying with it because it means a lot to you to keep it all together. That's natural - what you have to do though is use your heart a bit more, and your head a bit less, and stop rationalising. The fact is you hate what he is doing, and that should signal the end, or at least the stagnation, of the relationship, because there are only forward and reverse gears in this car and you have to choose one or the other unless you stay exactly where you are. (which isn't working)

I hope that makes sense, not trying to upset you.

I married a man just like your DP.

The drinking has escalated. He's never nasty when drunk, just clumsy, dull and boorish. And selfish. We've had hundreds of 'chats' about his drinking.

I'm on the cusp of leaving.

How can a man of his age still not have figured out his drinking limits??? Drinking to humiliation point and passing out regularly should really be limited to teenagers/student years.

And he isn't drinking because he's insecure in your relationship. That's ridiculous.

That would be beyond irritating to me. So pathetic and needy and well, just so desperate. I don't think I'd ever want to have sex with my husband again if he behaved like that.

And why not just have a straight to the point chat going through exactly what he said and did and explaining why its not on. Why avoid him feeling criticised? You are criticising and so you should.

Sorry but I have no idea why you wouldn't have fully addressed this the second time it happened.

And my dh and I like a good sociable drink and enjoy getting pissed. So I'm not some po-faced killjoy.

Come on OP. You sound like a bright woman. Too bright, perhaps - because this is very, very straightforward.

He's a boring, tedious, annoying, unreliable, miserable, self-pitying, no-fun-at-all drunk. He will not change, but you will see more and more of this unpleasant side of him as the months go by.

You need to be a big girl now and accept that you have made a mistake and end this relationship. It's only 10 months - I've persevered with uncomfy shoes longer than that.

Don't do yourself down by 'compromising' on something that should NEVER be compromised on. You know better than that.

Also he is buying your love by cleaning your oven.

Just like a 4yo boy with a flower he's picked for you, because he's been naughty.

Honestly it is so unattractive it makes me want to stick pins in my eyes for you.

'The problem is, he's abusive and you're far too desperate to have a partner to be able to see it.

Yes. He is abusive. His abuse of you will get worse - the groping, the whining, the aggression'

I'm far from desperate, believe me. I'm very happy to live on my own, I've always really enjoyed it :-). But I enjoy living with him, too. I think it's going too far to say this is abusive. I have lived with abusive. I was married to it. i recognise it when it happens, and I know the warning signs. I know the difference between a nice guy with a problem, and someone who is outwardly very charming but a total git inside. Give me a little credit here. It's annoying, and frustrating, but not abusive.

One time he made me upset. And it wasn't even what he was saying (NOT abusive stuff) so much as my getting frustrated. He hasn't done it again. And that is the only time he's ever upset me. One time in 10 months is ok by me - who can say they've never upset their OH?

Honestly you need to get out now before you get more involved. Don't underestimate how draining it is living with somebody who has issues like this with alcohol.

"He's a boring, tedious, annoying, unreliable, miserable, self-pitying, no-fun-at-all drunk."

that about sums it up. i suppose I find it hard to understand as it's only when he's drinking with his mates without me that he comes home like this. When i'm there, whether it's just us, or with other people, he's fun, interesting, happy drunk.

I wonder if he can explain why that is?

..and before you all say it, it's not because I'm probably also drunk then, lol, he behaves very differently.

anyway he's just sheepishly stuck his head round the door to ask how the studying is going, and offer me a cup of tea.

You're overthinking this, OP.

It doesn't matter why he does it. It only matters that he does. You're not his psychoanalyst - stop treating him like a puzzle, a project for you to work on.

Living with a drunk - ANY kind of drunk - is an almighty arse-ache.

Chuck him back, really.

'Sheepish'?

God, do you really want to hitch yourself to this?

You will rapidly lose all respect for him if you haven't done so already

NaffOrf - yeah, I love to analyse everything to death.

Sheepish? He damn well should be!

He knows you hate it.

He still does it.

He knows you hate it.

He still does it.

You like to over-analyse? Analyse that.

I sound stubborn, don't I. I do know what you are all saying, and no, I don't want to be dealing with an alcohol problem all my life. i'm not at the point of giving up yet though.

My limits are
going out with mates, letting me know, getting drunk = ok
inflicting twattish behaviour on me when you get in - not ok and continuing to do so will kill off relationship

Knock yourself out, OP.

Your limits mean nothing to him.

I know someone who gets pissed on one glass of wine. She's not a lightweight, she's a long term committed alcoholic.

RIght, you've had a previous abusive relationship so your boundaries are fucked. You're going to stick with this abusive drunk because he's not as bad as the last one - because you haven't grasped the idea that actually there are nice men out there.

Your maths are not quite adding up to me, OP. All these episodes, but only 1-3 times a month over the 10 months you have known him ?

Exactly how quickly did you move him in ?

You are minimising and rationalising. It is a mistake to do that. Unfortunately you seem hell bent on learning it the hard way and won't listen to advice from impartial commentators.

Do your children live with you OP?
If you don't have enough self respect to kick him out for the way he treats you, at least do it for them.

Just because your last dickhead was a 10/10 abuser doesn't mean a 5/10 is a huge improvement.

The only level of dickheadedness acceptable in a relationship is none

Ok, you know what the thing that will change is?

That night he slipped up and was abusive. As time goes on, as the lovey-dovey new relationship feeling subsides, that's how he will start being to you when he is drunk. Nasty, verbally abusive. The whining will slide into berating, and in a couple of years you'll regularly be a shitty fucking bitch who doesn't give a shit about him on a Friday night after a session.

This is him at his best.

Move on, is my advice.

ouch, I knew I shouldn't have said ex husband was abusive, as you'd all think I was a poor doormat/mug/too blind to see etc etc. Ex husband had serious mental health issues that he then refused to be treated for (is now, many years later) and very different situation. And yes, I could see what was happening, and yes, I got out.

Ex husband wasn't 'the last one'. Last one lasted 10 years. Was not abusive.

I do think OH is a nice man. I could give you a list of why but you'd all just think I was trying to justify things. He does have a problem though, yes, and it is a problem that could lead to the end of our relationship. It's not so much that what he does is so terrible, it's more that I know I can't live with it.