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Original poster

OH a pain when drunk

144 replies

kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 18:52

Hi

I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for about 10 months and we now live together, and are talking of marriage. There's just one thing that bothers me - and I can't seem to get anywhere talking to him about it - and I can see that over a few years it's going to become more annoying for me.

He likes his beer, and going to the pub with mates. This, I don't mind. He doesn't drink terrible amounts, but he drinks quickly and is a bit of lightweight compared to his friends. He gets drunk quickly. He only does this when I'm not there - he paces himself more when I'm around and never been a problem when we are out together. the problems are

  1. sometimes he'll go out and not come back for 2-4 hours after I was expecting him. I would like him to text me to let me know plans have changed. He has never done it. and then he gets the hump because I've got the hump. It's not that I feel any need to control what he's doing, and I've explained that, it's just inconsiderate to leave me sitting at home wondering what's going on. For example he normally gets in from work around 6. Last week he came rolling in drunk at 9. He'd been planning to cook dinner for us. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry so ended up cooking dinner, but then felt guilty about eating before he was home in case he was just stuck in traffic or something. but no, it was the pub. I felt like I was just hanging round for him. If he'd let me know he was going out, no problem.

Then when he gets home drunk he is so difficult. He cycles through all 3 of these behaviours and will keep it going for hours. Frankly, it's boring and annoying!

  1. He's repetitive and demanding - wants to keep telling me the same anecdote over and over again. He also gets argumentative - not about anything serious but something silly - something in the news, or politics, or I don't know, daft stuff. He admits himself he just feels like having an argument. These days I just cut him off and refuse to talk about whatever it is.

2)) He gets all smoochy and lovey dovey in a really demanding way - I'm trying to watch TV for example and he's all over me, wants to keep staring in my eyes declaring love. I love him too but this is every few minutes and it's sorta whiney in the way he does it (not like his usual affectionate self). It's just attention seeking. I humour it for a bit then start not wanting to play along, and then he gets really whiney 'you don't love me' blah blah.

  1. the whiney phase. I don't love him. I'm never going to marry him. He's not good enough for me. I'm going to leave him. Blah bloody blah.

then back to stage one all over again! all night.

i love him and we are so happy together. He really is the man for me - other than all this stuff. It happens maybe 1 - 3 times a month. I don't think I can stand a lifetime of it. I suppose it's harmless enough, just so bloody irritating. Once he got nasty (verbally) and upset me and was mortified the next day and hasn't done that again. Once he did it 3 times in one week and I calmly told him I wasn't going to have a life with a pisshead, and he cut down a lot after that.

But it still happens sometimes. Like tonight. I was home trying to study for something important and he's rolled in, keeps interrupting me, has told me the same story about someone 4 times so far, I kept trying to be nice and just say 'yes, you've told me, now please leave me to get on with this, love you' but he then went into big speech about 'oh you are annoyed with me now, I know I'm not what you want, you're going to leave me...blah blah'. I've just shut myself in the bedroom to study with the door shut now and left him to it, after giving him a kiss and telling him not to be silly, I love him, but please don't start all this tonight, I haven't got time.'

How can I talk to him about all this? I don't want to control him, i don't want to issue any ultimatums, I don't really want to change him (sometimes he's gone out and then just come home and gone to bed and left me in peace, that was ok) but i really can't stand this behaviour. It's the whining that gets to me more than anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 19:33

"It May be that he has in securities that he can only let out in not very appropriate ways while he is drunk.

If so, he needs to work a way to talk about things when he is sober and sensible.

Otherwise his fears- that you will leave him- are likely to become reality"

I think this is true. We tend to avoid the subject. I know he is insecure. I guess we need a sober heart to heart to get to the bottom of it all and see if there's a way past this. I know he gets insecure as he wants to get married and I keep fobbing him off - I've said yes for the future but not committing to it yet. And that makes him insecure. which makes him drink. Which is the big reason I'm not committing to marrying him, along with it all being too quick from my liking. all a bit of a circle.

OP posts:
Rooners · 10/02/2014 19:35

'And that makes him insecure. which makes him drink. '

There's the flaw in your circle Kent. Smile

YouAreMyRain · 10/02/2014 19:37

Do not marry him.

You are ten months in.

This will only get worse.

The likelihood is that his drinking/behaviour gets worse. Best scenario is that his drinking/behaviour stays the same but every time it happens, you will find it more irritating, more disrespectful, more exasperating.

Living with a drunk is really lonely, and really fucking annoying.

YouAreMyRain · 10/02/2014 19:38

And what rooners said too.

cjel · 10/02/2014 19:42

The way you say 'its not that bad - just a weird blip and doesn't happen that often sound just like I used to say about my violent bullying ex because 'hes lovely really'

No he isn't! Hew knows you don't like it and won't change - not lovely.

HandragsNGladbags · 10/02/2014 19:46

So if you are too old to be having any more kids you are not youngsters first starting out are you? I would think the thought of babysitting a pisshead so often would be really wearing.

Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 19:47

Hmmm...it's been really useful to hear what you all have to say, and take a step back.

I've realised it's actually a similar situation to my work as a manager. I have a good team but sometimes one of then goes a bit off course. and the funny thing is that what they do 'wrong' is another aspect of what they do 'right', just taken in the wrong direction or too far. I actually like the fact that he is friendly and outgoing and sociable (ex of 10 years was a bit of a misery guts), likes a drink, and likes going to pubs. so do I. I just don't like it when it goes too far. so I'm going to sit down and talk to him tomorrow from this angle. Hopefully it will make him feel less criticised, and get him to think about it.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 10/02/2014 19:51

Eugh, if you are not 100% happy with the way this is going, don't get more involved!

Ten months is nothing. Imo this is also around the time irritating character flaws and such like tend to come out of the woodwork. Past the first few months of good behaviour, people start to relax and their true self starts to "shine" through.

Now you know who he really is, can you see a future, honestly?

Having made similar mistakes in the past I would personally wait a good year -18 months before moving in with someone, because if you do it when you've still got the rose tinted specs of romance on, you can have a nasty wake up call a few months down the line.

How easy would it be to move out / for him to? Has either of you still got your old place, for eg?

Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 19:59

No, I'm happy living with him. But no intention of getting married for a good couple of years - AND only if we can sort this out.

I think I'm pretty good on the rose tinted specs thing. the other couple of relationships I've had failed because of things that were obviously a real problem very early. this is not as bad as those, believe it or not. there are a couple of minor things about him that I don't particularly like but we've talked about those and in one case he's reassured me, and in the other I've accepted it's just the way he is and it's something I can work around/live with without a problem. So I'm seeing the good and bad, in a realistic way, I think. There are things about me that he doesn't like either, but he accepts them as the way I am. that's the way it is in a relationship. No-one is 100% perfect. I've been round the block too many times to be conned, promise.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 10/02/2014 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 20:03

Yes, I hear what you're saying. Been there myself. And on the receiving end of it when I didn't want to change to suit my then OH. He either accepts this as a problem, and we can try to sort it out, or not.

I am NOT marrying a pisshead.

That's a little unfair to call him that. I don't think he is an alcoholic. Just a bit too in love with the laddy image and torn between wanting commitment (he's pushing that along, not me) and freedom. He has to decide what he really wants most.

OP posts:
JenBehavingBadly · 10/02/2014 20:05

He's come in drunk on a Monday night?
He turned up 4 hours late when he was meant to cook you dinner.

Erm, you're not being controlling, that's a proper problem that is.

I'm sure he has his redeeming features, but 10 months in being let down by his boozing doesn't bode well.

Rooners · 10/02/2014 20:07

Having a heart to heart with him about it will only achieve making you more his mum, in his mind. You're doing what he wants - taking the responsibility.

He is thinking 'I can keep doing this and she doesn't like it, but that's good, she's looking after me and I've found a new mum'.

It's giving him the green card to keep acting like a baby.

Good luck with him. You're going to need it.

KingRollo · 10/02/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 20:10

Part of the problem is that he only works part time at the moment - it was full time but work has cut his hours down as there isn't enough work for them all. he is applying for other jobs but gets bored at home doing nothing. that's why he went out drinking this afternoon.

(He does all the housework and cooking and shopping and stuff as I work full time, but that only keeps him busy for so long).

OP posts:
Rooners · 10/02/2014 20:11

Btw why did his previous relationship(s) end? You don't have to answer that to us, but ask yourself.

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/02/2014 20:13

How much is he drinking every week?

Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 20:15

...and I don't have to ask him to do any of that. He enjoys cleaning (far more houseproud than I am) and is always tidying up. He even just does the things that men don't usually think of, like cleaning the loo, and wiping down the skirting boards. He's dismantled and cleaned the oven once a month so far (I can't even remember when I last bothered to clean an oven, I usually just let anything burn off, lazy confession there). In fact I tease him about having OCD! He likes cooking and he's a better cook than I am. He's a 'new man' when it comes to things like that - so he's not looking for a mummy.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 10/02/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairylittlegoblin · 10/02/2014 20:16

10 months in and he does this? And not just as a random, special- occasion-overdid- it- a -bit type thing. Run for the hills. It isn't an minor thing
It's the tip of the iceberg.

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/02/2014 20:17

I agree Rollo. More than aware of the horrors of living with a problem drinker Hmm

Rooners · 10/02/2014 20:18

'He even just does the things that men don't usually think of, like cleaning the loo, and wiping down the skirting boards.'

You've got a low-ish opinion of men there, yes, he is ticking a few unusual boxes. That doesn't cancel out all the shit stuff.

CoteDAzur · 10/02/2014 20:18

He is a pisshead. As you well know.

This is the part where he is trying his best to keep you. What do you think will happen several years into the marriage?

Original poster
kentishgirl · 10/02/2014 20:19

Some weeks he won't drink anything. Other weeks he'll have a couple of bottles of wine at home (in a week, not night!). When we go out to the pub together (a couple of times a month) he usually drives so will only have 1 or 2 pints of beer. If not driving, probably 5 or 6 pints.

I don't know how much he drinks when out with friends. He may not go out with them at all for a few weeks. and then another week it'll be a couple of times. all very random, no set pattern to it. It was once this week so far, once last week, and the time before that was just after new year.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2014 20:19

There isn't anything wrong with liking a drink at the age of 50. The problem isn't even that this man is a shit drunk.
The problem is, he's abusive and you're far too desperate to have a partner to be able to see it.

Yes. He is abusive. His abuse of you will get worse - the groping, the whining, the aggression - and every time he will blubber and boohoo away about how sorry he is. Until he just does it again, a few days later. He is fundamentally selfish, and a man who doesn't really percieve women as human.
WHat's the house situation? Is it your house he's moved in to? Or have you been desperate keen enough to buy one with a man you've known for less than a year? Either way, your best option is to dump him, but somehow I doubt you will.