OH a pain when drunk

[kentishgirl]

Hi

I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for about 10 months and we now live together, and are talking of marriage. There's just one thing that bothers me - and I can't seem to get anywhere talking to him about it - and I can see that over a few years it's going to become more annoying for me.

He likes his beer, and going to the pub with mates. This, I don't mind. He doesn't drink terrible amounts, but he drinks quickly and is a bit of lightweight compared to his friends. He gets drunk quickly. He only does this when I'm not there - he paces himself more when I'm around and never been a problem when we are out together. the problems are

1. sometimes he'll go out and not come back for 2-4 hours after I was expecting him. I would like him to text me to let me know plans have changed. He has never done it. and then he gets the hump because I've got the hump. It's not that I feel any need to control what he's doing, and I've explained that, it's just inconsiderate to leave me sitting at home wondering what's going on. For example he normally gets in from work around 6. Last week he came rolling in drunk at 9. He'd been planning to cook dinner for us. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry so ended up cooking dinner, but then felt guilty about eating before he was home in case he was just stuck in traffic or something. but no, it was the pub. I felt like I was just hanging round for him. If he'd let me know he was going out, no problem.

Then when he gets home drunk he is so difficult. He cycles through all 3 of these behaviours and will keep it going for hours. Frankly, it's boring and annoying!

1. He's repetitive and demanding - wants to keep telling me the same anecdote over and over again. He also gets argumentative - not about anything serious but something silly - something in the news, or politics, or I don't know, daft stuff. He admits himself he just feels like having an argument. These days I just cut him off and refuse to talk about whatever it is.

2)) He gets all smoochy and lovey dovey in a really demanding way - I'm trying to watch TV for example and he's all over me, wants to keep staring in my eyes declaring love. I love him too but this is every few minutes and it's sorta whiney in the way he does it (not like his usual affectionate self). It's just attention seeking. I humour it for a bit then start not wanting to play along, and then he gets really whiney 'you don't love me' blah blah.

3. the whiney phase. I don't love him. I'm never going to marry him. He's not good enough for me. I'm going to leave him. Blah bloody blah.

then back to stage one all over again! all night.

i love him and we are so happy together. He really is the man for me - other than all this stuff. It happens maybe 1 - 3 times a month. I don't think I can stand a lifetime of it. I suppose it's harmless enough, just so bloody irritating. Once he got nasty (verbally) and upset me and was mortified the next day and hasn't done that again. Once he did it 3 times in one week and I calmly told him I wasn't going to have a life with a pisshead, and he cut down a lot after that.

But it still happens sometimes. Like tonight. I was home trying to study for something important and he's rolled in, keeps interrupting me, has told me the same story about someone 4 times so far, I kept trying to be nice and just say 'yes, you've told me, now please leave me to get on with this, love you' but he then went into big speech about 'oh you are annoyed with me now, I know I'm not what you want, you're going to leave me...blah blah'. I've just shut myself in the bedroom to study with the door shut now and left him to it, after giving him a kiss and telling him not to be silly, I love him, but please don't start all this tonight, I haven't got time.'

How can I talk to him about all this? I don't want to control him, i don't want to issue any ultimatums, I don't really want to change him (sometimes he's gone out and then just come home and gone to bed and left me in peace, that was ok) but i really can't stand this behaviour. It's the whining that gets to me more than anything.

No, I haven't posted here before.

He's an alcoholic.

Trust me, I know. I've seen enough of them. He really,really is.

We have such a fucked up perspective on alcohol in this country we often don't recognise it.

Now decide whether you want to be in a relationship with one.

Your OH sounds lovely when not drunk, OP. But I don't think the woman exists who could put up with that for years on end...you'll end up braining him, or he'll drive you mad. Personally Id reach breaking point pretty soon. 'Irritating' will become a huge red flag in time to come, because irritation for the reason you've mentioned is only going to grow over the years, if your OH doesn't stop. If you're intending to marry and he knows how strongly you feel about this then he really should sort this out. Its not as if you're telling him not to drink. Its a road to long-term misery. Best to sort before you even think of marrying him. If he wont change well then, you will have a huge problem on your hands unless you've got the time and inclination to 'babysit' him when he goes out for a drink. Good luck

He sounds like a massive bore. What was the question again....?

Age and parenthood haven't made him grow out of this. What makes you think you will?

The racism alone would be a deal breaker for me.

Age and parenthood haven't made him grow out of this. What makes you think you will?

This

He regularly drinks to excess but doesn't abuse alcohol and tells racist jokes but isn't a racist, are there other things he does but isn't? When someone shows you who they are, pay attention.

You're still in the 'if he could only understand how this hurts me" fog. He knows exactly how you feel, you've said it often enough, he just doesn't care. Until there are real consequences for his repeatedly shitty behaviour things won't change. Have you ever said to him that he has to sober up elsewhere when he gets drunk?

He repeatedly tramples over your boundaries because they are not clearly marked and are poorly defended. Stop having chats and start locking the door, currently you are the only one inconvenienced by his bad behaviour. I'm guessing you haven't done this because you know it would trigger his aggression and then you'd have to think of another set of excuses for his behaviour.

OP you remind me so much of myself when I was with someone fairly similar.

The way you're posting about it like it doesn't matter if he's a loser, you don't mind, it isn't affecting you - well maybe that is part of the problem, you need to let it affect you and get a bit angry about it.

He's perhaps not racist but he's using racism to piss you off on purpose, because, this is how he has learned to relate to women.

And at 50+ he isn't likely to change even if he really wanted to, which I would bet everything I own he doesn't.

It's totally up to you if you want to waste your time with this jerk but we wouldn't understand why if you did.

That's all there is to say really. Go for it, if it's worth it to you. But he doesn't sound much of a catch to any of us.

Actually the one I defended wasn't quite like this. The one who was like this, I sacked off pretty fast when he started on the racist jokes 'to wind me up'.

He couldn't believe it.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

You are allowing yourself to be dragged down by him; this racist, abusive drunk. I do not think also that you can bring yourself to realise that once again you have chosen a man badly so you persist with this out of misplaced pride and perhaps even a rescue and or save him from himself mentality. You state you are happy together - no you are not, clearly not.

It's horrible to read this thread, kentishgirl. Because you are of an age and stage in life where you shouldn't feel the need to put up with anything that irritates you (whether you are being unreasonable or not in finding it irritating).

But this behaviour from him is just shit. And the really sad thing (and I genuinely don't mean this to sound patronising) is that you can't judge this behaviour for what it is - though maybe the fact that you posted on here about it was your way of testing your feelings on it?

Either way, I hope you can move on from this. Life's too short.

Thanks again, all, lots of food for thought.

'What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.' Loads, actually. All this is just an occasional few hours. Like I said before, if I put down a list of the good stuff, everyone will jump on that as my trying to justify something. I don't justify what he does when he's a nuisance at all - there is no justification, but it doesn't mean the rest of the relationship must be rubbish. It isn't, not all at. It's really good. If it weren't, then I wouldn't be with him now.

I suspect that this has played a part in the failure of his other relationships, from what he has said (filling in the gaps).

so he's got a choice to make. Stop the twatty behaviour after he's been with his mates, or this fails as well.

'so he's got a choice to make. Stop the twatty behaviour after he's been with his mates, or this fails as well.'

Yes, exactly. The thing is though, it looks from the outside really, really blimming unlikely that he will choose to stop it. I think that's all we are collectively trying to tell you.

"you have to choose, its me or the booze"

Either you are tee total or you are out.

Not one pint, not xpeical occassions but never

"I don't justify what he does when he's a nuisance at all - there is no justification, but it doesn't mean the rest of the relationship must be rubbish. It isn't, not all at. It's really good. If it weren't, then I wouldn't be with him now".

If you think this is really good then that does not say much for your own parameters on relationships does it?. Denial is a powerful force after all.

How can being a racist, boorish drunk not make the rest of your relationship rubbish? Why are you determined to compartmentalise this man's behaviour?

"Yes, exactly. The thing is though, it looks from the outside really, really blimming unlikely that he will choose to stop it. I think that's all we are collectively trying to tell you."

I understand this. He either sorts himself out or doesn't. Be it on his own head.

I just resent the many comments like this. 'If you think this is really good then that does not say much for your own parameters on relationships does it?'. I'm not stupid. I can judge for myself whether the relationship as a whole is good or not. When I say it's good, it is. My emotionally abusive marriage was when I was 19 years old (young and dumb) - 30 years ago. That doesn't prevent me from having good judgement now or being capable of recognising problems/expecting a normal relationship. I am a completely different person now. His acting like a twat a couple of times a month isn't something I'm accepting - but there's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater if he takes the responsibility to deal with this.

OP, why have you started this thread if you feel he will 'take the responsibility to deal with this'? What did you want from us? You may feel indignant about some of these posts but some of us feel as though you are minimising what is actually a serious problem, despite the manifestations 'only' lasting 'a few hours a week'.

You are accepting it hough, as he still does it.

All this advice and still you know better :(

I started this thread because I've got to a point where, yes, it's a dealbreaker for me. I was hoping for some advice on how to talk to him about it, I suppose. Thanks to those who shared their experiences and offered a bit of genuine, balanced, perspective (even those with a pessimistic view, I appreciate it and def. hear what you are saying). I don't know if he will sort it or not. If not, hey ho, plenty more fish in the sea.

To everyone else, Never mind, you are all right, I'm just some moron who's being horribly abused, conned and manipulated by an evil master-criminal and my entire relationship is obviously a complete load of toss in every single way (as someone who acts like a twat sometimes is clearly 100% bad) and I'm just too downtrodden and stupid to see that. Boy, someone as dumb as me shouldn't be allowed out alone, should I.

OP you wanted advice on how to talk to him about his drinking. You tried to talk to him about it and he made a racist joke. There's your answer.

You say he needs to choose when in fact he's already chosen. Given the choice between you and his mates, booze and twattishness the latter wins hands down.

Your relationship is the proverbial 'curate's egg': an egg that is bad in parts is a bad egg.

I was hoping for some advice on how to talk to him about it

With respect - nonsense.

you're clearly an educated, articulate woman. You KNOW how to talk about it.

What you were looking for was reassurance that other people were putting up with this kind of crap from their 'wonderful in all other respects' partners and you weren't a complete loser for doing so as well.

You don't like it because we are all saying that this man is not a prince, and that you have made a catastrophically bad error of judgement.

It's OK. We've all made mistakes.

OK I'll stop chucking my toys out.

It's just going to be so, I don't know, disappointing if this otherwise brill thing has to come to an end because a grown man can't behave after a few drinks. He's Peter Poxy Pan - doesn't want to grow up.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I can understand a 22 year old not wanting to grow up...

he is 50 ++++