Hi
I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for about 10 months and we now live together, and are talking of marriage. There's just one thing that bothers me - and I can't seem to get anywhere talking to him about it - and I can see that over a few years it's going to become more annoying for me.
He likes his beer, and going to the pub with mates. This, I don't mind. He doesn't drink terrible amounts, but he drinks quickly and is a bit of lightweight compared to his friends. He gets drunk quickly. He only does this when I'm not there - he paces himself more when I'm around and never been a problem when we are out together. the problems are
- sometimes he'll go out and not come back for 2-4 hours after I was expecting him. I would like him to text me to let me know plans have changed. He has never done it. and then he gets the hump because I've got the hump. It's not that I feel any need to control what he's doing, and I've explained that, it's just inconsiderate to leave me sitting at home wondering what's going on. For example he normally gets in from work around 6. Last week he came rolling in drunk at 9. He'd been planning to cook dinner for us. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry so ended up cooking dinner, but then felt guilty about eating before he was home in case he was just stuck in traffic or something. but no, it was the pub. I felt like I was just hanging round for him. If he'd let me know he was going out, no problem.
Then when he gets home drunk he is so difficult. He cycles through all 3 of these behaviours and will keep it going for hours. Frankly, it's boring and annoying!
- He's repetitive and demanding - wants to keep telling me the same anecdote over and over again. He also gets argumentative - not about anything serious but something silly - something in the news, or politics, or I don't know, daft stuff. He admits himself he just feels like having an argument. These days I just cut him off and refuse to talk about whatever it is.
2)) He gets all smoochy and lovey dovey in a really demanding way - I'm trying to watch TV for example and he's all over me, wants to keep staring in my eyes declaring love. I love him too but this is every few minutes and it's sorta whiney in the way he does it (not like his usual affectionate self). It's just attention seeking. I humour it for a bit then start not wanting to play along, and then he gets really whiney 'you don't love me' blah blah.
- the whiney phase. I don't love him. I'm never going to marry him. He's not good enough for me. I'm going to leave him. Blah bloody blah.
then back to stage one all over again! all night.
i love him and we are so happy together. He really is the man for me - other than all this stuff. It happens maybe 1 - 3 times a month. I don't think I can stand a lifetime of it. I suppose it's harmless enough, just so bloody irritating. Once he got nasty (verbally) and upset me and was mortified the next day and hasn't done that again. Once he did it 3 times in one week and I calmly told him I wasn't going to have a life with a pisshead, and he cut down a lot after that.
But it still happens sometimes. Like tonight. I was home trying to study for something important and he's rolled in, keeps interrupting me, has told me the same story about someone 4 times so far, I kept trying to be nice and just say 'yes, you've told me, now please leave me to get on with this, love you' but he then went into big speech about 'oh you are annoyed with me now, I know I'm not what you want, you're going to leave me...blah blah'. I've just shut myself in the bedroom to study with the door shut now and left him to it, after giving him a kiss and telling him not to be silly, I love him, but please don't start all this tonight, I haven't got time.'
How can I talk to him about all this? I don't want to control him, i don't want to issue any ultimatums, I don't really want to change him (sometimes he's gone out and then just come home and gone to bed and left me in peace, that was ok) but i really can't stand this behaviour. It's the whining that gets to me more than anything.