Please help.

[Loveyouthree]

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading :(

sorry OP - x-post

I don't know if you have heard of the Freedom Programme - but you can do it via Women's Aid or even online HERE

Making a fuss as you put it may end up saving your life one day. I have to say what you have described is the one of the worst stories I have read on here. Have you seen Woman's Aid today for the appointment? What have they advised.

I cancelled womens aid :(

I was too scared they'd contact social services or something. But I said I'd ring them if things got bad again, and I will.

Not sure if you've said anything up-thread, but has he considered or have you suggested getting help for his drink/drugs issues?

I wouldn't worry about missing a night out with the girls, I'd worry about being raped or assaulted. I don't know how you can leave your children with a rapist and wife beater.

I don't know if Women's Aid would contact SS, but at least someone would be putting their needs first.

OP what would you say if your daughter told you her partner raped her, slapped her and put his hands round her throat, would you tell her it was her fault or would you be calling he police? What if your grandchildren were living with an abuser - what would you do?

OP - i'm glad you have been stronger today. I'm glad you told him no more forced sex, and that the marriage is off (It is off? Not sure if you have actually cancelled or just waiting to see...)
Is that your line in the sand? If he does kick off, strangles you, rapes you, hits you, will you get back onto WA? It's a shame you cancelled them, I think you'd be enlightened if you talk to them. They will help. You don't need to do it all alone. And they won't take your dc away if you are doing all you can, trying to give them a decent, safe childhood.

Glad you are off out with friends. I really hope he is remorseful, and aware of what he is losing. Unfortuanately i think he doesn't realise, or doesn't care. I really hope for all your sakes that he doesn't try to punish you for this.

Yeh if it was my children I'd get them out of there.

And all fathers get access to their kids, so they'd always be around him in one way or another.

He hasn't touched drugs for a long time, and he actually rarely goes out now, but yeh he is hopeless when he's had a few drinks.

Yeh the weddings definitely off, we can't afford it anyway so no point dragging it out. I know how good womens aid are because I've sadly been involved with them before. I know they'll help fantastically if things get unbearable again.

In what way will he punish me?? Genuine question. Like I said he doesn't dwell on things... He's really forgetful as well. It's me that's punishing him if anything!! He doesn't want to have the ring back, or sleep on the sofa, or have no sex for potentially weeks or months until my libido is back. But he has no choice now.

"And all fathers get access to their kids"

Actually, no, they don't. If he is a sufficient danger to them, he won't necessarily. He's demonstrated plenty of times that he's capable of extreme violence.

Please please reach out to the support network there is to help you and your children escape, before he does something none of you can come back from.

Seriously, they do. Even if its supervised or whatever.

A solicitor warned me that it was highly likely my abusive, violent, mentally ill parents would get access to my children at court because they'd seen my son regularly before I tried to cut them out of my life.

So yeh, I have little faith in family law!

No. Grandparents have no rights in law to see grandchildren. FACT. Unless they have parental responsibilty, or can prove that they are a beneficial infulence on them - and that has to go to court.

Fathers, if they are violent, may get supervised access, that's all. And even that needs to be court-assessed. Honestly, it all has to be shown to be in the childrens interests, not theirs.

They have now, they can request it. They are rich and they'd have got it. I had to give in before it got to court. It nearly killed me.

Ah, I am so sad reading some of your posts, please reconsider getting in touch with Women's Aid. Ask them if they can refer you to the Freedom Program, I really think you would benefit from the learning there. Or perhaps ask your counsellor to refer you if having Women's Aid involvement scares you.

I don't think you would suffer any negative effects from having WA support, they are non-judgmental unless your children are at risk. If your children were at risk, then surely you would understand the need for extra involvement, or are you afraid that this would make his abuse more real and less possible to excuse?

If you are truly worried about them involving social services, I want you to look at why? They can only do this if there is threat to the children. If you believe he isn't a threat and you've taken him back into you and your children's life, then surely you don't need to worry? If you are worried about him finding out, ask yourself why you are worried?

Also, please reconsider about contacting the police if he violates you, either violently or sexually. It's a crime, but it will never stop if he never suffers any repercussions. You are thus enabling him to be violent and rape through your fear of contacting the police. Would you perhaps feel better if you had someone else contact them for you should he act like this again? Or are you afraid that by taking that step it will make him mad? Why don't you value your own body enough to allow criminal acts against it? Would you contact the police if he attacked one of the children?

Keep searching inside yourself for answers. Keep believing you are worth more than this. Keep finding out about these sorts of situations and why men do this. It may be that there is trauma in his past, but whilst that explains it, it doesn't excuse it. I know you suffered trauma too, and perhaps you feel like you want to love him because you both suffered similar things, but that still doesn't excuse the behaviour if it continues, and the best way to help him is to make sure he confronts this by leaving and showing him it is not acceptable. Loving him and enabling him only continues to allow him to be damaged and abusive.

I won't give up on you. I know you need to have this support. I hope that you will see eventually how harmful this situation is for you and the kids.

So as it stands, you're waiting for him to come back tomorrow? Is it likely he'll be drinking over the weekend?

I know of a man who is barred from contact with his children, and he is less abusive and violent than your partner - if a man is that dangerous and violent he will not see his children.

Well it would be my word against his if police are involved, and I feel like it would be adding more stress to my life :(

I'm not worried about him finding out about social services - I told him its a possibility. He was sad obviously and said maybe he should go and look at that flat then with the intention of moving in. But I didn't want to agree to that, not if we're trying to work things out.

I'm only scared of SS being involved after reading all these comments!!

Yes he's due back tomorrow. No idea if he's planning on drinking, why? If he goes out in town or whatever then he will, but I'm not sure what his plans are because I told him I've claimed Saturday night!

Reporting his assaulting you is not going to be more stress than living with a man who rapes and assaults you. I'm worried that you're running around him trying to placate and reassure him.

"He's hopeless when he's had a few drinks" - what are the chances he'll kick off when he gets home? Do you feel safe in those circumstances?

People are asking about his drinking because drink is related to violence.

Your word against his -and whatever bruises, strangulation marks, scratches...
What if he goes out drinking Saturday, regardless of your' claiming'it? This is a dangerous man, even without adding alcohol.
Please stay safe

OP would you pack a bag for you and the kids and leave it with a friend? Call it your MN bag, and do it just for us?

We're all concerned for your safety OP and wondering what might trigger him...

Oh god, no. When he's drunk he's so bloody crap, he'll stumble up the stairs, have a wee, get into bed and start snoring!! Then obviously in the morning he's lazy and it annoys me. As I said I hate feeling ignored.

I'd pack a bag if I had anywhere to go. No one would take me and the kids.