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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex issues

66 replies

Nostromo · 09/02/2014 18:23

My OH has an extremely high libido. He would happily have sex every day, twice a day with a few knuckle shuffles thrown in for good measure.

I could quite happily never have sex again. It truly wouldn't bother me.

This difference in libidos is causing a problem. My OH will sit in his room for hours on eBay, barely spend ten minutes with me in 24 hours and then come in and ask if I'm up for it?

We have four kids, the oldest is 15, the youngest 10.

When I do capitulate, he lays back and asks me to be 'nice to him' his way of asking for a BJ. He always tries to get me to have anal sex and I just don't want that, thank you very much, but he never leaves it alone and constantly fiddles with my bum, saying I'd like it if I gave it a go.

I've tried telling him I'm not a porn star (he watches a lot of porn) and that those women have enemas and if he did it with me he'd get poo on him, but he just says he'll wear a condom.

When we do have sex he acts like he's in a porn film, and constantly asks if he can film close ups of our genitals doing it.

To be frank, I don't want to have sex with him anymore because of all these off putting sexual demands. He keeps trying to fist me and tells me if I just put up with a little pain he'll be successful and he gets all sulky and like a little boy when I tell him to stop, cos it hurts.

Physically, I don't find him attractive. He's got a big beer belly and cold flabby skin with wiry hairs and his breath is like sour meat at times.

I know, I'm moaning a lot, I know I'm not perfect either, but am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 09/02/2014 18:27

Fuck no. He sounds awful.

Normally I have to admit to being a bit Hmm at mismatched libido threads, but that's not even your problem. Your DH is a selfish prick who's been ruined by porn, knows fuck all about women and expects you to lie back and accept that. He seems totally unaware of the role that sex should play in a healthy relationship.

bakeroony · 09/02/2014 18:30

Ergh! Has he always been like this?

If not, why do you think he's changed?

TurnipCake · 09/02/2014 18:32

I actually withered whilst reading your post, OP. He sounds utterly vile.

AuntieStella · 09/02/2014 18:33

This isn't really a mismatched libido question.

It's a description of a non-functioning relationship with zero communication at any level.

Do you want to try to get the relationship back (which will bring a better sex life)? Or do to think you are close to the end of the road?

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 09/02/2014 18:34

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Cabrinha · 09/02/2014 18:34

If he cares enough about you (not sex) to have any chance of sex with you again, I think he needs to go cold turkey on the porn, and give you a reason to want to be intimate with him. And by intimate, I mean even touch you.
I'm so sorry - that sounds horrid and utterly disrespectful, you say no to fisting / anal, he shouldn't be pushing it.
Is sex the only issue?
I'm reluctant to even talk about working out the sex issue, because if there's more (he's sounds awful to you) then it's not a case of working on sex, but deciding if you want to continue the marriage at all.

Coconutty · 09/02/2014 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

antimatter · 09/02/2014 18:36

so many things you wrote about would make me never look at a man like that again

he is very, very selfish and doesn't even look after himself yet thinks he is a porn star

bakeroony · 09/02/2014 18:37

There's no historical context at all in this post. Without describing if he's always been like this or why he might have changed, it's all a bit unbelievable.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 09/02/2014 18:37

This sounds truly vile. And a sure fire way to kill off any remaining glimmers of your libido. Do you think your relationship is worth saving?

Ughhh......sorry, I just can't get my head around men who wank over non-stop porn, take mental notes, then can't work out why their REAL partner isn't up for a shag up the arse, complete with cameras.

gildedcage · 09/02/2014 18:37

Frankly horrendous...and you wonder why you don't want to be near him, who would? ! I agree it does sound too grim to be real!

vichill · 09/02/2014 18:39

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Logg1e · 09/02/2014 18:42

Yep, this situation is nothing to do with libidos.

Logg1e · 09/02/2014 18:43

Remember the rule about Troll Hunting vichill and Bob

Idespair · 09/02/2014 18:51

Utterly grim. I couldn't have sex with this man.

Logg1e · 09/02/2014 18:53

I wouldn't share a house with him.

FlumpieWumpie · 09/02/2014 18:54

I wouldn't go near this man with a very, very long barge pole. He sounds absolutely vile. Sorry.

Logg1e · 09/02/2014 18:54

And whilst we're hoping for the OP to return, may I just ask, why do the porn fans never contribute to one of these threads?

gildedcage · 09/02/2014 18:58

While I can't believe this OP is real these porn threads are totally depressing.

susiedaisy · 09/02/2014 19:00

I must admit I thought this was made up. But if it's not then op this is much much more than just mismatched sex drives. He sounds worse than my exh and he was bad enough. I would actually LTB rebuild your life without him. He sounds like he has an addiction to porn and has no respect for you at all.

Original poster
Nostromo · 09/02/2014 19:01

I wish it was made up.

He's always had a bigger sex drive than me. The experimenting is something that's happened in the last few years since we had kids. There are other issues in this relationship, he had an emotional affair - if not more, I couldn't prove it - with our nanny. He registered with an adult dating site.

I nearly left him for both of these, but he got on his hands and knees, crying and begging for me to give him another chance and that he would never hurt me again. He hasn't except for all these demands.

I hate confrontations, I hate arguing. I have tried for many years to make our marriage work, but he only talkes to me when he wants sex it seems.

I know this reads like a catalogue of disasters, but he's managed to make me feel like I'm the one being unreasonable and that I'm selfish, which is why I've kept all this to myself for so long and it was just an outpouring of everything.

I wish it were made up. I really do.

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 09/02/2014 19:03

What's sad is that you appear to have posted about this two years ago as well. So it's being going on a while now Sad

bakeroony · 09/02/2014 19:04

You mean your only meaningful interactions are all based around his desire to have sex? Shock

I would suggest counselling, I really would.

Coconutty · 09/02/2014 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreDetective · 09/02/2014 19:06

You are not the one being unreasonable at all.

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