DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

30 pints. 30 pints! How is that even possible?

So sorry op. It must be so difficult because you must think everything is so perfect but for this one problem. But I agree with the others. It's such a big problem, it makes him awful to live with, unreliable and unpredictable. All the things that are essential to a happy family life are missing with him.

And creating a scene in the street is just dreadful as well making him aggressive and immature to add to his negative personality traits.

Have a trial separation and see if he has it in him to want to change, and woe you back maybe?

Thinking about it, if I was in your situation I think my dad would be asking him to leave seeing as it's his house. What does your dad think about it?

I think (in a normal relationship with a normal man) that one text to let you know he will be late is sufficient. Constant checking in is demeaning and controlling and unnecessary.

However, he sounds like an complete and utter arsehole and I pity you, truly, if you are about to have your first baby with an oafish loser like this.

Jesus fucking Christ. You poor woman.

Alcoholism is not black and white. Many alcoholics can go a long time without drinking and use that as evidence that they are in control of their drinking. This man is a violent, abusive drunk and the fact that you excuse and minimize his assault on you because you were drinking too is very worrying. I met dh when we were in our early twenties, we did plenty of drinking but we would never have dreamed of getting violent - it is not normal behaviour.

30 pints is a terrifying and obscene amount to drink. The damage that onslaught of alcohol will be doing to his physical and mental health is extreme. If he truly is so desperate to be a father, he needs to commit to being there for his baby - this kind of drinking will destroy him. If you split, how could he get unsupervised access to his child when he is drinking at this level? As others have said, he won't be safe to drive for a couple of days after this kind of binge - do you want him strapping your baby into a car sear and taking the wheel whilst that much alcohol remains in his bloodstream?

You have identified that his behaviour has worsened since Christmas. It will continue to get worse if he continues to drink. He will need help and he will need to choose to seek that help.

I'm so sorry for your situation but this man is a danger to himself, you and your baby. You can protect yourself and your child by getting away or he can protect the three of you by seeking treatment. There isn't another solution.

What happens when the baby crying annoys him when he's drunk?

Seriously - you can manage on your own if necessary so he needs to leave and sort himself out. If he really wanted a baby that much it will shock him into what he will lose.

Otherwise he can have access - supervised so you know he is sober, and if you bf then it won't be alone for long ttime.

If he really wanted a baby for more control - she will put up with this rather than be a single parent then you are better off alone.

Red flags all over the place, sorry.

He poured water over you and hit you (with a pillow is still hitting you) and shouted at you because you were in a group with a man that he said fancied you.

And yet you get on so well, you're such a team...

No, you're not. Talk to you midwife love. This isn't going to get worse.
Your poor baby. You're a mother now - you need to protect that child from what s/he's going to see and hear and experience in future.

Ahoy I'm sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship.

It doesn't matter how drunk you/he may be, hitting your partner and throwing water over them is NEVER ok.

Where is your dad in all this?

I'm still baffled by the 30 pints thing.. drinking 30 pints of ANYTHING in a 24 hour period would be really bad for you, surely? I can't even understand how it's physically possible and, honestly, how he is still alive.

OP, quite besides the outrageous amount that 30 pints is, how much does it cost? You said you don't have much money - sounds like he's pissing it up the wall. Sorry.

This is a red flag. This is who he is.

He has a drink problem. He ignored you sitting in the doorstep...

Unforgivable.

Just read the bit about throwing water and the pillow :(

This is abusive.

It won't magically stop when the baby comes. It'll get worse.

Also it is worth noting that you say this bad behaviour of his...drinking copiously and being nasty, has increased since christmas.
It is a sad truth to say that it is extremely common for abusive men to ramp up their poor conduct and abusive behaviours when their partner is either pregnant or has recently given birth. This is because they consider the woman to be firmly 'locked in' to the relationship, as of course a baby makes it so much more difficult to cut their losses and walk away.
That is when they can drop their facade, and indulge the person they really are, thinking (often rightly) that their partner will have to put up with it.

Both babies and marriage are typical facilitators for abuse.

Sorry - I didn't mean that women are obliged to put up with abuse. By 'rightly' I meant that women often do...not that they should.

This man is in no way a 'DH'. And he is not capable of being a loving, reliable father.

He is a nasty, abusive drunk who will never change.

What are you waiting for? Him to beat you and/or your child?

What does your father think of this man living in his home and treating his daughter and grandchild so badly?

I was wondering if you yourself grew up with an alcoholic parent.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

This will not get better for you whatsoever and you cannot deal with this. An alcoholic is never decent father material and I feel for your as yet unborn child. He has not been a decent man to you for goodness sake!. You have been in denial re his drink problem and it has cost you already dear. It will also cost your child dearly as well. Honestly you'd be better off raising this child as a single parent.

I would also read up on co-dependency as that is often present within such dysfunctional relationships. You and his wider family members have enabled him to date; all that enabling has done for you is give you a false sense of control. Enabling helps no-one, least of all the drunk.

Who is more important to you ultimately; this drunkard or your child. You really do not want your child growing up in such a house because this child could well end up with a whole host of emotional problems from living within such a chaotic home.

He won't change - more likely, as a poster upthread has said, he'll get worse after the baby is born and he realizes just how much a young child curtails your "freedom".

Plus you'll be lucky if he doesn't die of cirrhosis/stomach or throat cancer due to his extreme alcohol intake.

And he's violent and abusive when drunk.

He won't change. This is who he is.

Also, re-reading your posts, you stated he never hit me,ever and in the next paragraph of that post you described him hitting you. He used a pillow - that's still hitting you. He shouts in your face, calls you names and PUSHES you when drunk - all of that is violence towards you. All of it. You think you can prevent this violence by not escalating it, not drinking yourself and sleeping in the spare room to avoid it happening but this won't work forever abd even if it did - why should you have to modify your behaviour in order to escape violence from your partner? Violence shouldn't be on the agenda in the first place.

The pressure and stress a baby will bring to your relationship will escalate this further, whatever you do to try to minimise it. Domestic violence often starts or worsens during pregnancy and once the baby is born. You have already excused and normalised so much - it is very frightening that you describe your relationship as problem-free except for his drinking when you are already experiencing domestic violence and in a prime position for it to get considerably worse. I really feel worried for you, OP.

And he must be a pretty big bloke to be capable of 30 pints so when he pushes you, as you have described, he could use a considerable amount of force especially when so drunk - think of the damage this could do if it happens whilst you are heavily pregnant or holding the baby.

You need to understand that this man is an alcoholic. He has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and is verbally and physically abusive when drunk.
Don't take too long to realise his.

Not one person on here is going to suggest that you stay either with an alcoholic or someone who has been violent to you so what advice would you like from us?
You are going to have to split, you can't possibly have him around a child so all you need to be concerned about right now is whether he can manage to be sober for all his contact with your child because the first time he rocks up drunk would be the last time he saw his child to me.

OP I am worried for you.

Read the first sentence of tribot's post again - it should ring alarm bells in your head

"You've fallen into the trap of thinking there is one type of alcoholic. This is not true. Some alcoholics can go weeks or months between drinks. If you prefer the term 'problem drinker' use that - because god knows this drinking is causing a problem."

This is my SIL's life.

She stayed with her alcoholic husband. He had fits, he has had bleeding from every orifice. His liver has only 20% function and his brain has been damaged from the liver's inability to deal with the toxins in his body. He lives on a cocktail of drugs and behaves like someone with severe dementia. SIL is imprisoned because she can't ever him on his own for any length of time. She sticks him in a home for a week's respite every now and again. His children hate him and my DD is frightened of him and all the neighbours laugh at him when they see him shambling down the street.

Is this what you want?

Being in denial won't help. You need to constructively get this man out of your life now

You are massively in denial

10 pints is excessive but you seem to think that 10 pints is ok. 30 pints is obscene.

He is violent in spite of your attempts to exclude hitting you with a pillow, screaming g in your face and pushing you. The fact that he attacks you when your are curled up a d defenceless is hideous.

Are you you going to bring a baby into a home with him at its heart?

God yes...you don't want to end up as his carer do you?
At nigh on 30 pints a sesh, that is a very real possibility. He'll treat you like a smear of shite on his shoe for years, then you'll get the privilege of nursemaiding him and all his alcohol related illnesses and health problems until he dies.
Sounds great doesn't it?

Bunbaker - so sorry about your sil. How perfectly dreadful for her.