DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

[LuluJakey1]

My cousin is married to an alcoholic. Discovered it after they were married and it has steadily got worse over 25 years. Nothing changed it, including the birth of their son. It started as occasional binges and slowly escalated to secret drinking every day. There were promises and pleading and she gave him chance after chance. He was a caring, funny, engaging man and at one point a great dad. They were very happy when they first married.

He is not a violent drunk but the drinking steadily got worse. She threw him out 5 years ago and then the whole story emerged which she had been ashamed to tell anyone.He had lost jobs as the drinking got worse. He would go out and not come home and she got phone calls from hotels to say he was there without any money. He would drink at home, hiding alcohol around the house.

Their DS would find him drunk when he came home from school, lying on the floor in his own mess. It got to the point where he would just step over him and leave him.

She had got rid of beds - because he kept throwing up, peeing and shitting himself in bed, and she had got rid of carpets and sofas- for the same reason.

In the last 5 years he has been in and out of hospital, sometimes for extended periods, has been given flats or rooms in supported living and been made to leave because of his drinking, most recently was given a council flat with carers 3 x daily but has lost it because of his drunkenness. He is currently back in hospital- has liver and kidney problems, pancreatitis and his teeth are falling out.

She still feels responsible for him and still tries to help him, although he is not allowed at their house and their DS has refused to see him for the last 3 years.

His parents were alcoholics. He is 50 and looks years older. She is not divorcing him because she would have to give him half of the house and that would mean selling it or buying him out- which she could not afford to do. She has worked full- time all her life and supported him for years financially.

It is a horrible story but true

[captainproton]

You deserve better, your baby deserves better. You only get one life, don't waste it on an alcoholic. He has no respect for you. He doesn't love you.

Please find the courage to reach out to someone in RL who can be there for you in the coming weeks and support you.

Do not suffer in silence.

[DollyTwat]

It's easier to get him to leave now op
I have been there with a newborn and a h who has manufactured a row so he can disappear off for the weekend drinking

For us even AA was no help as they then empowered him to be selfish. He had to go out to meetings every night.
He was of course selfish with or without the drink and still is

[mammadiggingdeep]

Really sad that you're still clinging to hope. I can understand it but I wonder if once baby is here youll shift the goal posts " I'll just wait til we're out of the newborn stage- every couple finds it a strain"... "I'll just wait til baby is through the night, things will be less of a stress"....etc until baby is 10 and damaged and you've wasted a decade of your life.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If he refuses to leave you need to employ legal means to get him out. I would also start divorce proceedings when you feel able to do so.

You also will need time and space to do your own recovery from his alcoholism here and redefine your own role. It may appear easier to stay on the merry go around as it is painful to get off it but you need to get off this now for your own sake as well as your as yet unborn child's.

That child deserves to grow up without the spectre of alcoholism dominating your own life as well as your child's.

[Jollyphonics]

OP I will be massively flamed for this but I would go so far as to say you are prioritising him (and therefore by default alcohol too) over your baby, such is the extent of your delusional thought processing.
If he can stay sober until your baby's born (assuming that's not in the next few days) I will be beyond astounded.

[Charlie01234]

Oh my lovely. Please re read this thread and all the amazing advice you have been given. Re read your posts and the things he has done and GET AWAY from this excuse for a humAn being before the baby arrives. I am genuinely scared for you. He is not going to change.

[LaceyLee]

Hi op I remember your thread from before though I didn't post. What worries me is what exactly you are waiting for to make you leave. Is it some big incident that's so shocking you have to go? Because if so, it could hurt your baby and you shouldn't let that happen. If its just getting past the newborn stage that seems vague and like it could easily be extended. I hope you can find the strength to do the right thing and really feel for you having to go through such a terrible thing.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

My father in law died an alcoholic. He knew he was dying and not even when told another drink will irreparably damage your liver and you will die did it stop him.
Not even when his own life was in the balance did it make a difference.

He had children and not once did any of there births make him stop.

Not once did any of their tiny lives impact him enough to let him see what it was doing to them did he stop.

Not when he endangered their lives through his drunken haze did it make him stop (he nearly killed one of his children thinking he was engaging in a bit of rough and tumble while drunk).

Not once did the cries and pleas to stop of his wives as he beat them make him stop (all of them said he was a wonderful person without the drink and it started out with a few vile words and a bit of a shove).

On his death bed he wanted to go down to the pub for just one more as his now adult children broke their hearts begging fate for a few more minutes with him.

As each mile stone passes that you all know he will fail is more damage heaped on your child for them to carry forward through life. Do not do this to them. Your husband does not deserve a chance to ruin your babies first days. Your child deserves a start in life not blighted by alcohols legacy.

[teaandthorazine]

That for some reason he will hold our baby and he will REALISE that he needs to change.

I hoped that too, OP. It didn't happen. For example, when ds was four days old, XH disappeared on a 24-hour bender that had me phoning round local hospitals at 3am, even though in my heart I knew he was just out getting ratted. I just couldn't allow myself to process that though, I couldn't understand it so I kept on hoping it would get better. It only got better once I left.

Ten years on, ds is the light of my life, and I have good friends, a safe, happy home, and a lovely dp. Ds's father, on the other hand, hasn't changed a bit.

I totally understand that desperation to believe it will all, somehow, get better. It is, I think, almost entirely impossible for the non-addict to understand what motivates the addict - those thought processes and priorities are so alien to us... I just kept thinking that something would snap him out of it and we'd be the happy, normal family I wanted. Not perfect, not The Waltons, but just normal, and loving, and stable. It never happened. It couldn't happen, because I was trying to make it happen with someone who honestly, genuinely preferred going out and getting shitfaced in grotty bars to hanging out with his new wife and baby. It really was a simple as that. It's what he wanted to do, and I could no more persuade him to think differently about that than he would've been able to persuade me to snort a line of coke and drink a bottle of vodka at 36 weeks, iyswim?

I really, really get what you're going through, and I wish you all the strength in the world to leave this sorry excuse for a man.

[Bogeyface]

Ahoy

You know how you are reading back on your earlier messages and thinking "WHY?! Why didnt I listen then?! I wish I could go back in time and take on board what people were saying to me and just leave"

Well, you have that chance now. You have that second go. If you dont take it then in a week, a month a year you will be back here again saying "I know I should have listened when you said..."

Think back to that woman, pregnant, frightened, alone. Knowing that her husband was on the piss and didnt give two shits about her. Would you want her to go through the last 6 months that you have had? Of course you dont. You can stop this, you know you can.


I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.....Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates....It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it?

He hasnt changed has he? And he wont. You can change though, you can change from being the wife that puts up with to the exwife that lets him fuck up his own life without taking you and your innocent child with him.

[meandcoffeeequalhappy]

I really truly hoped my XH would be so in love with his children once they were born that he would stop constantly going out for a few, but no. I now feel that staying ruined my time with my DC as newborns and toddlers, because I would be hoping he was coming home that evening (like he had called me to say he would) and the stress and tears and ensuing arguments that happened because he chose to drink with 'friends' instead is something I will never forgive myself for putting up with. He was no support and help, I was a single mother with an addict living in my house causing stress. Babies are difficult, but not having the support emotionally and physically from your partner is my idea of hell. He never did nights, was too hungover to interact or support me. He was emotionally detached because the DC interfered with his drinking. (And he is a functional alcoholic, not bottle of spirits, so just seen by friends as a laugh/social). My eldest was definitely affected, and that idiocy that I had staying and hoping for change or for him to see the light was the worst single thing I could ever have done for myself. I will never get those years back. His drinking/staying out became worse once the DC were born.

You get one short chance to experience your baby daughter or son's first months, you will never ever get that back. Your H's drinking and behaviour will affect how you feel throughout this. And it will affect your DC, who will pick up on the behaviour and moods of the adults. End of. He will not change. He may get worse, once your attention is on someone else. You will not be able to leave him with your baby, because of the risk of him having drunk. It is an isolating and cruel situation for you to stay in.

[JapaneseMargaret]

How long do you think it'll be before he needs to wet the baby's head? A week? A day? An hour?

He will probably spend far more time out of the house once the baby's here, as the notion of drinking will be a zillion times more appealing than the demands of a newborn, and supporting his partner.

I mean (and hard as this will be to hear), the notion of drinking is more appealing even, than something nice, such as spending time with you on your anniversary, so the crying newborn is hardly going to do it, is it?

[HoneywithLemon]

I don't often post on this board but I feel compelled.

My DH's drinking and other behaviours have caused us a lot of pain and trouble but nowhere near on the scale you are experiencing. I've been with my D20+ years. He doesn't change. I wish I could go back in time and have a word with my younger self. What I mean is, the only way such shitty, appalling behaviour will change is if you walk away NOW. The chance is still very, very slim. In the meantime, build yourself a new life with your baby. The baby and yourself are your priorities now, not this terrible and sad excuse of a man. Good luck. You'll be fine. But not if you stay with him.

[QueenofallIsee]

I read this and could have cried for you Ahoy.

I am a child of an alcoholic father - only too well I remember feeling sick if I saw his van outside the house and knew he was home, the getting up on a Sat and Sun morning and finding his friends kipping all over the house hung over, finding him passed out on the toilet surrounding by sick, hearing the bile that he spewed at my Mother and her humiliation at him doing that in front of people. I adored him for years and years, when not drunk he was wonderful. He never hit us (just my Mother) but abuse is not always physical. He cannot be a wonderful father when he has such a callous disregard for you and your needs. He will wander round with your baby in a sling getting all the accolades he craves for being a 'wonderful Dad' and then his addiction will lead him to forget your baby in the way he forgets about you as soon as the drink takes hold.

He believes that he loves you and the baby and that is why you keep falling for this. He tells you what you want to hear and is sincere as when he says the words HE BELIEVES THEM. He really thinks that he puts you first and worships you but all he is really capable of loving is the booze. Alcoholics are a selfish breed, that is the nature of the addiction.

Please please please protect your baby. My Mother tolerated it from my Dad for 17yrs. The fact that she loved him and believed that he could change took priority over the massive damage that he caused her daughters - damage that we are still living with now. I can't imagine her being a lone parent would have hurt us in the way that our family unit did.

[AhoyMcCoy]

Thank you for all the posts, for sharing your stories and for your kind words.

For those that feel sorry for me (so many of you!) please know that I only post here at my lowest, and my most desperate times. Most of my time is spent happy, laughing, and feeling cherished and loved. I am lucky in so many ways.

Also, without DH, I would still have a fantastic support network. I have sisters/SILs/friends who would climb over each other to be my birth partner if needed, so if DH isn't there for any reason I won't labour alone. Since this pregnancy, I've become closer to my mum also and the more pregnant I've got the more it's become clear she dotes on this grandchild already. It will be so so loved.

I know leaving DH is an inevitability, and when the time comes the RL support will be there in droves. Everyone thinks the world of DH, but would support me if Intold them everything, I have no doubt.

To the poster(s) that said I am already putting DH's drinking before my child, that is the last thing I mean to do. I am still with DH because I want to know that I honestly tried my hardest to give baby a stable mum&dad life. I won't prioritise being a disfunctional two parent house over a calm one parent house, and if DH shows even once that his drinking comes before baby when it is here, he will be out. No second chances. I have made that clear to him and will continue to do so.

Thank you though, all of you. Without this thread I never would have had the confidence in my beliefs that this was wrong, and that life doesn't have to be like this.

[LIZS]

Everyone thinks the world of DH, but would support me if Intold them everything, I have no doubt. Sadly I bet they do have at least an inkling of what is going on . They won't tell you outright but if his behaviour is as you describe it won't have gone unnoticed. Remember you have become conditioned to accept his drunken and hungover states as normal , they can be more objective. All the time you stay there they feel forced to play along.

[Annarose2014]

I am still with DH because I want to know that I honestly tried my hardest to give baby a stable mum&dad life.

Marriage takes two, not just one.

The poor child isn't even born yet and already it doesn't have a stable mum & dad life!

[Bogeyface]

anna is right, you cant do this alone. For your child to have a stable 2 parent family it will need 2 parents, and it doesnt does it? At the moment it has one parent and a man who thinks alcohol is more important than the well being of the baby or its mother.

I'm sorry but I think you are trying to find excuses not to leave.

[oikopolis]

OP by allowing him at the birth you're giving him another clear signal that you are OK with being second to the drink. And that the baby is also second to the drink.

I'm sure you don't see it that way but he is an alcoholic and I guarantee you, he reads this in one way and one way only, and that is, "Don't worry dh I will allow you to drink even while I am heavily pregnant and giving birth, even on our anniversary. yes I have said the opposite but rest assured that in my heart, i am OK with you drinking. So drink."

He is constantly looking for things that he can read as an "OK" from you, and because you can't accept that he puts the drink first, you keep giving him the "OK".

if you care for your child and yourself you will put a stop to this. you are an addict too: you're chasing the high that you believe will come when he finally proves that you are more important than the drink.

and just like an addict, you will realise again and again that every high is followed by a crushing low.

break the cycle op
i wish you and your baby the very best.

[meandcoffeeequalhappy]

I will be really honest, I feel so very sorry for you exactly because you are talking about extreme ups and downs. Feeling ecstatically happy then deeply low. You are so strongly affected by your partner's behaviour and this is not how a relationship should be, it is a rollercoaster and part of the insanity of alcoholism. I had the same, it is why I stayed as long as I did, it made it addictive to me, it made me think we had a chance, it fed the belief that I 'had to try everything' even if that stage had already passed a long time ago, it fed my denial, made me believe falsely that I could ask him to stop and he would. Those bloody ups and downs. I'll bow out now and wish you all the best too.

[JapaneseMargaret]

Good luck, OP - wishing you all the strength in the world to prioritise the right people, and make the right decision.

[LIZS]

You should also decide now where to draw the line.

What if he is on a bender when you go into labour, if he picks up a message in time will you want him at the hospital, drunk/sobering up , smelling of booze etc.
Likewise if he "wets the baby's head" with his mates/family afterwards, do you want him visiting or even worse arriving to drive you both home while still under the influence.
You arrive home with your precious lo and the place is a tip from the remnants of his night out, he doesn't see the mess let alone deal with it.

Please protect yourself and the baby from this.

[BrucieTheShark]

Ahoy - I totally understand what you are trying to do.

But I think your logic is skewed (unsurprisingly given the strain you're under).

You see splitting up as an inevitability, but won't split up with him yet as you want to be able to look back and say you tried everything.

But in reality, your best and only chance (and that is fairly slim) is to act NOW so that he understands your boundaries and that you mean it when you say what they are.

So that your relationship has not deteriorated beyond repair because he continues to put alcohol above you and, later, your child. And you feel so betrayed that there is no going back.

So that he experiences rock bottom while there is still time to make a change. He sees how you are loved and supported by your DM, Dsis, Dsil etc and can survive without him.

So that the truth is out there and he cannot hide behind lies, behave like the model father, blame you and PND or whatever. He cannot try to blackmail you with the fact that your child will be upset and will miss him.

But you have to mean it and be prepared to see it through.

Posters who really understand about addiction will say that even this approach is naive and that he won't change. But I think you would be able to say with more truth that you really did try everything.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

You are stronger than you think, OP. Try to look forward, not back. You didn't make a decision four months ago because you weren't ready to - that's ok. Lots of us have been there. You're an intelligent woman, you wouldn't have chosen to be with a man unless he had lovely qualities. But alcoholism and his type of behaviour is something you cannot fix. He has shown himself reluctant if not completely unwilling to fix it. Think of your life in five years time. What would you like it to look like? Can you picture it happening with him, really?