DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

[Vakant]

I can only echo what everyone else has already said. This man is an abusive drunk, just because he's nice when he's sober doesn't change that fact. It will only get worse, if I was you I would get out now before he seriously hurts you or your baby.

[AhoyMcCoy]

I'm up- sitting in SIL's bathroom reading the messages. Crying obviously. Didn't even read them all, but I get it. I really do.

But I wish so hard you could see how lovely he can be. How much my (very lovely very normal non-drinking) family adore him. How when he is sober, he worships the ground I walk on.

And it's so so hard not to minimise it, when everyone around me does. BIL and SIL have already said how sorry he sounds on this phone, how it sounds like he's been crying, how he just wants me home. They think I'm overreacting, I know it.

I know 30 pints seems MENTAL. I know. But 2-3 pints an over over a 10-12 hour drinking session never seemed so bad to me. As a teen, I could drink two bottles of wine before I even left the house to go out (half a bottle would have me on the floor now!), and I just sort of thought everyone drinks to excess sometimes, but grows out of it.

SIL said he's driving over now. I text him to say not to drive, I know he will ignore me. Like someone said up thread, his body is used to this. He won't be that hungover.

The saddest bit was actually that BIL said to me "honestly, he wasn't even that drunk". And I thought "so he was sober that night, when he walked past me shivering sitting on the doorstep like I was scum on his shoe?" And it hurt so much.

We've not even been marrie a year and I meant my vows so so much, and I know he did too. If he saw me upset, it would tear him apart. But not enough for him to change, I know that.

[JohnnyUtah]

He may not feel ill, but there is no way he is legal to drive

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

But I wish so hard you could see how lovely he can be. How much my (very lovely very normal non-drinking) family adore him. How when he is sober, he worships the ground I walk on.

That's all irrelevant. Totally.

Lots of unpleasant and dangerous people are "lovely" in person.

And as for worshipping the ground you walk on?

Do you really think that's a good thing?

In a properly healthy relationship there's no worshipping of the ground, just two people who treat each other well.

The fact that your family and his excuse his appalling drinking and treatment of you is no surprise. Families are always sticking up for abusive men and telling women to put up with it.

This is the BEST time for you to get out.

This man is abusive and violent and has a massive problem with alcohol.

The way he beat you with that pillow and threw water is really chilling and a warning of what he is capable of.

I think you and your baby are at real risk of your lives if you continue this marriage.

[LEMmingaround]

at about £3-4 a pint thats about £100 a night on alcohol - is he a millionaire?

You need to get away from this man - he is already violent, a baby is a well known trigger to escalate DV.

[rainbowsmiles]

I'm trying to imagine how you fit 30 pints in to a night out. Say your out early about 7 and home at 3am. 8 hours for 30 pints. Including toilet breaks (bound to be a few) he will be drinking at a rate of 1 pint every 15 minutes. Thats not "sociable" drinking. You've barely an opportunity for chat and even the big drinkers I know, after 10 pints, are pissed. So with this guy, by 9 (accounting for being a bit faster at start of night) he is wrecked but keeps his drinking momentum going til hometime. Not a lot of socialising there. And I bet he's just charming company for everyone else in the pub to put up with.

And lets examine the cost. An average cost of a pint is £3 so he is spending £90 a night out and £270 in last month just on beer.

The bare facts do seem to point to quite a considerable problem with drink.

I think if I was living at my dad's I'd ask him to move out. Alcoholism is a well travelled road. There is plenty advice available to you. Don't bury your head in the sand.

[Pagwatch]

And you know, crying and being sad and wanting you back is soooo easy. It really is.
If he was really sad, if you really mattered, he would not chose alcohol over you.
Because he is choosing alcohol over you every single time.

And he will choose alcohol over your child. Because no one, including your family, are telling him to stop.

[lanbro]

I really feel for you, and your pregnancy hormones won't help you to think any clearer. My dh and I went through a tough time after our second was born, lots of going out and drinking involved resulting in screaming arguments and me being given the blame. Dh would say he'd had enough and threatened to leave. One night I called his bluff and he did leave. It was a turning point and we are back on track but only once he realised what he was going to lose, and accepted and understood what he was doing.

Things can change but you don't have any control over it, only your dh can make the change and tbh it sounds like he's very far from admitting there's a problem. Surely your father sees what happens, what are his thoughts?

[pictish]

He has seen you upset, and he didn't care a jot. Didn't alter a thing did it? He thinks your upset was just fine.

Judge someone not by what they say OP, but by what they do.

Talk is cheap.

[BitOutOfPractice]

You should report him to the police for driving over the limit. Might give him a wake up call.

[mammadiggingdeep]

You're in a far better situation than you could be.

You're at your dads. You can ask for a trial separation at no real consequence...the only effect it will have is to shock him into realising you will not accept this. If you had a joint mortgage and was a stay at home mum you'd be much more 'trapped'.

What I'm tryi g to say I'd do something now, before baby cones and before life gets much more complicated.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Come on love, you know this is doomed.
He's driving over, regardless of your stated wishes and will still be unfit to drive? All boo hoo poor me?
Adding on his alcoholism and his violent, selfish behaviours?
This man has no wish to change, just for you to STFU.
Do not have your child around this man. You WILL regret it.

[LEMmingaround]

"We've not even been marrie a year and I meant my vows so so much, and I know he did too." NO he did not - in his vows he would have promised to love and respect and care for you. He isn't doing ANY of those things now - what makes you think it will be any easier when the baby comes along. I feel so sorry for that child if you stay with him

[rainbowsmiles]

And he is DRIVING. WTF. That in itself would have me packing his bags. What a shit.

[RhondaJean]

Please phone the police and tell them he is driving before he kills someone.

[LEMmingaround]

He is driving?? oh i do hope he gets pulled over - if there is any bloody justice in the world he will be.

[mammadiggingdeep]

He shouldn't be driving. Even if he doesn't feel hungover he will still be pissed...

[Only1scoop]

Justifying his '2-3 pints over a 10-12 hour period' doesn't seem so bad....

Terrifying
Really these are Binges not just a night out with the lads. His Sil and Bil must have little respect turning up with him in the night....

I lived with someone who used to do this I really won't say how it ended....but it started just like this

Hope he does 'drive home' safely this morning....amazed his wonderful family let him to be honest. I hope he doesn't harm anyone on his drive home.

But do you think he will never do this once baby arrives? I wouldn't wait round to see

[ScrambledSmegs]

Please report him to the police for drunk driving, he could kill someone.

[ziggiestardust]

I think you know everyone is right OP. The drunk driving, the abusive behaviour, the alcoholism...

It's whether you want to be involved in this all your life. It will carry on. He'll snivel and whine and moan about how it isn't his fault, how he's damaged and only YOU can help fix him, and you're his princess and oh, it's good most of the time isn't it? Are you going to believe it? Are you going to let your child witness this?

[RhondaJean]

Sorry wanted to post that fast but I'm going to be brutal now.

This man is a dick. He has no respect for you or anyone else. He is willing to put everyone at risk for what HE wants - driving this morning shows that.

This is not normal and he will continue to put everyone at risk including you and the baby once here. He's in a classic alcoholic/ abuser cycle of arseholes/ lovely. The next time he hits you it won't be with a pillow.

You are being utterly irresponsible if you continue living with him. Get out or get him out, get him to have professional help if you want to continue the relationship but he must do it and you can only think about that after he is sorted.

Unfortunately you are surrounded by enablers.

You need to be the one to think for you and this child. Chances are he won't change. If you don't take string action he definitely won't.

I get you about the phone thing now btw sorry about that.

[LEMmingaround]

is your dad unwell/infirm? WTF is wrong with him - he needs to send this little wanker on his way - he needs to step up and protect his daughter. You re being seriously let down by the men in your life.

[summermovedon]

My xh was a heavy drinker, 'beer boy' apparently. Good job, functional, just very sociable, charming etc. I can tell you right now having a baby does not change anything with an alcoholic and it is so damaging for the children. I thought he would change, he promised me the world. But the problem is with an alcoholic (and alcoholics all vary in the amount/type of drink/ frequency - what is persistent is the behaviour and reasons for drinking) is that when they promise you the world, they are lying. Not to be horrid, but it is all part of their illness and alcohol is number one priority. It might be disguised by 'but I was stressed, needed to unwind, seeing my friends, need freedom...' but basically that pint of beer is number 1. Over and above you and over and above your baby.

When I was pregnant, I would get phone calls from his friends telling me he was paralytic and on his way home, he would leave them, get on a tube, change direction and head for a party - somewhere. I drove around the streets looking and worrying because I didn't know what had happened to him. Once the baby arrived, I got angrier with his behaviour and the arguments got worse. I brought up young children on my own, because I could not rely on him to be home or sober. He could be on the phone, promises galore (on his way home, make dinner together, read to the children) and still disappear into a drinking establishment within a minute of hanging up. He could be literally 3 minutes from home at that point.

He was highly functional, one type of drink, only after work, not every day. If pushed could go for months without it. My children were used to hearing arguments from newborn, as my way of dealing with it initially was so fight him and confront his (awful) behaviour. I then realised that didn't work, so internalised all my feelings and tried to manipulate him. All that happened was - he didn't change. Actually, he did. He got a diagnosis of depression, and that just escalated his drinking and entitlement of space. He would let me know if I confronted him, he would kill himself and told me how. He has all the treatment money could buy, and never admitted his drinking problem, so nothing changed. Other than his new diagnosis meant he now did absolutely nothing with the children, has a lie in every day, and gave himself lots of treats. On top of the drinking.

Either way, it took a breakdown (me) and lots of therapy to realised that I would probably end up dead from stress if I stayed with him. I put down boundaries for the first time in my life, he broke them and he left. The children never once cried or asked where he was, he had been so absent in their lives. Living in that environment, his behaviour and the arguments has definitely damaged them. Even though I tried to shield them. But they are getting better every month. We (the children and I) are happy. We had not a bean when we left, he had debt (lots of debt) from drinking and credit card bills. I am now working, and a single mother, and happier than I have ever been. When it comes to living with a charming man like that, it takes every small bit of your soul and destroys it. There is no room in a relationship like this for two people. My advise to myself a few years ago, run run run like the wind and get out of that relationship, beg borrow and steal money for therapy, and realise that at the stage you a pregnant with your first child is the EASIEST time to leave and rebuild your life. It gets harder after that. He won't change. Not for you and not for your children.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

Do all these family members know he is violent and aggressive to you when drunk? Would they love him so much if they did?

[BridgetJonesPants25]

I'm not saying your husband is an alcoholic but my ExH was/is.

He did things like this but I didn't call or text him to be honest. His behaviour got worse through my pregnancy and he did it when I was 40+5 weeks.

Sit him down, tell him it's not on and if it continues he risks losing you both.

I hope he pays heed to what you say unlike my ex.

I left with DD when she was 6 weeks. Never looked back either.