DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

[pictish]

Aww he sounded like he'd been crying. He must be really really really sorry then. Just like the last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. And all the times before that as well.
So much sorry.
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.See, if you say it over and over again, it starts to lose its meaning.
Funny that.

I'm sure he's quite brilliant at making everyone believe he is sorry, and feel sorry for him.
Yes...no dount he is quite adept at that.

Not quite so good at following it through though. Fancy.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

And will he be driving you and your unborn baby back home this morning? And everyone is totally happy with him taking that risk?

[YokoUhOh]

Invite the police to your BIL's to meet him out of the car with a breathalyser. Do it.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Oh my dad was sorry, sorry, sorry too.
Sorry he spent all our money on booze.
Sorry he beat up mum.
Sorry he caused her to lose her child by beating her while she was PG.
Sorry for creating a hideous atmosphere at home when he was forced to stay in.
Sorry for shagging various OW.
Sorry for me having to hear them fight, alone in my room, curled up with the pillow over my head trying to blot it out.
Sorry sorry sorry

He was Mr you are my world Charming too. His pub mates just loved him.

I'm sorry that she stayed for far too long. Maybe if she had gone a lot earlier I wouldn't have PTSD and severe anxiety around men who are drunk.

I am very sorry indeed and much as I adore you mum, I hate that you stayed with him.

[Logg1e]

Ok, if I'm honest, I'm not sure I would LTB over this and end the marriage. I can really see how that would be difficult when there are so many nice and happy times.

So, I would give him another chance. Ask him to move out for a set time period, at least 4 weeks. During the time I'd want him to give up alcohol and ask his GP for help and start being sorry rather than just saying it. I'd want the drinking money going in to a savings account for the baby. The relationship could continue as normal, but by 11pm he's out of the house for safety's sake.

[MadIsTheNewNormal]

It doesn't matter whether 10-12 pints is ok over a '12 hour drinking session.' That is beside the point. It's the 12 hour drinking session in itself which is so seedy and sad and pathetic.

Do you really want a lifetime with a man who thinks it's perfectly normal and acceptable to have regular 12 hour drinking sessions? Even the phrase makes me feel dirty, and I say that as someone who drinks with friends on a weekly basis.

It sounds to me as though everyone around you has a rather dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. They sound like the sort of people whose whole lives revolve around going to the pub and staying there for as long as possible at every opportunity. Uuuurgh.

[TheLightPassenger]

please talk to your MW about this. Even if you aren't at the point of leaving yet, you can get support from al-anon and/or go on the Freedom course or get counselling.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

Logg1e have you read her posts where she describes his violence towards her when drunk?

[ohfourfoxache]

But it sounds like he can already "give up" alcohol for weeks at a time. But then he goes out "with the lads" and the whole bloody thing kicks off again

[ohfourfoxache]

That was to Logg1e btw

[pictish]

She's not going to do that Yoko!
Be realistic.
Right now she loves him, is having his baby, and wants more than anything to believe that he IS sorry, and that things will change.

We all know that he isn't, and they won't...but that is a conclusion OP will have to come to in her own good time. She is not about to incur the wrath of everyone she knows and cares about by calling the police on him!

[Logg1e]

Yes Jelly, I was the first one to pick up on the hitting and water actually. And by God, everyone's right. But I read what the OP had said about her marriage vows, and remembering how I felt at 8 months pregnant and was saying what I honestly would do. Because right now I can't see the OP divorcing him tomorrow.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

The normalising going on by your family is very frightening

Seriously - I think if I had told my parents that DH had hit me (pillow or not) they would have immediately cme and removed me from the house and they are not interfering types. However, he has totally crossed the rubicon here

I am not a LTB type but please listen to the advice you've got on this thread

I sincerely hope that he gets pulled over if he is driving - he'll still be totally wankered

My DH likes an occasional big night out. He's a 6 foot 6 rugby player and he was at your DH being able to drink 30 pints. He said after 10, he would be absolutely smashed and he doesn't know anyone who could come remotely close to drinking that. Your husband has a very serious drinking problem

[AhoyMcCoy]

Yes, money wise, a drinking session is easily £100. Easily. He gets paid cash in hand every Friday, and used to go straight to the pub from work. I used to worry so much how much money we'd be left with for the week. But he did grow up a bit, we saved for our wedding, the sessions stopped being weekly, and things changed.

BIL and SIL (who he was out with last night- SIL who is his DSis is my best friend, and met them after I left) used to have screaming drunk rows. I remember thinking what a nasty man BIL was once, at the awful things he said to her. But now they have these three amazing kids and BIL never seems like a nasty drunk anymore. And if there is a chance DH can change too, I'd stay in a heart beat.

He won't leave my dads. I know him. He'll stay because by staying he can keep proving how sorry he is, and I eventually give in. Iv told him before his word mean nothing and it's his actions that count, but then that sort of means Im ok with him until it happens again, and it shows his actions mean Fuck all too. And so it goes on.

Dad likes him a lot, I think. Although I guess he's never really seen him drunk and awful. Dad works nights and is mostly usually out when DH gets back in from a drinking session. I'd have to involve dad if I wanted DH to leave, and that's so difficult- Dad would have to tell him to leave (and I'm not sure he would/could do that), and it would make things so so awkward if me & DH stayed together.

[BridgetJonesPants25]

Ok I retract my previous statement. Just RTFT. Your husband is an alcoholic and you have to address it now. Trust me when I say with the added pressure if a baby is drinking will most likely increase.

It's scary how much of this thread I could have written 3 years ago.

If you won't listen to others maybe you will listen to someone who has been you.

The apologies mean zilch if as he already has continues to do it. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. Do you want you and baby to be the bottom of his list of importance. My ExH priorities quickly changed. He stole from me while I was in hospital the night after I had DD to go out drinking. He woke me and DD up staggering n the house at all hours. Like I said I lasted 6 weeks after DD was born before leaving.

Your baby is your no 1 priority now. Tell your husband to get help or get out. The shock of you saying it might be enough to get help. If it doesn't or he doesn't think he needs it then I'm sorry to say the scale of priorities he has has already tipped in favour of drink and his drinking buddies.

[ohfourfoxache]

I don't think anyone is suggesting divorcing him tomorrow, but by god does she need to get some distance between them ATM. He is abusive. And putting some distance between them is the first step to keeping her and her baby safe

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

Btw, OP, my dh is a lovely man who loves me and is loved by my family. In addition to this, he doesn't spend hundreds of pounds in the pub, he doesn't go on 12 hour binges, he doesn't risk his health binge drinking, he doesn't risk lives drink driving and I've never had to sleep in the spare room to avoid him becoming violent towards me. If any of those things were happening, it would cancel out his loveliness and devotion the rest of the time. It's possible to have a man who is lovely and devoted ALL the time. Don't settle for less for you and your baby .

[KatieScarlett2833]

He will leave your Dads if he and the Police tell him to.
You can start by telling your Dad exactly what he has been doing, including the violence.
And as for hanging around hoping that he turns out like your BIL?
Are you really going to gamble you and your child's future on that?

[Logg1e]

OP, He won't leave my dads. I know him. He'll stay because by staying he can keep proving how sorry he is, and I eventually give in.

Well no, you get to decide how he proves how sorry he is. He'll stay because it's cheap and convenient.

Your dad doesn't have to get involved, if you want to protect him. You tell him to leave and you get the police if he refuses. Tell them in advance.

[Logg1e]

foxache, but by god does she need to get some distance between them ATM

Well, yes, hence my post.

[ohfourfoxache]

Ok, so he won't leave your dad's because he insists that he can make it up to you

Er, he doesn't have a choice in the matter. If you decide you need space (which I would strongly recommend you insist on) the he needs to leave. End of.

[wannabestressfree]

Your making excuses....
My xh set fire to the house when drunk as he was cooking and feel asleep
He was too drunk to take me to my injections as our baby had to be induced early
He fell on me two days post section on his fourth wetting of the baby's head
He grabbed me by the throat when my son was three weeks old.
I am so so happy I don't live with him anymore. The youngest two visit and think he is a joke.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Christ on a bike - how much more warning do you need?

You can lock him out - change the fucking locks. And do it today. You are at your dads, he can change the locks, surely.

If you accept his apology you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of this.

30 pints is nearly 4 gallons. 4 gallons!!! Get a grip and end this before he ramps it up to actually beating you into a pulp.

These - people - do - not - change - no - matter - how - many - times - they - say - sorry.

[MadIsTheNewNormal]

He won't leave my dads. I know him. He'll stay because by staying he can keep proving how sorry he is, and I eventually give in.

No, he'll just stay until he thinks he's broken you down and you give in. if he was truly sorry then he wouldn't keep doing it. It really is that simple.