DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Poor baby.

Actually it was the i would give him another chance bit that concerned me - it's too soon for LTB, but it is also too soon to suggest giving him another chance

Do all these family members know he is violent and aggressive to you when drunk? Would they love him so much if they did?

Yeah, do they know that when he's drunk he hits you repeatedly with a pillow and knocks you on the floor FFS? Do they think he's such a 'nice guy' that he wouldn't do that now that you're pregnant with his child?

How about that he's happy to leave you freezing on the doorstep while he's out drinking half his body weight in alcohol and then, rather than call it a night and see you safely into the house, he just jumps right back into his cab so as not to interfere with his night of bingeing?

I know this is the man you've invested all your hopes and dreams for the future in, but I hope these replies are a wake up call. He's a drunk. He may be capable of being nice when he's sober, but even psychopaths can charming and nice - in fact they're known for it. I'm not saying he's a psychopath, just that he can be a 'nice guy' to all your friends and still be an arsehole when that front door closes and it's just you and him. Only YOU know the real him. Your family clearly does not.

It is rare for an alcoholic to change.

And this: if he was truly sorry then he wouldn't keep doing it. It really is that simple

30 pints! I couldn't even drink that much water in a sitting.

His words mean nothing.
But then neither do yours
There is no consequence for him.
You insist on change but don't mean it
He promises to change but doesn't mean it

So nothing will change unless you say 'it stops or its over ' and actually mean it.

I am pretty pessimistic . I think you would rather hope than rock the boat. But if you do, or when it gets worse which it will, I hope you take some of the advice on here.

It's the living in dread I couldn't cope with, even if he managed to keep his behaviours under control for the rest of your pregnancy, the sick feeling you'll have when he announces he's going out to 'wet the babies head' just as you're home from hospital, when you need him most will no doubt dispel any 'but he's changed' thoughts. Why would he change when there is no consequence for his behaviour?

Resurrect this thread in 5 yrs time. Will you be describing a different life to us then or,will you be reporting that this lifestyle is ongoing?

Am I right with the following timeline, OP?

You got married less than a year ago - a clear statement of being more 'locked in' to the relationship.

Shortly after the marriage, he assaulted you whilst drunk by hitting you with a pillow, throwing water at you and pushing you to the ground. This is 'the worst it's ever got' according to you.

About three months after that incident you became pregnant with a baby he 'longed for'.

Approximately three months into the pregnancy (ie when it's definitely going ahead) his drinking escalates and becomes more frequent. Correspondingly, his treatment of you worsens.

The wedding and the pregnancy were events when he cou and have made the choice to grow up, take control and commit to his new family. Instead, he saw that you were becoming increasingly entrenched in the relationship and it would be harder for you to leave. So he felt free to start behaving exactly as he wanted to.

Doesn't sound exactly like a man who worships the ground you walk on.

How about thinking about your baby?

Even before birth, babies in the womb experience the adverse effects of poor diet, drugs and alcohol use, or violence perpetrated on their mother. Maternal stress experienced during pregnancy can cause physiological stress responses in the foetus, which affect the amount of oxygen and nutrition received by the unborn child (Rice, Jones, & Thapar, 2007). Other peri-natal complications may include withdrawal symptoms and premature births (Kroll & Taylor, 2003; Tunnard, 2002).

Agreed jelly, agreed.

So if you ask him to leave that won't be enough? He will just ignore you? Leaving last night shows to me that you know why this needs to be done. If you don't follow through today, the next time you leave he won't even bother phoning in the morning.

Use this opportunity to address it all head on. No, its not easy, nothing worth doing is. But at least you stand a chance of fixing things if you make a stand.

I'm always nervous of men who 'worship the ground' a woman walks on.

Get out now OP.
Living with an alcoholic is dangerous and soul destroying. Not just for you but for your DC.
He will not change. He will only get worse.
If you stay with him you will be back on here again and again as things escalate.
He won't take responsibility for himself, his drinking, his health.
How on earth is he going to be a responsible partner and parent to your child?
You said it yourself in the last line of your OP.

He is driving drunk. He is SCUM. You are putting the life of your unborn baby at risk if you get in the car with him but I bet you will.

I don't think of him as an alcoholic, although I know many would disagree. He can go ages without drinking a drop. If he is with me or my family, he can drink a regular amount and be wonderful. It's just when he's out with 'the lads' it's like he has no self control whatsoever.

This is exactly why you need to go to a few Al Anon meetings. OP: You have no idea what an alcoholic is. Go to Al Anon, and listen to some of the men and women telling their stories and how their married life started out. And please God, if there's a small voice in your head telling you that you identify with their stories, listen to it. And imagine yourself in five years' time living the lives they describe.

You're closer to it than you think.

I'm so sorry, OP. This must be so far from what you dreamed of.

This is possibly the saddest thread I have read on here for a long time

I am going to be really harsh.
Cop yourself on girl.
There's a child's life at stake.
Tell your dad how awful he has been.
Tell him to leave and get help for his alcoholism.
Is he really drinking 30 pints in a session?
If you love your baby report his drink driving to the police. It might be a wake up call.
Does he love you? I don't think so. He loves drink more anyway.

Out of interest OP what is your limit. Where do you in your head think you would draw the line?

You have to stop making excuses for the man. He is a man not a teenager, he makes his own choices.

You have plenty of women on this thread who have been through it including myself and I do not see one single post saying:-

Yeah my husband did this but do you know what, once the baby came he grew up, stepped up and became a good husband/father.

Generally people like this don't change. Their behaviour escalates alongside the drinking. I stand by what I said, tell your husband you want him to seek help for his drinking. If he refuses or if he says he doesn't need it then you already have your answer. He is in denial and his drinking is higher up on his priorities than you and how you feel, and in turn your unborn child. That in itself speaks volumes.

Don't you dare get in the car with him!! He is WAY over the limit. Even if you are stupid enough to risk your own life, you have someone else to consider now

OK, my apologies - I refreshed the thread (doh!) and realised that the penny has dropped for you.
If I may, Al Anon is still helpful. It's a whole fellowship of men and women who have to try to negotiate life around the presence of active and recovering alcoholics, including those who have left alcoholic partners but who still have to deal with them (e.g. because of shared children).

And he won't leave YOUR father's house if you ask him to - only if your dad does? He will drive drunk when you ask him not to and expect you to get in the car with him? Your feelings, wishes and wants count for absolutely nothing in this relationship. He has no respect for you at all. His refusal to leave makes that abundantly clear - the only thing that matters to him is what he wants.