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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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The Dating Thread 69

999 replies

FolkGirl · 07/02/2014 12:36

Just because I wanted to be the person to start it really Smile

Welcome one and all.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 17/02/2014 09:33

Morning thread!

ofg the other thing I'd add about not feeling confident about your size, is to not keep mentioning it/referring to it in a negative way. I dated one guy who did this, and it was really really off putting. I actually quite fancied him and thought he was a lovely man, but there were some personality traits that I just thought we would clash with long term. When I said I wasn't interested, he bought it back to him being big again, which really wasn't the issue, but I thought it was quite sad (and a bit insulting) that he assumed that his size was all I could see.

Lizzie all sounding very full. It's funny isn't it - I think if you felt as strongly about him as he seems to about you you'd probably think it was all lovely, but clearly you don't so it sounds a bit creepy! Honesty is the way to go - he's scaring you off. Which one was this - the one your friend set up or the other one?

santa have you told Bricky that you don't like being called things like 'sexy'? Some people do like that kind of thing and he's not psychic. If he persisted once you'd told him you don't like it that's different but it might just feel natural to him.

Well I had a really lovely Valentines with Niceguy. Posh romantic meal out and he stayed at mine again. No flowers or card though - I would have liked flowers and a card. I guess I have made quite a lot of sarcastic noise about not being too mushy so that was my own fault! He now knows that I do like cards. I had a friend staying over for the weekend so he cleared off Sat morning and then came around again last night, met my friend briefly before she had to leave (she gave stamp of approval) and then quiet night in with a movie.
I am struggling with moments of feeling quite vulnerable and anxious about it all - expecting him at any moment to turn round and say he's changed his mind or end things out of the blue. Despite him being consistently lovely, making efforts to see me at pretty much every opportunity, and giving me a lot of dappy smiles when we're spending time together. He's given me no sign at all that there's any problems, it's all going scarily well to be honest, so I wish I could just relax and stop with the paranoia! I've got it under control at the moment and not seeking reassurance from him, keeping my worries to myself, (and ranting to my friend!) but it's hard!! He's coming with me to something on Thursday that I have to do, that I'm very anxious about, he's coming to hold my hand and support me and then we'll go out afterwards, and I'm so appreciative that he's doing that and has even booked the time off work to be there for me. So maybe I'm mostly anxious about Thursday (something I can't do anything about) and displacing the anxiety onto him instead....hmm. Anyway. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that this lovely man may actually like me.

LizzieBelle · 17/02/2014 09:43

Hi one-day this is the one setup by a friend. Mr Cute is far more fanciable but no contact since Friday!!!!

LizzieBelle · 17/02/2014 09:45

Mr Sweet tested last night to say Sleep Well and got one this morning asking if I slept well. Frankly its getting tedious

Blossomflowers · 17/02/2014 10:16

Well mrscottishaccent was adorable. We spent 3 hours chatting easily and there was def spark, omg almost too good to be true. Even have good snog goodbye. He also texted me me few sexy messages nothing too naughty but enough for me to know he thinks I am hot too. Hopefully meeting up in a couple of days for meal. so glad I took the chance as was so nervous before

oldfashionedgirl · 17/02/2014 10:24

I don't tend to mention my size out and about in real life - I am still (STILL!!) pretty much sticking to my new year's resolution to lose weight so my 16s are baggy. Just a work in progress!

Am hoping that the fact that I live with my parents isn't going to be an issue - not like I can bring anyone home.

Been messaging back and forth with a few and is it normal for some to get quite soppy without even having spoken to / met you? Wasn't really expecting that.

Blossom Worth all the nerves then? Grin Sounds like a fab date.

Lizzie Is he just too sweet?

Blossomflowers · 17/02/2014 10:27

Thanks OFG your support last night was helpful kept me calmish Grin

oldfashionedgirl · 17/02/2014 10:41

Glad to help! Smile Wish I could calm myself down sometimes!

TheCrow · 17/02/2014 11:37

Do any of you ladies ever make the first move in asking a guy to meet you? I've been messaging POF guy for a while, he clicked yes to me on Meet Me (I never use that feature but went on it last night and clicked yes on him as a bit of a hint!) but there's been no mention of meeting up. Am I just being too impatient?

Blossom your date sounds lovely :) despite the accent ;)

Blossomflowers · 17/02/2014 11:51

thecrow I have often made the first move to find out more about someone, am I weird then?. I think I made the first move with mrscottichaccent and see how that turned out. Never thought I would say it but found his accent incredibly sexy, so there you go shows we should keep an open mind.

HanselandGretel · 17/02/2014 11:52

Crow how far into the messaging are you? I get impatient too and due to timewasters will now either stop responding to 'going nowhere' type messages, hows your day, what you been up to ad infinitum. But it's a judgement really on who is potentially worth continuing messaging with, if there is no mention of meeting up when you feel enough messages have gone back and forth then there's nothing wrong with suggesting it.
I have done and it's resulted in dates but also in disappearances!

Am in the process of organising a date with let's call him Mr Normal at the moment, he hasn't hung about at all, about the second message and he asked to meet.
He sounds genuine though and comes across well, articulate and sincere, no great connection but I'm no longer putting too much emphasis on that pre-date as I've had the 'connection' with others online recently and they are the very ones who have timewasted, dragged their heels or downright just disappeared before any meeting...so will see.

TheCrow · 17/02/2014 12:12

I messaged him first, I don't mind doing that but kind of think the guy should ask the girl to meet. We've been messaging for a while, there was a break in the middle where he didn't reply for a few days and I thought he'd done a disappearing act but then he messaged me asking how my week had been. We're onto the 'what you been up to?/How's your day been?' messages, didn't really want to get into the big topics of conversation because if we did meet we'd have nothing to talk about, but think he'll think I'm boring if I keep asking him what he's up to!

HanselandGretel · 17/02/2014 12:49

Really, he should be asking by now if he's interested, you could drop a hint if you'd rather not ask directly (mine are usually hinty!) ask any plans for the weekend or something casual along those lines. Are the messages you're exchanging telling you anything about him?
Some people like a lot of info before they meet up but if it's just 'how was your day' type things that is really pointless and you could wasting your time, take control and if you want to meet, make it know either directly or indirectly....it's so frustrating I know, I've lost patience with the slow coaches, it's nice to have a man take the lead and step up to the plate, I always think so much more of them for it.

LizzieBelle · 17/02/2014 12:58

OFG Yes TOO sweet. I feel that by telling him Im not interested now, would be like kicking a kitten in the face...

TheCrow · 17/02/2014 13:17

Hansel yeah I still feel as though I'm gerting to know him, asking how each other's day's been ends up leading to other topics of conversation so it's not too repetitive. He did mention he was skint when I asked if he had plans for the weekend so maybe that's why? I'd be happy just going for a coffee or a walk or something though so it wouldn't be a problem! I'm off work all this week too so would be a good time, might drop a subtle hint :)

MadeMan · 17/02/2014 13:26

"Do any of you ladies ever make the first move in asking a guy to meet you?"

Crow When I online dated a few years back I had women sometimes ask to meet me before I'd asked them; I don't think it matters who asks first.

Jarlin · 17/02/2014 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrow · 17/02/2014 14:09

Thanks MadeMan and Jarlin it's good to know it's acceptable to make the first move, think I'm a little old fashioned and just think it would be nice if he did! He must have clicked yes on Meet Me a while back as he's quite far down the list but I never normally look at it. It's strange thinking he wants to meet me but just hasn't asked yet! I think I'll give it a day or two then ask if he fancies a pint or something :)

Santaclaws · 17/02/2014 15:34

Can someone please help. Two things really

Bricky told me when we first met that he was on two dating sites one of them being POF. Me being me had to had a little nose at it. Firstly I haven't joined up myself but was able to do a search using right criteria for him and found him. Now I'm upset because it says he's been online today. I haven't bothered going match to chat to anyone as I can't be bothered juggling different dates again

Secondly, will he know I've clicked on his profile on POF if I don't have a profile myself? I don't want to appear stalkerish. Does it tell him his profile has been viewed and if so how can it say who has viewed if I'm not on the site myself? Moment of panic here

Blossomflowers · 17/02/2014 15:50

Not sure santa but I know for sure some of these site say people are on line when not.

jesy · 17/02/2014 15:51

sometimes on pof you show up even if you haven't been on , I have had messeages saying your up late as it 2 am and its not me on it.

my life gets more complicated messaged a bloke 2 months ago who I thought was so cute now he messages me not sure what I am doing as having doubts over the nice guy , plus this new message guy is friends with some one who I blame for breaking me and my first bf up!

Santaclaws · 17/02/2014 15:53

It didn't say he was on line currently and I know he's at work now anyway but it says he's been on today, so if he has then likely it was during his break. I am a bit miffed about it tbh I hate this not knowing if we are still dating others as well. Although for me I prefer one at a time

Still worrying whether he will know I've snooped

jesy · 17/02/2014 15:56

unless you have a profile I don't think it shows up

HanselandGretel · 17/02/2014 16:02

Santa he won't know who it is if you don't have a profile, if you did have a profile you could click settings that hide whether you have viewed someone or not too.

I have heard other people mention people appearing to be online when not and some have said it's from using the app, I don't know though.
He could have been online for any reason if in fact he was, so wouldn't think too badly just yet.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 17/02/2014 16:18

Lizzie I think it sounds like you do just need to tell Mr Sweet that he's coming on too strong. It sounds like you're on his mind a lot!

crow if you're getting inpatient then I'd definitley suggest meeting up - there's only so far you can go with exchanging online messages with a stranger. Either he says yes and things progress, or he says no and you stop wasting your time. Hansel's suggestion of talking about weekend plans is a good one.

Jarlin ooh! yay Grin go Mr SB! And yes, thankyou. It is rather lovely here at the moment. Am trying to relax....!!

santa really though, if you haven't had that conversation, then he's not doing anything wrong by going on there?

Santaclaws · 17/02/2014 16:28

I know, I realise all time rules in dating seen to have changed now. Can't help thinking "old school " though and back in the day you didn't really bother looking around for other people when you met someone you quite liked you kept seeing them until it either worked out or went wrong and you split

Not that I'm saying he is seeing anyone else but I can't get my head around this "conversation" thing. Who starts it.? What do you say? When is the right time ?