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Original poster

The Dating Thread 69

999 replies

FolkGirl · 07/02/2014 12:36

Just because I wanted to be the person to start it really Smile

Welcome one and all.

OP posts:
dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 14:31

I know. I really don't think he is, but he is a bit of a man-child who can't talk about stuff. I think I was trying to provoke him into discussing things. I can't mention the ex/childcare because it makes him sad.

CynicalOptimist · 12/02/2014 14:41

Just my opinion - but a decent relationship shouldn't be this much hard work.

This should be the honeymoon period but if you're having to walk on egg shells now imagine what it will be like once he really feels comfortable with you.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 14:45

Afternoon all :-)

santa - I agree, and you seem to be aware that you are probably reading between lines that aren't there. Doubts are normal and the healthy thing is to acknowledge them, think about them rationally and deal with them - which sounds like what you are doing and what posting on this thread is for!!

cynical - personally the boobs popping out comment wouldn't have bothered me - a bit hmm Hmm maybe, but the ''it's your fault'' reply to your objection is definitely not appropriate - if you've let someone know you are offended by them referring to your boobs in such a way, the appropriate repsonse is not to essentially blame you for having boobs. Thin ice indeed.

helloboys - aw, sorry to hear, welcome back though. It is pants when things just end like that.

jarlin - good sleuthing on the lawyer guy!

dont - I'm sorry, I'm with cynical and kitty, geeky is sounding more
and more controlling of you - sulking about something that happened when you were 17!!??? about your childcare arrangements that have nothing to do with him !!! refusing to kiss you because he was in a mood - until you 'persuaded' him to kiss you - goodness, why on earth do you need to be persuading someone to kiss you - manipulative and controlling. Teenagers have moods, not grown men. I understand you say you like the drama - but really??? This much drama so early on seems really over the top to me. It also sounds very much like you doing all the running around to try and fit you into the relationship how he wants it to be, rather than the two of you negotiating the relationship together. What is he doing to compromise - and don't say ''trying to not be jealous'' because he has no right to be jealous in the first place! I'm sorry to go on, it just makes me a bit angry to hear him worrying you all the time, if you have issues with anxiety anyway you probably don't need anyone adding to it.

And as for me and Niceguy - last night was the perfect cosy night in. Lovely dinner (if I do say so myself!), shared a bottle of wine, bit of telly snuggled on the sofa, and to bed Smile. He has now left several changes of tshirt/pants/socks here to join his toothbrush - so I guess he is quite confident that things are going well! Next stop V-day Grin

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 14:48

Geeky just texted saying the situation with my ex is detrimental to me progressing a relationship and he doesn't think he's the only guy who'd struggle in that regard.

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 14:49

I'm sat here crying.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 15:00

''he doesn't think he's the only guy who'd struggle in that regard'' sounds like he's saying ''so you'd better stick with me cos noone else would put up with it''...... completely unneccesary. Do you think that anything to do with your ex is detrimental to you, personally, as an individual, forming a relationship with anyone else?

MirandaWest · 12/02/2014 15:02

He's wrong. It might be a problem with his relationship with you but that is his problem and in no way yours.

I have a similar sort of relationship with my ex. I also have spent Christmas Day with him and the DC for the past few years and there are moderately often times when he is in my house with the DC or I am in his house. Geeky is having his own issues which IMO are unreasonable.

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 15:18

I think it might be over.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 15:25

What's happened dont? I'm heading back to work now but will try to keep an eye on the thread. Stay strong!

TalisaMaegyr · 12/02/2014 15:29

dont I'm honestly really worried about you and geeky. I can remember your last relationship, and how heartbroken you were. And this... is just not healthy, to me anyway.

You're treading on eggshells. That is NOT a good way to be in a relationship. And the way he is behaving is ridiculous. Huge red flags in all of this.

I hope you're ok Thanks

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 16:29

He doesn't know what he wants. It's up to me if I cancel my babysitter on Friday. He might just need time. I've been unfair not telling him beforehand that my ex would be coming to my house. And then, as he knows I use mumsnet - 'I bet you're having a field day on MN with this.' I ignored.

TalisaMaegyr · 12/02/2014 16:32

What does he mean he doesn't know what he wants? Confused What is that??

He's playing games dont. He's manipulating you by being all passive aggressive. I'm so sorry to be blunt, but I honestly think he's bad news. The way he's behaving this early in a relationship, when he's still supposed to be impressing you is not good.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 16:43

You've not been unfair. And again he's got you running around again- obviously it's up to you if you cancel the babysitter! As if that's his decision!!

It's not your problem if he doesn't know what he wants. Your only problem is deciding if you really want a long term relationship with him. He's telling you who he is. He's not going to magically change his behaviour given 'time', this is how he's treating you. Is it what you want?

Sorry for the tough love.

HelloBoys · 12/02/2014 16:54

dont - after my recent experiences if a man shows this much red flags so early on I'd take the advice given to me and run.

In fact it brings it home to me how I SHOULD be being treated!

I agree with what OneDayWhen says - he is telling you who he is. He really won't change magically, for you or anyone.

My boyfriend now is telling me about my situation (where he's not emotionally available) and I need to cut and run.

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 17:02

You are all right. So why did I text 'I love you' to him?

Parsley1234 · 12/02/2014 17:05

Delurking here enjoying reading all dating stories I met bf on sugar daddy benn together three years are having a blip at moment have had a lot of stress last few months both of us so might be back on here dating lol anyway don't your story reminds me soooo much of my ex controlling partner who fast forward four years is still single wondering why ! Controlling about my son my ex p my school choices my property investments my business in fact everything he had an opinion on an unhelpful one at that made me second guess myself made me second guess him Wd not spk to me if I did smthg he didn't agree with which cd be anything as it changed daily was so controlling anyway I left him and thank god I I'd he was a dreadful controlling person

HelloBoys · 12/02/2014 17:13

dont - so why did I believe (after 1 month or 6 weeks forget which) the protestations of 'I love you' from my boyfriend when it was most likely infatuation.

we get swept along by this. see/hear what we want to hear and block out the warning stuff.

Trust me I have just been doing this. and it's a shock and a PITA to admit you're wrong, they're a sod and you have to be kind to yourself.

Flowers
girliefriend · 12/02/2014 17:26

Hello dont oh dear, I didn't like your comments about having to please Geeky, that is never good imo. You should be able to be yourself and not end up devoting yourself to his happiness. Trust me - it will get harder and harder to please him and eventually nothing you do will be good enough.

Also you have 3 children, surely you don't need another one sulking and giving you grief?!!

I can understand him feeling uncomfortable with your ex being in your house, I am trying to imagine how I would feel in that scenario and I think I would be a bit jealous. But then I am a typical Scorpio and it doesn't take much to make me jealous!! Smallfeet mentioned he had met up with ex wife to discuss their divorce and I didn't like it.

However I absolutely didn't 'act up' or sulk because of it Shock

I think if you love him you are going to have to sit down and have a proper grown up discussion about all of these issues. Give him examples of where is behaviour has not been good, for example the not kissing you thing.

dippinmytoe · 12/02/2014 17:44

dont geekys behaviour is sad ! Exes and children go together and whether anybody else likes it or not is tough. If you are happy with your ex minding the children in your house then so be it... I would personally find it very difficult to have someone dictate over who can come in to my house and mind the children. Imo if someone is so controlling at the beginning , imagine a year or two down the line. I have had the controlling ex, gradually they do completely control you and you do everything to please them. If you discuss it with them , they can twist it so well , that they convince you that it's all your fault.
Going in to relationships as we get older is never going to be as simple as pre kids etc... we all have to accept that there will be contact with exes etc.

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 17:49

Guys I think I might stop posting for a bit, but I'll still lurk. Geeky thinks I'm getting a one sided view of him. He hasn't asked me to stop and he's never read my posts, but I know he doesn't like it and I want to make a go of it.

oldfashionedgirl · 12/02/2014 17:50

Parsley A proper sugar daddy website?!

splishsplosh · 12/02/2014 17:58

Don't -
you probably texted "I love you" because the dynamic of your relationship seems to be that he tells you what he likes or doesn't like, and has a sulk if you don't fall into line, then you have to try and appease him... not mentioning any ex, persuading him to kiss you, telling him you love him, contemplating changing your job. Is that how you want to live your life? Don't you want a relationship with someone who will discuss things with you and work with you and accept you and your life?

In my news - Mr Kinky bores me but he continues to text me very dully every day. I've been chatting to someone who seems normal and nice and local but it seems impossible to find a time to meet. He wanted to meet this Friday, then had overtime. Wanted to meet Saturday - now has warned me he has man flu and is not sure if he will have recovered by then! It's difficult enough for me to have free time so this seems doomed!

Parsley1234 · 12/02/2014 18:10

Proper sugar daddy website I don't know but I wanted someone who cd hold his own didn't want to support someone again ! It is run by time out I met my bf and a very nice dr on it. Down side there are chancers on it both male and female some women looking for an arrangement it is what it is I Wd use it again if needs be. I found match to be full of men who were just not my type never tried any others. Don't I hope you sort out your fealings re geeky kids and controlling bf without kids not a grt mix even when yourbf has kids can be full of difficulty as I'm finding out

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 18:14

dont well, yeah, we can only give our interpretations of the information you post, but it comes without any emotional blinkers. Which is why MN is so great. If I'd listened to people telling me to LTB when I posted about my ex years ago, rather than ignoring the wall of concerned advice I got and doing an ostrich impression, I'd have saved myself a lot of heartache! And probably be further on in my life emotional health/relationship wise now! But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I didn't listen because I wanted to try anything to make that work- including compromising myself massively. But then I'd invested 6 years of my life in that relationship. You met Geeky about 3 months ago. Hope you find a way through this, either way, that's best for you & your dc Cake

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 18:17

splish goodness Mr Kinky's man flu sounds serious, has he been to the GP? Written a will?? I would text such sarcastic comments, only ever text once he's replied, and ensure he is chasing you.... you are the prize remember!!