The Dating Thread 69

[FolkGirl]

Just because I wanted to be the person to start it really

Welcome one and all.

cynical - yes I see what you say. I just see this as so unfair and out of the blue. He then texts me saying how nice I am, he hates that this is happening to me as I'm so nice, in fact the reason he realises this now (his issues?!) is that I'm so nice. Maybe I should just run now.

dontcallmehon thanks. still upset.

dontcallmehon if Geeky jealous of your ex?? It seems a bit off that he objects to your childcare arrangements where they involve your ex.
After all he's going to have to get used to the fact that your ex is going to be in your life beacuse of your kids.

HelloBoys you're bound to be upset especially as you didn't see this coming but have faith there's someone who will REALLY appreciate how nice you are out there for you.

Cynical Geeky is jealous of anyone I've ever been involved with. He had a sulk last week because I was messing about on facebook and looked at someone's profile and then at their girlfriend . Geeky guessed it was someone I'd been involved with - which yes, if you count when I was 17 (briefly), was true. Then he got in a mood about that. I was a bit in the wrong there, I guess.

But my childcare arrangements, he might have to just get used to. I'm contemplating changing jobs so my ex doesn't have to come to my house and I can appease geeky! I'm a self employed tutor, but I'm thinking supply teaching on a long term contract might be better.

I know Geeky sounds a bit intense, but I do like a complicated man and I am a fairly dramatic person myself. It's just I wish he'd get used to the childcare arrangements. Yes it's not ideal, but it is how it is at the moment.

HelloBoys you will feel hurt at the moment, but I agree with Cynical - there will be someone much better out there for you.

That's the problem I rarely meet someone I like or if I do meet someone then it goes pear shaped.

Last year I literally had stepped away from the dating websites wasn't doing it and just joined this one (which is fun, not deadly serious like others) we've had a great few months and now this.

HelloBoys If it helps I've found that OLD really is all swings and roundabouts. Sometimes I'm talking to a few guys and then maybe I can go weeks without a single message; talk about an ego de-flater lol

And I'm pretty much finding it the same as you, even those who do message me I rarely like and those I do like seem to evaporate into thin air. It's all about not taking it too personally and just sticking with it.

Jarlin - wouldn't it be wonderfull if we could get them together and morph them into some sort of compromise betwwen the two extremes??!

It is frustrating OLD at times, but it only takes one good one. It just takes a long time to find them sometimes, that's all.

What worries me with geeky is that I find myself wanting to do things to please him, or not telling him something because I know he won't like it. After I mentioned that my ex would be here sometimes with the dc he wouldn't even kiss me for about an hour (although I eventually persuaded him ). He said he just needed to process things.

Jarlin thanks for sharing - your experience makes me think that what I'm doing currently is right for the dc. Geeky says he doesn't have a problem with ex popping round when I'm here, but he hates him being in the house if I'm not.

Dontcallmehon - I have to be honest Geeky's behaviour would be a huge red flag for me - jealousy is never a good thing especially as you are already modifying your behaviour to please him and to avoid his moods.

I know you say you like "complicated" men but really can you contemplate a lifetime of his hissy fits and sulking? Sounds draining to me regardless of whatever his good points were......I'm presuming he does have some good points??

He has a lot of good points. He's clever, very funny, very attractive, very tall (which I like), stylish, thoughtful, great at choosing presents, reliable, trustworthy, never late. If he says he'll do something, he does it. He just tends to withdraw when he's in a mood and I probably just need to learn to give him space. Plus when he looks at me I can normally tell what he's thinking. There is quite an intense connection that we have. And I love him, so I can't contemplate not being with him. He does frustrate/irritate me sometimes with his OCD tendencies and his sulks, but that's just who he is.

Cynical the way you say it that way maybe I should stick with it and start with this thread's suggestions here.

It's not fair to me to be in a relationship that isn't working. I'm better than that

Why am I so cynical and distrusting??. It's like I will never allow myself to feel joy, excitement or happiness. Actually that's not strictly true and I know the answer to my own question. It's because of my previous dating/ relationship experiences. EA relationship followed by 3 month relationship with OL man who professed he'd really fallen for me then when I fell for him it all went wrong

Anyway Mr Bricky has been texting again today. I was saying I feel like phoning in sick, he said he's on his way home due to the weather and it was a pity I'm. It off as we could've done something together. I immediately think SEX, he's trying to shag me and that's all he wants and will be gone afterwards.

Then he says let's not leave it so long between dates next time, again I think SEX. I'm looking for a relationship, how do you know what these men are looking for? Few will say "look I'm not after a relationship, I just want sex and no complications"

God why can't I just take things as they come? And relax

Santa - try having my ones, last was Mr Scarlet Pimpernel (they seek him here they seek him there...!) who was emotionally withdrawn and hard to pin down (I did date him for almost 2 years on and off).

and then I meet a nice guy last year seems perfect on paper but after 3 months in he has issues HIS problems!

no wonder we're cynical!

It's so hard. Mr Bricky just sounds interested in you though, Santa. Easier said than done, but try and enjoy it.

I'm feeling uneasy about Geeky. Why do I have to fall for someone so temperamental .

Jarlin Mr Cuddles is indeed 6ft tall; we may have found a solution

Santa you can be glad sometimes they don't say EXACTLY what's on their mind! I had one guy who was very upfront on our first date about what he wanted:

• He could only see someone monday - friday after work
• Sex was important to him so these "dates" would have to include sex
• He was tired after work so he would prefer if these meet-ups could

take place at her place So, slightly aghast I asked hin so you're just looking for an available vagina?! To which he replied "YES!"

Complete scumbag but you gotta admire the sheer audacity!!

cynical omg how did he have the nerve to come out with that!!!,

I'm now suspicious that me Bricky may be married, he told me he has had to move back in with his parents, his dad is very ill so when his relationship ended he went back to live with them

Actually I'm being ridiculous now because he asked if I wanted to drive to his and he would drive us to the cinema from there tomorrow. I did say no on this occasion

I think maybe I have my own issues

No you don't have issues Santa we've just been let down so often we have become (possibly) overly cautious.

If it helps I'm a bit like you too, I'm constantly second-guessing myself and wondering if I'm being sensible or if I'm just being maybe too cynical.

If I were in your shoes I would go with the flow for now with Mr Bricky and see how things develop.

I think that's all we can do cynical is go with it and see what happens as the only other choice is give up. Fingers crossed for us all :)

I've adopted a philosophical approach; if it goes tits up it obviously wasn't meant to be.

I still have faith Mr Right is out there

Santa I think you could be reading too much into it. 'Let's not leave it too long between dates' to me means just that. Even if he wants sex, you can say no, you know . I think we all have issues in everyday life, and ones we bring into relationships. The key is working through them, hopefully together.

Dont Sorry but he sounds manipulative and controlling. Sorry but that's just the way he's coming across in your posts. You've said he's moody, doesn't like your (YOUR) childcare arrangements, gets the face on when you mention/look at/are in contact with any exes and worst of all, you admit you compromise your words and actions 'because you know he won't like it'. Which part of that is healthy?? Have you seen the thread in AIBU about women choosing decent partners and looking out for red flags in the early days, so they don't end up stuck with losers or abusers? I can't recall the title and I'm on my lunch hour at work so haven't got much time, but it was there last night as I was reading it. Lots of things you say have been red flags to me, and 'but that's just who he is' isn't good enough. None of us here want to see you get hurt.

Cynical That boobs popping out comment would piss me off. Why even make it? See what happens if you go on the date but be wary.

This is the thread Dont. It starts off about why women have kids with arseholes but goes into more depth about the red flags we all need to look for and the fact that women should be confident enough to leave a relationship with a loser or abuser, knowing that in time they'll meet someone else much more decent and worthy of them.

I don't want to bring the thread down, I'm just a bit worried and concerned for you.

Keep dating, everyone...

SoftKitty - rest assured Mr Cuddles is walking on VERY thin ice. I'm very suspicious all his declarations of wanting a relationship where there are lots of cuddles is just a manipulative way of getting FWB without actually having to say it! Texting is not a good way to judge anyone's true motives though, which is why I'm still meeting him face to face tomorrow.

OK, shouldn't have done this, but I asked Geeky if he was a manipulative and controlling abuser and he's gone in a huff with me again.

dontcallmehon - what was you expecting him to say??
He's hardly going to admit it and say oh yes I am