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Original poster

The Dating Thread 69

999 replies

FolkGirl · 07/02/2014 12:36

Just because I wanted to be the person to start it really Smile

Welcome one and all.

OP posts:
Santaclaws · 10/02/2014 08:05

Bant I also value your opinion and it was a genuine question when I asked for a male perspective.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/02/2014 08:12

Aargh and now my morning time to catch up on the thread has been taken up with Green's attacks on Bant rather than the matter at hand! But I do know I want to say

Lahti good for you for binning him, how are you today? Sounds like a very extreme reaction - itself a flag? Whatever else he says, he lied - he said he deleted his profile (singular) when clearly he had done no such thing.

and Lizzie KICK!!! KICK KICK KICK!!! Smile

ClottedCreamYum · 10/02/2014 08:24

Longtime lurker on this board. Delurking to say that Green's personal attack on Bant is completely unwarranted. Bant is a long-time contributor to this thread, and brings a valuable- to most reasonable people-male perspective. Perhaps Green has another agenda and has been known under another name in the past.... another name known to s*stir.

GreenRedBlueYellowPurple · 10/02/2014 08:30

Well I will report Bant's post when he says it's generally expected to have sex on the 3rd date. Especially if dinner at the woman's house. My work involves emotional abuse/ domestic violence and date rape etc and I think this could be used by some readers as a great excuse for date rape!

GreenRedBlueYellowPurple · 10/02/2014 08:31

I personally know women who have been raped in their homes whilst dating a man from the Internet.

kaumana · 10/02/2014 08:36

Green Your attacks on Bant are completely unjust.

Lahti · 10/02/2014 08:38

I always read this thread, but infrequently comment on it (except for last night).
Although I don't like the comment by Bant as in the the general view of men it does bear out to generally be true.
He gave very good advice to a poster in the past who was being strung along by a guy she met on the internet who then just wanted to be friends.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/02/2014 08:38

Just to give you the chance to clarify, green, are you implying Bant may be a rapist?

Original poster
FolkGirl · 10/02/2014 08:42

Green I feel you are being more than a little harsh. I, for one, hope that Bant will turn up and respond to a post I've made. I value a male perspective.

And I found his comments on dtd last night to be really interesting.

There are a lot of posts on and across these dating threads that talk about the 3rd date being the one where sex is generally on the cards (not expected). I'm an adult, I'm quite capable of making it clear whether I want sex or not.

I don't doubt that there are women who have been raped in their homes whilst OD, but that is because they have met rapists and not because they have met men through OD.

I've met a couple of oddbods, but at no point during OD have I feared for my safety.

And just because there are some complete bastards out there, doesn't mean Bant isn't welcome here. This isn't a board to support single mothers dating, it's for everyone. That remit was clear from the beginning.

OP posts:
Bant · 10/02/2014 08:50

Alright, let's get a couple of things clear here.

Firstly, I didn't say I expect sex on the third date, just that there is a general accepted point at which it is reasonable to think it's not too soon. I didn't say men (or women) should demand it, just that that's a recognised norm, and that an invitation to someones home may mean sex is on the cards, not a guarantee or a promise.

I've also said many, many many times that neither party should DTD if they don't want to, and that doing it too early can be detrimental to the possibilities of a relationship.

Secondly, where the actual fuck do you get off impying I'm a rapist? Or implying that all men who do online dating are rapists?

Reported.

ALittleStranger · 10/02/2014 09:04

I'm pleased to see "Green's" posts have already been reported. A nasty and unwarranted outburst.

This is not a board for single mothers. Men are allowed to post here and I believe there's also quite a few of us sneaky childless women who post as well.

No posts have justified rape. It is true that generally an invite for a home cooked meal as a third date will put the suggestion of sex in the air and if posters don't realise that then I think it's helpful for others to point it out. No one has followed through and said anyone is obliged to put out or at fault if they get raped.

Personally I find it offensive to start labelling Bant's (or anyone else's) dates as "vulnerable women". Adults get to know each other, they have sex, they get to know each other a bit more, sometimes they don't like what they find.

dippinmytoe · 10/02/2014 09:05

My goodness what a carry on . I think green has been very harsh on bant for no reason what so ever. I have followed this thread for a long time and the very odd time I post . I have trouble believing greens post tbh. Keep posting bant the perspective of a male is always wanted in the crazy world of dating .

niceupthedance · 10/02/2014 09:12

Oh god. Not this AGAIN.

MirandaWest · 10/02/2014 09:19

Green I too feel your attacks on Bant are unjustified. You asked a question and he answered it. I didn't realise you were being sarcastic in what you said and I doubt anyone else did either.

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2014 09:20

Thank goodness others agree, I thought I was on a parallel universe for a minute there!

TheCrow · 10/02/2014 09:33

What the deuce?! I couldn't see anything wrong with Bant's replies, and telling any member of the thread to fuck off just because you don't agree with them is out of order. I really don't understand what the problem is with anything he's said Confused

Can we please get back to talking about dating? I have an issue- tonight Mr Guitarist is coming over. I told my STBXH I had a date because I needed him to babysit, yesterday he asked me 'where he was taking me' (that wording annoyed me!) and I said I didn't know yet. In truth I'm meeting him for one drink but it's arranged for him to come back to mine as long as he's not crazy I knos my ex will ask for details about where we went, what on Earth do I tell him?

ALittleStranger · 10/02/2014 09:37

Well Crow, "it's none of your business" is always a valid answer. Seriously, I think it would be healthy to establish ground rules early on that you won't keep each other updated on the ins and outs of every date that's what loo updates are for. As long as you're keeping your DCs safe it's nothing to do with him at the moment.

Or if you want to give details I'd just say the name of the bar/pub you're meeting in and leave it at that.

dippinmytoe · 10/02/2014 09:37

I would keep it all vague with your ex crow , he doesn't really need to know the finer details. I know if I told my ex I was going on a date , he would refuse to babysit!

Bant · 10/02/2014 09:38

Sorry Crow - your STBXH is asking where Mr Guitarist is taking you? I'd just say 'for a drink' or 'for a meal'. He doesn't even need to know that much, does he? If you want to be sarky, tell him 'Paris'

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2014 09:41

Ooh Paris. goes all misty eyed

Just tell him you'd prefer not to discuss your dating with him.

TheCrow · 10/02/2014 09:49

I said a while back that I didn't really want to discuss dating but we're still friends and I feel a bit mean telling him to mind his own business, especially since he could have refused to babysit as it's not his night. He keeps namedropping his new date into conversation and then saying that 'friends talk about dates' but think I'll have a word. He went into detail about his last date so think he'll expect the same from me

HanselandGretel · 10/02/2014 09:55

Mindboggling personal attacks and ranting at Bant coming hot on the heels of him mentioning he doesn't date the thread having been asked out by said poster...hmmm.
Anyway, I too welcome a male perspective on here and would like to see more males on here, it's rubbish to say it's 'for women', it's for parents as far as I can see, maybe MN should consider a namechangeWink

Crow - saying a drink should be enough.

GreenRedBlueYellowPurple · 10/02/2014 10:12

I asked him out as a joke! Hahahahaha!

bloomingbloom · 10/02/2014 10:19

I think the issue, with regarding some of the ' male' advice, is that it isnt very balanced at all.

There is a very real risk of some posters taking the lone voice as gospel, and ending up more hurt/ confused and possibly doing something they didnt feel comfortable with... such as third date sex, because the solitary male voice has said thats whats expected.

I also think its worth some posters thinking about why there are so many unwarranted attacks on one poster, its been happening for as long as he has been posting.

With regards to whens best to have sex when dating, the only time, is when it feels right for you. If you are holding out because you labour under the false illusion that it might help it turn into a relationship, then dont. Bants post illustrated that perfectly well.

For a woman, the most vulnerable part of dating is not the first date, as you are not invested, but post first sex. If the woman feels a bit insecure and is looking for reassurance from the man she has shared a few dates with, cooked for and played host to his cock... then shes insane and likely to make him run for the hills.

Of course, this is just bull, and its most likely the guy was only interested in sex from the off, he got it and will come up with any excuse to make him not seem like a bad guy for doing that.

If you have sex when you want, because you want to have sex, then you remove all that crap.

The best dating advice is not to worry about the other person, but to pay attention, listen to yourself, if it feels good, do it. if it doesnt, or you are worried, angsty, or something doesnt sit right, avoid. And to remember, that its about your needs, not meeting the needs of some man.

CynicalOptimist · 10/02/2014 10:43

Wow, I've missed a lot on here by not being able to go online over the weekend! I've not read ALL the posts but I get the jist of them! Play nicely please people Smile

Bant I don't think you're in a minority when you admit you sometimes disengage from a woman after DTD. I've read that men like the thrill of the chase and once that's over that's it no more excitement. Sweeping generalisation of course, but I'm not going to argue with biology!! lol
I value your male perspective on here, but if it helps I don't take it as gospel just an opinion Wink

On a personal note, my date on Sunday went very well......I think!
It was ok until we went outside and had to say goodbye, which to set the scene was outside a busy city-centre pub, I went for the hug/peck combo but he went into full snog mode! I couldn't help it I recoiled a bit but then he had a second attempt! I'm too old to snog on the street Shock

Any way I'm seeing him again on thursday night and I've told him I'm definately not into PDAs. I'll see if he behaves himself!