How can I improve sex life with dh?

[lollyj2]

We've been together for three years, married for almost two and since almost the beginning, sex has been a bit of an issue.

I have always had quite a high sex drive and when we first got together we'd have sex quite often.

A few months in, however, it started to tail off, which left me feeling a little hurt. Things came to a head when we moved in together, we had sex regularly for the first couple of weeks, I didn't think anything of it, but one night, dh thew an almighty strop, got angry at me, said couldn't he go to bed just to sleep without being pressured into sex. I didn't realise I was pressuring him. So I backed off.

Sex has always been very one sided. I am not allowed to initiate anything, as he told me it puts him under pressure, so I wait for him. Usually, it's once a week/every ten days when he's in the mood. He never engages in any foreplay, the most he will do is jab his fingers in me for a few minuets (TMI, sorry) until it hurts me so much I just get on with it and have sex to get it over with. He also looks so bored when he's touching me, most of the time he is staring at the telly, so I stop him to stop myself getting upset. Most of the time, I will give him a bj, touch him, kiss him - in part to try and turn myself on so that sex isn't painful, but mainly because if I didn't, sex would just be me on top until he comes.

I have never had an orgasm (not just with him, but with anyone) but I am ashamed to say that I learned many years ago just to fake it so as not to dent a mans delicate little ego.

He never undresses me, I think he's only ever seen me naked a handful of times, which makes me feel like crap.

I have tried everything, dressing up, sex toys (which he laughed at me while using, said I looked ridiculous), not asking for sex, asking for sex (If I ask can we have sex tonight/tomorrow I either get 'oh yeah, of course" and then it doesn't happen, or I get told "if you behave" which makes me feel terrible).

I have tried talking to him so many times. But he either tells me to stop slagging him off (I don't I approach it in a nice way) or he's nasty and tells me that he just doesn't want sex a lot, he'd rather go on his computer.

Oral sex is another big issue. It's the only thing that feels nice to me. When we first got together, he said he liked doing it. Then after a couple of months he stopped, so I left it. A few months later, I asked why he didn't do that to me anymore and he got angry saying he hated it, hated the taste and smell. Again, I felt like shit. He does it sometimes, but again, the other day, same thing. Had him shouting at me saying he hates it, what man could ever like doing that to a woman etc. I've posted about that on here before, and I got told by many 'stop giving him oral sex then'. But if I don't, like I said, sex is just him literally putting his penis in me.

I think he has a really unrealistic view of sex due to the amount of porn he used to watch. He hasn't watched it since we were together, but he openly admitted it ruined his sex life with previous girlfriends, which is why he stopped. His views on sex are very much pornified, all to do with the mans gratification.

I really love him, and I am desperate for some sort of connection and closeness. I don't know what to do. If I try and talk to him, he gets angry and there is a huge argument.

This is my second marriage. I was married to someone else for 9 years and that was totally sexless. For different issues, but I basically didn't have sex for the entirety of my 20's and all I want is a normal sex life.
He thinks we have a wonderful sex life - well, he does. He only gets sex when he wants and when he does I am so pathetically grateful that it's all about him.

I thought he might be gay at one point (I asked him outright, he said he wasn't). He seems to hate my genital area. Hates pubic hair, I have to shave everything off, to the point where I get huge, painful cysts where I get ingrown hairs. It's horrible and painful. He seems to hate my body and I hate my body too now. I've lost all my confidence and I have become so embarrassed about sex. It's now got even more painful as I just tense up and because I have tried so hard to kill my sex drive over the past year so that I don't get frustrated, I find it hard to get turned on. So now it's mostly horrible.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking, but how do you talk to someone who just gets angry and defensive?

We did get together quickly.

I was still living with exh - but we just shared a house really.

We were both moving to the city I live in now for work when i met now dh, he was living here at the time. When I was looking for flats, we had been together 8 months or so, things were going well so we decided to move in together.

I am going to talk to him tonight. If he gets angry its over.

We nearly split a few of weeks ago after a row about this. At the time I was scared and panicked about splitting, but as time has gone on I've been thinking about it and I've thought maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

And no, I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

I was with ex h from 21 until 31. No sex there after ds was conceived (I found out he was sleeping with prostitues on bushiness trips).

Before that, I'd had boyfriends, but none of them had really liked me, and it was only ever short term, maybe 3 months at most.

I have never had sex with anyone who had truly cared about me - aside from my first ever boyfriend when I was 16. He was only 17 himself bless him, but honestly, I wish I had that kind of relationship now.

You can have a loving relationship again, most men are not like this, he's abusing you.

Lolly have you had some advise about finances etc? Might be advisable.

What I think would really help is to speak to women's aid though - 08082000247

Op, you've got your whole life ahead of you. You're only mid 30s now.
Please don't waste time on this nasty man.

Have your talk if you must, but I don't believe he is capable of change. Start planning your escape. This man is fucked up and it is not your fault.

*advice

flange yes I have told him. Thats when he turns things around and gets angry at me, saying I am slagging him off and making him feel crap.

I have asked him during sex to go slower, be gentle. I just get boredom sighs and looks and it's off putting.

I have tried showing him what I like. Makes no difference.

And no, I am not sure he's not gay. He's pretty homophobic - not to a huge extent, but the only other man I have known to have mentioned gay people and how strange they are all the time was a boy at school who later came out as gay himself. Ok, thats only an example of one, but to me it all fits.

He's told me that he doesn't like to take my top off before as he was breastfed until he was 5 - he still remembers his mum feeding him so he doesn't see breasts as sexual. But then he took that back a while later, so it could be bullshit.

You will have a good sex life with the right man.

Do you think you need to work on your self esteem and worth, you're way too good for this man, you have to grasp that.

OP I really hope you get away and I really hope if you do meet anyone in the future they treat you with the love, kindness and respect that you deserve. I find your posts so upsetting - you are worth a million times more than this man gives you, I really hope you can place some value on yourself and see that.

He's vile

I'm sure he has problems and issues, but really, you want to stay with him?

I'm sorry, he's just vile

OP, I have been in your position (although fortunately no DC involved). Please listen to the overwhelming voice of this thread.

I spent 12 years (a third of my life ffs), with a man JUST the same as yours. His issue is one of control. Sex is simply his preferred means of ensuring you stay in your place. Being openly affectionate is the smokescreen that serves the dual purpose of making him look good to outsiders and to you.

I also did not realise I was being abused and manipulated until AFTER I made the break (helped in no small part by this site). If you take a really hard, objective look at ALL his behaviour, weigh up the changes and sacrifices you have made for this relationship against any he has made, I think you will shock yourself.

I know it's tough to come to terms with, but you ARE being abused, and both you and your son DO deserve better.

And I am going to add my voice of concern to Numpty's regarding his intentions toward your son. I had the same gut feeling after reading your OP. For all the reasons Numpty gives.

Sorry OP. You both really will be better off without him. Please believe me, as someone infinitely happier and healthier 18 months after leaving.

I think the important thing is when you talk to him to make it about the wider problems that the sex thing represents. It sounds like when you've discussed this before it's just been about the sex, so it becomes about having sex more often and he says you are pressuring him etc. But the real issues here are 1) he has hugely damaged your self esteem and confidence and 2) he doesn't seem bothered about your pleasure, enjoyment and happiness.

The thing is though many men of this age group had access to porn in their teens. My DP is one, but he is nothing like this when it comes to sex. He cares equally about my pleasure and loves my body as it is. I don't think you/he can simply blame porn, if he was a good man he would love and care for you both in and out of the bedroom.

Oh dear, the breasts thing is very strange, it does sound like he has huge issues with women's bodies, and with seeing you as a real human being with real needs and feelings. I'm so sorry that you've had to live like this. If he told you that you were behaving in a way that was causing him real pain, physical and psychological, you'd be horrified and would do anything to make it better, right? But when you tell him the same he gets angry or looks bored, or insults you? If he truly has a problem with sex and women's bodies, he should seek counselling, and give you the choice of leaving now or supporting him through a process of healing. But if he can't do that, I can't see how you can possibly stay in this relationship.
Address the porn watching too- ask him why he used to watch it, when a real woman holds such little interest to him. Ask him whether he thinks it is right that you've subliminated your pleasure and desire to his functionality?
Good luck.

I was just pointing out how lame and laughable it is that the best relationship I have had was with my first ever boyfriend. Which mainly consisted of hanging round the back of Argos in Reading drinking hooch, something I don't want a repeat of.

I don't know what I want. I think I'd be better off on my own for a while. I obviously only choose dickheads.

OP, can I ask you about your first marriage? I'm just wondering if you were drawn to your current husband because there was a sense of familiarity IYKWIM.

lolly, did you post about this a while ago? Some of the details are very familiar?

Not that it really matters, things are clearly bloody horrible for you. He is abusive and dysfunctional. I can't see how things could 'improve' with someone who clearly has huge issues around sex and women's bodies.

He says you are making him feel like crap.

His behaviour needs to change. I have my doubts that he can change as his contempt for you seems so deeply ingrained. It really doesn't matter that he's okay in other areas, this is abuse my love and it will wear you down and eat into all other areas of your life.

That's really sad. I think your previous marriage may be influencing your response to this one.

To me it would be normal if someone was watching TV whilst they attempted some cak-handed foreplay to stop them and ask them what the hell they think they were doing. Or I'd start given them a blow job and just as they started to get into it, stop, yawn and stretch and go and put the TV on saying how bored you are and how you can't be arsed.

If the person was being rough I'd tell them to stop and then show them how. If they continued to hurt me I would return the favour with a death grip around their knob. or a touch of lockjaw

If they mocked my pubic hair I would ask them why they find a natural woman's body repulsive and whether they should seek sexual counselling to explore if they might be gay.

If my partner laughed/mocked me whilst using a sex toy I would tell them to leave the room as I had an infinitely better time sexually on my own than at anytime with them.

If my partner was rude about giving me oral sex I would tell him that's a shame as it's the only thing that turns me on enough to have sex with them. I would then stop having sex with them until my needs were recognised.

There is no doubt that your husband is a shit of a man but in future (with hopefully a new partner) I think you need to counter any more shit robustly.

Op this is NOT your fault - he behaves like he does because he wants to, not because you have done something wrong!

But I still recommend the Freedom Programme and Women's Aid - not only to help you but to make you realise what you are worth, and believe me it is way more than you have at the moment.

I have posted a few times about this over the past two years. I name change regularly as exh/his new wife know I use mums net and have found me before.

My first marriage was a mistake. Huge mistake, we were wrong for each other. I stayed because I fell pregnant with ds.

Can you do some digging and check the history on the pc / his phone to see if he is still watching porn and if so which flavour?

I'm sorry to say the 1st thing that sprang to my mind was that's he's gay! A few gay men I know are repulsed at female genitals & their smell .. For him to use the word repulsed is very strong!

So he doesn't see breasts as sexual and he finds female genitals repulsive?

You can improve your sex life by finding a man who actually likes women.

This guy is a total prick. The things he says to you and the ways he treats you are shocking.