How can I improve sex life with dh?

[lollyj2]

We've been together for three years, married for almost two and since almost the beginning, sex has been a bit of an issue.

I have always had quite a high sex drive and when we first got together we'd have sex quite often.

A few months in, however, it started to tail off, which left me feeling a little hurt. Things came to a head when we moved in together, we had sex regularly for the first couple of weeks, I didn't think anything of it, but one night, dh thew an almighty strop, got angry at me, said couldn't he go to bed just to sleep without being pressured into sex. I didn't realise I was pressuring him. So I backed off.

Sex has always been very one sided. I am not allowed to initiate anything, as he told me it puts him under pressure, so I wait for him. Usually, it's once a week/every ten days when he's in the mood. He never engages in any foreplay, the most he will do is jab his fingers in me for a few minuets (TMI, sorry) until it hurts me so much I just get on with it and have sex to get it over with. He also looks so bored when he's touching me, most of the time he is staring at the telly, so I stop him to stop myself getting upset. Most of the time, I will give him a bj, touch him, kiss him - in part to try and turn myself on so that sex isn't painful, but mainly because if I didn't, sex would just be me on top until he comes.

I have never had an orgasm (not just with him, but with anyone) but I am ashamed to say that I learned many years ago just to fake it so as not to dent a mans delicate little ego.

He never undresses me, I think he's only ever seen me naked a handful of times, which makes me feel like crap.

I have tried everything, dressing up, sex toys (which he laughed at me while using, said I looked ridiculous), not asking for sex, asking for sex (If I ask can we have sex tonight/tomorrow I either get 'oh yeah, of course" and then it doesn't happen, or I get told "if you behave" which makes me feel terrible).

I have tried talking to him so many times. But he either tells me to stop slagging him off (I don't I approach it in a nice way) or he's nasty and tells me that he just doesn't want sex a lot, he'd rather go on his computer.

Oral sex is another big issue. It's the only thing that feels nice to me. When we first got together, he said he liked doing it. Then after a couple of months he stopped, so I left it. A few months later, I asked why he didn't do that to me anymore and he got angry saying he hated it, hated the taste and smell. Again, I felt like shit. He does it sometimes, but again, the other day, same thing. Had him shouting at me saying he hates it, what man could ever like doing that to a woman etc. I've posted about that on here before, and I got told by many 'stop giving him oral sex then'. But if I don't, like I said, sex is just him literally putting his penis in me.

I think he has a really unrealistic view of sex due to the amount of porn he used to watch. He hasn't watched it since we were together, but he openly admitted it ruined his sex life with previous girlfriends, which is why he stopped. His views on sex are very much pornified, all to do with the mans gratification.

I really love him, and I am desperate for some sort of connection and closeness. I don't know what to do. If I try and talk to him, he gets angry and there is a huge argument.

This is my second marriage. I was married to someone else for 9 years and that was totally sexless. For different issues, but I basically didn't have sex for the entirety of my 20's and all I want is a normal sex life.
He thinks we have a wonderful sex life - well, he does. He only gets sex when he wants and when he does I am so pathetically grateful that it's all about him.

I thought he might be gay at one point (I asked him outright, he said he wasn't). He seems to hate my genital area. Hates pubic hair, I have to shave everything off, to the point where I get huge, painful cysts where I get ingrown hairs. It's horrible and painful. He seems to hate my body and I hate my body too now. I've lost all my confidence and I have become so embarrassed about sex. It's now got even more painful as I just tense up and because I have tried so hard to kill my sex drive over the past year so that I don't get frustrated, I find it hard to get turned on. So now it's mostly horrible.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking, but how do you talk to someone who just gets angry and defensive?

It might be that his attitudes were shaped by porn. His failure to listen to you now, his anger and his control is all down to him.

I can't believe a man who laughs at your desire, who insists you look a certain way, who looks bored while touching you is a nice man.

He is not, OP.

His previous girlfriends left him because of it. I think you will have to, too.

I'm sorry but this is a terrible example for your ds. Do you want him to have no respect for women like your DH?
I wouldn't want him teaching my ds how to treat women!

Lolly - My DH is 26, he grew up with his Dads porn around the house and his brothers "girly" photos on the wall. It isn't a generational thing, its a personal issue. It is his issue.

He either wants help or he doesn't.

If he doesn't want help, you know that he doesn't care enough to want to please you and make you feel loved. That just isn't good enough.

Oh no OP this is not good, he has sex with you "if you behave", this is wrong on so many levels.

Ok, so please, how do I talk to him?

My confidence is shot. I am so embarrassed to talk about sex. I don't know where to begin.

Also OP - the orgasm issue you mentioned - if you were with a more caring person, or even on your own, then maybe you could explore this further. I think staying with him means you are never going to find sex enjoyable ever again - how utterly heartbreaking is that?

I'm struggling to reconcile the idea that someone can be repulsed by your body and sexually/emotionally/verbally abusive towards you and you can claim it is just a problem with sex.

I don't see how that can be true, the problem you have described is not even a problem with sex. It is a problem which manifests around sex, but the problem is that you are married to an abusive man who is destroying your self worth. The fact you think this is something that can be fixed if only you work hard enough is also characteristic of a victim of abuse.

I'm not sure you are seeing this as as serious as it is and I do think you should be worried about your son because at the very least your husband is a man that hates women and your son is at a very impressionable age.

I wouldn't invest too much in his, what sound like, over the top public displays of affection either. This is all part of the abuse IMO, he's counter balancing the horrific sexual abuse with overbearing public affection to make himself look good for you and other people.

Write it all down as constructively as you can, if he still ignores your needs then you really need to reassess your life with him.

What he is doing is putting your down constantly by rejecting you, this is not a loving relationship. You want intimacy and yes sexual gratification and you are being constantly denied but not just that, he actually verbally abuses you in the process, your self esteem must be on the floor, he sounds a complete selfish bully. No wonder you are starting to look at other men.

I'm afraid it's ultimatum time, he either works with you on this or you'd be best to split so you can find a man that actually wants you.

Lolly I don't generally like talking about sex (always cringe abit)
But this is one of them things you just need to do. As soon as you are alone and can talk (without ds walking in etc)
You just need to tell him everything, how he has completely ruined your self esteem.
If I sat down and say that to my DH he would be devestated. And if your DH is worth keeping then he will be to.

I would give him an ultimatum, go for it with all guns blazing, tell him how much he makes you feel like shit, that you are a normal woman with normal needs. I would tell him he either faces up to HIS problem and seeks help or you'll find someone who treats you properly as you deserve. Your son will be fine, happy mum, happy kids.

This isn't going to get any better until he realises exactly what he's doing to you.

I don't think it is ultimatum time or that you should talk to him tbh. I think you need to get the fuck away from him. I don't buy that porn has made him like this either, it may have fed his sexuality, it may have reassured him but he is not like he is because of porn. He is abusive, that's why he's like this and by using porn as an excuse he gives you something to focus on in your quest to fix things.

I really agree with AF, it is time for getting support from women's aid and making plans to leave.

Really honestly this man either knows he is ruining her self esteem and likes it or is a sociopath and doesn't care, he doesn't need to be told. Telling him will just fuel worse behaviour IMO.

I agree, I think you could talk to him until you are blue in the face - he isn't going to change his attitude towards you or his treatment of you. The only way you can change this is to get the hell away.

dh thew an almighty strop, got angry at me, said couldn't he go to bed just to sleep without being pressured into sex. I didn't realise I was pressuring him. So I backed off.Sex has always been very one sided. I am not allowed to initiate anything

Is this how you want to spend the next 30odd years? Sorry but I don't think he's going to change.

I mean come on, he has told he he is repulsed by her body and laughed at her while she was using sex toys, this is beyond being a little bit insensitive and needing to be shocked into realisation, it is a long period of systematic abuse.

OP, I am so sorry you are in this situation.

You say he is good for your son. That may be true now. What about when your son is a teenager? He will pick up on your husband's attitudes towards sex and towards women. He will think that is normal and will replicate it in his own relationships.

You do not want your son to grow up like this man.

Your husband is abusing you.

He makes you feel shit about your body.

He makes you feel guilty for wanting sex.

He isn't bothered about your sexual pleasure and doesn't care when he hurts you.

You are having sex when you don't want too.

You are grateful for shit sex.

Nothing else that goes on in your life with him is worth all that.

I honestly don't think you have a marriage worth saving. You say you love him, but what is there to love about a selfish twisted controlling person who has stripped you any self worth you ever had?
My gut instinct tells me there is more to this story than meets the eye.
You met and married quite quickly; was it your need to find a stable relationship for you and your son?
Most people have watched porn at sometime in their lives and it hasn't necessarily warped their minds, in fact it has made them if anything experimental in the bedroom.
If I were you I'd leave, just a couple of weeks, stay with parents or a close friend. It will give you time to reflect and think about what you are going to do with the rest of your life.
Don't be surprised if your son opens up to you about his true feelings for his step dad, kids are very intuitive.

O.P- have you ever told him categorically that he is a selfish,inept lover?

Have you ever discussed the normality/necessity of foreplay? If so how has he responded?

I don't think you are wrong about pornification of society btw but I don't think the level of what he is doing to you is from porn. May be fed by it but is not from it and in any case there is no going back from the level of this I think.

I'd say what is going on with him is not necessarily that he is gay or a paedophile but he is certainly a sadist. Someone who gets sexual satisfaction from hurting and humiliating their partner. There may be underlying things like homosexuality or hate of women but all the things you mention about your sex life scream sadist at me and I think you need to get away.

That's how I felt reading this, OP.

How can your relationship be great and living outside the bedroom?? If my dh behaved even once to me during sex as your h does, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him. he sounds absolutely horrible, and not as though he cares about you at all.
No public hair??
You smell? He hates giving you oral sex, and shouts at you??
He looks bored and stabs his fingers inside you for foreplay?????
He laughs at you?
Aueggghhhh.

I'm not sure what you can do tbh. It sounds like he's past redemption. And it doesn't sound as though he cares how much he hurts you.

he has a completely warped idea about sex and genitals. Are you sure he's not gay??

And staring at the telly during ex....

OP, please for your own sanity stop living this way, it's abuse and power, it's nothing to do with love, if he loved you he wouldn't be treating you so inhumanly, it's actually really disturbing his views on women and sex.

He is clearly sexually dysfunctional.

look basically he's a cunt. unless he has some seriously damaged cognitive functioning he knows he's a cunt. it's not like he just doesn't realise that being a cunt hurts you or isn't fair - he just chooses to be a cunt. face that for a start.

and he happens to have chosen the area of sex and your body and your needs to exercise his cuntishness in. maybe because he senses it's your weak spot - you're an adult woman whose never had an orgasm, never had the gift of being with a lover who really loves your body and has been invested in helping you to learn how to let go and really enjoy yourself. hence your weak spot in his eyes. and bear in mind he's chosen you - he hasn't chosen a woman who has orgasms and who has had a fab healthy sex life in the past.

i think you need to wake up a bit OP. not being cruel honestly - just want you to wake up for your own sake.

abusive men pick their targets. men who like beating people for example will pick someone perhaps who has been beaten before and put up with it or who grew up with dv around them and normalised it or someone who has minimal support. some have tastes that cause them to pick women who've been sexually abused, women who are clinically obese and have zero confidence, whatever. this man has chosen someone who has never had an orgasm and hasn't had a healthy sexual relationship before and who is 'grateful' for stability and being kind to her child even in the face of sadistic cruelty in other areas.

Repressed homosexuality I mean...