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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I improve sex life with dh?

239 replies

lollyj2 · 07/02/2014 07:36

We've been together for three years, married for almost two and since almost the beginning, sex has been a bit of an issue.

I have always had quite a high sex drive and when we first got together we'd have sex quite often.

A few months in, however, it started to tail off, which left me feeling a little hurt. Things came to a head when we moved in together, we had sex regularly for the first couple of weeks, I didn't think anything of it, but one night, dh thew an almighty strop, got angry at me, said couldn't he go to bed just to sleep without being pressured into sex. I didn't realise I was pressuring him. So I backed off.

Sex has always been very one sided. I am not allowed to initiate anything, as he told me it puts him under pressure, so I wait for him. Usually, it's once a week/every ten days when he's in the mood. He never engages in any foreplay, the most he will do is jab his fingers in me for a few minuets (TMI, sorry) until it hurts me so much I just get on with it and have sex to get it over with. He also looks so bored when he's touching me, most of the time he is staring at the telly, so I stop him to stop myself getting upset. Most of the time, I will give him a bj, touch him, kiss him - in part to try and turn myself on so that sex isn't painful, but mainly because if I didn't, sex would just be me on top until he comes.

I have never had an orgasm (not just with him, but with anyone) but I am ashamed to say that I learned many years ago just to fake it so as not to dent a mans delicate little ego.

He never undresses me, I think he's only ever seen me naked a handful of times, which makes me feel like crap.

I have tried everything, dressing up, sex toys (which he laughed at me while using, said I looked ridiculous), not asking for sex, asking for sex (If I ask can we have sex tonight/tomorrow I either get 'oh yeah, of course" and then it doesn't happen, or I get told "if you behave" which makes me feel terrible).

I have tried talking to him so many times. But he either tells me to stop slagging him off (I don't I approach it in a nice way) or he's nasty and tells me that he just doesn't want sex a lot, he'd rather go on his computer.

Oral sex is another big issue. It's the only thing that feels nice to me. When we first got together, he said he liked doing it. Then after a couple of months he stopped, so I left it. A few months later, I asked why he didn't do that to me anymore and he got angry saying he hated it, hated the taste and smell. Again, I felt like shit. He does it sometimes, but again, the other day, same thing. Had him shouting at me saying he hates it, what man could ever like doing that to a woman etc. I've posted about that on here before, and I got told by many 'stop giving him oral sex then'. But if I don't, like I said, sex is just him literally putting his penis in me.

I think he has a really unrealistic view of sex due to the amount of porn he used to watch. He hasn't watched it since we were together, but he openly admitted it ruined his sex life with previous girlfriends, which is why he stopped. His views on sex are very much pornified, all to do with the mans gratification.

I really love him, and I am desperate for some sort of connection and closeness. I don't know what to do. If I try and talk to him, he gets angry and there is a huge argument.

This is my second marriage. I was married to someone else for 9 years and that was totally sexless. For different issues, but I basically didn't have sex for the entirety of my 20's and all I want is a normal sex life.
He thinks we have a wonderful sex life - well, he does. He only gets sex when he wants and when he does I am so pathetically grateful that it's all about him.

I thought he might be gay at one point (I asked him outright, he said he wasn't). He seems to hate my genital area. Hates pubic hair, I have to shave everything off, to the point where I get huge, painful cysts where I get ingrown hairs. It's horrible and painful. He seems to hate my body and I hate my body too now. I've lost all my confidence and I have become so embarrassed about sex. It's now got even more painful as I just tense up and because I have tried so hard to kill my sex drive over the past year so that I don't get frustrated, I find it hard to get turned on. So now it's mostly horrible.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking, but how do you talk to someone who just gets angry and defensive?

OP posts:
Offred · 07/02/2014 12:48

Who knows, if he's really a sadist it may be about building you up only to knock you down. Whatever is going on he's behaved in some absolutely unforgivable ways towards you.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 07/02/2014 12:49

He sends meaningless words to keep you in your place.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 07/02/2014 12:55

Well it seems like he wants to stay married and he can probably sense that you're pulling away.

And he knows that you love being told how much he loves you, so he gives you that when it costs him nothing.

An e-mail from work? Seriously?

That's not exactly love's young dream, is it?

sebsmummy1 · 07/02/2014 12:56

Or he is trying to say loving words because he cannot give you loving actions.

I think this is a dead duck. I could bare to be with someone who treated me with revulsion physically. Or else I would demand a hall pass for sex elsewhere and he could have a platonic relationship with me if that was his desire.

wordfactory · 07/02/2014 12:57

OP words are completely without value. Just too too easy to say the right thing in an email.

A man who finds breasts and vaginas repulsive?

To be honest, the best you can hope for is that he's gay!

AmIatwat · 07/02/2014 12:58

Does this guy have any friends?
I agree with previous posts that he is definitely a sadist.
I also feels he's using marriage as a front for something else.

Original poster
lollyj2 · 07/02/2014 13:07

OP words are completely without value. Just too too easy to say the right thing in an email.

Oh I know. I have learned this with him. He sometimes emails me with things like 'i am going to make you feel so special when I get home" or 'we are going to have such a lovely night". It's all bollocks, I don't believe any of that now. What happens is we have dinner, watch tv etc. Then the next day he'll moan about how boring it is and keep asking me what are we doing tonight, I wanted last night to be more fun.

OP posts:
MarjorieChardem · 07/02/2014 13:09

What a complete and utter fucking twat! So Angry on your behalf OP! You deserve so much better than this sadistic, cruel, appalling man.

I would not want him anywhere near my kids either.

You don't have to put up with this shit. Good on you for deciding not to, any longer.

Original poster
lollyj2 · 07/02/2014 13:10

Yes he has friends. He doesmt see a lot of them now though as to be frank, I couldn't stand them. Homophobic, sexist, racist bastards, all into strip clubs etc. They live in his home town, he's not had much to do with them in a while and I will never have people like that around my child.

All his other friends were female, but as he seemed to have shagged them all at least once, he felt he didn't want to continue being friends with them once he'd met me.

He has fridns at work. The thing is, everyone thinks he's the most charming, wonderful person on earth.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/02/2014 13:13

Yeah but they're not in a dysfunctional relationship with him.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2014 13:16

Please tell us you are ending this abusive relationship. You would be wasting your breath and precious time trying to get him to change.

Offred · 07/02/2014 13:16

Oh dear, red flag city indeed.

I do think you should give women's aid a ring and have a chat with them about support in your local area. Even if you're confident you can get out of this on your own support always helps.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 07/02/2014 13:20

Hmm,
going back to your OP,
I would honestly and openly talk to him about this thread.

For a while I thought you could show it to him but in your latter posts it seems like you feel it is over and there would be nothing constructive in him seeing them.

Marriage is a contract between two people. If he is this dismissive / cruel to you he has broken that contract and the marriage either needs rebuilding or terminating.

Your son will get over it.

Offred · 07/02/2014 13:22

Oh god I wouldn't mention this thread, too risky and quite important that people's sources of support are private sometimes I think.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 07/02/2014 13:24

Don't show him the thread, that's not going to achieve anything.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/02/2014 13:25

Listen , we hear this all the time don't we , on here and in Rl.

'But he is good with the kids , a good provider/whatever, he is lovely to me the rest of the time'

The above are how things should be and no combination of good traits cancel out the appalling cruel abusive way he is treating you.

Very rarely say this but LTB. I am so angry on your behalf.

Original poster
lollyj2 · 07/02/2014 13:26

I won't mention this thread. He won't find it either, I have my own laptop and I don't even think he knows the password to it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2014 13:27

I cannot tell you how horrified i was by your OP

I hope you are starting to see the wood for the trees now because this most certainly is not a "lovely man"

Original poster
lollyj2 · 07/02/2014 13:30

I do want to talk to him though, even if I decide to leave. He has to know what he has done to me, how he's made me feel.

My first marriage was crap, but I was still a confident woman. I never doubted the way I looked, how I felt about things, my opinions. The stuff I have done in my life, the places I have been, the risks I have taken - it all seems like a different person.

I used to travel the world alone with my young son, now I can't leave the house and if I do I walk with my head down because I feel so shit and ugly I don't want people to look at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollyj2 · 07/02/2014 13:31

The thing is, he berates me for not talking, for being crap at communicating. Exh is sometimes a bastard about things regarding ds. DH always says its my fault as I don't talk things though.

But when I want to talk about problems in our marriage he gets angry.

OP posts:
Mmmnotsure · 07/02/2014 13:43

and I will never have people like that around my child.

But lolly, you probably do, in your 'd'h.

AmIatwat · 07/02/2014 13:44

If you decide to leave?
Why are you even contemplating staying??
You don't have a marriage in the true sense of the word; you need to get out, if not for your sake then for your son. Do you want him to grow up to be like his step dad?

Offred · 07/02/2014 13:46

If you want to talk to him then do but please get some support from women's aid and don't expect that talking to him will give you any kind of closure or satisfaction in terms of his response.

If you talk to him it is likely it will follow the pattern it usually does with him twisting things back to you and you'll need to be quite strong psychologically in order to cope with that.

EirikurNoromaour · 07/02/2014 13:47

You've gone from saying you have a good relationship except from the sex to describing a fairly shit relationship. He berates you for being boring? He's a homophobe? He's selfish and thinks he's perfect? That's not what a great relationship look like.

herbaceous · 07/02/2014 13:52

I realise that the essential message for the OP is that he's an abusive twat, and the gay question is almost a side issue, but I just wanted to add my experience.

In my thirties, I had a long-term boyfriend. We were best friends, and really did have a great time outside the bedroom (unlike the OP's DH), but sex was always pretty grim. Hardly ever, and he seemed to find my body repulsive. He'd never say so, as he wasn't a bastard, but it was obvious. No oral sex, no proper kissing, get it over ASAP.

He also had other traits in common with the OP's DH - made homophobic comments, had a history of lots of casual sex (with women), and made excuses for his inability with intimacy - in this case his mother dying when he was a teenager. He may well have believed it, or at least wanted to.

I knew things weren't right, but assumed it was because I was ugly and boring.

Then I found a stash of gay porn mags. The game was up. I didn't speak to him for about a year, but now we're really good friends. And he lives in Greenwich Village, New York, with his boyfriend.