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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We All Make Mistakes

406 replies

MyMistake · 03/02/2014 18:34

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

OP posts:
IsTheGrassGreener · 04/02/2014 00:05

mamma and I would never compare my situation, or the OP's, to yours. But I do think that denying an OW the right to openly post in her own thread isn't the answer to a different MM's betrayed wife's problems.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:05

You can talk about it all you like, this being an open forum, but don't expect it go uncommented-upon.

All these "good men" and "good women" simply making "mistakes"

It's like Jackanory in here.

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 00:06

If it was that simple, affairs wouldn't happen. But they do, all the time, all over the country, every day.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:06

Despite everything that made me smile AnyFucker.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 00:07

I think the OP was inviting comment. She started a thread to discuss it, and has been polite to all posters commenting. She hasn't tried to shut anybody up.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:09

And me, MyM Smile

Despite my cross words, I don't bear you ill will

I think I was very supportive of you back when you were on the receiving end of infidelity, so perhaps feeling a bit disappointed that someone supported so much by MN would appear to be so insensitive.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 00:09

Jackanory...yep.

People who are involved in such deceitful situations they begin to lie to themselves....

IsTheGrassGreener · 04/02/2014 00:09

So then a married man who has been a faithful and loving husband for, say, 15 years and then has a brief affair overnight turns into a monster not worthy of even the out-of-date food in a bin at the back of Iceland?? Same for the OW. She has always been a faithful partner, too. She has been honest and ended relationships when her heart wasn't in it any longer. Now she falls in love with a married man. Therefore she should rot in hell?

I mean, seriously. Life isn't as black or white as many are painting it on here.

By the way I have no issue at all with different opinions. That's the whole point of public debate, isn't it?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:09

oh shut up yourself, MZ Smile

mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 00:12

Cheaters are shits. Yes. End of.
Knowing ow/om should work on their self control and self esteem. End of.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:15

I don't have any issue with different opinions either. Freaking heck I never thought that I of all people would get into this situation. I have naively somehow been swept off my feet into a heady situation and gone a bit mad.

AF how could you know me? This is not my usual name. Struggled to find an appropriate free name actually and clearly messed up on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:17

The 15 year thing is my scenario grassisgreener - exactly

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:19

I don't "know" you, I just remembered your situation. I am a regular on the Relationships board and have a (unfortunately for me, sometimes) good feel for posting styles and scenarios.

ExcuseTypos · 04/02/2014 00:19

Gosh you're sounding more like Barbra Cartland in every post.

Night all.

familyscapegoat · 04/02/2014 00:19

I can well understand people who have recently experienced the pain of an affair feeling threatened by this thread, but there is always the choice to hide it if its content is upsetting.

Personally I don't think posts that attack either the behaviour of the people involved or the views of posters who actually agree with the OP that she bears some responsibility for the situation she finds herself in, terribly helpful.

I find your posts refreshing in their honesty OP because you aren't trading in on the usual excuses. You accept your actions were wrong, you take responsibility for your part in it, you describe eloquently how an affair can start despite a person's marriage being in good shape, you don't demonise the man involved for not choosing you and you have no illusions that this was anything more than a connection that took on more importance because it was illicit and forbidden.

I can imagine that posts like yours are frightening for those who have very fixed views about how affairs happen and beliefs that only 'bad people' get involved in them, but from my perspective as a formerly betrayed wife, I'd prefer it if people got real about these issues instead of pretending they happen to pantomime villains that any fool could spot and avoid.

I would have thought it's much more useful that posters politely challenge views they disagree with (as I hope I have with IsTheGrass) because then there is some learning about these painful and difficult issues.

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 00:22

Shall I trot out my weary old family story... Ok, for those who aren't bored shitless by my life already, my mother has slept with two men in her life. My dad, who she married young and had us three with, and my stepfather, who she has been married to for thirty years.

She left my dad to be with my stepfather. My dad has been with his wife for a similar period. I haven't asked him how many women he's slept with, yikes. But I suspect it is two.

All the people in my family are kind, loving, amazing people. My mum fell in love with somebody else, and it caused devastation at the time. But I won't ever accept that only shitty people have affairs. Life is messy, shit happens. To normal, decent people.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:29

I must be on your spreadsheet AF. I do remember you were around at the time although I did not have my own individual thread as such.

Picking up on your point FamilyScapeGoat I have to say that one thing I could never ever understand with MM is that he claimed to and obviously does have a good marriage. I could never understand why he connected with me given a happy marriage - equally that never sat well with me at all although clearly I was too weak to stop the affair. I am lucky that it stopped relatively quickly before we got too deep into it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:30

well that's a lovely story with a really happy ending, MZ. Jackanory has nothing on that one.

But it's not relevant here

there are two women who have been forgotten here

two women who have no knowledge that their marriages have been downgraded by the actions of their cheating husbands and the women who colluded with it

now that, my friends, is somewhat of a horror story, for them

ChippingInWadesIn · 04/02/2014 00:33

What a lot of self indulgent navel gazing, with a bit of mutual back slapping going on.

How lovely you have found a kindrid soul Hmm

You didn't do something 'silly' - stop minimising it.

Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful Oh please...

I don't know who you were when you posted about your ExH's affair - my recollection of these things isn't as good as AF's, but seemingly she is 'vouching' for your authenticity, which is 'good enough' for me. If it hadn't been for that I would have assumed you were either after a bun fight or some writing material.

I suggest you stop wittering on about your feelings in all of this and spend the energy on working out how not to 'do something silly' Hmm next time. Perhaphs start by reading your own threads from a while ago.

Common decency should dictate that this is not a suitable forum to be twattering on about how you want to remember an affair fondly FFS.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:33

You will think I am mad here AF and I'm struggling to word it well but ... I think that MM's wife has got a lovely DH who has learned a harsh lesson and after the blip with me will be faithful to the end.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 00:35

What should we be saying about these forgotten women, exactly? We know nothing about them, they aren't posting here. But OP is, about her situation. That's how threads work surely.

ChippingInWadesIn · 04/02/2014 00:37

x-post - I see you didn't have 'A Thread' so read your old posts then when you posted on other people's threads, which were presumably about how it has HURT them not rejoicing their partners having affairs.

ChippingInWadesIn · 04/02/2014 00:39

Oh FFS - so now you have done her a favour?

Just who do you think you are??

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:39

Not true actually Chipping but not prepared to out myself I'm afraid.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:39

MyM, you really think that ?

That's a high opinion you have of him, but mainly of yourself. ^you had the power to cure him of his wandering eye ? That is quite the silliest thing you have said on this thread, and there have been several examples already

Don't you get it ?

you won't have been the first and you certainly won't be the last. It's quite sobering how otherwise intelligent women will fall for the bullshit

You will think me very harsh and will hate me for this, but I would have thought you should know better

You remind me a little bit of someone who has found religion. You sound almost beatific. Or medicated. I am not sure which. < puts tin hat on >

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