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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We All Make Mistakes

406 replies

MyMistake · 03/02/2014 18:34

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:40

No I haven't done her a favour obviously. But I do believe that her DH will never cheat.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:42

I don't think I have cured in him in the sense that I am special in any way at all.

Just that he is not a serial philanderer and that through this he has learned a hard lesson that he will not forget.

Dons own hard hat.

OP posts:
ChippingInWadesIn · 04/02/2014 00:43

'Out yourself' - who asked you to out yourself?

I actually do not want to know who you were, because if I posted on one of your threads I would feel pretty pissed off tbh. AF is clearly much nicer than me.

Yes AF - religion or medicated sounds about right.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:43

it was MZ's wrath I was expecting to fall on my head Smile

familyscapegoat · 04/02/2014 00:44

I'm not surprised you had difficulty understanding how he could have a happy marriage MyMistake. That's because it's counter-intuitive to the romantic beliefs many people have that it's impossible to build connections with others if someone is fulfilled in their relationship. What my husband especially learned was that having a good relationship didn't prevent him from being vulnerable to an ego boost when his ego had been dented severely by some massive disappointments at work.

I don't think that couples and OW/OM pay enough attention to individuals' lives 'in the round'. Instead of asking what's wrong in a marriage for someone to be harming it, it's often a better question of a married person to ask 'What's been happening in your life recently? If this fills an ego need, is that an ego need as a sexual partner and attractive person, or is it an ego need from some other area of your life that isn't what you want it to be?'

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 00:45

If OP is just one in a line of many women this guy is thought to have cheated with, and she herself could have been anybody, then why blame her for his wife's suffering? He'd have cheated anyway. She's important or she isn't, which is it.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:45

To be clear, MyM, I would never out you. I don't remember any previous posting names, it is situations I have a feel for. My memory is otherwise on par with a knackered, over tired 40-something mother of teenagers.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:47

He's not the serial philanderer type MZ - not at all

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 00:47

Running out of wrath. Off to recharge, night all :)

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 00:47

Waaay past my bedtime too.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:48

Yeah I just meant that I could out myself easily be referring back to a particular time on MN that you would remember but I won't.

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Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 00:50

Same here - it has helped me so thanks to all that have posted sympathetic or not and apologies to any that have been offended.

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MistressDeeCee · 04/02/2014 00:54

Affairs arent a Mills & Boon story. People arent pulled into them by some unseen force that cant be resisted. There is such a thing as choice. Most MW or MM who do it are just selfish, they want the comfort zone & security of their marriage and home life, whilst they play away. Ive never had an affair and never will. Not because Im especially saintlike but because, no way am I letting some bloke shag me as his sidepiece, and then he goes home to live a family life with & make love to his wife; its a big 'no bloody thanks' for me. Im a loyal person, so disloyal people in general dont attract me. I simply cant think what is so very special about wanting to be a man's sordid little secret. A woman DOESNT have to have every man she wants in this life. Nor will she die for the lack of said man. Whats wrong with a little willpower? Also, this world is full of single men theyre not extinct. If women learned to just say 'No' in this life more often, we'd all be far better off in it. This relationships board is full of women who have been cheated on by their DHs Im more inclined to be sympathetic towards them, really. I cba to justify crap. For the OW maybe theyre weaker willed when it comes to men so they dont say no. Thats their call. But I cant see why they should get a pat on the back for it, or even why if you dont say "oh poor you", you're seen as hard.

ExcuseTypos · 04/02/2014 08:27

Agree with you MistressDeeCee- but will just add that men have to say no more often, as well as women. I too would never feel attracted to a man who you know is married, it's THE most unattractive thought that he would be going home to a family and lying to them, after he's seen me. How can you be attracted to a liar? Yuk yuk yuk.

Getting involved in an affair isn't like being unable to resist a bit of chocolate cake. You have days and hours to think about the wrongness of it all. Tens if not hundreds of decisions where "this is wrong, stop it now" would pop up. To not act on that is unfathomable to me.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 08:30

Mistressdeecee...that is exactly it. You nailed it. I'm taking a screen shot of your post and keeping it on my phone.

'Will power'...'loyalty'...yes, yes, yes. Character traits you either have and respect in others or you don't.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 08:32

Yes, excuse typos, exactly. Amen.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 09:21

"Getting involved in an affair isn't like being unable to resist a bit of chocolate cake. You have days and hours to think about the wrongness of it all. Tens if not hundreds of decisions where "this is wrong, stop it now" would pop up. To not act on that is unfathomable to me"

True of course. Unfathomable to me to some extent as well. I think that as this was discussed on many occasions with MM, in the end, for some reason, which I need to try to understand, I just decided that our connection was strong enough to somehow overcome the concern. I was flattered and enjoying the attention I think. I know of course that it was wrong and can relate to the fact that that's what happened to my XH also.

Not an excuse but the fact that I didn't know he was married when I met him and that he has no DC's and lives in a different area had an impact too I think. Again, not an excuse but I guess this all sheltered me from the 'grim reality' to some extent.

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ExcuseTypos · 04/02/2014 09:29

No they arent excuses, they are the reasons why you carried on.

And that is why people have little patience for the OW and her "reasons", they are all very self centered and so predictable. We've heard it all before.

You are not young and naive- you shouldn't have got involved. It is that simple.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 09:35

All true.

Lots of lessons learned. Lessons that I thought I knew anyway but obviously didn't.

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mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 09:36

You knew them. You ignored them.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 09:41

I did to some extent. Different now though as I have done what I have done and experience all this 'first hand'. But then I guess I knew a lot already from XH. Not an excuse at all but I think the isolation and secrecy of an affair influences behaviour significantly as well. As it's not discussed except between you and the MM, real life can seem too far away.

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rainbowsmiles · 04/02/2014 10:26

You decided to have an affair with a married man. That was a bad decision. We are our actions and your actions indicate you are not a good person. You can't cope with the fact you are not a good person so indulge in the mental gymnastics of the fantasy - strong connection blah blah blah. Most of us have been in your position where an affair is possible but make good decisions so we see through your connection bullshit.

You did something wrong and you do not sound sorry. You sound regretful it didn't develop further. I know we're all told we can't judge. Well I can judge you based upon your actions and you are not a stand up guy. You have no respect for other women and you put yourself first in life. I think the man has extra responsibility to his wife but I happen to believe that we all have a responsibility to each other. You've injected misery into that families life just as much as he has. Feel regretful about that.

BuzzardBird · 04/02/2014 10:37

So, some good came out of this?

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 10:46

What's your view BB? Obviously it's not a good situation.

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Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 10:53

I am sorry Rainbow actually.

It ended very recently so naturally I still have some feelings for him. They will go soon hopefully.

I do know I did wrong of course. Clearly I am either a bad person or someone who made a bad choice at least. I do not wish to trivialise my actions. Equally I am keen to continue to process what happened and take on board both positive and negative learnings.

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