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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We All Make Mistakes

406 replies

MyMistake · 03/02/2014 18:34

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 21:55

When I'm reading these threads I always imagine if the wife was to be reading the ow comments. These threads are always full of self indulgent, self absorbed comments. Urggggh.

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 21:58

I think that's fair Mamma.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 21:59

Do you think you will ever see him again grassisgreener?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/02/2014 22:01

He's not really a nice guy is he. A married man who cheats isn't really a nice guy. You realise it was a mistake and now want to move on. That's a good thing. Hope you meet a nice unattached man.

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:03

Thanks Vivienne so do I.

Having had a fair amount of trauma with DC since XH left on a positive front it's good to know that I've still got it.

It's just a question of what to do with it now really.

OP posts:
FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 22:06

OP, I know you say you have to see him as your paths will cross but does this mean you have to see him or communicate with him on a one on one basis?

You need to 'transition' this to a very formal, very businesslike and completely unemotive relationship immediately. Rehashing your grand passion won't help anybody.

IsTheGrassGreener · 03/02/2014 22:08

Could you point out the self indulgence please? I am not looking for approval or verification. I am just here to tell the OP that she isn't the only one who is experiencing this situation.

Second-guessing the wife's reaction to an affair/the OW is I believe pointless. It would merely be a continuation of the stereotyping. Every relationship is different. The OP herself proves the point - she has been the betrayed wife in the past.

During the affair (and for a while after it had ended) I was often thinking about how his wife would react to the news if she found out. I've played out many scenarios in my head. In the end I stopped because a) it made no difference to what had happened and b) none of my scenarios would make justice to what this woman will feel, if she ever finds out.

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:10

I will see him a lot unless I change my life which is not a good idea. It's hard to explain that further without outing myself.

So we need to be able to co-exist easily. I understand what you mean and I need to get to businesslike. You are right. I'm having some problems taking that on board though as it is extremely early days.

Were he miles away like grassisgreener's MM things would be different.

OP posts:
IsTheGrassGreener · 03/02/2014 22:11

MyMistake it is possible we will meet again professionally. In general we will be able to avoid each other but there is a chance we may run into each other at an event or seminar.

I am not quite at the point yet where I could make innocent small talk and put on a happy face. It will take time.

mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 22:12

My mistake: sorry I meant peace, not leave...phone corrected it.

Self indulgence...plenty of it. Referring to your affair as 'a mistake' is self indulgent.

If course you think considering the wives opinions etc is pointless...of course you bloody do...convenient that isn't it?? Everybody's relationship is different, very true...doesn't mean you can shit all over another human beings marriage and get away with not considering their feelings though.

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:14

This is my issue grassisgreener - I need to get to that point

But then as the other poster says I probably need to get to businesslike and unemotive. In my head I was imagining getting to friendly hellos and light chat which is probably a mistake. My mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:18

I did think about her feelings. I have been a wronged wife and have lived those feelings believe me. I said I had come to terms with XH's affair but it didn't happen overnight at all.

But thinking about it didn't stop me and the reassurance of MM had a lot to do with that to be honest. I realise now that his compartmentalisation was so big that he was in quite a dream world I think.

OP posts:
IsTheGrassGreener · 03/02/2014 22:19

I don't think calling it a mistake is self indulgent.

It would be self indulgent to maintain occasional contact - telephone, email -, to satisfy our longing for this connection. MM and I were both very clear that we don't want that. We can't undo our actions but we can do our best to move on from here.

I never said I haven't considered her feelings. I have actually thought about her a lot which is why my emotional health went downhill pretty quickly. What I meant is that it is pointless to try and put myself in her position because I am not her. I can try and analyse her position from the outside but that will only ever be an appoximation.

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:21

All very true GG.

I know that after the last conversation that MM and I are supposed to be having that has to be it. And I find that a horrible thought.

OP posts:
IsTheGrassGreener · 03/02/2014 22:21

MyMistake I don't think the friendly hellos and light chat will work to be honest. My own experience is that an affair is a binary thing - either on or off. The slope is very slippery indeed. I feel it is better to stay at the 'zero' end of the scale.

IsTheGrassGreener · 03/02/2014 22:23

MyMistake can you chicken out of this 'last' conversation you are meant to be having? Talking to him will make it so much harder. Can you send an email (polite and understanding, but firm) and then block him on your account?

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:24

I'm sure you're right GG. It's very fresh though so the thought of nothing at all is horrible. I need to process that some more.

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Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:25

I could chicken out GG. It's me that wanted it. I actually think it will make it easier. Maybe I'm wrong.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 22:25

I'm finding this thread very self indulgent. Two ow chatting about how they can possibly go no contact whilst having to see their mm...per lease....

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:27

We do need something I think as we haven't effectively closed it down meaning that day to day it's messy at the moment. I need to think more on that one.

OP posts:
IsTheGrassGreener · 03/02/2014 22:27

MyMistake I was where you are now two months ago. Not talking to him was horrible. The feeling of never hearing his voice again. I am still not over it. We ended it by email, in a very calm, kind and understanding way. Which made me cry of course.

On the other hand we wouldn't have been able to have a sensible conversation over the phone anyway. Too emotional. Not helpful. Neither of us could have handled it I think.

Original poster
MyMistake · 03/02/2014 22:30

I do think we could have a sensible face to face conversation actually. I sense that your affair was perhaps longer and 'more' than mine. I think that mine has stopped (hopefully) at a point where we can transition ok. Maybe I'm wrong though.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 22:37

I can't see any reason to have a last talk. What good would it do? Please don't say you want closure or any such nonsence. It's over! It should never be mentioned again to him or anyone else. It should be a shameful secret for evermore. I bet he would only tell you a load of old bollox if you did speak to him. Confused Time to go cold turkey!
If you have to talk about it then do so to a councillor or on an anonymous online forum.

Learn from this and move on.

You seem to be romanticising the whole thing.

BuzzardBird · 03/02/2014 22:37

What have you learned from this experience?