We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

familyscapegoat You are right. I am acutely aware of that. As is MM.

We have discussed this question, along with the question if it could happen to him again.

As I said we have gone NC and stuck to it, so I have no idea what is emotional state is at the moment.

MyMistake it is interesting that you have been the 'betrayed wife' in the past. It seems like you have come to peace with it, which is great. My best friend has been cheated on by her long-term partner and was devastated at the time. I was so afraid of telling her (about my affair) but she has been extremely supportive and understanding.

Yes we are trying to make sense of it indeed

In my case grassisgreener...

We were strongly attracted and began chatting because a local community thing we had to sort out together
We formed a strong intellectual, physical and emotional bond
We entered an insanity bubble and somehow found a 'space' where the affair grew and flourished

I guess I was flattered, attracted and lost my mind to some extent. The attraction took over whilst the logical side of me knew it was wrong. Throughout it I frequently became uncomfortable and there was a lot of talking about the wrongness of it. But it continued. In my case I think he was in a very large insanity bubble and somehow it just didn't click with him how wrong it was. He was always very comfortable with it until he had a strong moment of realisation.

I think I am only at peace with XH because my DC's life was at risk at the time and I just in the end rapidly formed a view that XH was not worth bothering about when there was a life at stake ... the life was far more important. Also, I realised in the end just how miserable I had been with XH - life is so much better now (except for this trauma of course).

A note of caution Grass, there is no way of knowing if someone genuinely loves you. Not really.

Affairs are odd things. A little unreal, often intense and very far from the day to day realities of an equal relationship with shared responsibilities and burdens.

I think it's horrible for any wife to contemplate their partner having the capacity to 'fall in love' with another person when they should be directing that love and effort at the existing relationship.

Whether those emotions are genuinely love, I don't think anyone can say until both parties are emotionally available. You, as a single woman, are probably sure of your own feelings. He is in a different situation and has a very different set of feelings and realities to deal with.

Which is how a lot of affairs develop, despite the myths.

I agree we all make mistakes.

I admit its really, really hard for me to have sympathy for the OW - who essentially, has let herself be picked up by a MM who already has a wife so can only offer her limited time and affection - & she still lets him pick her up. I dont believe you HAVE to have someone you love/desire in this life, leave them alone if theyre married. If its over as you say, then in time you'll move on and get over it. Hopefully meet someone who is free and proud to be with you, no hiding involved. Be glad you're not his wife, I guess...

That is all very true Tinsel

MyMistake what you write resonates with me. This is exactly how it felt at the time. There was an insanity bubble. We talked about the wrongness yet carried on until we couldn't bear it any longer. I am still trying to understand how it all came about.

So sorry to hear about your DC. I hope it all ended well for you and your child.

TinselTownley I agree. I can only interpret what I see and hear from him. I am fairly sure that our feelings are mutual though. I agree that MM and I have no idea if we would make a good couple, whether we would 'gel' in the hectic daily grind of living together, and actually would want to commit to each other if were both available. (Thus the illusion I was talking about.) What has been hard is to forego the opportunity to find out if we could indeed be happy together.

In my case there were no declarations of love.

To the contrary actually. We had a very strong connection. Whilst we very much acknowledged that I think we both recognised that the situation was fuelling the connection somehow I don't mean that we took it lightly and thought that an affair was 'fun'. That wasn't it at all. But I remember wondering one day whether we would have got together had the situation been different. And I wasn't sure.

The truth is you can only ever speak about your own feelings.

As has been said, affairs tend to have an unreal quality to them and what a married person says he feels isn't necessarily the truth, then or now. Infatuation is commonly confused with being 'in love' for example.

My DC is now ok thank goodness. Had the DC not been ok then no doubt I would not have forgiven OW.

You're shocked that we keep referring to 'shagging a married man' and that surely it's worse that they were in love with another woman??

That hasn't escaped my attention. I think I can look past that more easily as in my experience the love was a fantasty love based on the illicit thrill of the chase etc. it's not true love...or it would quickly stop being an affair and the mm would start a real relationship wouldn't he? Of course sometimes this happens but I think it's actually in the minority of cases isn't it?

yes, we are trying to make sense of it... We formed a strong intellectual, physical and emotional bond ... These type of comments sound very childish and self absorbed. It sounds like you are trying to justify what was pretty shabby behaviour on both your parts.

It all sounds a bit like something out of a Cosmapolitan magazine.

Comments of yours such as I lost my mind and bubble of insanity make it seem like you don't want to be responsible for what you have done.

True familyscapegoat - I think we both saw it as infatuation and wouldn't have wanted to label it as love at all. Had the physical side developed further then I guess things could have changed. Good that they didn't.

Of course I am responsible. Who else could be? Those words were my attempts to describe how I experienced it to aid understanding.

MyMistake very interesting. We had this discussion too. MM found the whole "what if" scenario quite painful.

Affairs are very unreal. Yet I guess most relationships are at the very beginning. I certainly didn't enjoy being in the 'bubble', it didn't make me feel 'safe' for example. It only showed to me every day that I couldn't have what I really wanted. My emotional health was deteriorating quite rapidly which is one of the reasons why it had to end.

(And no, I am not looking for sympathy. This thread is about helping the OP make sense of her situation. I am hoping that hearing from others in similar situations has been helpful for her.)

Are you still discussing the affair with him? Or have you cut all contact.

Yes this is really helpful.

I can relate to the emotional health comment.

I actually did feel at peace for much of the affair. Really because MM was so at peace and reassuring (until the end of course). But I was always very distracted by the secrecy of it all which was unpleasant at times and very difficult to deal with. And certain aspects of my life went downhill as a result. It's a real positive that those aspects are getting back on track now thank goodness.

I felt very safe in my relationship straight away and I loved that initial phase.

So I don't think it's a reasonable comparison to say affairs are like all new relationships at their beginning.

Footie are you referring to me? We have cut all contact. No communication since the day we ended it, almost two months ago.

(NC is made easier by the fact that we live quite a distance apart.)

My affair has ended very recently.

I am in a position where our paths will cross often.

As a result there is some limited contact and we are trying to figure out how to transition to a different place. It is certainly over though.

We both need to get to a place where we can coexist easily. I think this can happen. It's just how to get there really. Especially when I am all over the place at the moment. I don't really know where he is emotionally as he is detaching necessarily.

My mistake...your married man was at leave while he was having an emotional affair?

He was an arsehole who didnt think he'd get caught...

I feel challenged by the close proximity of MM. Makes it messy and is making me obsess. I need to get over that.

Sorry, what do you mean by at leave?