We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

"He has been open and honest, no promises" - the same

If you are a genuine namechanger who normally posts here, please report your OP to MNHQ - tell them your regular posting name so they can verify this (your genuine posting history - not your name obviously) if you aren't prepared to do this, I can only assume you are really just looking to cause trouble.

mamma where have I made excuses for my behaviour? Affairs are bad. I am not disputing it. But people make mistakes. The world isn't black and white. Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons. That doesn't make them okay.

I am not looking to cause any trouble at all. But to learn from this and to hear others' experiences.

MyMistake I probably wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't been in the situation.

I agree that the world isn't black and white. It would be far less confusing if it were.

I have been the wife that was cheated on so I have been on the other side. I know of a few others also have had affairs after being cheated on themselves and I think it's good to try to understand how relationships work. The 'few others' are not close friends by the way but friends of friends.

He never said a bad word about his wife.

Why would he? He wants to be with her. If he didn't he would have left.

He has been open and honest, no promises

Hahaha, how can you be so dim

I don't find the OP's posts offensive at all. I'm very interested in them in fact.

Especially as I'm married to someone who had an affair years ago and I'm in a happy marriage now just as I was then, before his affair.

But I suppose any pain I used to feel has long gone and I can be a bit more objective now, perhaps?

thanks grassgreener

the world is indeed a strange place

it now having just ended I must say that despite feeling upset I do feel more at peace though in the sense that despite the attraction somewhere I always felt it was wrong and it never sat 'easy' - do you feel the same?

Oh, OP, I understand better now.

It was more of an attraction/emotional connection thing than a full blown affair? I think you're being quite harsh on yourself. You might have got caught up with it and taken things a little further against your better judgement but you can't beat yourself up for finding him attractive or for having a rapport.

I think your candour is admirable. As is your walking away now.

Hahaha, how can you be so dim grin

Don't you think you are stereotyping a bit?

The world really isn't black and white.

Ok...let me put it like this. Yes, we all make mistakes. I hang my washing out on a day when rain is forecast. I snap at my dd when I'm tired, then hug get tight and apologise for being short.

Getting involved with a mm...nope...not classed a mistake in my book. You don't accidentally fall into bed with somebody. It takes a lot of build up and opportunities to stop. Weak willed I'd call it to get involved knowingly with a mm.

There is living your life decently and there is being a 'snide' as my dad would call it.

If I make a mistake and steal your life savings, ruining your life and future in one action, would you understand it if I put it down to bring a 'mistake'.

Sort your morals out....seriously. You think your mm who was cheating on his wife was decent?! You have very low standards.

The 'open and honest' statement was presumably in relation to the man who wasn't claiming he was unhappily married to a woman he'd ever leave, no?

Or is it assumed by some that everyone who has an affair says their marriages are dreadful and makes false promises to leave them?

But the world is black and white. If I walk up to a stranger tomorrow and punch them in the face- I'm in the wrong. Simple. You shagging somebody else's partner is wrong. Simple.

Funny that people who say it isn't black and white are usually those seeking to make excuses for themselves

MyMistake yes I do. We met under the wrong circumstances. It wasn't meant to be. The deception weighed both of us down substantially, thus the sense of relief now that it's over.

(Which of course doesn't make the heartache any better. If anything it makes it worse, in the sense that if we had met earlier in our lives we could be together now and happy. Which is of course an illusion.)

We never fully DTD although there was always an expectation on both sides that we would - we had a very strong connection.

He has effectively walked away as actually we had a crunch moment where he realised that DTD would have taken us too far - a kind of moment of no return

I am very upset at the split - frankly I am very attracted to him and vice versa - I would have struggled to walk away. But I know the split is right. We were very attracted. He is happily married. Going any further would have created great upset for all.

I wouldn't put having an affair at the same level as punching a stranger in the face. I am not the one who hurt his wife - he is. In fact I have tried to shoulder his guilt for him. I can't.

I have to try and make sense of my own behaviour, and learn from it, just like the OP.

I can relate to all of that grassisgreener or most.

Although we were certainly never at the point remotely where we thought we would be life partners. As something like that was never on the cards.

I do know that he will never do anything like this again.

You shagged a married man and expect me to give you a hug and agree with your "we a'll make mistakes" excuse?

Well if/when it happens to you, I hope the OW turns around and says the same to you and maybe she should throw in "I'll look back on this fondly"

Ridic.

MyMistake walking away was the right thing to do.

Though MM and I 'did the deed' the deception started much earlier. The initial spark was not sexual at all. We 'clicked', we connected on so many levels. Intellectually, culturally, emotionally. We both developed feelings fairly quickly (and we of course constantly questioned our feelings because they are 'wrong'). MM is not happily married, but not willing to walk away unless it is permanently hopeless. I have told him that the worst thing he can do is leaving his wife for another woman. He has got to sort out his marriage between him and his wife only.

Maybe I am trying to make excuses for myself.

But then frankly I also make excuses for XH. He was wrong, but I understand why he did it. As I said upthread he has done some things that have upset me but actually I am at peace with the fact that he is now with someone he is happy with (OW).

OP and I are not making excuses (well at least I'm not). We don't want to be hugged. We are trying to make sense of it all.

I didn't actually DTD with him.

It did happen to me. XH lives with OW. I'm ok with that.

Your MM said he isn't happily married IsTheGrass. You don't know that, of course.

Also for me this wasn't about the sex. I am stunned that people keep going on about 'shagging someone else's wife'. Isn't the fact that the husband fell in love with another woman far worse than the sex? Sex is over very quickly. Feelings stay.