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Original poster

We All Make Mistakes

406 replies

MyMistake · 03/02/2014 18:34

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 04/02/2014 10:57

I was trying to remain neutral as it was obvious to me that you needed to talk just as much as the injured parties need to talk.

My view is that no-one is perfect and we all make mistakes in one way or another, be it in a small way where maybe you weren't very kind to someone or in a major way where you caused someone a lot of physical or emotional pain. I believe you have learned from this to not give in to what seems likes an uncontrollable urge because you feel you can't help it. As humans we are in a position where we can say "no" to anything, we do not

need to be ruled by our hearts (or other body parts), we know the difference between right and wrong.

I know what it is to have a connection with someone and think about them every day but my brain tells me it is wrong to pursue it, so I don't. This may be painful but it is also the right thing to do.

I also wish I was an 8 stone ballet dancer, but I am not and no amount of wanting it is going to make it happen. This is about being a grown up and learning. Every day you can learn and better yourself, even when you are as old as I am.

I wish you luck and happiness, everyone deserves that.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 11:00

Thanks BB

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 11:00

Yes- your feelings will go and you can..,how is it you put it...'look back fondly'. Excuse me whilst I vomit.

NaggingNellie · 04/02/2014 11:06

you don't appear to have a lot of remorse.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 11:12

I do have remorse.

Rightly or wrongly I do tend to try to look at everything positively in life wherever I can. That's doesn't mean there aren't huge negatives here, just that having had quite a lot of trauma in my life maybe I tend to look for peaceful outcomes even to difficult situations.

Perhaps that it is totally wrong of me but I have never been a get angry person even with XH and his wrong doings.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 11:21

Nope, not good enough. The mob want to see blood. Reasonable outcomes where you've learned and moved on are not going to satisfy them.

Nothing will satisfy them. If you say you're utterly devastated and can't forgive yourself they'll say yeah boo hoo, should have thought of that earlier. If you say ok, it shouldn't have happened but it did, and now I want to learn from it, that's not desperate enough.

Do you have a time machine handy?

BuzzardBird · 04/02/2014 11:21

I do get a sense though MM of life just 'happening' to you and you not having a feeling of being in control?

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 11:34

A time machine would be handy.

At the moment things do seem a bit out of control that's for sure. Unusual for me to be honest. Control is being restored and is what I am usually known for.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 04/02/2014 11:35

Mmmm, sounds like you are in a rut? Time to start something new I think?

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 11:39

Hard to explain without outing myself but it's fair to say that in parallel with this happening to some extent I have entered a new stage in my life. Divorce over, new set up, etc. What I clearly haven't worked out yet is how to live that life effectively. And of course getting stupidly entangled in this hasn't helped.

Need the time machine and new ventures.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2014 11:53

I was thinking okay, you made an error of judgment, you will know better if the same situation presents itself again, until I read,
... it's good to know that I've still got it

Well that's all right then. Plus the pat on the back you can give yourself for not going as far as DTD.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 12:14

Clearly not a pat on the back but good that it didn't go that far.

OP posts:
stickysausages · 04/02/2014 12:22

It's over because he's a nice guy?

Sorry love, more likely he's shagging someone new...

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 12:47

It's over because commonsense prevailed in the end.

Unlikely he would be shagging someone else IMO.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 04/02/2014 13:25

Of course he wouldn't. He was only having an affair with you because you were so special and he was so special and we can't understand because yours is such a special connection - a special story.

Although of course it's not special. It's ordinary and ugly.

It sounds to me as though you easily disconnect from the reality of a situation in order to avoid pain of real raw emotion. Let's hope his wife and children have similar psychological protection.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 13:36

I don't for any moment think I was special. But I don't see him fitting the serial philanderer profile.

He has no children.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 04/02/2014 13:57

And do you fit the other woman profile? There are some things we can say for certain. He is willing to deceive his wife, the women he loves, his partner in life. He lies to her and we can therefore say he is a liar. Fairly comfortable with a lie. And so he is untrustworthy. He is content to lie and break trust with the closest person to him and throw away the shared memories. So could we then say he is careless with other peoples emotions. Yeah, I'd say he fits the profile of a cheat.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 14:16

Given that he embarked on affair he must fit the profile of someone that can cheat.

I don't think he fits a serial philanderer profile though.

I guess as I had become an OW at this point I must fit the profile. Or have fitted it in some way.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 04/02/2014 14:27

Yeah he'll cheat again. So would you if opp presented itself. If I were a betting woman I'd bet it's not over with you and your star crossed cheat. Good luck to you and a life filled with lies. Sorry I've been so harsh I have seen the fall out from this crap and its so fuckin awful I have no time for the nonsense stories the cheaters tell themselves to justify their shitty behaviour.

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 14:31

OP hasn't cheated, she is single. And nothing in her posts suggest she'll get involved with a MM again.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 14:38

I have seen the fall out before myself in my own marriage and in others.

What I need to work through further is why I still succumbed in this instance despite experience of affairs from the other side. I am getting to a point where I am closer to understanding this.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 04/02/2014 14:49

Well thats your take mz not mine. I think the ow is a cheat actually. I don't agree she has no responsibility to the wife. I think she does. And words like "succumbed" imply a helplessness in a situation outwith her control rather than the fact she actively pursued an affair.

Original poster
MyMistake · 04/02/2014 15:01

I do agree that the OW should consider the wife as well as the MM and take some responsibility.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2014 15:32

mammadiggingdeep I think your posts are out of order towards the OP. Why continue to read a thread that causes you so much upset? That's your responsibility, and anybody else's too. Lashing out in spite is not on. You're not an arbiter of who has 'standards' and who doesn't either, just your opinion.

Mistakes are not unforeseeable actions; they are things that we choose to do - or choose not to do - and them sometimes live to regret them.

MyMistake Don't report your thread as you don't need to prove who you are. If somebody is that bothered, they'll report it and MNHQ will confirm it on the thread. You're entitled to post; ignore anybody who tells you otherwise.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 15:48

Of course it's my opinion. Not lashing out in spite- giving my opinion. Not out if order at all- it would be wrong to call the op names etc. I am merely expressing my rake on the situation...as I am permitted to do on a public forum.