Anyone decided to give up on relationships?

[superstarheartbreaker]

And feel better for it? I have just got rid of the latest of a long line of pricks. I do choose some right idiots.
I'm no angel. I do get quite insecure if I'm with a new partner and although I try not to show it, it must manifest. Tbh I am very sad as I feel very unsupported. I suffer from anxiety occasionally and my last bf dumped me because of my anxiety regarding a new job.
Men never seem to deliver the kind of support that I crave. I have been dumped for: starting a new job, getting pregnant, getting upset about drugs, etc etc etc.
I just feel like giving up and that I'm destined to be alone but at the same time I feel a bit jealous of everyone around me who seems it so easy to find someone to love and support them.

[upthedamnwotsit]

I feel absolutely wonderful now that I've decided to embrace being single. My mind feels clearer than it has in years. I always ended up relying on my partners too much and I got massively invested in relationships I knew (deep down) weren't making me happy. I was afraid of being 'alone,' of not having someone to call or talk to or hang out with on the evenings when it was just me. Now I've realised that after the adjustment period it can be pretty fantastic to have time to yourself.

I take more chances because I'm looking in at me rather than focusing on making a partner happy, or living vicariously through what they're doing. I'm relieved because I know that I can't be hurt- I mean, sure, a friend could argue with me at some point, or a stranger could shout at me in the street- but it won't be that horrible hurt that happens when someone who was in love with you turns on you. I'm not held hostage to that fear any more.

No more relationships and sacrifices. I feel practically giddy about it some days. I tried with so many different people because I thought that was what you were meant to do, but I think fundamentally I'm just not the type of person who is good at relationships. And that's okay!

[DorothyGherkins]

Upthedam - isnt it briliant waking up each day happy!

[singleandfabulous]

I ended a three year relationship at the start of the year and I've never felt better (OK, I'll admit I felt better in my twenties but you get my drift). I've spent long periods being single and happy in my own company in between four long term relationships with various needy/hopeless/lying men and it's only now that I'm mid-forties that people seem to be happy (not bothered) that I'm single. When I was younger people were forever trying to fix me up. I suppose I'm clearly no threat to anyone now, not that I ever was!

Upthedamnwatsit I agree, I'm much better on my own; I get so much more done, I feel alive, full of energy and like you I think I'm just rubbish at romantic relationships. How many people here are introverts just out of curiosity? (nosey).

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Dahlen - "The reason there seems to be so many more decent single women than decent single men....."

Oh how I wish that were true. Single decent man here, and been single four years, not a date in three years. Where I live, single women are exceptionally few and far between (decent or otherwise) - even all the women I know say they know so few single women.

[DanceParty]

Been outwith a relationship now for 20 years - brought my son up alone, found 'me', very happy thank you. Definitely don't need the hassle of a 'relationship' if the last 2 were anything to go by

[MavisGrind]

BobHale - I'm north lakes but can travel for a good hill!

NotNewButNameChanged - it's interesting that you say there are no single women where you are. Where I am (and going by conversations I've had with others on here) there are no single men or at least none with their own teeth. Literally none of my friends know any single men who aren't gay!

I've assumed that the majority of single people were women as that seems to be the way it is here, so it's good to hear that it's not just women that are on their own.

[AmberSpyglass]

An introvert over here, singleandfabulous!

I'm kind of conflicted with this at the moment. On one hand, I feel I should accept that I am single and probably always will be. On the other, while that might be OK now, do I want to be alone FOREVER?!

The problem is, I am a single mother, work from home, zero chance of meeting anyone. I am only in my late twenties but already everyone is paired up and it feels like it's too late! Can that really be true? Add to that the fact that I just don't feel I have much to offer, not stunningly beautiful (or even quite pretty), not stunningly anything, and I do feel unlovable too. So, if there were any men around they wouldn't want me anyway.

So it feel inevitable that I will be alone forever, so I should just accept that but I can't help but feel I am missing out. I think I'll make a pros/cons list :-/

[AmberSpyglass]

NotNew are you the only single man left? And you just happen to live in the only area in the country where there aren't any single women? That's a logistical nightmare!

I know literally no single men, other than the terminally single (nice guys but either playas or confirmed bachelors). Certainly no decent single men.

[yetanotherstatistic]

I have no intention of getting involved again. I'm more on the extrovert side and have previously had long periods of being happily single. Made a huge error of judgement when it came to xh and don't want to risk doing the same again when life is so much better as a single person.

When I hear about the low level irritations other people have with their dh/dp or yet another relationship breaking up, it just reinforces the benefits of only having me and dd to think about, of not having to nag for help with chores, or put up with the inlaws visiting, or having someone grumbling because they don't want to go somewhere, of not having someone automatically changing the tv channel to their own choice - I could go on at length

It's great to have more time for my own interests and to maintain friendships which have generally outlasted relationships and been more rewarding.

Whilst it is annoying having the pity heaped upon you by the smug marrieds or elderly people, it often seems that enjoying being single threatens their world order. I find quite a few men quite twitchy that their women might start reassessing what benefits they get out of being married.

Someone told me that I was wrong to see relationships as making sacrifices and that I should see them as bringing something positive to my life. Increasingly it is difficult to see what a relationship could bring that would sufficiently tip the balance.

[comingintomyown]

I agree I get peeved at the half pity levelled at me because I haven't met anyone yet worse I sometimes have moments of being infected by that thinking. I know I have been guilty of that sort of thinking in my past though, XH had a lovely cousin who had it all apart from being married and was determinedly single and I didn't feel sorry for her but wondered why . Now I know !

I am late forties now and literally all my life I have been with someone not because I was afraid not to be but more it didn't occur to me not to be . These past four years have been revolutionary in my thinking about men but I do think that is also because of age related wisdom/ therapy and having done the marriage thing I don't need to wonder if I am now missing out

I do think if someone crossed my path who I was attracted to I would be happy to go out with them and do stuff but I am almost certain I would never entertain a live in relationship again.

Thanks to those up thread encouraging me to think about a solo holiday I think this might just be the year I do it !

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Amber well, to be totally accurate, there are some single women. What I should say is that I never meet any in my age group. There are single women around in their 20s and 50s and 60s, but I'm 40 and there is a total dearth of single women in the sort of 35-45 age bracket. Even trying online dating the figures are ridiculous. I obviously need to move.

[flippinada]

Not consciously, but I've not been in a relationship/dating for over 3 years note and I've never been more content. I am finally doing what I want to do!

I got to a point where I was thoroughly sick of the drama and carry on associated with relationships. Now I can't imagine being in one.

[flippinada]

yetanotherstatistic well said - couldn't have put it better myself!

[Dahlen]

If there's one thing I have learned from my many years of being single, it is that it is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 times better to be single than in a bad relationship. The hyperbole is intentional.

The loneliest and most unfulfilled I have ever been was in relationships that weren't working, because you lack the freedom to do anything about it. When you are expected to show commitment to a partner it is hard to take up a new hobby/nourish a new friendship with the same degree of effort you would if you were single.

A good relationship enhances your life. If you don't feel that, it's not a good relationship and you're best off out of it.

[MadBusLady]

Agree they should enhance your life or there's no point. And it's interesting that yetanotherstatistic gets told she "should" see relationships in general as bringing something positive, as a sort of default position. What if they don't??

[singleandfabulous]

NotNewButNameChanged I'm in that age group and live in a small market town in the Midlands and I agree, there are hardly any other single women in their forties. I know two. All the other single forty-something women I know live in cities, a bit like the single, eligible men really; not many of them tuck themselves away in the countryside. I'm an introvert though so I love being tucked away.

I'm another hill walker and I always find that other people and groups are very friendly towards me when I'm out and about so I don't feel lonely.

[Dahlen]

Mmm, I'm maybe an old cynic, but I'd hazard a guess that there are more relationships in which one person is making an unfair level of sacrifice/is unhappy than there are relationships in which both people feel their lives are enhanced. I think there are quite a lot of relationships in which one person's life is enhanced, but that often leaves the other feeling taken for granted.

Personally, I think the self-sacrifice message is really damaging, especially as it seems to be aimed very much at women more so than men. I don't think anyone should have to sacrifice that much at all TBH - a basic level of courtesy, compromise and co-operation should be present in all human relationships, with romantic ones no exception, but I don't see why it should go beyond that.

[singleandfabulous]

Always nice to find another introvert!

You may have few opportunities to meet people now but that will change as your daughter grows. Joining specialist interest groups is a good way to meet like-minded people in a none-threatening way.

[flippinada]

Agree also with Dahlen (am in an agreeable mood today). Women (it's usually women) are always being told they have to "work at" relationships, especially when there are children involved. Of course you shouldn't spilt up on a whim, but I do wish people realised that single parenthood isn't relentlessly grim and is often much better than being partnered up with someone who is difficult/abusive/draining.

[AmberSpyglass]

Sometimes I look at other people's relationships and just think FUCK THAT! And it is, pretty much, always the women who are having to "compromise" and put up and shut up. There are a few people who I think, yes, your relationship seems like a really lovely one, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

I really don't think society accepts single people though, I think my family would think I'd failed if I didn't "settle down with someone"

[AmberSpyglass]

This thread has provided a lot of food for thought. I really feel strong when I'm single and I feel as though I relinquish some of that strength when I'm in a relationship.

[MadBusLady]

Me too amber, exactly that. I always think it sucks for the man as well, who's attracted to this strong, shining person and then I turn into a people pleaser.

Oddly this came up on an introvert thread once. I was theorizing that maybe as an introvert I don't have much sense of how much it is appropriate to put myself out for others because basically doing ANYTHING that isn't for me puts me out.

[DorothyGherkins]

I feel like a complete and whole person when I am single. My self worth is much diminished as part of a couple.

[AmberSpyglass]

Ok, so, assuming we all do just say no thanks to relationships from now on. What about, you know, S E X?

[MadBusLady]

Pfft, I don't know. I'm just about to be newly single again and been pondering this. I can probably get it for the asking now but that won't last forever, and isn't to everyone's taste either. Society is set up all wrong!