Anyone decided to give up on relationships?

[superstarheartbreaker]

And feel better for it? I have just got rid of the latest of a long line of pricks. I do choose some right idiots.
I'm no angel. I do get quite insecure if I'm with a new partner and although I try not to show it, it must manifest. Tbh I am very sad as I feel very unsupported. I suffer from anxiety occasionally and my last bf dumped me because of my anxiety regarding a new job.
Men never seem to deliver the kind of support that I crave. I have been dumped for: starting a new job, getting pregnant, getting upset about drugs, etc etc etc.
I just feel like giving up and that I'm destined to be alone but at the same time I feel a bit jealous of everyone around me who seems it so easy to find someone to love and support them.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Like others here, I feel more whole and stable alone, and find that relationships are hard work, and trigger my feelings of unworthiness / people-pleasing.

Partly it's because these relationships where with abusive / unavailable men. But partly it's my own poor self-esteem getting in the way of a good relationship.

So I don't want to give up on relationships. I just know that two conditions have to be met: respectful, available man, and self-actualized, willing-to-take-the-risk me.

Tough combination to find.

[SwimmingClose]

I feel like a complete and whole person when I am single. My self worth is much diminished as part of a couple.

What DorothyGherkins says (a brilliant line if I may say so, but sad in a way. This should always be the litmus test of whether a relationship is positive for the woman especially, don't you think?)

I would never rule out a relationship, but would have to feel actually respected now (a new thing I have to say). I just couldn't put up with an idiot anymore. I think in the past my sex-drive or my desire to confirm my feminine desirability sometimes got in the way too many times.

[Kernowgal]

Yep, pretty much given up here. Granted I'm not in the right place mentally at the moment but the last one was such hard work that any future bloke would have to be amazing for me to even consider it.

I take care of myself, can cook, do DIY, mend things, fix machines, understand computers blah blah blah. I don't miss the sex either as he was such a selfish bastard that it felt like a chore towards the end.

I like my freedom. I like being answerable to no-one. I like that if I wanted to up and leave and move abroad tomorrow, I could. I spend my weekends doing my own thing, seeing my friends. Yes, occasionally a cuddle would be nice, or someone to cook the dinner or clean the flat or take the car for its MOT, but I get by.

[Farrowandbawl]

Sex?

I don't miss it at all. If I want some I'm sure I can get some from somewhere but to be honest, I can't even be bothered to er...please myself, shall we say, most of the time anyway.

Over the last three years, I'd say that that particular urge has happened twice? at the most..and even then I'm not sure it's been that many.

[flippinada]

I haven't had sex since my last relationship ended and don't miss it nearly as much as I thought I would.

Actually, I don't miss it at all...I like having my body to myself.

[Chesntoots]

I'm with sus14.

I like to come home and find things where I left them. I like to do what I want when I want.

I have been single for over a year and lived on my own for eight years and I can't see myself living with anyone again...

[MadBusLady]

Pfft, I don't know. I'm just about to be newly single again and been pondering this. I can probably get it for the asking now but that won't last forever, and isn't to everyone's taste either. Society is set up all wrong!

[AmberSpyglass]

Ok, so, assuming we all do just say no thanks to relationships from now on. What about, you know, S E X?

[DorothyGherkins]

I feel like a complete and whole person when I am single. My self worth is much diminished as part of a couple.

[MadBusLady]

Me too amber, exactly that. I always think it sucks for the man as well, who's attracted to this strong, shining person and then I turn into a people pleaser.

Oddly this came up on an introvert thread once. I was theorizing that maybe as an introvert I don't have much sense of how much it is appropriate to put myself out for others because basically doing ANYTHING that isn't for me puts me out.

[AmberSpyglass]

This thread has provided a lot of food for thought. I really feel strong when I'm single and I feel as though I relinquish some of that strength when I'm in a relationship.

[AmberSpyglass]

Sometimes I look at other people's relationships and just think FUCK THAT! And it is, pretty much, always the women who are having to "compromise" and put up and shut up. There are a few people who I think, yes, your relationship seems like a really lovely one, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

I really don't think society accepts single people though, I think my family would think I'd failed if I didn't "settle down with someone"

[flippinada]

Agree also with Dahlen (am in an agreeable mood today). Women (it's usually women) are always being told they have to "work at" relationships, especially when there are children involved. Of course you shouldn't spilt up on a whim, but I do wish people realised that single parenthood isn't relentlessly grim and is often much better than being partnered up with someone who is difficult/abusive/draining.

[singleandfabulous]

Always nice to find another introvert!

You may have few opportunities to meet people now but that will change as your daughter grows. Joining specialist interest groups is a good way to meet like-minded people in a none-threatening way.

[Dahlen]

Mmm, I'm maybe an old cynic, but I'd hazard a guess that there are more relationships in which one person is making an unfair level of sacrifice/is unhappy than there are relationships in which both people feel their lives are enhanced. I think there are quite a lot of relationships in which one person's life is enhanced, but that often leaves the other feeling taken for granted.

Personally, I think the self-sacrifice message is really damaging, especially as it seems to be aimed very much at women more so than men. I don't think anyone should have to sacrifice that much at all TBH - a basic level of courtesy, compromise and co-operation should be present in all human relationships, with romantic ones no exception, but I don't see why it should go beyond that.

[singleandfabulous]

NotNewButNameChanged I'm in that age group and live in a small market town in the Midlands and I agree, there are hardly any other single women in their forties. I know two. All the other single forty-something women I know live in cities, a bit like the single, eligible men really; not many of them tuck themselves away in the countryside. I'm an introvert though so I love being tucked away.

I'm another hill walker and I always find that other people and groups are very friendly towards me when I'm out and about so I don't feel lonely.

[MadBusLady]

Agree they should enhance your life or there's no point. And it's interesting that yetanotherstatistic gets told she "should" see relationships in general as bringing something positive, as a sort of default position. What if they don't??

[Dahlen]

If there's one thing I have learned from my many years of being single, it is that it is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 times better to be single than in a bad relationship. The hyperbole is intentional.

The loneliest and most unfulfilled I have ever been was in relationships that weren't working, because you lack the freedom to do anything about it. When you are expected to show commitment to a partner it is hard to take up a new hobby/nourish a new friendship with the same degree of effort you would if you were single.

A good relationship enhances your life. If you don't feel that, it's not a good relationship and you're best off out of it.

[flippinada]

yetanotherstatistic well said - couldn't have put it better myself!

[flippinada]

Not consciously, but I've not been in a relationship/dating for over 3 years note and I've never been more content. I am finally doing what I want to do!

I got to a point where I was thoroughly sick of the drama and carry on associated with relationships. Now I can't imagine being in one.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Amber well, to be totally accurate, there are some single women. What I should say is that I never meet any in my age group. There are single women around in their 20s and 50s and 60s, but I'm 40 and there is a total dearth of single women in the sort of 35-45 age bracket. Even trying online dating the figures are ridiculous. I obviously need to move.

[comingintomyown]

I agree I get peeved at the half pity levelled at me because I haven't met anyone yet worse I sometimes have moments of being infected by that thinking. I know I have been guilty of that sort of thinking in my past though, XH had a lovely cousin who had it all apart from being married and was determinedly single and I didn't feel sorry for her but wondered why . Now I know !

I am late forties now and literally all my life I have been with someone not because I was afraid not to be but more it didn't occur to me not to be . These past four years have been revolutionary in my thinking about men but I do think that is also because of age related wisdom/ therapy and having done the marriage thing I don't need to wonder if I am now missing out

I do think if someone crossed my path who I was attracted to I would be happy to go out with them and do stuff but I am almost certain I would never entertain a live in relationship again.

Thanks to those up thread encouraging me to think about a solo holiday I think this might just be the year I do it !

[yetanotherstatistic]

I have no intention of getting involved again. I'm more on the extrovert side and have previously had long periods of being happily single. Made a huge error of judgement when it came to xh and don't want to risk doing the same again when life is so much better as a single person.

When I hear about the low level irritations other people have with their dh/dp or yet another relationship breaking up, it just reinforces the benefits of only having me and dd to think about, of not having to nag for help with chores, or put up with the inlaws visiting, or having someone grumbling because they don't want to go somewhere, of not having someone automatically changing the tv channel to their own choice - I could go on at length

It's great to have more time for my own interests and to maintain friendships which have generally outlasted relationships and been more rewarding.

Whilst it is annoying having the pity heaped upon you by the smug marrieds or elderly people, it often seems that enjoying being single threatens their world order. I find quite a few men quite twitchy that their women might start reassessing what benefits they get out of being married.

Someone told me that I was wrong to see relationships as making sacrifices and that I should see them as bringing something positive to my life. Increasingly it is difficult to see what a relationship could bring that would sufficiently tip the balance.

[AmberSpyglass]

NotNew are you the only single man left? And you just happen to live in the only area in the country where there aren't any single women? That's a logistical nightmare!

I know literally no single men, other than the terminally single (nice guys but either playas or confirmed bachelors). Certainly no decent single men.

[AmberSpyglass]

An introvert over here, singleandfabulous!

I'm kind of conflicted with this at the moment. On one hand, I feel I should accept that I am single and probably always will be. On the other, while that might be OK now, do I want to be alone FOREVER?!

The problem is, I am a single mother, work from home, zero chance of meeting anyone. I am only in my late twenties but already everyone is paired up and it feels like it's too late! Can that really be true? Add to that the fact that I just don't feel I have much to offer, not stunningly beautiful (or even quite pretty), not stunningly anything, and I do feel unlovable too. So, if there were any men around they wouldn't want me anyway.

So it feel inevitable that I will be alone forever, so I should just accept that but I can't help but feel I am missing out. I think I'll make a pros/cons list :-/