Anyone decided to give up on relationships?

[superstarheartbreaker]

And feel better for it? I have just got rid of the latest of a long line of pricks. I do choose some right idiots.
I'm no angel. I do get quite insecure if I'm with a new partner and although I try not to show it, it must manifest. Tbh I am very sad as I feel very unsupported. I suffer from anxiety occasionally and my last bf dumped me because of my anxiety regarding a new job.
Men never seem to deliver the kind of support that I crave. I have been dumped for: starting a new job, getting pregnant, getting upset about drugs, etc etc etc.
I just feel like giving up and that I'm destined to be alone but at the same time I feel a bit jealous of everyone around me who seems it so easy to find someone to love and support them.

[DorothyGherkins]

Comingintomyown - I think if you are happy living on your own, you'd cope with holidays on your own. My ex was always 'too busy' for holidays, so even when we lived together, I used to go alone. The only thing I struggled with was the expense. I used to choose wisely, so if I booked a cottage, it wasn't too isolated. But my best holidays have been the ones I ve taken the last few years alone - completely relaxing, and I didnt want to come home.

[maparole]

The only problem with being single is when you run into interfering busybodies who assume you must be miserable alone.

Before my marriage, I was single for years and I used to love travelling alone ... you see and hear and experience so much more without a friend or partner taking all your attention. However, I was always having to dodge people attempting to take me under their wing. Kind, but irritating.

Comingintomytown: if you are unsure about travelling alone, try at first a holiday where you are doing something - walking, wine tour, or whatever you enjoy. It gives you a focus so that you don't feel so "sticking out like a sore thumb".

[MadBusLady]

superstar I've lurked on some of your threads and I think you are right to say you are insecure - and a certain type of twat can smell that a mile off. Relationships can eventually grow into a source of emotional/practical support but you shouldn't be starting from a position of 'craving' it. The point of relationships is that two already fairly happy and secure people who can meet their own psychological needs come together and make something more than the sum of their parts. I second the person who suggested counselling.

[3mum]

Another one who never wants another relationship here. In hindsight my very long term marriage consisted entirely of me trying to please him and him pleasing himself. Eventually he decided to trade me in for a younger model and is now off playing happy families with her. They deserve each other .

I really love living on my own with the DC's and pets. I love running my own house and not being answerable to anyone. By choice I will never have another relationship because I will never make compromises for anyone else again. I'm lucky to have good friends and a busy social life so I rarely feel lonely. IME the couple relationship is hugely overrated!

[Keepithidden]

This thread makes me want to be single again. I think DW and DCs would be a bit upset about it, but I don't think their lives (home and finances) would have to change. There'd be smaller food bills and less laundry for the household to cope with too.

Cloud cuckoo land at the moment tho', that's what fantasies are for after all!

[Dahlen]

I'm in a relationship now. I gave up on them for years though.

To begin with I had no choice. As a single mother of two with a full time job and massive childcare costs, I could not afford a social life that didn't involve anything other than going round to friends' houses or them coming to mine. Babysitting for the odd date - let alone regularly enough to establish a relationship - was simply not an option.

By the time I could afford to restart my social life, I had become so accustomed to living without a relationship that I didn't want one and was far more interested in exploring new interests and friendships. I had many great years really loving life as a single person.

The irony is, of course, that once you embrace the single life quite often you don't want a relationship any more.

Like I said above, I am actually in a relationship at the moment. It was during my happy-being-single phase that I met current BF (through work). I very nearly turned him down because I liked life as a single person so much I was unwilling to lose the freedom of it. Fortunately, he completely understands my need for autonomy and feels similarly himself (and the sexual chemistry was quite strong ) so I agreed to see how things went. We took things incredibly slowly and thus far it's working out great.

We've been together a while now and while we don't live together (nor have immediate plans to), I can honestly say I have all the good sides of being in a relationship (fun, regular sex, emotional support) and none of the downsides.

Some people are just lucky and meet the right person through chance. Some people are just unlucky and fall prey to arseholes through no fault of their own and despite actively looking for red flags. Other people (me included) are most likely to find a good relationship by being in the mindset where they really can take it or leave it, because that level of objectivity gives you so much more ability to spot the liars/cheats/uncaring/feckless/nice-but-unreliable/etc and pass over them before they've sucked you in deep enough to hurt you.

OP - try not to think of it as giving up on relationships as embracing a life where your own needs come first.

[Mumtoh]

I left my husband in 2011 (we continued to live together for 9 months while we sold the house). I have never, not once, regretted the decision and whilst there are things I underestimated (how DS would be affected) I overestimated others (financial stability is based on marriage). In the last year or so I have started to feel restless, and like I would like someone in my life. I had a bit of a fling with a younger man which ended up changing my life completely (I lost weight, changed eating habits, became more confident in some things, had much more self esteem (eventually)) but it came at a cost of feeling really insecure about myself. I am thinking of dipping my toe into OLD, but am very wary due to hearing horror stories. However, I have learned so much about myself over the last 3 years that I think I would be much stronger in not putting up with any shit.

It's so sad reading some of the heartbreaking stories you hear on mumsnet sometimes but I suppose I am an optimist at heart and always hope for the best.

Oh, and DS puts out the bins
(getting your own lemsip is a complete bummer though...)

[CuChullain]

I didn’t give up as such but I definitely took a break from dating or actively looking for a partner. I had come out of a messy 4 year relationship and was mentally exhausted to be honest. I decided to be a bit selfish and did lots of ‘me’ things, took evening classes in French, ran a marathon, threw my energies at building lasting friendships and generally had a care free blast with life. It was hard at first as my confidence had taken a knock and saw myself as a failure but I soon became very comfortable with my own company. The best holidays I had was where I travelled on my own to far off places with nothing but a rucksack and a guidebook, met all sorts of wonderful people and have memories of sights and sounds that I cherish to this day. I did this for about 6 years before I finally decided to try my hand at dating again. At that stage I felt very sure of who I was and refused to compromise or ‘settle’ for being ‘just ok’ or ‘so so’ when it came to relationships, if someone wanted to be part of my life they had to tick all the boxes, I don’t think that is being fussy, what’s the point of being with someone who only makes you happy half the time.

Sometimes being free and single for an extended period can be the making of you

[hedidit]

I have.

I wish I could have a bestfreindship though. Someone to go on dates and out for the day, in the evening, on holiday but no actual relationship. I avoided for the last 8 years as the last one I had upset my children when it ended. I decided that I wouldnt put the through that possibility again. When they are all a few years older I shall probably dive head first into the 45 + with 20+ kids dating pool and have fun with it but have no expectations of it.

I might even get some botox and be disgracefully disgraceful hehe x

[superstarheartbreaker]

Trouble I've been mostly single for 15 years. My relationships don't last very long . The most recent disastrous lasted for five months. I get bad pmt and that puts guys off.

I think I'd much happier being single if society supported single women more but it really feels like swimming against a tide.

It's the shitty/patronising comments like 'you'll find someone', 'you hasn't had much luck have you? 'Why don't you try a new hobby?' And 'poor you... My boyfriend is amazing!' That frankly want me to reach for the machine gun sick bag!

[Dahlen]

I agree that society doesn't support single women very well, unless they're young and child-free. Once you're a woman over a certain age, and particularly if you have children, you are probably going to be a fair bit poorer than a married woman or a single man. Lack of money is what leads to lack of choices and lack of fun.

Our whole society is geared up to being part of a couple or with an income sufficient enough to cope without a partner. Most accommodation requires two salaries to cover rent/mortgage with enough left over for living life well.

OP, you could do what I did, which is probably why I didn't feel left out so much at the time and why I feel a bit odd now I am in a relationship, and that's make a large social group made up of other single women. I've had more support of my friends than most people have off their partners.

[Farrowandbawl]

The only thing I miss is someone to bring me a cup of tea in bed when the kids are (rarely) asleep or (more often) the times they are alseep but I can't switch off..

My Christmas present to myself this year will be a teasmaid! Last years was a dishwasher and I love it...one less chore to do.

I just can not be bothered with the hassle of seeing someone and all that palava.

I can not wait until the kids have either moved out or DS is able to be looked after someone else for a few days so I can bugger off and stretch my wings a bit. I plan, for my first holiday on my own, to lie on a beach, with plenty of drinks and a picnic, a book or two and my ipod and just lay there...all day. Dip in the sea for a paddle when I get to hot and just nip somewhere to go to the loo. That's it. The second day I will be taking a long stroll through what ever little streets and see where they take me. If I get lost that's even better (you find the best bit's that way ). If I don't talk to a single person during that entire holiday I really, really wouldn't mind. Just as long as I have a book to read while I'm eating, I don't care.

[mcmooncup]

Similar to Dahlen in that I had no relationships for 2.5 years after marriage. I absolutely loved being single. Really really loved it. Such fun.

But then met DP. I "didn't want a bf" at this time but I've assessed it quite a lot and actually I'm careful that it doesn't bring anything but niceness into my life. It would never be worth it otherwise- "wait, yes I'd love to put my needs last again"...not.
So he is Not needy, not demanding, would never dream of telling me what to do, just provides fun, sex and love.
I too though have NO plans of co habiting. Holidaying yes, but bleurgghhh to domesticity.
So I gave up on traditional full on relationships, yes. And have something a bit different with no happy ending and public commitment required or planned. Think I only will ever want this type of relationship too. I don't like lemsip

[MrsBobHale]

I have no problem getting my own lemsip, and I do my travelling with DD. I realise though that she's rapidly becoming a teen and won't put up with me for much longer.

What I miss is having someone who's willing to go for a proper walk with me. I mean about 10 miles with hills. It's more trouble than it's worth dragging a reluctant 12 yo. She will come if bribed with enough cake, but not very often and not if there's so much as a cloud visible in the sky.

It's one thing that I can't really call on my friends for. I only have one close friend who enjoys proper hill walking and she'd love to go but she has her own family and commitments, and we can never find an opportunity to go.

I can go walking on my own, and I do, but I don't enjoy it as much. It's the sociable side of walking that I miss. I plan to rectify it this year by joining some walking groups that aren't all for old people!

[DorothyGherkins]

MrsBob - you re not near the peaks are you? I m desperate for a walking partner too!

[Diagonally]

Farrow I am longing to do that solo holiday

I barely read anything these days because I like to read a good book from start to finish with no interruptions.

[Farrowandbawl]

I love being on my own too much now.

I'm decorating the house so it will be exactly how I want it to be..I wont have the room in the house or my life for another person to be honest.

A pp said about an early night being just that. An early night..had me laughing. I remember going to bed ridiculously early or staying up insainly late so I didn't have to go the routine of me turning him down or even have his octopus hands molesting me just as I get comfortable.

I soooooooooo don't miss that.

[MavisGrind]

BobHale - give us a rough location - another hill walker here!

YY to those that said that singledom is not supported in our society. If you do answer "But I'm not looking for a relationship" to any concerns or pity then they simply don't believe you.

Very annoying!

I have achieved more in the last 4 years than I did in the preceding 15 and I've done all that on my own with 2 dcs. I just don't understand why this doesn't make being single accepted.

[MrsBobHale]

Mavis - peaks is closest for me. I'm prepared to travel to bits of Yorkshire, North Wales or South Lakes though for a proper hill. Where are you?

[redundantandbitter]

Sounds like a walking group in the making...

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think for me the saddest thing is a slight feeling of bitterness: of being unlovable and also a lack of faith in human nature. But then I have just been dumped again in a horrible way. This too will pass.

[DorothyGherkins]

You are not unlovable superstar - just put this one down to experience. Try to learn from it and you will be able to move on one day and leave the bitterness behind. Proof on this thread that you can be happy without the man calling the shots.

[Keepithidden]

Superstar - The way I figure it is: it's better to be single and having independence than to live in a crap relationship. So at least you're not feeling bitter while trying to appease your partner. You can concentrate on yourself, being happy and growing into the incredible human being you can be!

Bitterness will pass as you say, but only because you have split. If that bitterness was left to fester imagine the fallout, it wouldn't pass, it would grow into resentment and be a lot worse when it did blow up.

[Dahlen]

Sueprstar - don't feel unlovable. Don't swallow the media-fed crap that only a romantic relationship means you are truly loved. A romantic relationship is actually the least constant and stable form of human relationships. Family bonds and friendships often outlast them.

Another thing to take heart from is that it's possible to reconcile the lack of available decent men with the fact that most people are decent. They are not mutually exclusive. It just tends to be the case that most decent men are in relationships. There are, of course, decent men who have just come out of a relationship for one reason or another, but they aren't hanging around in droves on street corners. They can be hard to find. But it really isn't you. The reason there seems to be so many more decent single women than decent single men is because relationships are overwhelmingly ended by women (often for good reason) whereas men tend to stay in them until either left or until they find someone else to move on to. This is a gross generalisation, I know, with many exceptions, but it is borne out statistically (nearly 70% of divorce proceedings are started by women).

It really isn't you.