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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
livingzuid · 06/03/2014 14:46

Or even a Brew!

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 15:25

Having something fun to look forward to sounds like a really good idea living

Snugglepiggy · 06/03/2014 15:50

Jones I think I posted very early on in your OP but if not just want to say how sorry I am you are going through this.And you have been given wonderful support and advice from far wiser women than me. Shebas post from earlier today could have been written by me.We too are almost 4 years on from discovering my DHs affair - as I will always consider it ,because although they didn't have sex it evolved over many months and was secretive and inappropriate.And like Sheba I thought I would never find a way back to where I could say things were good,but they are.
For a very long time thoughts of DHs behaviour,what to do,who to be in the future consumed my every waking thought.And my biggest mistake in the early days was ' heroically' fighting to make everything OK and keeping things 'normal' at home and in our business.When what I should have done,and would urge you to do,was take some time out.Livingzuid sums that up brilliantly.
Like you I felt I had supported him through some really tough times and then felt slapped in the face by the fact he chose to nurture a relationship with someone else and shut me out,rather than talk to me about how he felt.
Try not to despair.Although on your darkest of days it feels desperate.Some times I felt overwhelming sadness.Others just so unbelievably angry.It sounds like he is truly sorry and you both want to work through all this pain.FWIW we went out for cake and coffee on a regular basis ,as well as counselling,as a way of finding a neutral, more uplifting way to talk and be together.It became a kind of mini - date.And the bonus was I had lost so much weight initially with the shock and upset I could shovel in any cake I wanted to and not worry about the waistline.I'm a bit plumper but happier nowadays ,and hope you get there eventually.It is a form of bereavement I'm convinced ,and there are no shortcuts in the recovery.I wish you well.Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 06/03/2014 17:17

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 06/03/2014 18:24

tessa6

I do tend to self blame quite a lot, yes.

I play in different music groups twice a week and I haven't stopped doing that. Have always done that, even before I started going out with DH. He has always said that he doesn't mind. He recognised that when I was a SAHM I needed the 'adult time' after being at home all day. Has always been happy to look after the children when I have rehearsals and concerts.

I have nothing planned to look forward atm. Maybe I need to address that.

I did look forward to our Monday together in spite of everything and we did have a lovely day.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 06/03/2014 18:48

Just a quick something to hopefully make you smile re:book day - I read a tweet today that said if you forgot to dress up today you could go in as an overdue library book tomorrow.

Book something - however small - for yourself in a week or 10 days time. Coffee with a friend, nails, hair, hour in a library....

tessa6 · 06/03/2014 21:07

Sounds good, Jones. Maybe plan a few social get togethers with friends, bandmates or even a holiday. It's always a good time to reinvest in friendships and relationships we let flounder over the years.

I'm glad you had a good time on Monday.

Perhaps you should talk about your self-blaming with him too. So he can help and notice when you are doing it. It's really common, particularly with women, and it can be a contributing factor to depression as well as anxiety or low self-esteem. Hopefully your individual counseling will explore that too, they are often very good at re-adjusting the perspective when people are more naturally masochistic or take on a lot of responsibility. Be aware that because you have a tendency towards it, you are probably being harder on yourself than you deserve, and think of yourself as a good friend you care about and think about what you would do and say for them at this point. Then do it for yourself. Why would we be less kind to ourselves than to our friends? When we are with ourselves for our whole lives?!

Take care.

littlecrystal · 06/03/2014 23:26

OP from reading your story I think both of you, your DH and you are doing very well given the circumstances.
When I found out about my H's illicit behaviour, he blamed me for his behaviour, locked his phone with a pin code and said I am too controlling. No support or saying sorry or understanding what he made me go through. Regretfully my marriage has no future. Yours has, I believe.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 07/03/2014 08:31

littlecrystal

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 14:06

Skanky cow requested DH as a friend on Facebook last night.

When we clicked through to the app, there was no request there as she had obviously cancelled it!

Silly b*h. So want to contact her and tell her to get over herself. And more...

OP posts:
BakerStreetSaxRift · 09/03/2014 14:44

How did you know? Did your DH get a notification for it then it was gone?

Do you think OW did it on purpose to try and initiate contact and remind him she was there, or that she thought she'd try and be friends with him then changed her mind and didn't think you'd not get the notification if she canceled the request?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 15:15

Yes. Phone vibrated and notification at the top said 'Skanky Bitch (friends with A N Other) has requested you as a friend'.

When we clicked on the notification it went through to the friend requests page and there wasn't one on there.

DH was a bit bemused, but I guessed she'd cancelled it. We tried doing that to him from my account and exactly the same thing happened. My friend request wasn't there after the notification as I cancelled it.

I'm guessing that either she was pissed, so stupid that she doesn't realise the notification would go through even if she cancelled it, realised it would and just wanted to remind him she was there, or that at some point in the future she's going to attempt to resume things or cause trouble.

Either way it shows that she's been looking at his profile on there.

Am sorely tempted to message her asking if she'd like me to request her DH as a friend.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 09/03/2014 15:24

It's kind of sad, Jones, isn't it. Great that you're dealing with all this stuff together though, rather than him hiding it. Maybe she did it by accident when snooping, as you said. There's no reason at all why you shouldn't friend her husband on Facebook, you haven't done anything wrong!

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 15:30

Well apart from the fact I don't know him. Know exactly who he is on there though... ;-)

OP posts:
livingzuid · 09/03/2014 15:33

Oh not what you need at the weekend. She is clueless if she can't realise the damage she has caused and the pain she continues to inflict. Ignore. She's so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. You sound like you are doing really well to not give into temptation!

Vintagebeads · 09/03/2014 16:10

If you block her from yours and his account she will not be able to contact or look at anything.
I have blocked people for less and they cant see my comments tagged pictures even if we have mutual friends.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 16:11

livingzuid - I'm finding it bloody hard not to message her on Facebook and tell her exactly what I think of her!

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 16:13

Vintagebeads. Thanks. Can't seem to do on the Facebook app so will look on the PC later, should the DCs ever stop playing Minecraft!

OP posts:
lazarusb · 09/03/2014 17:32

Jones In my experience, children rarely stop playing Minecraft!

I don't know anything about FB but it does sound like she was snooping. How did your h feel about it? Was he as annoyed as you? I guess this shows how pathetic she is, but it is good, as Tessa says, that you're dealing with it together.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 17:45

LOL lazarusb

DH has now blocked her - just watched him do it.

I'm not blocking her. She can snoop at me all she likes... ;-)

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 17:46

DH was initially bemuses as to where the request was.

Now irritated by it. Wondering what on earth she is thinking...

I just think she's showing her true colours and stirring...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 17:47
  • bemused
OP posts:
lazarusb · 09/03/2014 18:28

I think she is too. Or trying to see if his status had changed. Has he blocked other methods of contact (outside work)?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 18:34

He hasn't changed his no if that's what you mean but he is leaving his phone around when he's home and I have access to his phone bill on line. And he hasn't used it to contact her since Dday (and for about 10 days before.

She has his email address but I have access to that too.

He deleted the other email account he used with her. I have tried emailing it and it says that the account no longer exists...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/03/2014 18:37

And he hasn't set up a new one on his phone (he was using that account more or less exclusively on his phone) as I've checked that too...

OP posts: