Red flag or not?

[TheStitchWitch]

Me and dh have been married for almost 9 years, socially he plays golf a couple of times a month and very occasionally goes out for drinks in town with his mates. Me and my friends go clothes shopping and sometimes out for lunch. In the past I've been invited out drinking in town but having been out of the loop since having the dc feel that my confidence has gone.

On monday a good friend of mine invited me out this Friday for a few drinks around town and I thought why not. She ended the message saying it won't be a late one and you'll get the chance to wear that nice dress you bought. The dress is bright orange and short and I planned on wearing twith leggings and high heeled black shoes.

I read the message to dh and straight away he said your not going out in that The dress was from Ann summers and because of this he thinks it's not suitable to go out in.

I can hand on heart say that our marriage other than this is good, we're very much in love very attentive. But I now feel that it's only been this way because I've been the compliant little wife that didn't want to go out on the town and was quite happy with shopping and meals out with the girls.

He says he loves me and is worried that I'll leave him for someone else, Ive assured him that I have no intention of being with anyone else.

Is he just insecure or is this the beginning of something worse?

OP as an isolated comment, I wouldn't see it as a worry. But how he said it, and how he has behaved since, could matter a lot.

Again, I don't know what context he made the remark in and I obviously don't know him. You may say that it's wrong in any context.
Just as an example; Let's say my Wife/Partner/GF said she was going out with her mates to get rat-arsed and came down the stairs wearing a dress that only just covered everything and big heels.
There's no point in me lying, I'd be concerned. The primary concern would be for her safety and well-being. The second would be for the amount of and kind of attention she would attract.(which could cross over into the primary concern.) Sure, she'd be quite capable of saying no to the amount of arseholes trying it on with her but it doesn't mean it'd stop me being worried.
If her answer was, "I don't give a fuck what you think, I'm an adult, I can drink as much as I want, wear what I want and come home at whatever time I want, it's none of your business." I'd make sure it was none of my business anymore because I'd be gone by the time she staggered home.
Would that make me an unreasonable, possessive, controlling misogynist. Or someone that doesn't want to be with somebody who shows total disregard for their partners feelings.

Where to begin Neil.

But in short Neil, yes it does.
HTH.

If her answer was, "I don't give a fuck what you think, I'm an adult, I can drink as much as I want, wear what I want and come home at whatever time I want, it's none of your business." I'd make sure it was none of my business anymore because I'd be gone by the time she staggered home.

Would you?

The poster doesn't sound like she communicates like that with her partner, so I doubt we need to worry about that sort of unlikely interaction.

It can be a hugely slippery slope insisting that partners must modify their schedules and what they wear in case it hurts the other one's "feelings".

Sometimes feelings are irrational, illogical and sexist. To be challenged and not pandered to.

mcmooncup - "yes it does" to which?

Tonandfeather - I didn't equate it to the op's scenario.

I'm just wondering in the scenario I gave, if a woman posted a thread on here where it was her husband/partner/BF buying himself new clothes, bit of new aftershave, maybe a quick blast on the sunbed to put some colour in his cheeks and says he's off on a lads night out and she felt a bit insecure, would you say to her that he's an adult and can do what he likes? I'd suggest that most of the replies would be between, "talk to him and tell him your concerns", right the way up to, "LTB and he can have as many lads nights out as he wants".
It was you that said these attitudes need looking into.

If a woman posted that her male partner had only ever met his friends in the daytime in order to accommodate the family's needs - despite the poster having a regular evening social life herself and playing frequent sport - and that poster expressed concern that he was planning a
solitary evening out with friends, in clothes she worried would be sexually appealing to other women...

From what I've seen, she would be inundated with grips being handed out, there would be 100s of abusive personal attacks deleted and at best, some suggestions that she got therapy for her controlling behaviour.

Always best to compare like with like.

Though if it helps with your hypothetical scenario, there would of course be a tiny percentage of crazies who don't like partners going out at all, some who would query whether the poster had any real concerns about infidelity...and 100 who would post links to sunbed damage.

OP, is your friend single? If so, your DH may be uncomfortable with her using you as 'bait' - after all, she asked you to wear your sexy new dress.

Ton, If your wife doesn't mind people seeing her underwear, why is it a concern of yours?

It would make me uncomfortable because I wouldn't want people thinking she's looking for sex. I'm not sure if you know this, but the sexier a woman dresses, the more likely that men will think she's looking for sex. That's why a guy on the prowl will approach a sexily dressed woman before a non-sexily dressed woman - he thinks he's more likely to pull the sexily dressed woman (although he could well be wrong). I'm sure I'll be flamed and accused of being a rape apologist or something similarly insane, but that's the truth...

The op says she never felt like going out when asked. She said he goes out with his mates only "very occasionally"(which seems to have been turned into "regular evening social life").
I still don't know what context it was said in. If it was with a smile and he was thinking, "Christ, she looks stunning, she's going to be getting lot's of attention", then a little bit of insecurity shows you care.( IMO )
If it was said seriously and in a threatening manner, then it's a red flag.

"I'm not sure if you know this..." Lol.

Thanks for that bit of mansplaining. I think you mean YOU regard women who dress a certain way as looking for sex. Please don't tar all men with your brush.

I'm not sure if YOU know this, but there really are men who respect women's individuality and freedom to wear whatever they want, without thinking it communicates anything at all about their libido or willingness to have sex with random strangers on a night out with their women friends.

For people that have asked my friend is in an on off relationship, there are 3 of us going out and the other friend is in a long term relationship.

I've spoken to DH this afternoon, I've calmed down a lot since posting here, even though I don't necessarily agree with neil it helps to have a male perspective.

I told DH that he'd upset me and asked him if he minded me going out, he says he doesn't, I asked him why the dress bothered him so much, he says it's because he knows how good i'll look in it and that he knows how some, not all men think.

I told him that I appreciate that he worries about me but I am quite capable of looking after myself and that the kind of men that he's referring too don't need a reason or excuse to be sexual predators ie it isn't the way a woman dresses that makes them act that way.

He admitted to being insecure he knows it's his problem not mine, he wants me to have a good night out.

He sounds like a good man who loves you loads.

Well that sounds good

I'm glad he admitted this was his problem and also some men's problems - not yours.

If you'd had your way she wouldn't have said anything at all for fear of "jeopardising" the marriage. I think keepithidden was probably bang on though.

OP, glad it's all worked out for you both. Did you show him this thread?

Ton, you're welcome, and thanks for your eggsplanation also. You're still wrong, though. In case you want to find out the opinion of other men (and that's what we're talking about here), the question you should ask is: "If you saw two women in a bar - one wearing a sexy dress and flashing her underwear, the other in regular day-to-day clothes - which do you think would be easier to pull, all else being equal?" You might be surprised at the answers you get.

I suppose the only real comparison could be in Scotland if a woman tells her man, "Yor nay goin' oot in that wee mini-kilt mister".

I've only read the first post, but I think if husband said that to me I couldn't help but burst out laughing in his face.

stale, I'm not sure if you know this, but the sexier a woman dresses, the more likely that men will think she's looking for sex. That's why a guy on the prowl will approach a sexily dressed woman before a non-sexily dressed woman - he thinks he's more likely to pull the sexily dressed woman

And then what? She opens her legs? Or perhaps other options are available.

"there really are men who respect women's individuality and freedom to wear whatever they want, without thinking it communicates anything at all about their libido or willingness to have sex with random strangers on a night out with their women friends"

And the other 95% know that nothing says "I'm on the pull" louder than a skimpy red number from Ann Summers on the Friday night circuit, as do the OP's husband and friends.

This thread is a study in MN hypocrisy, if the sexes were reversed the "red flag" would be that her partner wanted to go out with his mates "dressed to pull" and strenuously resisted any requests to tone it all down.

(You can just imagine the "wasting family money", "mistreating the mother of his children", "abusive behaviour" and so on.....)

1. I disagree that getting dressed up, putting on aftershave etc says "I'm on the pull" it equally says "I've made an effort and I'm out with friends for the night".

2. Even if a person is all dressed up, goes to a singles night to support a mate etc, doesn't mean they are going to be unfaithful. They do have control over their choices, no matter what they are wearing.

If youve been with him for years and not really had nights out with the girls, now all of a sudden you decide to, then of course he is going to worry about that. He's human. Most people are nervous when longterm habits are changed..ie could be a wife whose husband, after several years of not doing so, suddenly says he wants to start going out with his mates. You'd likely have a kneejerk reaction to that even if only initially, as opposed to smilingly waving him out of the door saying 'have fun'. It doesnt make the enquiring partner an ogre, just that some things can make others feel a little insecure. Anyway youve reassured your DH it doesnt sound as if you have a terrible marriage so hopefully you'll get through this. Have fun