Red flag or not?

[TheStitchWitch]

Me and dh have been married for almost 9 years, socially he plays golf a couple of times a month and very occasionally goes out for drinks in town with his mates. Me and my friends go clothes shopping and sometimes out for lunch. In the past I've been invited out drinking in town but having been out of the loop since having the dc feel that my confidence has gone.

On monday a good friend of mine invited me out this Friday for a few drinks around town and I thought why not. She ended the message saying it won't be a late one and you'll get the chance to wear that nice dress you bought. The dress is bright orange and short and I planned on wearing twith leggings and high heeled black shoes.

I read the message to dh and straight away he said your not going out in that The dress was from Ann summers and because of this he thinks it's not suitable to go out in.

I can hand on heart say that our marriage other than this is good, we're very much in love very attentive. But I now feel that it's only been this way because I've been the compliant little wife that didn't want to go out on the town and was quite happy with shopping and meals out with the girls.

He says he loves me and is worried that I'll leave him for someone else, Ive assured him that I have no intention of being with anyone else.

Is he just insecure or is this the beginning of something worse?

He's happy for me to go out, he just doesn't want me to wear a particular dress.

Jeez it doesn't matter what you wear, or indeed if guys DO hit on you while you're out. If you're not interested and any of them turn into pests, you'll deal with it like an adult.

Go out and wear what ever you darned well like. Don't ever let anyone dictate to you about what you wear and where you go.

Is it because it's from Ann Summers and he equates their stuff as private sexy items? Are your friends single? You have to weigh up how important it is for you to wear this dress.

No she doesn't Neil. It doesn't sound like it's important to her at all, but there is a principle at stake. Nobody should go round dictating what their spouse should wear. Either he trusts her to have agency over her own behaviour or he doesn't, it doesn't matter a damn what she wears in the process.

It doesn't matter Neil, because what matters is what she equates the dress with. It appears that she equates it with going out for a drink, so that's why it's ok to wear it.

He says he loves me and is worried that I'll leave him for someone else

This rings definite alarm bells for me. It's just possessive and creepy and wrong. And time and time again on MN, we see that the partners who are afraid their other half might cheat are the ones who would all too easily do it themselves (hence why they suspect that others are capable of it too).

And "You're not going out in that" is just SUCH a no-no. It's about control. Control has no place in a loving relationship.

Wear the dress, OP. If he has a problem with it, then he has a problem. Don't pander to it.

You're not going out in that is out of place because it's what a parent says to a child, not what an adult says to another adult.

I know and appreciate what you're saying and being controlling and possessive IS a red flag. All I'm saying is that I would have been concerened if my wife went out in a skirt or dress so short, that whenever she sat down, everyone could see tomorrows laundry. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a slippery slope into insisting she only leaves the house in a burka or something.

Sigh.

Neil, All I'm saying is that I would have been concerned if my wife went out in a skirt or dress so short, that whenever she sat down, everyone could see tomorrow's laundry

Would you forbid her, or would you trust your wife to know how to sit in a short skirt, you know, given the fact that she's an adult with experience of wearing skirts?

If your wife doesn't mind people seeing her underwear, why is it a concern of yours?

Just for jest, does this guy wear GOLF CLOTHES, poster?

Neil I have no intention of flashing my undies, hence the leggings.
And yes Tonandfeather DH wears golf clothing.

I too might be concerned in a 'why would you want to do that?' way, but she's planning to wear leggings with it. Hence my question re suspenders.

It is really important that everyone realises that what women wear doesn't affect what they choose to do. Even if she WAS planning to wear sussies and stripper heels for a girls night out, that would be decidedly odd and inappropriate but it wouldn't, of itself, be more likely to make her unfaithful. She might attract more attention because it sends out a certain signal, but she can still say no to it. Someone who is intending to go out on the pull and cheat, on the other hand, can do it wearing a bin bag.

The H seems to see the dress itself as having some sort of mind-altering power over the OP's behaviour, which I would find insulting in her position.

I thought he might wear golf clothes.

I find THOSE offensive on grounds of taste, but I'd never tell someone they weren't going out in them.

I wouldn't forbid anyone to do anything.
I don't even know what context he said, "you're not going out in that" was said. Was it said with laughter in his voice? Anger? Insinuation? I don't know. What I do know is that the StitchWitch has stated that her and her husband are very much in love and I wouldn't want her to jeopordise her happiness on a point of principle or wanting to make a statement.

Or maybe the husband here shouldn't jeopardise his happy marriage by giving out orders about how his wife dresses?

I don't think anyone is suggesting they should 'jeopardise their happiness'.

Thank you Ton I was trying to write that but it didn't look/sound right when I wrote it :)

TheStitchWitch - I know you intend to wear leggings with it. I was just making the point that IF you wore something ridiculously short without them, I'd understand his concern.

In isolation, I wouldn't say it is a red flag.

My DH will comment on what I am wearing - if he thinks it doesn't suit me, or he might suggest something different. Just as I would if he were to wear something that I didn't like. That is ok.

Suggesting that a dress might make you cheat on him makes me think he is very insecure about your relationship, and that definitely needs addressed.

It's worth examining what's behind this you know.

Because at source, it comes from a place of regarding a partner as personal property - whose behaviour/appearance is a reflection of your own worth and value.

It would also be mad to ignore the equality issues in this. They are standing out like a sore thumb.

Which is why guys rarely get ordered by women not to wear clothes that are sexually appealing to others.

There's a reason for that and it's political.

The reaction to the dress is a red flag, IMO, when taken in conjunction with "he says he loves me and is worried that I'll leave him for someone else".

Because this is basically dressing up controlling, insecure behaviour as loving behaviour. Capitulate over the dress and I suspect there will be other stuff to follow.

However, you sound like a woman of feist who won't take any shit, so I'll simply say, enjoy your Friday night out!

Which is why guys rarely get ordered by women not to wear clothes that are sexually appealing to others - We are pretty limited in that aspect though Ton. What could we possibly wear that makes us more appealing or attractive. Most men go out in a shirt and trousers. If every bloke in the bar was dressed like that and I walked in wearing a pair of tiny running shorts and a vest, I'd either get the shit kicked out of me or get arrested!!
Women have a much broader range of what they can wear.

Yep, another one who thinks it's a red flag.

However, he may not be aware of the full implications of what the simple words he uses actually are, so it could be worth spelling it out to him. It's pretty normal for a lot of men to come out with this kind of stuff almost subconsciously. When explained in a "Do you really see me as a possession? Something you have control over? You don't see me as an equal or empathise with me as a perosn?" type approach then he may well realise what a ridiculous proposition it is.

When I've said something outrageously mysoginistic in the past and been pulled up on it, then actually thought through the implications of what I've said my personal feelings have been shame and embarssament.

Just a thought anyway.

I could bore you for hours on the politics of that neil, but I won't derail our poster's thread.

Just to say that women DON'T have as broad a range of clothing choices as you might think. We are raised from an early age to expect assaults, verbal abuse and unwanted attention if we wear certain clothes. Don't undervalue the freedom you've had from that as a man.

(Although it concerns me you go to joints where men get beaten up by other men for wearing running shorts. Was that a bit of hyperbole for the thread's sake?)

Neil, I wouldn't want her to jeopordise her happiness on a point of principle or wanting to make a statement.

Absolutely, which is why it's a stupid thing for him to say, why say something inappropriate and jeopardise their happiness?