Confronting the Other Woman?

[PhoenixRising1979]

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

[KatieScarlett2833]

Ah, sorry

[KringleCandleLover]

His actions could be taken 2 ways.

Either he's been telling porkie pies to you both OR he pulled you away and didn't say much to stop you from digging a deeper hole and getting into trouble. Perhaps it was his way of stopping you from getting drawn into fisty cuffs.

Then when she came and spoke, perhaps he told her to fuck off as a way of again stopping you from escalating things.

I don't know.

[PhoenixRising1979]

That reminds me, one of the times I walked past again I overheard the friend say to the woman that she was really proud of how she handled herself and that she didn't fling my hand away or anything...do you really think he was pulling me away to end the situation as quick as possible out of fear?

[TheGinLushMinion]

On your original thread you listened to fuck all any of us said, you're now doing the same on this thread.
I'm not sure you're all the ticket tbh but you need to wake the fuck up & leave this woman alone! You know nothing about her-she may well have done nothing wrong, your DP on the other hand is a complete tosser & is the one you should be angry at.

[Lioninthesun]

There is no way your partner comes out of this well.

I doubt this woman has 'feelings' for him, especially if she has already reported him once. If you have been checking texts and found nothing then I think that says a lot from her POV.

What he does at work, you don't know. It seems strange he chose to take you to a club he knew she would be out at on your night out without the kids...

[rach2713]

Yes he was cuz I could tell you now if you done that to me I would have done it back to you. He didn't want the truth to come out that he's still chasing her and she's tellin him to f@#k off

[TeenyW123]

Having 2 linked threads is very confusing, especially now posters are trying to respond to the same issues in both.

If I can be bothered I'll stick with this one, but you're just not listening/understanding that it's your 'D'P you should be tackling about boundary crossing.

[KringleCandleLover]

I've just spoken to my DP. He's a policeman.

Yes, you could be arrested for common assault from what you've described but the chances of her reporting this(I'm guessing no bruises, cuts) are very slim.

My exh pulled me away when I did similar. It wasn't another woman, it was a relative. He dragged me away to stop things escalating so anything is possible.

I wouldn't get worked up about it. You have more important things to worry about.

[talksomesense]

I doubt she would get a backlash at work if your partner left! Sounds like he'd be doing the whole female staff a great service! Honestly, he sounds horrific.

[PhoenixRising1979]

Lioninthesun - I've checked his texts and found a few texts from her that he's never replied to. It's also the last chance we'd ever get to go to this club. She definitely had feelings for him at one point, she's there all the time he says even when not at work

Rach - you would have done what back to me?

[gobbynorthernbird]

Wow. Do you have no dignity or self-respect? Do you realise that anybody who saw this will think that you are completely unhinged? Your partner was the problem, but now you are too. I hope she reports this to HR and he gets sacked. Poor woman.

[PhoenixRising1979]

Teeny - I'm coming round, I just don't know what to think anymore. Up until this we'd been fine and now he's telling me that she's the silly woman who won't leave him alone and he's got us, so why he would do that, I just don't understand (I don't mean lie his way out of it, I mean why he'd do any of it when he has us)

[PhoenixRising1979]

Kringle - I really could get arrested on the word of two people with no real proof?

[WeAreDetective]

I really don't see what this woman has done wrong. I can understand her confusion!

[PhoenixRising1979]

WeAreDetective - texting my partner when he told her months ago to stay away from him and still speaking to him and work, and then last night texting him again when he had literally just told her to fuck off and leave him alone saying she was in tears and it ruined her night

[rach2713]

If you came up to me poking at me I wouldn't have stood there and let you do it

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Why doesn't he change his number or just block her - simple! Maybe because he doesn't want to.

[gobbynorthernbird]

I doubt your partner told her to stay away. I bet the text last night was because she has no idea what is/was going on.

[W00woo]

Hi

I can understand how you have got yourself so wound up about this, but try to look at this from her angle.

She looked confused. A man she is normally at the least friendly with exploded at her, swearing and telling her to stay away from him. To add to this, his wife shouting too. From your earlier posts it would not seem that that is the way he has been behaving - he may have not been answering texts etc but he has been working with her and I think I remember something about a lunch or similar away from the gossip.

If he is her senior and has had an inappropriate friendship (or more) with a junior, he can not lie to her and sideline her. It is not professional, and I think it would be harassment.

She is probably contacting him as she is now worried that he will be doing the sidelining again. This will get him into trouble and reflect poorly on your husband. Nobody is irreplaceable.

In the work context, it does not matter whether people get on, they like each other or if frankly they have been married and split up, they are generally expected to continue working together in professional way. So while he can stop the non work chat, he can not insist she stays away from him at work on professional matters.

I would bet there is somewhere a woman, slightly confused and very worried about what tomorrow will bring.

Your husband has caused you this hurt - it sounds like she backed off when she found out you were pregnant, read into that what you will about what happened before, and I suspect your husband has picked up the friendship again. Has she behaved perfectly - probably not - but she has not behaved as badly towards you as he has.

Fwiiw I suspect that this was/is some soft of emotional affair, but my interpretation based on her confusion, his pulling away and unusual explosion that this was more him than her.

Not sure what to advise except please don't let yourself approach her again and look at your relationship closely.

Hope you are ok.

[appletarts]

What??? You pushed her about and shouted at her in the street and you want her to leave you alone? I don't understand. Shame your partner couldn't leave her alone when he was meant to and sorry to point out the obvious but I bet he's still seeing her now which is why she looked confused, he probably told her you'd broken up or something. Anyway, all sounds very undignified. Why don't you hold dp responsible for his indiscretion and leave him in an adult and respectful fashion with head held high?

[PhoenixRising1979]

I blocked her on Viber so she couldn't message him anymore when she messaged him 3 months ago. Then he sent her a few messages meant for someone else saying nothing really but thats the only time he's replied, even when she's text merry christmas etc

[KringleCandleLover]

Unfortunately yes. Its how police find out facts. (That's my swing on things, dh not in the room).

[PhoenixRising1979]

Thank you for all replies, I genuinely mean that. Idon't know what I would have done today without here as a sounding board.

Woo - do you really think he was fine with her until shouting at her last night?

[PhoenixRising1979]

How do you mean its how police find out facts?

[HolidayArmadillo]

That poor woman, sounds like she has been harassed by your husband at work and then when on a night out with friends she gets harangued by this screeching harridan. If I were her I'd be lodging grievances anywhere I could.