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Original poster

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 26/01/2014 21:16

But are you angry at your partner?? I would be!

sykadelic15 · 26/01/2014 21:16

Why are you angry at her? She was reacting to what he told her, just as you are reacting to what he's told you.

She's a victim of his lies too. You have to see that.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:16

I am, but I feel almost numb. She apparently offered to speak to me if I wanted, which has annoyed me as its like she 'has' to be the better person

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 26/01/2014 21:19

Or maybe she is trying to unpick the lies because she feels as duped and you in all this

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:22

How is she trying to unpick the lies?

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 26/01/2014 21:23

Fucksake. Don't speak to her if you don't want to, but you need to get over feeling like she's conspiring against you.

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 21:23

I kinda understand this.

Objectively, we can see that this is a young soppy woman who was conned by a senior co-worker into thinking he wasn't in a relationship with his child's mother any more. By the time she found out he was still living with you, she was in too deep and doubtless he made out you were apart but living together. Then came the pregnancy and your control measures and he was a coward.

But to YOU she's a woman who didn't walk away quick enough, says she's in love with your partner and you'e facing up tonight to the possibility he feels the same. You're jealous and sad and that's coming out as anger to her.

But honey, it's HIM who deserves that anger and contempt.

WeAreDetective · 26/01/2014 21:24

By wanting to see you.

She's realised how much he has lied to both her and also to you.

Talking directly is one way of stopping him spouting bollocks any more

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 21:25

I really don't mean to cast aspersions but is it at all possible that you're letting yourself 'read in' a bit here? It's not just that someone from his work would let you know cold (rather than confronting him or telling HR that two people, one in a relationship with someone she knew, were being overly affectionate on company time) in the first place but also why a 25 year old woman would agree to talk to a friend of yours on the phone. Surely she'd be terrified?

It just doesn't make sense. Could you possibly be trying to force you partner into admitting to what you think he's done by presenting him with evidence of an affair, even where that evidence is, at best, inconclusive.

If not, what more do you need to know? He's an office predator who might or might not have had an affair with a particular person.

What is it you actually WANT out of the situation?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 21:27

You lot are all as bad as the other "3rd party" participants in this ridiculous drama.

I am surprised to see people still here, still engaging.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:27

Tonandfeather - I wish you weren't right but you may have hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel. There's also an element of her being so pretty, why does she choose MY partner when she could have anyone she wanted?!

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/01/2014 21:27

Stop being such a fool! You are angry at her? and still walking hand in hand with a cheat?

Bin him, and recognise that she was AS lied to as you.

All in all, neither is worth a second of your time.

Walk away and you end up being the better person.

Accosting her in the street, and you are wholly in the wrong.

Hissy · 26/01/2014 21:28

Your DP is only your DP as long as he decides to be.

You can't control or change what he is.

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 21:31

You're right, AnyFucker. I feel compromised and dirty and I will get a friend to phone a mutual friend to give me a good talking to.

Arkina · 26/01/2014 21:32

CCTV would show a grainy image of you talking. Are you serious? this isnt 1980. CCTV is probably HD will show exactly what happened. its invaluable for police in getting evidence.

police wont give a monkeys whats been going on between her and your hubby what theyll be interested in is you assaulting and harassing her.

You better hope she doesn't report it. shes got a witness and possible cctv

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 21:33

No.

The question here is why are you still with someone who told another woman he loved her, was all over her in the office, failed to acknowledge you even existed and then lied to you for months?

Then set you up last night to confront her at a place he knew she was going to be?

Where is he right now? What's he been saying all day while you've been dealing with the fall out?

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:33

She did actually go to the police as she was advised to by a bouncer and was told that she shouldn't have got up after me and that the poking didn't class as an assault, apparently

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:35

He went home, I went to my friends and for a walk

I also don't understand why he didn't tell me he knew she was going to be there or didn't say anything to her beforehand?

OP posts:
Arkina · 26/01/2014 21:35

If I was her Id be taking taking that further. Some random person coming up to you in a pub shouting at you and poking you DOES constitute an assault

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 21:36

No, that didn't happen. She didn't say any of that. Neither did any cop.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:39

My friend whose house I'm at now said that he's probably going to apologise to her tomorrow

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 26/01/2014 21:42

You are still here talking to us, person you need to be having words with is your partner.

And she is single, she can choose anyone she likes, she can only have them, if they choose her, whereas your partner isn't free to choose, having already made his choice to be with you. Now stop concentrating your rage on her, she is 10 years younger and probably naive because she fell for his spiel. He however cheated on you.

Lavenderhoney · 26/01/2014 21:43

Having read this thread

If I was the woman in the club, who had already been to HR about being sidelined I would be straight back in there Monday morning.

I would want to speak to your dp about it, which HR might advise me not to do. I would contemplate calling the police as my friends might have advised, but I would probably talk to HR first about either them sorting it out and moving me to another dept or him moving.

I would be very upset at being accused and poked ( wtf!) by a random woman in a club whist minding my own business. Of course I would say I would speak to her to set her mind at rest I had no interest in her dp, after all I had already been to HR about him.

She is stuck between complaining all out harassment from your dp and him losing his job and being unable to get another and not support you. And hoping he goes away. Unfortunately he is a twunt who won't, and he appears to have convinced you its her! You think!?

OP, calm down, apologise to her and mean it, and think about what has happened. She clearly isn't interested in him. She might have been, til she found out her had a gf who was pregnant- NOT her fault - but really- you need to calm down and stop accusing her.

Stay away from these mutual friends who seem to love the drama in your life. And hope the police don't come knocking. I'd be apologising and not badgering for details from her.

Dontlaugh · 26/01/2014 21:43

Whoever this man is, hasn't he done well out of this whole sorry mess??
Get rid, he's a knob.
Don't worry about the other woman, it's him you should be poking out the door.

MsWinnieBaygo · 26/01/2014 21:44

I don't believe the post about the police tbh. I also don't understand why she would tell a friend of yours so much.