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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:

Original poster

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 20:37

Sorry, no I understand that (as much I can get my head around any of this), I meant more why would he tell her I'd help her and be nice to her...and then not be able to look at her all last week

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 20:37

Of course she's broken.

The man she's in love with turned on her last night after you'd shoved her and gave her a mouthful too.

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/01/2014 20:38

Actually thats not strictly true that there has to be an "affair", when I was young I had a boss who made my stomach churn, literally, just being in the same room as him would give me butterflies, he was all over me, all the time, we chatted, but never spoke out of work and nothing ever "actually" happened, we would hug and flirt etc, dance together at work dos and be pretty inseparable.

All unspoken and innuendo.

One night he turned up at a works do with one of our clients, who he was having an affair with.

I told him to go fuck himself and we had a huge row.

One day soon after (small firm) he called me into his office to apologise. He said he had come to work the next day expecting everyone to say I had been over reacting, and basically every one we worked with had bollocked him, saying he couldn't behave the way he had and not expect repercussions.

This was all a very long time ago and I was very young and naive - outwardly you would have thought things had happened, but nothing actually ever did.

I certainly would never behave like it now - nor would I expect DH to. But things like OP is describing without actually anything physical happening.

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 20:38

Because he's in love with her. He's ben trying to get her to resume things for months.

I'm real sorry to say that to you.

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/01/2014 20:39

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:34:50
I don't know, my friend said she sounded 'broken'

Weekends - are you going to say because he still wants her? Or wants her to be?

HE is saying what he thinks you want to hear to save his own arse.

Straitjacket · 26/01/2014 20:41

At THE very least, it was an emotional affair. The love word was used,they were affectionate with each other and turned to one another for support and to sound off.

It seems to me he was hoping for it to become more, but then you announced your pregnancy which put a stop to it which she did.

The fact he isn't even being honest about it and is still lying to you speaks volumes about how much he respects you, plus the EA on top. I would be kicking him out pronto!

coffeeinbed · 26/01/2014 20:41

Do they manage to get any work done, at their so called workplace?
You know, in between the gossip, meddling, hair stroking and shouting?

Original poster

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 20:43

You actually think he's in love with her too?

My friend said the woman broke down in tears saying that she was so sure he felt the same and if I hadn't got pregnant he would have left me. She was so sure because of how he was in public, so sure because clients had assumed they were together

She told my friend she never wanted to hurt me and until last night never felt any animosity towards me, just sad. And that he mentioned my name maybe 4 times in 5 months

OP posts:

WeAreDetective · 26/01/2014 20:44

Oh your husband has a hell of a lot to answer for. What are you going to do??

WeAreDetective · 26/01/2014 20:45

Sorry! Partner, not husband

Original poster

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 20:47

And that she'd offered to be moved to another supervisor and he said no and started back tracking, then a few days later I came in and saw her there, we had an argument, I banned him from having anything to do with her, and she said he said he couldn't do this anymore but talking about the work project and made a total fool of her, which destroyed her

OP posts:

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/01/2014 20:47

I very much doubt he would have left tbh.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/01/2014 20:47

I'm alternating between feeling desperately sorry for you, OP, and wanting to slap some sense into you. Bottom line is your partner has shit on you from a great hight and unless he starts to be honest right now there is no way you'll be able to save your marriage. Word of advice, don't believe a word he has said about any of this.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/01/2014 20:48

Not marriage, relationship

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 20:49

This is just what you were told on your other thread had happened wasn't it?

They were an item till you announced the pregnancy?

sykadelic15 · 26/01/2014 20:50

No I don't think he loves her, and I don't think he loves you either. He loves himself. He's being the "good guy" by staying with you because you got pregnant. If you hadn't he may have left you for her, may have left her for someone else...

Doesn't really matter anyway. What DOES matter is he's been lying to you about her stalking him, about his part in the affair (emotional and/or sexual), about her texting him and him texting her.

He's been cheating on you. A good way to find out for sure is if she knows the actual PIN number. I don't know my male work colleagues PIN numbers (I know my female colleagues 'cause I get her lunch but she has to write it down for me because I deliberately forget it). That's pretty telling of how close they are/were.

If you want more proof check the phone bills.

I'd LTB... for not other reason that he'd lied and there was no trust there anymore (and I'm sorry bt I'm not the kind to be able to build that back up and I shouldn't have to).

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 20:51

OP, forgive me, but are you known as a bit of a character? Do you come across as a bit brash and well acquainted with the teachings of the school of hard knocks? I only ask because there seems to be a lot of third party involvement in what should really be an issue between he two of you and it might be that some of those third parties are either lighting the blue touch paper or exaggerating things because they either think it's what you want to hear or are resentful to have been wrapped in your dirty laundry but too fearful to climb out the basket.

Original poster

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 20:59

Yes, Tonandfeather, it is what you said. She said the day before we went on holiday he was stroking her neck standing behind her...then a week later he comes back and tells her that

Syka - she told my friend the number and it was the right one to his card

Tinsel - No, not really, I have a professional job and normal life...until this weekend apparently

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 26/01/2014 21:06

I'm sorry Phoenix, but I'm sure he's lied to you. What you do about it now is up to you.

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 21:07

I wasn't on your other thread, but I agreed with some posters take on it.

I stick by what I said on this one. I don't think co-workers in modern times are this affectionate when they aren't physical outside of the office.

I don't blame her too much for making out to your friend that they haven't shagged. She's probably a bit frightened you'd kick off again and it would drop him even more in the sticky stuff.

Does it make any difference though?

rainbowsmiles · 26/01/2014 21:09

Pheonix. What do you think happened? Would you stay with him if there had been an affair. Do you really want to stay with a man you have to check up on through 3rd parties and spy on? Can you get him to move out for a few days? Have you a mum who can come and help with baby and listen to you and give you good advice. You need some real life help. You seem unable to accept what is glaringly obvious and are hanging onto really unimportant points or occurrences in this mess.

You need to let him know what you know, how you know it and discuss it. You sound really young. Is your partner a lot older than you?

Original poster

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:10

If everything she said is true? I don't know, I can't live like this

I'm still angry at her and I can't shake that

OP posts:

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 21:10

OK. I just don't get this whole involvement of other people, thing. Or why someone from his work would contact you in the first place.

Really, from the outset, how much of this information has arrived unsolicited and how much have you pushed for it? People have office affairs a lot and other people always know. They don't generally report the behaviour to people's partners.

At the end of the day, you can either live with the certain knowledge you'll never know the truth or bail.

If your driven to trying to wring information out of her, via third parties, rather than feeling confident in taking his word you may as well get out while you can.

Surely nothing can be more traumatic, or embarrassing than this carry on?

Original poster

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 21:11

No, she's 10 years younger, we are both 35

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 26/01/2014 21:14

She's saying the same things as this mutual friend of yours said. Their accounts are virtually identical. She wasn't to know you had an insider reporting back on the physical affection that was going on. Yet it all matches up.

Are you angry with him?

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