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Original poster

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:
Hatpin · 26/01/2014 17:50

Has it not occured to you OP that if they both knew the other was going last night that they will have had a conversation about it beforehand?

She probably said she wouldn't cause any trouble with you and he probably told her you don't know who she is, so not to worry. They both probably agreed to ignore each other.

You don't have access to the dialogue which is undoubtedly going on between them. He doesn't need to reply to her texts by text. He probably replies later by another method.

And the mistaken text - testing the water definitely. MM used to do it to me all the time. Some inane e-mail saying nothing, to see if I would reply.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2014 17:52

OP here's the reason she texted him to say she was upset and it had ruined her night. It was because she was upset and it ruined her night.

The reason she texted him is because they are always texting each other. Just because you don't see the texts, doesn't mean they don't exist.

She has already reported him once at work (for harrassing her? For discriminating against her because she'd knocked him back?) so if I were her I would report him again. The fact that he is more senior than her will not count in his favour. In fact it will be worse because he will be seen as using his position of power inapprorriately.

He tried to pull you away last night before the woman had a chance to say to you "Hold on Phoenix, you do realise he's the one that's been unable to leave me alone, persuing me and throwing his toys out of the pram when I said no"

The reason they fell out whe you got pregnant is because he had told her his marriage was over, you didn't sleep together, just stayed together for the DC / mortgage / appearances / because you're a bit barmy, whatever. When you got pregnant she would have clocked on that that was all a crock of shit.

He sent her texts meant for someone else? Really? That old chestnut!

He is lying to you. Every step of the way. Concentrate on him, not her

GarlicReturns · 26/01/2014 17:57

Ton - Gunz - Doha - None so blind as those that will not see Confused

You are going through a horrible time, Phoenix, and I'm sad for you. You're not helping yourself by blaming Ms Pretty for a problem in your relationship, though.

JenBehavingBadly · 26/01/2014 18:01

Having read both threads, she looked confused as she's done nothing wrong and had no idea at all why you'd be attacking her.

If someone I worked with did that to me, I'd want to know why. I'd also be bloody upset if someone had ruined my night out.

Your OH is a toad. If I was her I'd be straight to HR in the morning.

Cabrinha · 26/01/2014 18:05

Sending an accidental message. Well you know, to my embarrassment I've considered it. Never done it!

But you - send something really obviously for someone else to ex boyfriend you're no longer in context with. In my mind, he'd reply to let me know and most importantly, he'd be really pleased to now have the opportunity to have a little chat during which (as my fantasy goes) he remembers how funny and cool and I am.

Fact is, it's fucking transparent and embarrassing, hence I've never done it. Just mooned around imagining how it would lead to more.

I think that's why he did it.

HelloBoys · 26/01/2014 18:09

To be honest work could quite easily say "this incident happened outside of the office" eg what you get up to outside office has no bearing on what happens inside the office.

This could happen despite the HR stuff re sexual harassment.

YoBitch · 26/01/2014 18:09

there is no way two colleagues would be touching each other in that way unless they were either massively flirting or seeing each other. it just wouldn't happen. she's confused because she knows he likes her. he's covering his arse. you are not going to get the truth out of him at this stage. all your instincts are telling you something's not right - now you have to decide whether you are going to listen to them or not. that's the crux of it now - do you trust yourself enough to believe yourself?

akawisey · 26/01/2014 18:10

I'm with you Cab.

akawisey · 26/01/2014 18:15

No Yo they wouldn't, and my ex would confirm that OP since he had an affair at work and did those touchy things in public.

But really. The person you could be having this out with is HIM. And if you're not satisfied with his responses you can tell him you want time out to think about this relationship because it isn't great, is it?

str8tothepoint · 26/01/2014 18:17

Do all women always attack or have it out with the OW/OM??? And let the DP go away scot free??

MilanBlu · 26/01/2014 18:28

Str8tothepoint. Because some women are made to believe that their DP could never do anything wrong (him usually the one who has made her like this) so they believe it is all the OWs fault, it is not uncommon in my circle of friends

PrincessPeashooter · 26/01/2014 18:32

OP seems to forget that at the time there was supposed to be reciprocal flirting her 'D'P had not even mentioned that the OP existed. Even if there had been something going on it was not this woman's fault, she had been lied to. When she found out about him she told him she wanted nothing more to do with him yet he kept approaching her! But according to the OP she is totally the one to blame Hmm and is stalking him??

Your partner sounds like a lying unfaithful dick and you are acting like a utter loon.

PrincessPeashooter · 26/01/2014 18:34

Oh, you might need to think about getting back to work earlier than you planned. There is a strong possibility that your partners job is now on the line and he will struggle to find anything remotely comparable after being dismissed for sexual harassment.

Cabrinha · 26/01/2014 18:38

PrincessPeaShooter I think the back to work early plan is good advice, but for a different reason: because he should LTB.

I don't know, I suppose an affair is an affair... but seems an extra high grade kind of arsehole that'd be openly cuddling their affair partner at work?
(And - yuck, how unprofessional and awkward for everyone else. Even if the two were married, if they worked for me I'd tell them to cut it out in work time!!)

gobbynorthernbird · 26/01/2014 18:45

There is nothing to say there was an affair except the word of a 'concerned' friend. Who seemed hell bent on shit stirring.

akawisey · 26/01/2014 18:45

Didn't stop mine Cab and in some 'professional' circles it happens a lot.

PrincessPeashooter · 26/01/2014 18:50

Come on Cab I think it's fairly obvious that her partner could begging his colleague for sex and getting sharply turned down in front of the OP and she would still twist it to hussy trying to steal my man. This relationship is only ending when he gets a better offer.

Also, a person is not guilty when they think their BF is single. He had (or tried to have) an affair, but from what the OP has posted the 'OW' is blatantly innocent.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 19:40

Well I'm sat here in tears. The friend I mentioned earlier did Garlic's suggestion and contacted this woman on Facebook asking the truth

OP posts:
MilanBlu · 26/01/2014 19:43

PhoenixRising1979 Where is your partner at the moment?

HelloBoys · 26/01/2014 19:47

I don't think your partner will be fired OP as this happened outside the office.

But he may well get a warning IF and only IF the 'OW' complains.

I think you need to have it out with your DP and get the truth. And get thee to therapy over your jealous behaviour.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 19:49

She said that they never slept together or anything like that, but he was veryaffectionate to her, touching her hair/her all the time, showing genuine interest in her life, would talk and he told her how beautiful she was, and how being with her made him happy and he looked forward to seeing her and even mentioned the L word and she was so sure of him as he was so blatant. He would stand and stroke her neck in public, she even knows his card's pin number.

When I came in in the summer time he told her I was pregnant but didn't sound happy about it and that after the lying work wise she told him to stay away. He kept trying to say hi and the like and then had that argument where he said how awkward it is that she wasn't acknowledging him when he tried to acknowledge hher and she told him she had nothing to say to him and at work she would be professional but beyond that wanted nothing to do with him.

Then when the job brought them into contact again he started being nice like he used to be when they were alone, but didn't acknowledge her in front of people but sometimes if he caught her in the car park he'd rant to her about stufflike he used to or ask about her. She said she gave him something in September time that she won in a raffle but that he'd like and he accepted it excitedly. Shealso said there was that familiarity but with an awkward element in the mix now

Theres more but I'll put that in a separate post

OP posts:
WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/01/2014 19:51

why the hell is this woman getting so involved?? It is not her place to. Did you ask her to or has she just decided to interfere anyway? You know interfering in someone elses marriage/relationship just isn't on.

rach2713 · 26/01/2014 19:54

You have to be careful she doesn't get you done for harassment

MadBusLady · 26/01/2014 19:55

Urgh. So basically he was auditioning her for the role of OW, and got knocked back when she realised you were pg.

I'm sorry, phoenix, what a scumbag he is.

MadBusLady · 26/01/2014 19:55

BTW, I am assuming the friend who contacted her is the friend you have confided in about all this, not the "mutual work friend" who's been relaying bits and pieces from the workplace.