His ex is still in love with him. I've told him to stop encouraging it

[painpaingoawaycomeagainanother]

That's it really.
It has felt like I am in a princess Diana like relationship. Though he is saying he didn't want to hurt her so would always reply to her messages on facebook/ send her birthday cards/ arrange to skype with her.
He has been her rock over the years, she has some emtional problems has felt suicidal.
We got engaged a couple of months ago and she has never congratulated him/ never asks about me.
Each of her messages start with hi honey and end with love you always xxxxxxxx
I have put up with this for over a year but it reached the the point where he was feeling uncomfortable with how she addresses himso he wrote her an email saying that he wants us all to be able to be firneds and doesn't feel alright about the hi honeys and love you always xxxx etc.
Initially she replied saying of course I understand,take care.
Then last night she sent him 2 1000 word letters with kisses, love you always and heaps of sentimental chat about how rejected she feels by him.
I told DP that she's in love with him so any scrap he gives her it will lead her.
He said he'd been ignoring the fact she loves him because he doesn't want to hurt her.
But what about me???
I've had to put up with feeling he's getting ego strokes all year and him and her are laughing in my face.
It bothers me that he lack boundaries and I know for myself that I can't relax wholeheartedly with him because of this.
He says he loves me he's sorry, he had no idea it hurt me so much and says he will just not respond.
Ahhh I wish this problem would go away.
Has anyone else experiences this, any advice?
ps He has LOADS of female friends whoI enjoy good genuine friendships with. I spent xmas day with the beautiful mother of his daughter so I'm not threatened but with this woman,because she wont stop til' she gets him back and doesn't want to see himhappy in his relationship it's a different matter.

That's it really.
It has felt like I am in a princess Diana like relationship. Though he is saying he didn't want to hurt her so would always reply to her messages on facebook/ send her birthday cards/ arrange to skype with her.

He has been her rock over the years, she has some emtional problems has felt suicidal.

We got engaged a couple of months ago and she has never congratulated him/ never asks about me.
Each of her messages start with hi honey and end with love you always xxxxxxxx

I have put up with this for over a year but it reached the the point where he was feeling uncomfortable with how she addresses him so he wrote her an email saying that he wants us all to be able to be friends and doesn't feel all right about the "hi honeys and love you always" xxxx etc.

Initially she replied saying of course I understand,take care.
Then last night she sent him 2 1000 word letters with kisses, love you always and heaps of sentimental chat about how rejected she feels by him.

I told DP that she's in love with him so any scrap he gives her it will lead her.

He said he'd been ignoring the fact she loves him because he doesn't want to hurt her.

But what about me???

I've had to put up with feeling he's getting ego strokes all year and him and her are laughing in my face.

It bothers me that he lack boundaries and I know for myself that I can't relax wholeheartedly with him because of this.

He says he loves me he's sorry, he had no idea it hurt me so much and says he will just not respond.

Ahhh I wish this problem would go away.

Has anyone else experiences this, any advice?

ps He has LOADS of female friends whoI enjoy good genuine friendships with. I spent xmas day with the beautiful mother of his daughter so I'm not threatened but with this woman,because she wont stop til' she gets him back and doesn't want to see himhappy in his relationship it's a different matter.

My eyebrows hit the roof reading this.

Is this the first time that he's accepted how much it hurts you and agreed to change? If so, I'd give him some time to see if he is capable of changing. But if he isn't I don't see how you can continue with this relationship.

It's deeply dysfunctional that neither he or his ex seem able to appeciate what it means to end a relationship. It's not possible to carry on being each other's rock, to love each other always and to prioritise their needs above all others.

I couldn't be in a relationship with this man, who doesn't understand that what he is doing is so damaging to the two women.

Either doesn't understand, or understands perfectly, and is doing it nonetheless.

Take your pick.

She sounds infuriating btw. What kind of person calls out their ex for making them feel rejected? You're supposed to feel rejected by an ex! She seems deeply in denial about their relationship to an extent that makes me think he has to have been encouraging it.

How and when did they split?

When in expressed my pain earlier on in the RL he said that I can't stop him from having friendships. They're good friends etc and made out like it was my issue.

He let me see their messages and no he hasn't said I love you/kisses to her however he knew she had feelings for him and he encouraged it by trying to continue the friendship they had when they were both single (She lives in a different country)
He had been to saty with her the summer before we got together and slept with each other but have been friends for many many years
I was so adamant I didn't want to be the GF that gives ultimatums because I wanted him to make that decision he's not a little boy.
I tie up loose ends with ex's before I get with someone that's what I expect of my partners.

I was once in a relationship like this. It turned out that my ex had huge insecurity issues and it stroked his ego to feel "needed" by his ex, so he kept stringing her along, refusing to actually physically cheat but emotionally cheating all the while.

They were each other's first love, so that was his excuse when I called him out on it. And he "didn't want to hurt her"

If he doesn't respond anymore, then good - he's taken your views on board and respects you. If he keeps feeling compelled to reply, then it doesn't look good, I'm afraid.

Why has he got LOADS of female friends? Some men cultivate them and enjoy all the attention.

Yes I think we have all enjoyed having our ego's stroked in this way but expect more of a 40 year old man.
I learnt this bitching lesson when I was in my late teens.
a) to let people move on if I have no interest in a RL with them.
b) to leave men alone if they're in a relationship.
I'm worried that his moral compass is fucked in this very integral area.

He doesn't want to hurt her... But he's happy enough to hurt you. That says it all really. If he ever replied to her again that would be the end of the relationship for me.

He sounds like a bit of a character. A 'loving' ex and a daughter by another woman you end up spending Christmas Day with?

I hate to sound harsh, but this sounds like a chap who wants a Simon Cowell style harem rather than a devoted one to one relationship. If he were that into you, you wouldn't have to tell him 1000 word missives and endearing pet names aren't right. I think you really need to face the distinct possibility that they're on rather a little more than 'friendly terms' and that her 'emotional issues' aren't merely a rather flimsy cover for having steak at home followed by steak at hers, followed by pudding elsewhere and cheese and biscuits later.

He sounds like a sexual Six Dinner Sid, in fact.

Run like the wind, OP.

Yes he said he will block her on FB.
I can see her stirring up trouble as they have quite a few mutual friends in the UK and I don't want her to label me as the jealous wife.(Not that we are married yet)

Sorry this is a stream of conciousness, I can see how silly that looks in black and white and anyway all of our real life (not online predominantly) friends know that I'm easy going.

Now I've admitted my pain to him (that I've been holding down all this time) I need to build my trust in him. But the truth is, I feel out of my depth and incapable of functioning in a RL that has truthfully actually been painful throughout.

This would concern me.You are supposed to be in the honeymoon stage of your relationship and he is not respecting your boundaries.He either needs to have this adoration or he enjoys the insecurity it brings out in you.

You have a reasonable boundary which is healthy and he is trying to make you feel controlling for enforcing that boundary.Your instincts are right on this, he has reasons for maintaining this relationship but is not openly sharing them..I don't buy the excuse of 'I'm just a nice guy'.Why not tell him that you think this is about his ego?

Could this be a way of avoiding commitment? Does this ex pre-date the relationship with the mother of his child?

It seems unlikely that he didn't realise that it's inappropriate, more likely that he enjoys the attention. Or the security of having someone in the background so he is never really single even between other relationships.

Don't marry him, OP. If they have no together, there is no need for him to have any contact. Any.

I'm willing to bet he's never really met your emotional needs. The danger is that you could get so embroiled in the battle to 'win' him - thereby supplanting all others in his affections - that you allow a gesture of commitment (engagement, marriage etc) to mask the fact that there is no genuine commitment, empathy or tenderness in his actions.

It is not worth it and it will not end well. You are clearly a very caring and considerate person, able to accept his friendships and capable of making your own. Don't let him take that away from you.

No children, sorry. Inept fingers and caffeine shakes!

Yes yes all of these things you're saying.
No I can see it for what it is,I am in conflict.
He has boundary issues he is being a people pleaser to try and keep us all happy and keep his identity as a 'good guy' but when I pointed out that it is at the expense of me who has offered my devotion and love to him he said he was sorry.
I said I have worked with this alone for a year treating myself like a mental patient with Othello complex or something when I would have been much better off if I had just said I can't put up with this from the word go.
Why do I always think everything must be my issue to work through?

I'm exhausted lonely and experiencing deep disappointment in him and myself.
He has allowed this toxic woman into our space she has encroached our RL and he did nothing to protect us.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP, but a few things ring Alarm bells that would prevent me from marrying such a man.

Firstly, he is keeping her hanging on out of respect for HER feelings, not yours.

Secondly, and most alarmingly, is that he is making this YOUR issue and therefore YOUR fault when you are clearly level headed enough to spend the days with his other ex and not bat an eyelid.

Thirdly, he is only offering to stop contact with her to please you and not because he agrees that it is wrong.

You can't trust him and if you're wondering now and there is doubt about him, then times that by ten when you're married. Not all blokes are like this. You deserve better. He clearly can't let go of other women.

He is not over her.

now*

He might not be in love with her, but he is definitely not over her.

Yes that was my argument, he is thinking about her feelings over mine.
He argues that he has been blunt in his responses to her (which is true) so that nshe just lets go of her own accord. In her emotional waffle email she said that she has felt him pulling away in the past year and she has been angry hurt by this as he's always been there for her.
I asked how he would feel if this women was a neighbour of ours and he'd received such an email and she was round ours having a cuppa, he said well it would be a bit awkward.
Im really gutted we'd planned to have children,get married and we've been making our home together but now I feel like I can't get round this and may have to break off our engagement. Double shame that we have loads of mutual friends.

It must be difficult to read these negative opinions. It reminds me of someone I knew who wanted everyone, even strangers, to see him as a good guy. Opening doors , being very polite , that sort of thing. He was like this with an ex too but I think it was part of him not wanting a fully committed relationship with anyone. By that I mean not sharing hopes and dreams, not that he would have an affair.

Anyway, I think the longer you stay in this relationship the more likely that you'll have your self-esteem destroyed. It'll be hard work. Is the sex really that great?

No need to ask what she gets from all this but what keeps your DP enmeshed? Was she lurking when he got together with his ex gf and fathered their DC?

Is he a few years' older than you OP? It occurs to me he rather likes the cachet of an adoring female admirer abroad. Far away enough not to suffocate him with any demands yet attentive and never fault finding. An unspoken reproof may sometimes be, you are perhaps lacking in sophistication, maybe possessive or even needy. When he is effectively saying to you "Watch out you're not irreplaceable!"

I am so sorry you're in this situation. All my red flags are waving for you.

It just sounds so very one-sided. And he sounds full of excuses a grown man has no right to make.

Beware the dynamic here - he is responsible for his actions and lack thereof, not you. To make you feel unreasonable for asking him to man up and stop being a self-centred idiot is just nasty. He will continue to do this in all aspects of the relationship if you stay. I only know this because I've been there and wilfully ignored the billowing scarlet signifiers.

Your mutual friends probably see the situation far more clearly than you realise. It's hardly the first time he's behaved horribly towards women, is it? I think you will get more sympathy than you think if you leave now. If you stay, they're more likely to take a 'well you knew what he was like when you married him' approach when, eventually, you can't take any more.

He isn't worth the emotional investment. He is vampiric. Place your hopes and dreams elsewhere and hide the key from him.

Above all, take care of yourself.

Does this woman have children with him. Sorry I think I might have missed something. If not why on earth are they still communicating in anyway when she clearly needs to move on and get over him.