His ex is still in love with him. I've told him to stop encouraging it

[painpaingoawaycomeagainanother]

That's it really.
It has felt like I am in a princess Diana like relationship. Though he is saying he didn't want to hurt her so would always reply to her messages on facebook/ send her birthday cards/ arrange to skype with her.
He has been her rock over the years, she has some emtional problems has felt suicidal.
We got engaged a couple of months ago and she has never congratulated him/ never asks about me.
Each of her messages start with hi honey and end with love you always xxxxxxxx
I have put up with this for over a year but it reached the the point where he was feeling uncomfortable with how she addresses himso he wrote her an email saying that he wants us all to be able to be firneds and doesn't feel alright about the hi honeys and love you always xxxx etc.
Initially she replied saying of course I understand,take care.
Then last night she sent him 2 1000 word letters with kisses, love you always and heaps of sentimental chat about how rejected she feels by him.
I told DP that she's in love with him so any scrap he gives her it will lead her.
He said he'd been ignoring the fact she loves him because he doesn't want to hurt her.
But what about me???
I've had to put up with feeling he's getting ego strokes all year and him and her are laughing in my face.
It bothers me that he lack boundaries and I know for myself that I can't relax wholeheartedly with him because of this.
He says he loves me he's sorry, he had no idea it hurt me so much and says he will just not respond.
Ahhh I wish this problem would go away.
Has anyone else experiences this, any advice?
ps He has LOADS of female friends whoI enjoy good genuine friendships with. I spent xmas day with the beautiful mother of his daughter so I'm not threatened but with this woman,because she wont stop til' she gets him back and doesn't want to see himhappy in his relationship it's a different matter.

His boundary issues would really worry me, tbh. Because good boundaries are what helps keep a marriage faithful - start breaching those, and it's a shortish walk from "close colleague" to "close friend" to affair. Recognising those lines being crossed is pretty important.

He already said that he was under duress when he wrote to her to put some boundaries down.

And that's petulant, as well as childish and again, lacking adult conceptions of boundaries/responsibility for your own choices.

I'd not be in any hurry to set a wedding date, tbh. I'm really sorry.

You aren't in the wrong here. It isn't up to you to 'get your head round it'. It's up to him to grow a pair and be emotionally honest with you.

Please, please don't fall into the trap of thinking the correspondence you see is likely all there is. It's part of the gas lighting process. I have been there and it's likely he's spinning her a yarn about you as well as spinning one about her to you. There are some people nuts enough to stalk and pester without invitation but not many. If she is one, and he really didn't want to hurt her, wouldn't he cut off and urge her to seek psychiatric help instead of stringing her along.

Please, also, don't allow yourself to feel like you're foolish or naive. He sounds like a practised master of manipulation and, if it's any comfort, saw something in you he wanted very much - albeit for the wrong reasons - so has probably pulled out all the stops. There is no foolishness in care and kindness. Nor is there in optimism.

Good luck with your degree. That is an empowering move and something where your evident intelligence will reap considerable rewards for you. Whatever you do, do not give it up however stressful things get.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best.

The more I read of this, the more I think he is being emotionally abusive. This is having a terribly detrimental effect on your emotional well being OP- you can't eat or sleep, and yet he is unsympathetic and laying it all at your door.

As for the ex complaining that he has been "pulling away" from her over the last year- well does she actually KNOW they have split up? or in fact HAVE they split up?

Please listen to the other stories that wise posters have given you and leave to save yourself and your well being. Most men are much kinder than this.

Thanks, yes when we first got together he said that he had better tell this woman that we are now together. The thing is because their online communication hasn't changed from her side she probably thinks things are still the same. She seems to be very unstable but I think that's her ptoblem not ours.

You would be mad to marry this guy. He has no respect for you at all.

You are marrying this tool ?

Well we were planning to this summer but I am rethinking things now as my respect for and trust in him is damaged.
He's now hanging a curtain pole with much ceremony which I beleive is man language for Im sorry and can we just not talk about it and move on look what a good boy Im being eugh so over it :(

Yuk, pitiful creeping behaviour from him. Tell him to remove his nose from your arse and do what he should have done a long time ago and make you his priority.

Just as a aside, something that struck me when I read the early part of your thread. None of his behaviour is your fault, but I really hope you have had a lightbulb moment that playing "cool girlfriend" rarely works out well.

Saying 'is there anyone else I need to cut contact with" shows he doesn't get it and is still annoyed with you.

When I got together with dh, I had 3 'exes' I still saw- one is ds dad, another a good old friend, and the third a guy I'd shag occasionally. Dh said I'm sorry but I'm really uncomfortable with no 3. There's something not right...I emailed no 3 stopped contact. it was easy to do because I respect dh, I know he's not normally jealous, and simply because I care much more about him more than no 3.

That's a long winded way of saying your bf is behaving like a prick.

Does this guy have a gold plated dick or something? He is wasting your time. If you really want him, get angry and bring him into line. If he still thinks you are whingeing and "nagging" - DTL - Dump the Lump, my alternative to LTB. Been through this myself so feel angry for you!

Yes I've spent all day feeling angry then sad then angry again.
Im feeling really low.
Don't know whay to do really leaving in the middle of the term at uni will be pretty devastating on my grades.
Wondering if I should give him a chance.

Why would you need to leave Uni ? Can you transfer, for example ?

And you can still put the marriage plans on hold, even if you stay with him. Perhaps you need to do that to show him you are no longer prepared to be "cool gf" and that you mean business ie. it's your way or you are hitting the highway

I had one like this. He actually used to try and make me sympathise with him because he had to spin plates if all the poor suicidal nutcases he had to take responsibility for

Finally I realised what they had in common. Him.

You're already in counselling FFS because you think it's YOU.

It's him and always will be. He will never stop craving the importance he feels that all these flakes need him.

I kicked mine into touch when the scales fell and grew myself a healthy self esteem.

You're clever. Use it, read about men like this.

But please save yourself for a real man with healthy boundaries.

Self-centred narcissists like this man wont see the error of their ways. Theres a high sense of entitlement, he needs his ego stroked, & no amount of talking will change him. Even if he remains with you, you'll very likely be accused along the line of unfairly giving him ultimatums, and ruining his friendship emotional affair with his ex. She's a complete idiot. & he is cruel, underneath all this - he is aware he is eroding your stability in relationship and causing anxiety. Yet he wants to continue.

The only thing that will get through to him is a taste of his own medicine. Im not saying you could, or would do this OP. But if you did start the same behaviour with an ex, or a male friend - your man would hit the roof...a case of do as I say not as I do/whats sauce for the gander isnt for the goose. Then you'd see him as he really is...

Leaving him doesn't mean Uni is impacted surely, there must be realistic options.You can't see them now as you're in the fear stage.There will be an acceptable solution.

Please do not marry him as he is not ready.How old are you?

OP you can give him a chance - IF you can accept the situation as it is. He isnt going to change for the betterment of your relationship. & either way, the situation youre in now cant be doing your University study/grades much good at all. I really hope you rise above this, go get that degree, dont let this man impede you. & impede you he will, because its all about him. He's probably making his ex feel there's still a chance with him and thats why she cant/wont move on. I know its not easy to leave. But try to look down the years and be brutally honest with yourself as to whether this man and relationship will bring you happiness and meet your emotional needs, or whether the situation (which will not go away) will leave you feeling bitter, and that you've wasted your good years on him. Only you know if he's worth it. I dont think so, however...not from what you say. Good luck. Dont let him diminish who you are.

Why do you equate leaving him with leaving uni?

OP, is he an academic at this uni?

Ironically when my Ex (ex for many other reasons) did break contact with his ex, she was engaged within 8 months! He was "shocked at how quickly she had moved on" and even said that "for a laugh, maybe we should turn up at the wedding".

It looks like I actually did her the favour!

Hi thanks, Sorry lack of punctuation in previous post.. I woudn't have to leave uni. My grades would suffer if I left our home because they've already suffered form me moving from my house to his just because of general stress of moving in with an inconsiderate selfish oaf they would certainly suffer if I had to throw ally belongings away to lodge in a ro sonewhere (which is all I. Ould realistically afford on my own).
I will give another chance but not sure how to continue on with all these bad feelings inside of me.
Thanks for all your support.

Sorry iphone +sausage fingers= spelling errors!

No he's not an academic he has a job as he did uni years ago. (he's 40, Im 30).
I don't wven know what I want to see to convince me to givebit another shot, feels like too much has gone on. Too much of our time together has been with her at the back of my mind like a constant ghost present at all times.

Are you going to give him the ultimatum then ?

or has he managed to make you tie yourself into so many manpleasing knots you can't even open your trap any more ?

He's FORTY? And still pulling this crap?!

I asked if he was an academic because the environment can in some cases lead to permanently arrested development, and there's a standing joke that the 2nd wife is a PhD candidate he's supervised. If he has a normal job and is middle-aged, then he's just a manchild, isn't he?