His ex is still in love with him. I've told him to stop encouraging it

[painpaingoawaycomeagainanother]

That's it really.
It has felt like I am in a princess Diana like relationship. Though he is saying he didn't want to hurt her so would always reply to her messages on facebook/ send her birthday cards/ arrange to skype with her.
He has been her rock over the years, she has some emtional problems has felt suicidal.
We got engaged a couple of months ago and she has never congratulated him/ never asks about me.
Each of her messages start with hi honey and end with love you always xxxxxxxx
I have put up with this for over a year but it reached the the point where he was feeling uncomfortable with how she addresses himso he wrote her an email saying that he wants us all to be able to be firneds and doesn't feel alright about the hi honeys and love you always xxxx etc.
Initially she replied saying of course I understand,take care.
Then last night she sent him 2 1000 word letters with kisses, love you always and heaps of sentimental chat about how rejected she feels by him.
I told DP that she's in love with him so any scrap he gives her it will lead her.
He said he'd been ignoring the fact she loves him because he doesn't want to hurt her.
But what about me???
I've had to put up with feeling he's getting ego strokes all year and him and her are laughing in my face.
It bothers me that he lack boundaries and I know for myself that I can't relax wholeheartedly with him because of this.
He says he loves me he's sorry, he had no idea it hurt me so much and says he will just not respond.
Ahhh I wish this problem would go away.
Has anyone else experiences this, any advice?
ps He has LOADS of female friends whoI enjoy good genuine friendships with. I spent xmas day with the beautiful mother of his daughter so I'm not threatened but with this woman,because she wont stop til' she gets him back and doesn't want to see himhappy in his relationship it's a different matter.

He is not easily manipulated by singledom. He is vain and quite likes having female hangers on.

I do think its sad when women meets a guy with a female hanger-on and rather than see that as a red flag, believes his story that the ex isn't quite stable and he cant really get rid of her. I find it strange they dont appear to wonder what he is saying to the ex about them, to be honest. A man with lots of female friends needs an ego-stroking harem to validate him, & always will. Aside from MN there are enough posts internet-wide from women grieving over this. Such men are always charming and loving..after all, thats why women love them. But invariably, they leave their partners emotionally anxious and distressed. Anyway...theres a very long EA thread on here somewhere isnt there, amongst others...if you cared to look at that OP you'll find your man replicated there. Oh...and the ex is always unstable, clingy, needy, has/had mental issues.

I think that's MistressDeeCee the worst case and least hopeful/unlikely scenario here. He really loves me (as a noun and a verb) as I do him, he's done everything I've asked of him, I've learnt to be honest about how I feel and not try to be the cool girlfriend and he has learnt that she doesn't respect our boundaries and is therefore not positive for our relationship.
I do think we all deserve a chance and because I know him well I know he will do anything for me.
He has never seen her as threat because he has no interest in being with her whatsoever.
Isn't that what marriage is about, growing and learning through good and bad times, not jumping as soon as things become uncomfortable?

Why OP, was he still in contact with EW years down the line if he knew she had feelings for him? They had no reason to email, Skype whatever, no children. Ask yourself why she's so emotionally needy, what happened in their relationship that has prevented he from moving on with her life?
He's loving the attention.

Also like to add that HE does not respect your boundaries either.

Well not men are the same!
My DP is just a bit naive and thought he was being kind by still seeing her. He was easily manipulated that's all.
Four years on and I've had no reason at all to doubt him since so I did the right thing

He does brespect my boundaries but I have not voiced them until now.

In his mind they're mates, they have many mutual friends at a time in their lives when they were both single. He doesn't/didn't want to be horrible by cutting ties with her just because he was in a relationship. Most of their time as friends has not involved romantic love/relationship. From the sounds of things it seems he has been there for her through difficult times.

We have to remember that he has to also make a stand if he thinks my requests are unreasonable. I have to respect his boundaries too, I can't storm into his life and demand that he cuts his friend out, its not a decision to be taken lightly.

However having highlighted that it hurts me and that she is in love with him (which he was hoping would just fade away) and she shows no interest in our relationship he came to realise that yes she does drive a wedge between us.

He wrote to her to ask for their communication to be less emotional, less language like hi honey and love you.

She broke this boundary by responding with all of that and more.
I then gave him an ultimatum and asked him to choose as it would be impossible for us all to be friends now because she has disrespected me and tried to come between me and my fiancée.

All of this he agrees with and apologises for.

No it isn't easy on any of us actually, but all relationships have very big issues to hammer out before marriage and commitment and this is one of ours.

We rarely argue abut this has been a growing experience forboth of us.

So I would disagree he does respect me. He respects himself and he respects his friends.I have got a really good man here and I wont hear otherwise.

Thanks Kaluki, hope is the way forward
(Tony Benn)

You've put up with it for 18 months! That's not storming into his life, you've actually been very sensitive to his past and it has affected you ( such as seeing a counsellor) as its not just a friendship in the sense of how you conduct friendships with men and how much you would allow this type of relationship to form. You know this, or it wouldn't bother you and allow you to feel your relationship is threatened by her.

I doubt if he would put up with it from you. I hope it works out and he allows the space in his head to be filled with thoughts and time spent with you instead. But I suggest not to push him to secrecy with this woman. As in " I didn't tell you because you'd get upset"

You sound very nice, but don't let him take advantage of that.

yep, far too nice

Why has it taken you 18 months to say something about this situation. Are you constantly walking on eggshells?
Agree with Anyfucker, you're too nice.

No, I was just trying to split what was my shit and what was his.
I try to do the right thing.
I got to the point where I needed to not be so indicidualistic and ask the man loves me to help because it had got to the point where I was SO self aware that I know without doubt that for me this was a situation I could mever relax in without being in constant survival mode.
I don't want to stop growing as a person because Im always worrying. My happiness was at stake and in the end I put myself first and offered him an ultimatum. He wont be secretive because his one of core values is honesty.
He is truthful and this has hurt over the 18 months but Ive learnt thay I don't have to accept something just because it's transparent.
This has been a triumph for my empowerment and a celebration of our ability ad a couple to navigate our way through an extremely testing time.
I just wont have it that he is a bastard things aren't that simple in this case.

Ps excuse spelling errors again iphone!

Well you obviously know him better than any of us on here.

Sometimes we have to take a chance and follow our gut instincts and in my case (and hopefully yours) it paid off
Don't condemn the poor guy for being nice - there are too few of them around

Shit, OP. Um, in view of your latest update- WTF? One heart to heart where you had to spell out the bleeding obvious that a 16 year old school boy would be able to fathom (easily manipulated by being single? Seriously?) and now its all lovey dovey again. He's got you right back where he wants you. As I said before- Shit , OP. Best of bloody luck.

Honestly, OP, I think it's troubling that he "blamed" you for "having" to send her an email setting out boundaries. As an engaged man, he should have been determined to do that from respect for you. Similarly, his snitty asking if there was anyone else he needed to cut out does rather imply he saw nothing wrong with sustaining a relationship in which someone behaved as she did towards him.

Having said that, you know him, you know the relationship, and the choices must, obviously, been yours.

Isn't that what marriage is about, growing and learning through good and bad times, not jumping as soon as things become uncomfortable?

In a good marriage, where it's reciprocal and mutual and both of you try hard to do that for one another, yes. That's the ideal. But I would gently say that in your relationship, you have endured 18 months of hurt so severe you needed counselling over this woman, and he is only now agreeing to back away because you have given him an ultimatum and he is afraid to lose you. If he is genuinely aware of the enormity of the burden he placed on you, and sorry and regretful and determined to change his approach to relationships that may (this was an "is guaranteed to" but there will, in future, be "may"s) threaten your marriage then yes, great. But so far, all the work and attempts to learn and grow seem to have come from you, in an attempt to understand him and meet his needs. And that is sadly common, in marriages - one person servicing the other to the point of being a doormat - but it's not what marriage is all about IMO. The opposite.

What I'm saying is that he owes you a lot of support and reassurance and solidity from now on, because there is a lot of damaged trust and at best emotional laziness, and worst selfishness, to compensate you for. He's hurt you a lot. Swallowing that hurt and reframing it as mutual growth isn't really that ideal, I don't think - the person who needs to be doing the growing and having the counselling sounds like your fiance.

If you have taken fright at the barrage of posters telling you DP has behaved insensitively and thoughtlessly, I understand you want to defend him. If posting here helped you work stuff out, great.

I guess I find it a little hard to think he has reached the age of 40 and never thought you would in any way be irritated then upset by the continual communications from this particular woman he slept with a couple of summers' ago, amidst the throngs of beautiful women he keeps in touch with. At some point I personally feel it is considerate to have some kind of unwritten hierarchy of current partner, friends and ex-lovers.

However, if you are satisfied he is no longer supplementing your loyalty with ego strokes nor failing to acknowledge boundaries, good luck OP.

Everything perfect storm says.

Tbh, right when it started to occur to you she wasn't one of his local lame ducks/ Daniel in distress ( however you choose to view his friends) you had every right to say hold on, what's going on here? Is it going to be like this forever? You've invested 18 months, and more in a future. Next time he pisses you off, tell him at once. And let him think of a solution. Not you, sharing any responsibility for his actions and thoughts.

A friend of mine has just spilt with a man like this. He likes the advising and being confidante to these women. He kept it secret from her after she asked him to stop. He didn't, and was extremely secretive whilst wanting to get married, his deceit has really messed with her head. He still lied when confronted by evidence and one of the women. She is a calm, intelligent, beautiful and independent woman who said much the same as you all along. She now has trouble getting him to realise its over as he wants to " talk" all the time. There is nothing to talk about. Its the way he is, and she has had a bellyful of it. He can't understand why. No doubt he discusses it with all these ladies.

Good luck, and stop being so nice:) One day you could be exhausted from no sleep with children and realise he's not helping or in bed because he is already checking out by helping other women, chatting on text and phone, coffee here, lunch there. You might not be so inclined to see it as an opportunity to grow as a couple, more an opportunity to tell him to bugger off and do his life coaching elsewhere.

OP please take heed of these comments. If you could only have been a fly on the wall when I went through a similar situation with " Mr. Perfect"
I would not listen to a word of advice from close family and friends. I thought he was magical, never felt so loved, so needed. Now I've kissed at lot of frogs before and since, but his underhand manipulation made me need him all the more. In short I was being mentally abused. He left me when I was pregnant, he had lots of female hangers on too, but no friends. Even his own Mother warned me.I lost my job( a well paid one), 2 stone in weight. He was never there for me, don't lose sight of your needs, Please take care of yourself, you sound like such a nice woman.

OP very good luck with how it all works out. I have found men to be lovely creatures but genuinely clueless about what might or might not upset a woman. My X was very similar to yours, but we split up for other reasons not over a past related his. Nice man but totally dimwitted over how I would respond to his closeness to another woman who he had been in love with for years. I was supposed to just deal with it.

Dh is amazing and would never have any carry on with another woman like this but is blindsided in other ways such as during a discussion on money today telling me my facial expression when talking about the subject annoyed the hell out of him but he was trying his best to see my point of view. And genuinely couldn't understand why I flipped. We resolved the discussion but only after him eating much humble pie and me explaining shouting in a pregnancy hormone induced rage for half an hour!

Sometimes they need a sledgehammer approach but if the result is the desired one and he acts on this conversation then that is the main thing. The problem will be if he does not. As you say, deserving of a second chance to prove he can do this.

Keep us up to date with what goes on.

Continuing to plan the wedding

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1983914-To-think-this-cant-be-the-only-option-for-a-buffet-lunch

Good luck OP.

:) thankyou very much, feeling a lot better and closer than ever now that clouds have cleared

Why on Earth are you planning a wedding when you've got all this shit to deal with. Sorry but I think you are seizing the moment in the hope he won't slip away.
He's been so disrespectful of your feelings.
You know the saying; " Marry in haste, repent at leisure".
There will be more issues, I'm sorry to say.

Thanks