His ex is still in love with him. I've told him to stop encouraging it

[painpaingoawaycomeagainanother]

That's it really.
It has felt like I am in a princess Diana like relationship. Though he is saying he didn't want to hurt her so would always reply to her messages on facebook/ send her birthday cards/ arrange to skype with her.
He has been her rock over the years, she has some emtional problems has felt suicidal.
We got engaged a couple of months ago and she has never congratulated him/ never asks about me.
Each of her messages start with hi honey and end with love you always xxxxxxxx
I have put up with this for over a year but it reached the the point where he was feeling uncomfortable with how she addresses himso he wrote her an email saying that he wants us all to be able to be firneds and doesn't feel alright about the hi honeys and love you always xxxx etc.
Initially she replied saying of course I understand,take care.
Then last night she sent him 2 1000 word letters with kisses, love you always and heaps of sentimental chat about how rejected she feels by him.
I told DP that she's in love with him so any scrap he gives her it will lead her.
He said he'd been ignoring the fact she loves him because he doesn't want to hurt her.
But what about me???
I've had to put up with feeling he's getting ego strokes all year and him and her are laughing in my face.
It bothers me that he lack boundaries and I know for myself that I can't relax wholeheartedly with him because of this.
He says he loves me he's sorry, he had no idea it hurt me so much and says he will just not respond.
Ahhh I wish this problem would go away.
Has anyone else experiences this, any advice?
ps He has LOADS of female friends whoI enjoy good genuine friendships with. I spent xmas day with the beautiful mother of his daughter so I'm not threatened but with this woman,because she wont stop til' she gets him back and doesn't want to see himhappy in his relationship it's a different matter.

BrickorCleat EXACTLY my situation as was. Do we know the same man?

Your grades might actually improve without this stress hanging over you.

Jayzus, I thought he was an undergraduate from how he is behaving....

It is very late teens/early 20s drama territory, isn't it. By 40, there seems a lot less room for personal growth.

And any bloke who has you in counselling due to his own emotionally crap behaviour is not a keeper IMO. Especially when he is still pretty much saying he's done nothing wrong and the problem is all you.

I'd be shot of him. Doesn't he think he's cock of the Hill!

I've just read your thread- was he ever in love with her and were they ever a couple? If not, why not- you say he travelled to meet her, they slept together then... Why didn't he get together with her?

He is encouraging her - no one writes like that unless they have a history.

I find it hard to believe you felt the need to have counselling to manage his relationship with this woman- how did he swing that one?

Have you ever met her? Him showing you emails doesn't count, really, even if he is brusque. He still for some reason needs her, and she clearly needs him.

Do you think he feels an obligation to her for promising her things and then meeting you and backing out?

If its not her it might be someone else. He might be a man who likes to act the white knight and rescue woman with chat and have an EA with them. This will wear you down. And if he says he will go nc, I don't think he will. Sorry.

Sounds like he's got a Cling-On. I had this for 10 fecking years!

Trust me, no bloke is worth that.

Ultimatum time, then end it without a second thought if he doesn't tell her to pack this bollocks in.

she won't

Hi I have had a last chat with him after sleeping all afternoon. I have told him every bit of pain this situation has caused me, I gave an ultimatum and he said that he will not respond to her again in the future.
He genuinely didnt know how it was affecting me which is true because Ive only just told him.
He said he's never had to do this before because he doesn't have the same experiences as I do.
I love him. He loves me massively.
I beleived that because it hurt me so much that he must be getting some joy out of it.
I made the point that she has no respect for me and I am where his loyalty should lie.
He has asked if I want to read any incoming messages from her in the future and I said no not if you're not going to be replying, Im only interested in his collusion not what this head case has to say.
Many thanks for your input.
I may revisit this thread in thr future.

So he's not going to block the emails?

Well he certainly needs to tell her that he wants no more contact with her. Simply disappearing and not replying to messages without telling her that he wants no more contact would be cruel, and odd given their long history.

It's disappointing that you had to point out to him that his behaviour was unacceptable. And that he tried to blame you and behaved childishly before agreeing to stop contact. Come back if you need to talk more.

Thanks- he did say he would block her and we thought of sll different ways to stop communication and came up with this as a middle ground. Im so tired of thinking about having spent a whole weekend arguing I'm ready to move on.

He needs to write to her and end their friendship and say that he has moved on.

Blocking her is going to look like you made him do it. It's as if he doesn't want to burn his bridges! Red flag!

we thought of sll different ways to stop communication and came up with this as a middle ground.

That was the best he could come up with? He has not finished this relationship and that is why she still writes to him. He is so reluctant it's ridiculous.

Move on now. It won't get better. He's acting like he's doing you a big favour.

He's got a serious personality disorder. I have been there, was with a guy who promised me the world and I fell for it hook line and sinker. It took a good 2 years to get over it. You are 30 and you haven't got forever to meet a decent chap and start a family.
Walk away.
By the way my 'orrible screwed up ex went back to estranged wife ( he deserted her out of the blue) 9 years later and they had a child. He messed her and the child up big time.
Also during our relationship he would show me emails from wife, her saying how she couldn't believe it was all over and how she loved him. I was led to believe they had been apart for years.
He isn't worth the pain,he's a messed up fecker.

"He loves me massively."

If he loved you he wouldn't fuck you about like this.

He does love me he has just dealt with this woman in an unskilful way.
I am happy we are harmonious again.
He has agreed to stop contact. He has apologised for how much it hurts me.
He is not cruel because he didn't know how much it all hurt me.
I am giving a chance. As I hope he would give me in the future if I did something to hurt him.
Thank you for all your help.

Good luck (and you know where we are) x

He probably does love you. In as far as he is able.

Speaking as a 40 year old with children, however (as he is too) the idea that he didn't know how much this was hurting you is just laughable to me.

Unless his IQ is subnormal, that is, but I doubt that's the case.

I do genuinely wish you all the best and - whatever - don't abandon your studies.

I also think he needs to write to her to explain he has moved on and is planning married life with you. Cutting her off cold won't give her closure and she may keep bothering him. She needs to hear it from him.

I think you should give him a chance to prove himself to you.
I had a similar situation when I met DP. He had a clingy ex. They were together for 6 months or so after his divorce. He ended it as it was just a rebound thing for him really but they agreed to stay friends. He would go round there for meals, do odd jobs for her and they slept together a few times after the break up. Then he met me. Told her about me, she was 'happy for him' but still kept texting him asking to him to come round. I felt uneasy about her, just a gut feeling. On Valentines Day she wrote a single line of kisses on his facebook wall and I went apeshit. It was our first Valentines Day together and I felt like she had steamrollered it.
So I said "her or me!". He chose me and phoned her in front of me and told her he wasn't going round that weekend to put her shelves up and she would have to find someone else to do it. She went mental, called me a jealous bitch, a psycho etc etc. She inboxed him on FB saying she missed him so he blocked her. Four years on and we both still get ocassional friend requests from her.
My point is that he chose me in a blink. He is too kind for his own good and would hate to hurt or let someone down so he was unwittingly encouraging her by being just a genuinely nice guy. He was inexperienced with relationships having been married for 15 years and was easily manipulated.
We survived it and he's not EA or abusive, he just doesn't always see when someone is taking advantage of his good nature.
I hope your BF steps up now that he realises what is at stake.

Harmonious again after "24 hours?, get a grip girl! How long do you seriously have to put up with his behaviour? In the 18 months you've been together he has continued contact with her. Perhaps she is deluded, and that's all the more reason why any sane person would have severed contact once and for all. He's loving the drama.

Kaluki yes I think it's asimilar situation to your in terms of him being a nice guy and easily manipulated due to his general singledom over the years- I hope I can speak like you one day like this nonsense is all in the past.

I hope it all works out really well for you, OP.

I'm single, I don't think that has ever made me easily manipulated by toxic exes, far from it. Think I speak for most normal ( ish) people. It's a cheap excuse, make excuses for other people because they point the finger of blame at you?
Sorry but I stand my ground, he seems very odd.