His ex is still in love with him. I've told him to stop encouraging it

[painpaingoawaycomeagainanother]

That's it really.
It has felt like I am in a princess Diana like relationship. Though he is saying he didn't want to hurt her so would always reply to her messages on facebook/ send her birthday cards/ arrange to skype with her.
He has been her rock over the years, she has some emtional problems has felt suicidal.
We got engaged a couple of months ago and she has never congratulated him/ never asks about me.
Each of her messages start with hi honey and end with love you always xxxxxxxx
I have put up with this for over a year but it reached the the point where he was feeling uncomfortable with how she addresses himso he wrote her an email saying that he wants us all to be able to be firneds and doesn't feel alright about the hi honeys and love you always xxxx etc.
Initially she replied saying of course I understand,take care.
Then last night she sent him 2 1000 word letters with kisses, love you always and heaps of sentimental chat about how rejected she feels by him.
I told DP that she's in love with him so any scrap he gives her it will lead her.
He said he'd been ignoring the fact she loves him because he doesn't want to hurt her.
But what about me???
I've had to put up with feeling he's getting ego strokes all year and him and her are laughing in my face.
It bothers me that he lack boundaries and I know for myself that I can't relax wholeheartedly with him because of this.
He says he loves me he's sorry, he had no idea it hurt me so much and says he will just not respond.
Ahhh I wish this problem would go away.
Has anyone else experiences this, any advice?
ps He has LOADS of female friends whoI enjoy good genuine friendships with. I spent xmas day with the beautiful mother of his daughter so I'm not threatened but with this woman,because she wont stop til' she gets him back and doesn't want to see himhappy in his relationship it's a different matter.

No she has no children with him theyre just long standing friends

he's in room so have to type quick

Even that worries me. If he's allowed to talk to whoever he wants, needy exes included, then why on earth would you feel bad about posting anonymously on an Internet forum?

One-sided. Totally.

Because I want to be able to sort this out in my head before I make any decisions about what to do.
He's just hiding from me right now.

There's clearly a lot of emotional manipulation going on here but fundamentally his connection to her - whether that's love, fear, obligation or something else - is stronger than whatever he claims to feel for you. This is a 'it's her or me' situation and be prepared to get an answer you don't like. Sorry.

I have and he wants me to the point where he wants to block her/ can see that she drives a wedge between us.
I now need to find the strength to forgive him for what this has done to my trust over the time we've been together and I don't know if I can.

If you want some perspective, my bf has an ex who is like this. She has sent letters, emails, texts and cards, left ansaphone messages and was phoning his mum. One of the most recent was sending a load of photos of herself to his mum. In two years he has never responded to anything. Any contact from him would just feed her drama. And I didn't have to say anything to him, he did that of his own accord.

He says he doesn't want to hurt her.

Has he accepted that there is no way not to hurt her? It's just a question of when. He is planning to marry someone else and have children, he has to draw back and if not now, when? Is he "magical thinking" - if he ignores this, somehow something will happen meaning he doesn't have to do anything, maybe her meeting someone?

OK. But don't allow your misplaced guilt about setting some very fair boundaries to make you cover up for him. You are neither needy or unreasonable.

Can I ask if he's ever threatened to leave or discredit you for asking him to end the relationship he enjoys with her?

Also, I doubt their communications are limited to FB and I would take a stab that your relationship with him - how hard it is for him - is among their chief topics.

That's my issue that I wanted him to get to the point where he did the honourable thing and cut her off without me having ton give him an ultimatum.
It worries me massively that I needed to point out how ill the situation was making me(loss of sleep/appetite etc)

I was with a man like. I stayed in the relationship only to learn that there always had to be another women adoring him somewhere and he was unable to let me feel secure in my position - although he never cheated as such. I left, far too late and missing many opportunities in life as a result.

Also 'blocking' her at your behest is perfect for him, isn't it? Still keeps her there for him because it's your fault, not something he's instigated. Making it appear a concession to your feelings and an act of love is just another exercise in manipulation, I'm afraid. It doesn't mean you mean more to him - quite the contrary, in fact.

Yes that's why I said I didn't want him to block her because the minute he re-friends her again in the future it will symbolise him purposely trying to hurt me whilst to him and everyone else looks like he is merely re-friending an old friend.
He already said that he was under duress when he wrote to her to put some boundaries down.
That is not true, he felt uncomfortable and composed an email to explain that I hate it that he threw that in my face as though if it wasn't for me he could carry on this affair. I said why don't I just leave you two to get on with it because I don't want to be part of this dynamic any more.
He said no because I don't want to be with her I want to be with you.

Sorry if there are no kids then he is being an asshole. He is having an emotional affair of sorts with his ex. He is getting his ego massaged and keeping you in the loop meaning you are almost sanctioning it because you can never say you did not know. I would absolutely ltb in this situation.

I don't think it is an emotional affair because his correspondence with her over the time we've been together has been very; as he calls it "wet blanket" he just gives one word answers or just talks in a factual way It is her who doesn't take the hint but I do question why he hasn't had the balls to make a choice or see things for what they are.

My part in this has been that I have sought therapy and all sorts of self help to get my head around it/come to some kind of acceptance about it when I wish I had just told him from the word go that it hurt me/ undermined us- I guess I just hoped that he would do the decent thing and he never did.

Going forward though my trust is so shattered I don't know how to be happy.

I am half way through a degree, I've just moved in with him I don't want to have all the upheaval of a break up right now.
I suppose I don't have to make any decisions immediately I'm not in danger and I've kind of got what I wanted which was for him to stop contact with her which he's agreed to do (by not responding to her emotional mumbo jumbo emails)

I can see from the way Im writing that Im probably bargaining now like a grieving person.

Thanks for all your points of view they've been really helpful.

I am sorry you are in this situation OP. I share the view upthread that he is a Simon Cowell type who either convinces he exes to fawn over him, or allows them to if they offer fawning services without much persuasion. He should be encouraging his heartbroken ex to go forth and build a new happiness without him. A parting as tidy and civil as possible and then no contact is the only way he can do that.
It's not just Simon Cowell who does this, I knew quite an average bloke who did it too and it was pathetic the way his ex's all competed, and cringeworthy how his ego was stroked by it. It's just not a healthy situation and I think it's hard to change him. HOwever, please have the confidence to say you don't want her in his life at all, and don't waiver. Don't let yourself be convinced that if you were more secure, more broad minded, more whatever, then you would go along with it.

It's just not right and you shouldn't put up with it.

Thanks yes. I think it's pretty pathetic. I'm sure I indulged in the same nonsense when I was a teenager but I do expect more of an adult relationship.
Thanks I wont waiver. It's either me and me alone or nothing.
I told him I refuse to compete with other women and that she can just have him if she wants.
I really appreciate you post. It's so nice to see that it's not me its him after all this lonely navel gazing!

OP, I am so sad for you reading this. My ex had a very similar "friendship", they had been together briefly, she had since married and had a baby with someone else but they still used to chat online for hours, she would email him to tell him about the erotic dreams she had about them together...he encouraged it and made me feel paranoid and irrational about not wanting my partner to be having that intimate a relationship with another woman. He claimed it was all above board, she was "just a friend" and if he limited contact with this person he was certain I would then pick another of his female friends to cut him off from.

Consider ending this relationship, it sounds toxic to me.

Leave him.

This man needs to feel adored by many women. The love of just ONE will never be enough for him.

And dont marry him. Did you get engaged just for you to get off his back about all the women he needs to correspond with?

Yes I'm considering it.

He angered me last night when he said "is there anyone else I need to be worried about/ need to cut contact with?"

Putting the repeatability in my hands.

He often says; "don't let me fuck this up, don't let me be a dick."

That's his responsibility I'm not his fucking mother.

God what is it with all these men who are basically boys waiting for a grown up Nanny Lady to impose external discipline on to their shonky moral fibre only to be accused down the line of being a 'nagging wife'.

I wont ever play that role I will just leave.

You will just lose me if you can't behave properly.

responsibility *

Sorry I suppose what I mean by EA is a relationship with his ex that he is still getting something from. In this case he is getting his ego massaged.

OP I could almost have wrote your situation word for word.

I spent the first 18 months of a relationship questioning his "relationship" with his EX partner, only to be told that he had a right to have her as a friend as he had spent most of his adult life with her.

What he failed to admit was that he was still using an old bank account of hers, that she would frequently send him messages/ emails ( one of which said " sometimes I really hate you, and tonight is one of them). He even sent her a birthday message saying " sorry I can't be there- love you".

I ended up in counselling because I was made to feel "unreasonable & insecure".

He eventually said he would send her an email saying no more contact. What he actually said was " I need there to be no more contact ( sorry if this seems harsh) as there are "other relationships in my life that need all of me there".

I got shown her reply, which was just an "okay" to which I then felt a little foolish- maybe I had overreacted.... What I didn't get shown or told of for ages was that she sent him another one later on, in which she was pretty hacked off!

I used to have it thrown back at me that "I made him end their relationship".

It should never have been the 'elephant in the room' to start with.

Immature men behave like this!

I had exactly this problem with my current DP. Funnily enough, his ex was also in another country and he gave many of the same excuses reasons for staying in contact with her. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to seem like the crazy new girlfriend. But her behaviour escalated, to the point where she was sending him sexy emails, calling him at all hours of the day and night, and trying to book flights to come and see him!

In the end, I gave him an ultimatum and he finally cut contact with her. He deleted and blocked her on Facebook and asked her (politely but firmly) not to contact him again. So far, she has not done so and my relationship with DP is so much better as a result. It wasn't a difficult decision for him and it shouldn't be for your fiancé either if he really does love you. He is allowed to have female friends but this particular ex (just like in my case) has proved over and over again that her intentions are dishonourable and she is no friend to your relationship. Good luck.

He doesn't want to hurt her? He's stringing her along giving her false hope by encouraging her. If he blames you and says that you stopped contact, it will feed her drama. Which I suspect he loves.

If he cares for either of you, he must make the break and cease all contact with her. He's only making excuses as he enjoys having her hanging on a string, which does not make him a very nice person, to be honest.