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Relationships

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Original poster

Dumpable offence?

135 replies

keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 08:53

Have been seeing a man for a few weeks, Last time i saw him we have sex for the first time and it was nice
. Saw him again last night, expected more of the same, but he made no moves towards me, wasnt affectionate at all. When we did finally kiss, i took him upstairs where he made no moves on me, but happily recieved some oral. he was naked and i was fully dressed. I was somewhat put out, but thought, ok, maybe he had just been enjoying it too much, so waited around for a second go.
He said the words ' do you want me to put my willy inside you' to which i burst out laughing, because its just not sexy, at all. We did for a bit, swapped position, and then he complained he was being bent in a weird way, so i moved and then he just laid there and didnt restart anything, while i lay there feeling awkward and rejected. After a bit of time i said i needed to sleep and he left.

The whole thing, to me, felt awkward and like he wasnt enjoying any of it, which is quite confusing.

Other than that we had a nice time, but my immediate reaction is to dump as im no longer interested.

views?

OP posts:

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 09:31

I slept with him on the 4th date, i dont think thats too soon. Till that point we had 18 dating hours under our belts.

he hadnt done anything that made me think he wasnt interested, he was in contact with me every day, we spoke on the phone, he was polite and thoughtful. There was no mention of an ex or anything that gave me cause for concern until sat, when, it went weird at the sex. Until that point ( 4 hours worth of time) it was all as normal.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 09:34

Your first three dates averaged 6 hours??

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 09:36

yes, i feel humiliated because he clearly felt that way the whole time, but decided it was ok to accept that from me. It wasnt a one night stand, which you might understand but a few weeks in. Which is a bit different and i think deceptive behavior.

He knew how he felt, he didnt tell me and confessed he wasnt going to and was just going to leave it to see how he felt and it was only when i said something that he realised it wasnt actually fair on me. Till then he saw no issue with leading me on.

thats not about incompatability.

OP posts:

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 09:38

yeah, they did.
whats your point?

OP posts:

piratecat · 27/01/2014 09:41

i know you are pissed off, but don't turn his ineffective reasoning, actions on yourself.

sleeping with someone on the fourth date is fine, and on the first if you want to!

it either works out or it doesn't. He has no right to say anything to you about his ex. Jeez good luck with that matey, you don't need a project.

next...

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 09:43

im not turning his actions onto me. I know i havent done anything wrong. its all his issues not mine. I dont appreciate some of the posters looking to blame me.

OP posts:

yourehavingalaugh · 27/01/2014 09:46

If you choose to sleep with someone on the fourth date (that means you have only met three times) you can't complain that you didn't know him and his feelings about his ex. Of course you wouldn't!

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 09:47

I think 6 hours is admirable for an early date - I would have thought 2 hours would be safer. What if he was really, really irritating? Anyway, that's not important.

The point I'm trying to make is this:

Giving a blow job on the first date is fine, if that's what you want to do and doesn't make you feel vulnerable to humiliation if he later turns out to tell all his mates, go back to his ex etc. If it makes you feel vulnerable, then don't do it.

2)You have said that doing so on date 25 wouldn't make you feel vulnerable, that would be a 'safe' time period for you.

It seems to me that giving a blow job, whilst naked, to a fully-clothed man who is not that in to you on the fifth date is not within your safe time period and has left you open to feeling vulnerable.

For you, at this point in time, fifth date is too soon.

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 09:48

I really don't think either of you has done anything wrong or malicious or stupid. It just... is what it is.

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 09:53

log- it wasnt planned to be 6 hour long dates, it just worked out to be that way because we were having fun and, i thought, enjoying each others company. The first date was a coffe, which turned into a few and cake, and a walk. It happens.

I also didnt give him head on the first date. we didnt even kiss.

On the 4th date when we did have sex, it was fine, we were both naked. it was as you would expect it to be.

On SAT ( the 5th date) he was weird with the sex thing. That was when the him being naked blow job happened and the not finishing sex. It was odd, i brought it up, dumped him and now all this ex stuff has come out.

Until the weird sex thing i had no idea he wasnt into me, as all his actions had shown otherwise.

and IF it had gone to the 25th date and then the same thing happened i would feel worse and like he was just laughing at me the whole time.

Its not about me, it was about him and his plan to ' do something pro active' in his life and leading me on to that end.

OP posts:

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 09:54

im not complaining about not knowing about his ex.

What im saying is, he knew, he knew how he felt and it was unfair of him to lead me on, when he knew that.

OP posts:

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 27/01/2014 09:54

A few people seem convinced that you had sex too soon. I disagree, you did it when you wanted to. And who wouldn't feel at least a little humiliated if they initiated sex and their partner behaved the way this idiot did?

Cut ties with him. Either he's lying about the ex, which means he's just using you for sex. Or he's telling the truth, and you don't need that mess in your life.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/01/2014 10:19

First dates can easily last several hours if you are having fun Logg1e. I met my DP for a drink, we got on well so stayed for dinner too, were about to part ways on a high, but decided to go for drinks, enjoyed each other's company so much we went home together and our 7.30 drinks lasted 12 hours!

He got a BJ on our first date and yes, I would have been upset if he'd gone cold the next day, but I would also be upset if he had been funny with me after a few weeks/months/years.

As it was, we had a few more dates, including sex and BJs before he went a bit cold a couple of weeks in. He had a wobble, got over himself and then decided we were meant for each other.

My friends who had also been dating warned me about the wobble, every single man any of us had dated did the EXACT same thing. They got really keen, planned lots of meet-ups, texting, phoning, being very affectionate and then one day "Agggh, what am I doing?! Panic! I need to take a step back."

Then they calm down and realise that it's not so scary and that actually being in a relationship is a good thing.

Being happy to have sex or oral early in a relationship is not a bad thing and doesn't make you any more vulnerable to being emotionally hurt than not doing. It perhaps just highlights any incompatibility early on and saves you from getting too deeply involved with someone unsuitable as you've found OP.

I think you had a lucky escape, this man is sexually selfish, emotionally unavailable and insensitive enough to think you want to hear about his wonderful ex. He's told you who he is, be thankful for his honesty and delete him.

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 10:32

Lynda, Being happy to have sex or oral early in a relationship is not a bad thing

Agreed.

and doesn't make you any more vulnerable to being emotionally hurt than not doing.

Perhaps, but I think it leaves you more vulnerable to feeling used and stupid.

It perhaps just highlights any incompatibility early on and saves you from getting too deeply involved with someone unsuitable as you've found OP

Hmmm, I'm not going to go around giving blow jobs on the first date, just to flush out the unsuitable dates!

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/01/2014 11:38

No, but if you do want to and he reciprocates then you know he's a good 'un!

YoBitch · 27/01/2014 11:40

sounds like my ex. believe me, IME, the sex wouldn't have got any better. you're better off out, the only thing I was left with was battered confidence about my attractiveness.

and all that stuff about not being over his ex just highlights his selfishness even more.

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 11:49

i know ive made the right decision.

And i still stand by the fact it wasnt me at all, and it was him.

hes text again to say how sorry he was, that hes not going to date anyone for a while, that he feels awful and never set out to hurt me and that im a lovely person and he enjoyed the time he spent with me.

None of that points to it being me.

OP posts:

HandragsNGladbags · 27/01/2014 11:51

If I gave my DH a blow job last night and today he tells me he's not that into me, I would feel used! It's got nothing to do with the OP having sex too early.

She liked the guy, she wanted to, she did. That's it.

He's a loser to do that to someone. His issues are the problem - which have neither be caused or facilitated by the OP.

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 12:58

Handrags, If I gave my DH a blow job last night and today he tells me he's not that into me, I would feel used!

My point is that it's more likely to happen if you've only known him for five dates.

She liked the guy, she wanted to, she did. That's it.

And she feels humiliated.

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 13:08

i dont feel humiliated because of the sex act. I feel humiliated because he knew how he felt and let me do it, knowing i liked him.

OP posts:

TalisaMaegyr · 27/01/2014 13:17

Is this the starving artist guy?

TalisaMaegyr · 27/01/2014 13:19

Cos if it is - unless I've got completely the wrong person - you're well shot. All things considered.

Original poster

keepingthelidon · 27/01/2014 13:23

yep. starving artist.

and i know. best thing to do.

OP posts:

TalisaMaegyr · 27/01/2014 14:53

The description of your sexual congress made my stomach turn, to be honest. What kind of grown man uses the word 'willy' in that scenario?? It would have only got worse.

HandragsNGladbags · 27/01/2014 15:10

Ooooooh the starving artist

Agreed, well rid.

It's good as well that you have such robust self esteem to know his actions are not due to you doing anything "wrong". Far more likely to recognise a good relationship imo.

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