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Original poster

Dumpable offence?

135 replies

keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 08:53

Have been seeing a man for a few weeks, Last time i saw him we have sex for the first time and it was nice
. Saw him again last night, expected more of the same, but he made no moves towards me, wasnt affectionate at all. When we did finally kiss, i took him upstairs where he made no moves on me, but happily recieved some oral. he was naked and i was fully dressed. I was somewhat put out, but thought, ok, maybe he had just been enjoying it too much, so waited around for a second go.
He said the words ' do you want me to put my willy inside you' to which i burst out laughing, because its just not sexy, at all. We did for a bit, swapped position, and then he complained he was being bent in a weird way, so i moved and then he just laid there and didnt restart anything, while i lay there feeling awkward and rejected. After a bit of time i said i needed to sleep and he left.

The whole thing, to me, felt awkward and like he wasnt enjoying any of it, which is quite confusing.

Other than that we had a nice time, but my immediate reaction is to dump as im no longer interested.

views?

OP posts:
Original poster
keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 09:46

Tinzel, no hes a grown man, living a grown mans life. At no point so far, had anything happened that would have led me to think he wasnt.

Buzzard, hes 34, he has had girlfriends, he does a job where hes ' on show in an extrovert way' He isnt a shy type.

Which is why it is more confusing to me.

OP posts:
KouignAmann · 26/01/2014 09:52

keeping do you actually like him as a friend and a person? In which case it might be worth going for broke and having a conversation about how sex was for you both and seeing if he is able to discuss it. Obviously you would need to pick a relaxed cuddly moment to raise the subject and be kind and say nice things about the first time. But actually either you were on a different page and you misread each other and with good communication it is fixable or he is insensitive and selfish and no amount of talking will make it better.
I don't think him making you laugh is that bad, even if it was cringe humour. Shouldn't sex be funny? I find the whole squishy subject highly amusing.

rainbowfeet · 26/01/2014 09:56

Dump him & recommend he does some reading!! That must have been excruciating for you!! ShockBlush

Original poster
keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 09:57

yes, i like him as a person. Its been 5 dates, i think its too early to have that conversation. I did ask several times last night if he was ok. He didnt ask me......

I think he just doesnt fancy me really. Thats all it can be

OP posts:
Original poster
keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 09:58

It kind of was excruciating and made me feel rather shit.

I mean, mid shag and he cant be bothered to continue? That doesnt do much for me ego.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 10:00

I don't think that he doesn't fancy you, he just sounds pretty selfish to me. All take and no give. Using you (and probably other women) as a bit of a wank aid rather than a sexual partner in any meaningful sense. Wouldn't waste any more time on him.

CarryOnDancing · 26/01/2014 10:04

Sounds like you had sex too soon. There hasn't been enough time to get to know each other and build up some sexual tension.

For me the most cringy part was when you said he didn't seem that bothered but you led him upstairs anyway. Then when he said the willy thing you just put his hand between your legs. Maybe he doesn't want to be dominated, he might want things to feel even sexually?
He might be an extrovert in some ways but that doesn't always extend to sexually. Maybe he felt you were rushing into it and that isn't attractive to him. Him being an extrovert may mean he doesn't always get to connect emotionally with people day to day and at work in particular and really likes that aspect of a sexual relationship.

I think you've read his character wrong and made assumptions-especially as you have expectations about him being "red-blooded".

It reads like you both want sex for different reasons and your enthusiasm to bed him in such an open manner is a turn off?

Whatever way you read the situation, you sound incompatible.

eddielizzard · 26/01/2014 10:08

no sorry. it's weird and i can't see how it would be good to keep seeing someone like that. you're in an intimate situation and to just be non-responsive. it made you feel like crap. you don't need to go there again, do you?

Original poster
keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 10:11

i didnt and dont feel bad for putting his hand between my legs. He did the same to me the first time we had sex. And if he cant cope with that then we are no match at all.

If its such a turn off for him, im not sure why he had sex with me int he first place, and why he instigated it. He did the date before that too, which i said i wasnt ready for.

Im not sure we want sex for different reasons, but i do think most people would have a hard job not to feel rejected if someone stopped having sex with them and went cold mid shag and i dont really think its fair to blame me for that.

OP posts:
AmazingJumper · 26/01/2014 10:12

I'd never wait five dates before sex, and I'm no slag. So I dint think it was 'too soon'.

ALittleStranger · 26/01/2014 10:14

Keeping you don't have to defend yourself! You already know it's a dumpable offence, move on to someone who doesn't make you feel crap about yourself.

ThePinkOcelot · 26/01/2014 10:15

For "do you want me to put my willy inside of you" alone, yes dump. Just yuk, yuk, yuk!!

KouignAmann · 26/01/2014 10:15

If you know someone well enough to get naked with them you ought to be able to talk about it. But if he made you feel shit then you wouldn't want to repeat the experience so perhaps best to let this one go...

yourehavingalaugh · 26/01/2014 10:15

You say he was not affectionate at all and he made no moves on you. That says it all. I would have left it there abc saved the rejection and awkward sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 10:16

Going cold mid-shag means he'd got what he wanted out of it and wasn't bothered about your needs. That's the selfish part. Really... don't waste a second more thinking about him and certainly don't stick around for more punishment. You win some, you lose some and this one's not a keeper.

Sparklysilversequins · 26/01/2014 10:17

Hmmm, maybe his interests lie elsewhere?

Original poster
keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 10:21

The lack of affection was odd, previously he has been very affectionate and tactile.

I think it was a case of having got what he wanted previously.

Im in two minds as to send him a long message, saying last night was a bit weird and what was up. or do just do nothing and see what he does, which i expect will be nothing.

OP posts:
zizzo · 26/01/2014 10:21

I was just about to say, are you sure he's into women? The fact he liked oral but didn't seem that keen on sex says tons to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 10:22

I wouldn't stoop to asking for explanations. Do nothing and, if you get nothing in return, give it up as a bad job.

MinkBernardLundy · 26/01/2014 10:28

I think at this stage you should be able to talk about it.
But think that he just isn't that bothered about seconds. he'd had his and was quite happy to drop off.

I had a bf a bit like this recently. Would swear blind he fancied me but was just not that into it. came up with all kinds of reasons. we talked. it did sort itself out eventually but it always remained pretty pedestrian Tbh. and o finished with him for general useless self centered behaviour outside the bedroom.

So...I would say either dump if your heart isn't in it, or give it be more go but let him put the effort in to see if he is as happy to give as to receive and watch out very carefully for him being selfish or self centered in general.

MinkBernardLundy · 26/01/2014 10:29

One more go

expatinscotland · 26/01/2014 10:37

Oh, FFS! It's like this after five dates? What Cognito said, don't waste another second on this guy. DUMP pronto.

Original poster
keepingthelidon · 26/01/2014 10:40

I think hes possibly a bit lazy. He has a somewhat unconventional lifestyle and doesnt seem to work all that hard, so perhaps that transfers into his sex life too.

Im not going to put myself out for someone that isnt going to do the same for me, and im not going to hurt my ego either, no man is worth that.

So, ive just sent him a message asking if he was ok and it seemed like he didnt want to be here and how i felt. It wont be a good ending, but I feel better for saying my bit.

OP posts:
jojoanna · 26/01/2014 10:45

I would dump him. He's not interested

KouignAmann · 26/01/2014 10:45

I had a brief relationship with a bloke who talked lots about sex before we DTD but when we got round to it and I pounced on him he was surprisingly taken aback at how assertive I was. I think it freaked him out because the next time he stayed over he had trouble getting hard. Then he dumped me! (Which was a good thing for lots of other reasons).

Luckily my DP likes being bossed about in bed so we are both happy!