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Original poster

So sad and worried.....

118 replies

Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 14:42

I’m fairly new on MN, so not sure if this is the best place to post this….DS2 is in his mid 20s, obviously I’m biased but he’s kind and lovely, however he’s realised he doesn’t want to marry his girlfriend; since she started saying she wanted a baby it really made him think about it long and hard; he was honest, told her no, he doesn’t want this now but she backed off on the baby thing and begged him to stay and see if they could improve things, to which he agreed and the relationship has limped along for another couple of months.

He told her at the weekend that he definitely doesn’t want to carry on in the relationship, he isn’t in love with her and they are too young to settle for this…….and she played the trump card. After he first said he felt they’d run their course she secretly stopped contraception and she’s pregnant and saying a termination is out of the question.

He is beside himself, can’t stand the thought of being with her even more now she’d do something like this, certain he doesn’t want to spend his life with her, is facing fatherhood which he expressly told her he wasn’t ready for, plus the prospect of being roundly abused for leaving her whilst pregnant.

I’m heartbroken for him, furious with her, also frustrated with him that it’s been allowed to happen, don’t get me wrong, and fearful for his health too. He’s prone to anxiety and just been prescribed a low dose of a tri-cyclic anti-depressant for very severe IBS, he looks bloody awful and is working all the hours to get his new business off the ground. I don’t know what to say for the best.

OP posts:
leobear · 24/01/2014 14:44

I do feel for you as his mother, but I'm afraid he has no choice but to face fatherhood. He had just as much responsibility for contraception.

JustAfloat · 24/01/2014 14:53

Why didn't he wear a condom then?

He should have taken charge of his own fertility if he really didn't want to become a father, especially as she'd told him she wanted a baby.

Having said that, I do feel sorry for all concerned.

Kikithecat · 24/01/2014 14:53

Yes he must take responsibility for his baby, but this doesn't mean he has to stay with the mother. If he does his best to be a good father I'm sure any potential verbal abusers will have to bite their tongues.

yellowismyfave · 24/01/2014 15:05

I feel for him, and you. To be fair, if you are in a long term relationship where you trust someone, why the need for condoms? I hope they manage to resolve this amicably. My friend's DS hasn't been with the mother of his child from the off, but with maturity and effort on both sides, the child is thriving and happy. I hope they find a way forwards.

Pheonixisrising · 24/01/2014 15:07

poor lad , it's a worry to all of us who has a son

are you sure she is not pulling a fast one ? how many weeks is she ?

hmc · 24/01/2014 15:08

This is rather sad - oh dear. He'll get his head around it eventually though with your support.

lifestory · 24/01/2014 15:16

"pulling" a fast one, very possible. my (20 yr)son's gf (30 yr divorcee)of just 3 weeks(?) became pregnant, odd though, she had an 11 month pregnancy!oh, the tangled web we weave. takes 2 though,he lost his youth, she was a gold digger, left him bankrupt eventually, after demands for money he just didn't have.worth checking, she could just be testing him.so sorry to hear this.

WhoNickedMyName · 24/01/2014 15:24

Well the obvious question is... is she definitely pregnant?

If she is then as a PP said, he needs to face up pretty quickly to the fact that he's going to be a dad.

If he doesn't want to be with the woman then fair enough, but he needs to tell her straight and stick to his decision, and not be swayed to let things limp along again for an indefinite period, because that's not fair on her or the child.

Yes, he's going to look like a total shit for leaving his pregnant girlfriend but there's nothing he can do about that, except to treat her with respect and be there for his child.

There's nothing you can say for the best. Just be there to listen to him and point him in the right direction if he asks for your advice.

MarniesHere · 24/01/2014 15:36

Gosh what a bitch! Hmm

VoyageDeVerity · 24/01/2014 15:37

It's not just her fault.

itwillgetbettersoon · 24/01/2014 16:33

Voyage I think it is just her fault. She came off the contraceptives without discussing it with the boy. Completely out of order and manipulative. I agree boys need to take responsibility for contraceptives but in a LY relationship most couples agree that they will stop using condons.

Original poster
Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 16:50

Thanks for the input all. I did immediately think why didn't he use a condom, to protect himself from this possibility, but honestly I don't believe it should be necessary if there's no mutual agreement to have a child and there is an agreement on contraception. Why would anyone expect someone to behave so badly? I do think she's a manipulative bitch frankly and he'll have to be a far better person than she deserves to deal with it constructively. Still hope she'll terminate when she realises he isn't going to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 16:52

She showed him the test btw, 3 weeks. Does that mean she's testing before she's even missed?

OP posts:
Logg1e · 24/01/2014 17:06

It isn't fair. He should be able to trust her. But, given the high stakes involved he should have worn protection.

Whocansay · 24/01/2014 17:18

I suggest he talks to her about how they plan to co-parent once the baby's born, making it clear that they won't be together. I suspect once she realizes she won't keep him with this ruse, the 'baby' will disappear. I would question that there is actually a 'baby' at this point, test or no test. It's not necessarily hers.

Even if it's not a ruse, they absolutely have to have this conversation.

I would say deliberately getting pregnant when you know that your partner doesn't want a child DOES make you a bitch, I'm afraid. And a selfish one too.

Original poster
Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 17:25

Totally agree whocansay, he's just told me that's exactly what he's said to her. I said go a stage further and say no involvement other than financial, even if you don't mean it but he won't, clearly has a stronger moral compass than his mum!

OP posts:
Squitten · 24/01/2014 17:26

She sounds very manipulative and lying to him about contraception is a nasty thing to do. Having said that, however, a) he could have worn a condom and b) there is always a risk, however small, that contraception can fail so babies come with the territory I'm afraid.

All he can do now is act like a decent father and face his responsibility. He should make it crystal clear that there is no relationship left but that he will support and help to raise his child, taking it to the courts if need be. It's not about him or her anymore.

You have my sympathy OP - it sucks

Quitelikely · 24/01/2014 17:36

What a shame! Yes it is her who is at fault because they agreed to put the baby plans on hold!

Your son needs to call her bluff and move out ASAP so she knows she will live with the consequences of her actions. Trust me a baby does not bring a struggling couple closer t

Quitelikely · 24/01/2014 17:37

Together. More likely being them to their knees. She's a very foolish women to think about condemning her baby to this situation.

Quitelikely · 24/01/2014 17:37

*bring

Original poster
Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 17:39

She's moved out today, it's his house.

OP posts:
sittingbythepoolwithenzo · 24/01/2014 17:45

Agree, he needs to make it clear that the relationship is over, abd that they need to discuss how they will co-parent.

He can still be involved and supportive with the baby (if, indeed there is a baby). In fact, he really should.

Whocansay · 24/01/2014 17:49

All he can do is be consistent in his message that they aren't together and be as kind as possible. If they aren't living together, it's a good start.

Did you have a good relationship with her before this? Would you be able to talk to her once the dust has settled a bit?

Original poster
Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 17:59

She's never really engaged with me tbh, I'm divorced from their dad and remarried. At Christmas they went to her parents on the day and he came to us on Boxing Day, she went to hers again. I have tried really hard to get to know her but she won't give. When we got married and had a 3 day shindig she would only stay one night and so he could only do the same. She just wants to be with her own mother all the time. When they met she was just graduating and would go off and do summer camps in the US and be really active but since she moved in she won't work, keeps packing her jobs in because it's too hard or getting sacked for excessive time off. DS has been in despair over it, and the latest before this was she applied to go back to Uni without discussing with him.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 24/01/2014 18:33

Yes- men can and should take precautions but I'm afraid telling a man you're taking the pill when you're not is horrendous. It is really out of order and most of the blame lays with her.

However...he has no choice but to step up now. You sound very supportive and I'm sure the two of you and you're family will rise to this situation.

Life throws us surprises- it's how we deal with these curve balls that matter. Your son is about to learn this life lesson.

Ps- are u sure she's preg?

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