So sad and worried.....

[Catherine1932]

I’m fairly new on MN, so not sure if this is the best place to post this….DS2 is in his mid 20s, obviously I’m biased but he’s kind and lovely, however he’s realised he doesn’t want to marry his girlfriend; since she started saying she wanted a baby it really made him think about it long and hard; he was honest, told her no, he doesn’t want this now but she backed off on the baby thing and begged him to stay and see if they could improve things, to which he agreed and the relationship has limped along for another couple of months.

He told her at the weekend that he definitely doesn’t want to carry on in the relationship, he isn’t in love with her and they are too young to settle for this…….and she played the trump card. After he first said he felt they’d run their course she secretly stopped contraception and she’s pregnant and saying a termination is out of the question.

He is beside himself, can’t stand the thought of being with her even more now she’d do something like this, certain he doesn’t want to spend his life with her, is facing fatherhood which he expressly told her he wasn’t ready for, plus the prospect of being roundly abused for leaving her whilst pregnant.

I’m heartbroken for him, furious with her, also frustrated with him that it’s been allowed to happen, don’t get me wrong, and fearful for his health too. He’s prone to anxiety and just been prescribed a low dose of a tri-cyclic anti-depressant for very severe IBS, he looks bloody awful and is working all the hours to get his new business off the ground. I don’t know what to say for the best.

Leaven, if the relationship was on the skids, you might assume that she made sure that a pregnancy did not complicate the ending. Why would she want that in an ending relationship?

Of course they have choices but come on...two people having regular sex, a contraception is chosen...why would a man have reason to think he had to use another method.

I know where it goes- I have one !

I've also had one removed and it leaves an incision wound, stitches and a bruise. Clearly they've been intimate so I'd imagine she'd not hidden it.

What leavenheath he should have said I don't believe you are trustworthy and will uphold the agreement we have made about our relationship? That sounds abusive to me.

Yes- why would she want a baby with a man who has said he doesn't want a baby or see much of a future with her??

Why would she do that??

Now it's his fault for not spotting she had it removed??

How about its just her fault for removing the contraception in secret.

There are some odd assumptions here about all women wanting to raise children in committed relationships. They do not.

Some women decide to have a child without input from a father, either financial or emotional.

Some women want a child outside of a relationship and agree that with a willing co-parent.

And yes I'm sure some decide that a pregnancy might deter a man from leaving a relationship. I'm not saying that doesn't happen.

But the fact remains that anyone who doesn't want to conceive a child (of either sex) has the responsibility to prevent it, or accept the consequences.

Catherine, if he absolutely didn't want fatherhood at any previous point in their relationship, I think he should have used condoms. But at the point when he was trying to extricate himself from the relationship, it would have been better if he said he didn't want to take any risks. That is not abusive in the least. It is taking responsibility.

I think you need to stop the bitching and the anger and possibly start preparing yourself for a grandchild! Regardless of what she has done, your son is responsible for his own life. She is having his child, there is nothing you can do about it now.

I think you sound selfish and terrible to say you hope she terminates. Your son sounds like a mummies boy, you need to let them sort this and stop bad mouthing the ex gf.

I'm sure you will be ashamed of yourself reading this back in a few years time when your grandchild has been born and you adore him/ her.

Where did I say it was his fault for not spotting it's removal? I just asked how did he not notice?

Leven...I'm not assuming anything about committed relationships. My cousin is a lesbian who used a sperm doner.

Most women wanting to have a child outside of a committed relationship do not choose somebody to be the father who has said they don't wish to be.

Baby born- bad mouthing somebody who removed contraception to get pregnant without discussing is isn't bitchy.

The baby isn't going to be born next week- give the op time to get her head around it.

Apologies nick nack...

We don't know what 'most women' want Mama. We can only speak of the women we know who tell their stories.

I agree with you idealogically that if a woman expects financial and/or emotional support from her child's father, it is better to get his consent to that conception.

But I'm under no illusions that this is always the case, or even that it happens in 'most' cases because we cant know that. We can only say 'most of the women I know' who've chosen this route seek consent to parenthood.

Leaven, there was no agreement, and certainly no agreement to co parent.
As to some odd assumptions about some women not wanting to raise children in committed relationships, lordy, you would think maybe the guy had a choice before becoming the sperm donor.

In a perfect world both men and women get to choose when and with who. But, the reality is that as women we have the choice of when and with who because we are responsible for either getting pregnant or not getting pregnant. Men do not have that choice if their partners decide not to be honest.

Digging deep.. The op has made it clear she doesn't like her anyway, calling her names is bitching in my book. None of that matters anyway. She is pregnant and only nature could change that.

Tbh I would be horrified to think my MIL had said she had hoped I would terminate! That's below the belt.

Ok- surely most, right minded, not desperate, women would not want their child born as a result of trickery.

The women I know that did trick were not 'together' at the time, one was desperate to keep hold of her man. Looking back (one's child is 7, the other 5) they've had aggro with the fathers, financial hardship and found single parenthood very very hard at times. I know they wouldn't change the existence if their dc but they would both say they wished they could have done it in different circumstances- in fact they have said that. Before you're a parent you can't possibly know what it's like and what emotions you and you're child will face. Of course if you become a single parent (I did) or if you prepare properly to have a child as a single woman it's a different matter. To bring a child into the world on this way is complicating matters before you've begun. Would you like to know you were conceived when your mum took out her implant at the end of a relationship?

BabyBorn I think your post is very unkind. At no point have I said he won't take responsibility for his child, but what she has done is dishonest and just plain wrong. It's a shock and no he's not a mummy's boy, I have normal protective feelings for my kids, even though they're grown. If DD did this I would be equally furious and horrified, but she wouldn't because she's not abusive, selfish and stupid.

At the end off the day they are both to blame for this. She should have said she had it out which is classed astrapping him but he could have put on to be on the safe side. They both have to sit down either way and decide between them what they won't to do for the babies sack cuz at the end off the day it ain't the babies fault it never asked to be conceived

You asked him to threaten he would only provide financial support and suggest he wouldnt have contact with the child, in hope she would have an abortion! I think that's equally as bad as what she has done BUT it won't change a thing now will it.

And I never said I didn't like her, I said I hardly know her because she won't engage, and that since she moved in with him she avoids working and has decided he should keep her at Uni without discussing it first. That's not bitching.

That's only his side of the story tho isn't it.

Having a baby should be a mutual decision no one just made by the women just cuz she carries the baby doesn't mean she can take control off his life

you would think maybe the guy had a choice before becoming the sperm donor.

He did have a choice. All men have the choice to prevent a pregnancy they don't want. They've had that choice an awful lot longer than women have, with access to our own contraception and safe terminations.

I am utterly bemused at these posts about men not having choices.

DP would like another baby, I wouldn't. We use condoms. IF he were to tamper with a condom, making me believe we were protected when we weren't, would it also be my fault if I then became pregnant?

It's not about FAULT. But since you ask, when I didn't want children NO WAY would I have given the sole responsibility for contraception to a man who wasn't going to have to carry that child or alternatively, have a termination. So I took my own precautions.