So sad and worried.....

[Catherine1932]

I’m fairly new on MN, so not sure if this is the best place to post this….DS2 is in his mid 20s, obviously I’m biased but he’s kind and lovely, however he’s realised he doesn’t want to marry his girlfriend; since she started saying she wanted a baby it really made him think about it long and hard; he was honest, told her no, he doesn’t want this now but she backed off on the baby thing and begged him to stay and see if they could improve things, to which he agreed and the relationship has limped along for another couple of months.

He told her at the weekend that he definitely doesn’t want to carry on in the relationship, he isn’t in love with her and they are too young to settle for this…….and she played the trump card. After he first said he felt they’d run their course she secretly stopped contraception and she’s pregnant and saying a termination is out of the question.

He is beside himself, can’t stand the thought of being with her even more now she’d do something like this, certain he doesn’t want to spend his life with her, is facing fatherhood which he expressly told her he wasn’t ready for, plus the prospect of being roundly abused for leaving her whilst pregnant.

I’m heartbroken for him, furious with her, also frustrated with him that it’s been allowed to happen, don’t get me wrong, and fearful for his health too. He’s prone to anxiety and just been prescribed a low dose of a tri-cyclic anti-depressant for very severe IBS, he looks bloody awful and is working all the hours to get his new business off the ground. I don’t know what to say for the best.

I would put bets on that she is not pregnant at all

Mamma, she's produced the test, pregnant 2/3 weeks - not sure if this means she's tested before she's even late as back in the day you had to be 2 weeks late for the tests to work and we called that 6 weeks preg counting from first day of last period. Don't understand the new fangled sticks.

Think that means she's prob missing her period around now. Yes- still counted from first day of last period so she's prob about a month gone.

She doesn't realise how silly she's been.

Just know that your son and your grandchild to be will be ok. This will be ok. Best advice is to ensure he doesn't get involved in slanging matches, keeps his head high and puts the baby first.

Thank you, I know we'll get through it. Just shocked and angry for my lovely boy right now.

I honestly can't believe what I'm reading. [shocked]

If a man definitely doesn't want to be a father, he makes damned sure he uses a condom.

If he doesn't, it's in full knowledge that he'll accept the consequences and the responsibility if conception occurs.

It's utterly horrible to see women being so nasty about another young woman.

No-one knows she 'tricked' him into anything at all. The pill isn't 100% foolproof FFS.

You know what leavenheath- you're wrong. If somebody tells a man she's on the pill and that is their chosen method then she should not stop taking it and he should not be berated for not using a condom. Of course, if its a case if the pill being ineffective then it's a totally different matter.

I know of two very close friends who did exactly this- they told they're on-off boyfriends that they were protected, in order to become pregnant they stopped the pill. Quite noticeably neither friend has ever asked for child maintenance despite financual hardship or made demands for regular access as they know neither man wanted to be a father. In one case he was actually saying he never wanted to be a dad. Are going to really say he should have worn a condom even though she said she was protected and he had no reason to mistrust her?? Should we all be using condoms just incase our partners are cheating??

Of course she tricked him.

She led him to believe she was still taking the contraceptive pill when in actual fact she wasn't because she wanted to get pregnant.

In a long term, trusting relationship it is usual to choose contraception as a couple, and to trust your partner to that decision.

She wanted to be pregnant in order to tie him to her. She gets to decide if she keeps the baby. He does not. Mamma is right. Do all men have to wear condoms just incase their partners are breaking the trust, having decided between them that the pill was their choice of contraception?

No I'm not wrong.

If someone definitely doesn't want to conceive a child, that person makes damned sure he uses contraception, regardless of what his partner tells him.

This bloke wanted out of the relationship, but was still having unprotected sex with the woman concerned. This was hardly a long term, trusting relationship. It was on the skids.

If it's actually true that this woman stopped taking her contraceptive pill and lied, that is reprehensible of course. But the consequences of that decision are going to be far greater for her, having to give birth and possibly become that child's primary carer.

No prospective father can bleat about a conception that he took no precautions himself to avoid.

We really must bust these myths about men being 'tricked' into pregnancies they want to avoid. They do have options, just as much as women do.

Oh for gods sake...if she did trick him he was toy out if order and has decided that he is to become a parent.

If a man told a woman that he would wear condoms and then pierced a hole in it, would you berate the woman for not being on the pill??? I think not. You'd talk about how he was selfish and controlling and abusive.

Yes- she does have to carry the child, give birth and must likely be the main carer. Bloody hard work alone. To be honest- if she only knew how hard she might have waited until she was with a man who was also ready to be a parent.

Actually leavenheath she had an implant which she had to go and deliberately have removed, and most men in relationships do not use additional contraception. She tricked him and that's wicked.

She did trick him. She took away his choice to decide when he becomes a father. If it was the other way around (the hole in the condom scenario) I'd say the same.

Forget male/female for a moment....one person just tucked with another persons life in a big way. Unforgivable.

It is exactly the same for a woman Mama. If a woman definitely doesn't want to get pregnant, she takes contraception measures herself rather than trust someone else to take care of it.

Actually Catherine, all the young men I know who absolutely don't want to be fathers yet, use condoms. So you have no idea what 'most men' do.

Oh ffs...typos galore 'fucked with another persons life'...

And yes, it is wicked.

Leaven- in committed relationships they use condoms??? That is the opposite of all my friends as we were going through our 20s. The only friends who used condoms in long term relationships were those where the partners couldn't be on the pill. In on-off relationships yes, a guy should defo use a condom but if the pair are a proper item and there is trust then one jointly chosen method is enough.

No- if I had agreed with a boyfriend that condoms were our method I would not feel I needed to also be in the pill.

As women we are totally responsible for when we become pregnant. We are the one who carries the child, and we get to decide. We also get to decide if we do not want the child. His wants do not come into it.

Catherine, I am sorry your son is facing this.

I can't believe a woman took out her implant in secret and then got pregnant and your laying the blame at the feet if the man.

I'm a feminist. Sometimes, people on here put forward feminist arguments for the sake of it. In a minute somebody will pipe up with "it's her right to choose when she becomes a mother regardless of his feelings on the subject".

There we go.... Unreal.

His wants should come into it BEFORE conception ie- she shouldn't have lied and manipulated.

Are you forgetting that a child will be involved here?? How irresponsible to bring a child into the world by tricking the father.

This wasn't a committed relationship. It was on the skids and they both knew it.

Plus I think you're missing the point here Mama. Of course not every couple in a committed relationship use double contraception or even contraception at all. But those tend to be couples or individuals who accept the fact that the choices they've made might result in a pregnancy and they are willing to accept the consequences of that.

I don't know how many times I have to say this, but if someone definitely doesn't want to conceive a child and accept the consequences of conception, it is that person's responsibility to use contraception.

How did he not notice she'd had it removed??

Leavenheath you obviously feel strongly about this. I personally don't know anyone who uses double contraception in a long term relationship. To be using condoms whilst they were exclusive for several years and between them had decided on their contraception would surely have indicated an epic lack of trust. I'm quite sure that if she had said she didn't want to use hormones he would have taken responsibility. They were a couple, she lied in the most appalling and destructive way possible, a child is the consequence.

They have them in their arm nicknacks, at least my DD has, it's the size of a hair grip you can't really feel it.

I totally agree with you mamma, his wants are nothing to her. I honestly believe that her thoughts are nothing to do with actually having a child and more to do with keeping him with her.

Men do have contraceptive options, but most couples decide together. She took that decision away by having her implant removed.

And once pregnant, by dishonesty, men have no options. No myth. He was tricked.

Yes, it was in the skids but not over. They were still in the relationship. She shouldn't have done it and that's that. He didnt want to be a father and she was supposed to have the implant. A joint decision. She had no right, end of. You do not just decide its time for a baby regardless if the fathers wishes. Totally selfish.

Yes- a child is the consequence, but hey apparently if a woman decides to get pregnant the mans wants don't come into it. I've read it all now.

You write as though men have no choices whatsoever in this.

They do.

I'm equally astonished that so many women are letting men in general off the hook for failing to take responsibility for preventing a conception they don't want.