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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sad and worried.....

118 replies

Catherine1932 · 24/01/2014 14:42

I’m fairly new on MN, so not sure if this is the best place to post this….DS2 is in his mid 20s, obviously I’m biased but he’s kind and lovely, however he’s realised he doesn’t want to marry his girlfriend; since she started saying she wanted a baby it really made him think about it long and hard; he was honest, told her no, he doesn’t want this now but she backed off on the baby thing and begged him to stay and see if they could improve things, to which he agreed and the relationship has limped along for another couple of months.

He told her at the weekend that he definitely doesn’t want to carry on in the relationship, he isn’t in love with her and they are too young to settle for this…….and she played the trump card. After he first said he felt they’d run their course she secretly stopped contraception and she’s pregnant and saying a termination is out of the question.

He is beside himself, can’t stand the thought of being with her even more now she’d do something like this, certain he doesn’t want to spend his life with her, is facing fatherhood which he expressly told her he wasn’t ready for, plus the prospect of being roundly abused for leaving her whilst pregnant.

I’m heartbroken for him, furious with her, also frustrated with him that it’s been allowed to happen, don’t get me wrong, and fearful for his health too. He’s prone to anxiety and just been prescribed a low dose of a tri-cyclic anti-depressant for very severe IBS, he looks bloody awful and is working all the hours to get his new business off the ground. I don’t know what to say for the best.

OP posts:

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 25/01/2014 01:48

Are you sure she hasn't gotten a pregnant friend to POAS?
Just saying. Seen this happen before.

Logg1e · 25/01/2014 08:43

He should have taken responsibility for contraception, given that he was having sex with a woman he wasn't sure about staying with. She shouldn't have lied and tricked him.

It's all done now though, and it's not worth crying over, as the baby's on its way.

stickysausages · 25/01/2014 08:52

What's done is done, as a mother I understand why you are furious & upset, however he is a grown man, not a teenage boy... and all you can do is be there for him, while he clears up his own 'mess'.

She might not be pregnant. Or she may well be pregnant. If she is, there's nothing you or he can do, except wait until baby is born, get a dna test out you doubt her, then take responsibility for that child.

The relationship with the mother is over, so he needs to concentrate on moving forward.

Sounds like she has plans for the future though... uni etc. So perhaps the prospect of single parenthood won't be so appealing, when she realises she hasn't 'trapped' him.

Please try to stay out of things, just listen & support your son.

Yogii · 25/01/2014 09:13

"I’m fairly new on MN, so not sure if this is the best place to post this…"

So that's a no then Op, not if you want support rather than your thread turning into a debate about extreme views.

SarahBumBarer · 25/01/2014 09:26

Hi Catherine - I'm really sorry about this. I do think that in a LTR (even one having problems) you should be able to trust that a partner who has agreed to taking care of contraceptives to do so especially when the issue was a specific bone of contention and the decision (not to conceive) agreed. I would like to see the response to people on the board to a suggestion that beacuse a LTR is having problems it is OK to break trust and cheat...

But it is where it is. I actually would never think badly of a guy who left a partner while pregnant if he did the right thing by the child in terms of financial and emotional support and good co-parenting. Your son needs to be stronger than he has to date, be firm in his resolve and decisions and not get sucked again into things he knows are not right (like continuing this relationship) for an easy life. Life will be tough now for him but it will stay tough long term if he does not find his resolve now and turn this into the best that it can be. His ex sounds manipulative and he needs to be able to cope with that and resist her game-plays.

Whocansay · 25/01/2014 09:32

I don't think the OP has been bitchy. She's had big shock and wants to protect her son. I wouldn't be feeling particularly warm towards this young woman either.

And do people really 'double up' on contraception when they're in a relationship? I admit, it's the right thing to do, but I don't recall doing this. Surely if your having sex with someone in a relationship you should be allowed to trust that they are going to continue with the agreed contraception method?

The OP's son's choice was taken away as his ex deliberately deceived him. She has admitted she did this. I can't believe that anyone would defend her position.

I also suspect ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight is right. I hope so.

Cerisier · 25/01/2014 09:40

I hope those MNers with sons make them aware that this sort of thing can happen. A very sad story OP.

I hope it is a false alarm and she has got a pregnant friend to POAS. Make sure DS writes down dates while he can remember.

Logg1e · 25/01/2014 10:25

And do people really 'double up' on contraception when they're in a relationship?

No, but if I would if I wasn't in a committed, long term relationship and if falling pregnant would be terrible and break my mother's heart then I would.

M0naLisa · 25/01/2014 10:29

You can't really blame the lad. She was On the pill - had he have known she would have
Come off the pill then yes he could have worn a condom but he wasn't to know she would be snidey and come off the pill. I'd be furious

Logg1e · 25/01/2014 10:33

It's an important point, that those of us with children teach them that they are each responsible for their own fertility.

StarSwirl92 · 25/01/2014 10:45

It's not about men not having choices, it's about this man not having a choice. Even if the implant was just a safety net (until recently it was my OH and my main method) taking that safety net away is wrong. if someone cuts the rope of a climber, who is at fault for their fall? Climber or saboteur?

itwillgetbettersoon · 25/01/2014 10:57

Ok so say he did wear a condom and she still fell pregnant because we all know condons are not 100% safe. Do we then say he should have worn two or had the snip to ensure he was 100% safe? Ultimately SHE lied to have a baby. She has made that decision and SHE took that choice away from him.

I have two sons. I will also defend women 100% but not on this occasion. It terrifies me when my sons start dating as ultimately unless they have the snip they are never sure if they are involved in the choice to have a baby.

Logg1e · 25/01/2014 10:59

But any two people have that risk during hetero-sex. I just don't buy this "poor little boy" line.

homeaway · 25/01/2014 11:12

Oh op what a sad situation, he must be in bits with the deceipt. I would agree with another poster on here who suggested a dna test to check that the baby is in fact his , especially after reading another thread on here about secrets. If it is his then he will have to step up to the plate and I am sure he will, but what a sad way for a woman to try and keep a relationship going.

stickysausages · 25/01/2014 11:15

Getting pregnant is the oldest trick in the book, the ultimate last ditch attempt to make someone stay. I've seen it so many times, it never ends happily, I wish people would realise this.

Original poster

Catherine1932 · 25/01/2014 11:54

Phew, a wide range of views indeed, some of them extreme as Yogii said a while ago – not unexpected I guess, it’s an emotive subject. I’m grateful for the supportive replies, and shocked, seriously that any woman would defend the right of another woman to become pregnant by deliberate deceit. It is to my mind an abhorrent and indefensible act, and if perpetrated on a woman by a man most of you would be screaming abuse!!

Comments like “you’ll just have to get used to the idea of becoming a grandmother” are petty and gloating, inexplicable since we are strangers and I have no axe to grind with you and there is no reason why you would with me. We can have different opinions, it’s not personal.

This was not an accident or a careless disregard for the consequences; none of my kids are in any doubt whatsoever what my response would be if they came to me in that situation. They are 100% aware of my expectations of them with regard to taking responsibility for their own lives and actions, and we have never shied away from the subject of contraception and sexual health since they reached puberty.

If he is guilty of anything it is of yielding to emotional blackmail and staying too long, and of not anticipating that she was capable of such heinous behaviour; women do this all the time and we offer them our support and sympathy.

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 25/01/2014 12:01

Women do what all the time?

You must be deliberately misreading if you think anyone's defending a woman's right to get pregnant by deceit. No-one has defended that, or her for that matter. A rare few have said if your son wanted to prevent a pregnancy in a failing relationship, he should have worn a condom.

Logg1e · 25/01/2014 12:12

I think the grandmother comments are not petty or vindictive. I think that they are focusing on what's important and not spending time and energy on what's done and dusted.

itwillgetbettersoon · 25/01/2014 13:55

So out of interest do I advise my sons never ever trust a partner when she says she ison the Pill and to always use a condom if they are not 100% certain that they want a child with that woman? Only asking because as a woman I've been on the pill and never once have I asked my LT partners to use a condom too - except for std reasons before we have been cleared.

Tonandfeather · 25/01/2014 14:09

Up to you what you say to your sons. I say to mine that if they 100% DON'T want a pregnancy, to use a condom. That's a very different set of circumstances to 'not being 1o0% certain they want a child' isn't it?

Why if you were on the pill would you ask a partner to use a condom, if the contraception wasn't used for disease protection? That would be his decision and would have nothing to do with a request from you. You'd be covering your own back re. conception. Up to him if he wants to cover his. If he felt strongly he didn't want to risk it to trust, chance or contraception failure, he'd use a condom wouldn't he?

I think posters are missing the subtleties of this completely with these incorrect analogies that have cropped up.

Tonandfeather · 25/01/2014 14:29

By the way, I'm wondering whether some writers here are a bit stuck in a 70s/80s timewarp.

As far as I can tell, it's accepted by younger folks that if pregnancy would be a disaster for BOTH of them, they double up. If it would be a disaster for ONE of them, that one protects him/herself. Folks who wouldn't choose pregnancy but don't feel it would be a disaster if it happened don't bother, leave it to trust, hope what they are using works and accept responsibility if a child is made. They think all this bleugh about trust is stuff 'n' nonsense and the fodder for romantic bullcrap.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/01/2014 15:03

Ton and feather...don't know which young people you hang around with but I can tell you I don't think 'doubling up' with contraception has become the done thing when you don't want children.

One condom or the pill is enough. That's if some deceitful person isn't going to sabotage it and decide to deliberately get pregnant without the other person knowing.

Tonandfeather · 25/01/2014 15:39

Maybe not for the young people you know? Then again I'm not sure how many young people you speak to about this? Maybe that's an assumption of yours if you don't actually talk to people about it?

I have older children who are sexually active, work with lots of younger people and have lots of nephews and nieces in their twenties. I also volunteer in a school and know what gets covered in the sex ed. training. Boys are told that if they want to prevent a pregnancy, they take responsibility even if they are in a relationship. That's the norm.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/01/2014 15:45

You must be right then ton and feather.

And of course....if they're told something in sex ed, they ALL do as they've been taught dont they?! Nut that the uk has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy or anything.

Tonandfeather · 25/01/2014 15:46

Anyway, surely this thread must have persuaded some of you romantics that your boys using condoms if they don't want to be fathers is the way to go, hasn't it?

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