So sad and worried.....

[Catherine1932]

I’m fairly new on MN, so not sure if this is the best place to post this….DS2 is in his mid 20s, obviously I’m biased but he’s kind and lovely, however he’s realised he doesn’t want to marry his girlfriend; since she started saying she wanted a baby it really made him think about it long and hard; he was honest, told her no, he doesn’t want this now but she backed off on the baby thing and begged him to stay and see if they could improve things, to which he agreed and the relationship has limped along for another couple of months.

He told her at the weekend that he definitely doesn’t want to carry on in the relationship, he isn’t in love with her and they are too young to settle for this…….and she played the trump card. After he first said he felt they’d run their course she secretly stopped contraception and she’s pregnant and saying a termination is out of the question.

He is beside himself, can’t stand the thought of being with her even more now she’d do something like this, certain he doesn’t want to spend his life with her, is facing fatherhood which he expressly told her he wasn’t ready for, plus the prospect of being roundly abused for leaving her whilst pregnant.

I’m heartbroken for him, furious with her, also frustrated with him that it’s been allowed to happen, don’t get me wrong, and fearful for his health too. He’s prone to anxiety and just been prescribed a low dose of a tri-cyclic anti-depressant for very severe IBS, he looks bloody awful and is working all the hours to get his new business off the ground. I don’t know what to say for the best.

And hopefully persuaded irresponsible, selfish young girls not to use pregnancy as a way to try to make a man stay with them- when they have said they're not ready to be a father.

I doubt many young girls come on this forum, but I can't imagine many moms or dads promoting that option to their daughters, can you?

No-one's said what this woman did was right. I think she's mad to do it and it's a wrong course of action.

But that doesn't get away from the fact that if this man or any man didn't want to be fathers, they should have made darned sure to protect against it.

Of course that's true. Hindsight is wonderful and I'm sure this young man will be telling his friends this in the future.

If she hadnt have lied and deceitfully removed the jointly chosen contraception then she wouldn't be pregnant. That's the bottom line for me, the lies and deceit.

I guess the message to you g people should be take care of your own contraception incase the person you thought you could trust turns out to be a liar??

Also- it's not just young girls that do this, my friend was 31! For the last 5 years I've been watching and helping her through the shit storm it's caused. At the centre of which is a 5 year old girl that has no relationship with her father :(

I am really sorry for your son, what a horrible situation to be in. However, I cannot help like giving him a slap, why did he continue to have sex with her once he decided they should no longer be together?

The message is take care of your own contraception period, unless you're willing to accept the consequences. Not just because someone might lie, but because no singular method of contraception is 100% guaranteed.

I'd rephrase that to "If this young guy had worn a condom, even if the woman had lied and removed her implant, a pregnancy would probably not have occurred."

As soon as you said she backed off from the wanting a baby, I knew how the rest of your post would go.

It's the oldest trick in the book, my sister did it to her now dh. Three kids & 20+yrs later, he is as miserable as sin. They both are really, just neither of them can admit it & 'lose face'.

But like my BIL, your ds had choices. He left his fate in her hands. More fool him. Now he has to live up to his responsibilities.

His wants do not come into it.

They do if he doesn't want a child.

I really don't think this was your sons fault, I really don't. If this was a one night stand then I can understand why yous would say it was his fault but come on, she deliberately tricked him into making a life long emotional and financial commitment that he did not want to make and that is before we start to look into what the consequences of this will be for the blameless child...............

Terrible, desperate woman!

And I think the op has got every right to be peeved off with her and even call her a few names!

Perhaps that's natural.

And then it's time to start thinking about how you're going to support your son and your grandchild's mother in order to support your grandchild.

Long time ago our contraception failed
I was very young my ExH was more mature

I was terrified but it was also my decision cos I've decided to have sex with him

My DC changed my life forever
I had to move change and stop school
I was put in deep water still being so immature

Today so many years later I'm so proud of myself my DC and grateful ironically to my exH

Even if my marriage did not worked
I'd never really blamed my ExH
I love my DC more than I would admit and I'm so proud of DC

However I did loved my ExH in way

Hope you're OK, OP. Have you spoken to your DS? He must be in bits.

Yes it was wrong of her but what’s done is done.

He doesn’t have to be involved with her or the baby and you don’t have to be a grandmother except in name.

He should be responsible for maintenance.

I think you need to remain calm be supportive and stop being heartbroken.

In a long term relationship I think it is pretty acceptable to trust your partner with BC.

Before my dh got the snip he trusted I would use my BC like I said I would. If I was to come off it without telling him then yes, I think I would deserve most of the blame.

I don't know any men in a long term relationship wear a condom just incase their partners comes off the pill without telling them. If that was the case some men would be wearing them for a very long time.

Trusting someone who you are in a long term relationship with agreed bc is what most people do. I teach my children to take control of their own birth control of course but in a long term relationship I certainly wouldn't blame them if their partners decided to come off bc without telling them.

Do all of your husbands wear condoms just in case you decide to stop your bc or do they just trust you to carry on with your agreed to decision?

I am sorry OP for what you are going through

I've been with my partner for over 2 years we have a 13 month old daughter it was both are decision for me to get the implant out my arm so I could fall pregnant I ain't on no birth control we just use condoms if we don't have any we just don't do it which is both are decision. Iwould in no way have got it out with out him knowing cuz at the end off the day it should be a two way choice cuz it takes two to make and two to look after it so she shouldn't have the right to make the decision for him if she knew he didn't want in the first place

This is just stupid.

The poster's son WASN'T IN a long term relationship. He was trying to end one.

Questions about what people do in their long term relationships especially if conception mightn't be the end of the world are just plain stupid.

As are all the posts about "blame". Blame isn't the same thing as responsibility for heaven's sake.

Agreed it was trying to end it so he should have ceased sex. Or used extra protection .