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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has announced that he is going to stay with MIL for a while, leaving me alone with DS

129 replies

ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 18:27

Just that really. Not even to my face, he sent a text during work.

History -We have a 10moDS. I teach Secondary, 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week in the same school (non teaching though). DS is hard work, and we have had a miserable few months since I went back to work. We are shattered. DS does not sleep well.

We both suffer from MH issues - both on antidepressants and DH recently completed 4 years of counselling.

DH keeps telling me that he is not coping with being a Dad. I feel the same, it has been so hard recently. But I do just "get on with it" whereas DH cannot do this. DH gets extremely anxious when DS is stressing him out.

And that's why I think he has gone to stay with MIL. I'm not sure what I feel. I didn't speak to anyone at work about it (they all have to work with him too) and I'm just sitting here wondering if this is ok? Am I ok with this?

I'm too embarrassed to tell DM (she also works in the same school). All my friends work at the school too. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I think I feel let down...? What do I do next?

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 23/01/2014 22:19

birdybear Confused erm have you read the thread? The OP has stood by & supported for years - her H has had 4 years of counselling!

There comes a point when for your own mental welbeing you have to draw a line, IMHO.

zipzap · 23/01/2014 22:22

Is there any way that you can stall on the house purchase or even pull out of it for now? Might mean losing a few thousand pounds now (was it a non-refundable deposit?) but might end up losing lots more further down the line if it goes through now... Or do you think that it might help?

It seems a big thing to have been able to done if he is in such a bad place at the moment...

Again - maybe does this point to him just thinking screw it, I'm going to go back to my mum and get some sleep, regardless of what position it leaves you and your ds...

Mellowandfruitful · 23/01/2014 22:24

Agree with going to stay with your mum. You need help. You have been let down. And I would tell people. Not telling them suggests you have something to be embarrassed about, and you don't. Plus it heaps more pressure on you if you are keeping secret the extra stress you are now under. Please at least confide in one person.

The first few months back at work can be unbelievably hard. Often a young child is still sleeping badly and yet you feel like you're supposed to be 'back to normal'. But it will get better. You will come through this, with or without your DH. It's a pity that he has taken up the option to chuck in the towel that you don't have. Hard to get past that.

TheFabulousIdiot · 23/01/2014 22:25

This happened to me. I peactically begged him not to go so he didn't. I wish I had called his bluff in hindsight.

However mental health issues were not the reason.

Do you think it WILL just be for two or three days? Can you keep communication going over those two days.

birdybear · 23/01/2014 22:27

Yes i have read the thread. He hasn't been terrible to her for four years, at least she hasn't said that he has been. He has simply been talking to someone once a fortnight or whatever.

He obviously is not coping now with what is happening. Some people can't cope . It doesn't make him a bad person. She hasn't said he is abusive. He needs to learn how to work through this.

lovemenot · 23/01/2014 22:28

You say he is much older than you? (I imagined him to be in his 20's). What's his relationship history?

Did you think he was coping or did you sense he was losing it over the last few weeks? I ask because while you sound numb and confused, you don't sound entirely shocked.

MH or not, I think his behaviour is appalling and cowardly. Surely, given that you have supported him for all this time, he should have turned to you, not away from you.

Hope you manage to get some sleep x

breatheslowly · 23/01/2014 22:54

I don't think that we can really know enough about your relationship to be making the massive leaps that are being suggested on this thread. If I was the OP in this situation, I would go and stay with my DM and confide in her. But big decisions and LTB really can wait.

Joysmum · 23/01/2014 23:23

I seem to be in a minority here. I usually am because I tend to look at threads as if it were me and my hubby. This means I'm looking at ways to try to save the relationship, not end it!

If this were me and my hubby, I'd be very concerned about him. Concerned because he's a good bloke with a good heart (wouldn't have married him otherwise) who would never intentionally hurt me. So if my husband needed to escape, he'd be in a right state to need to do so.

I could of course blame him, be angry and talk about me and my needs. I could also see it that he knew I'd be ok, knew how hard it'd be for me but even so, self preservation meant he'd had to run.

All this must very distressing and I guess you need to ask yourself if you want to continue in a marriage with a husband who struggles with his mental health to the extent that he needs to escape on occasion for self preservation.

For me and my hubby, or my hubby and me even, we'd find it hard of course but we wouldn't want to end the marriage. This isn't about us though, it's about you and what is acceptable to you.

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/01/2014 23:27

Your MIL should tell him to MTFU to his responsibilities as an adult and send him back. I know one who did precisely this, and another who welcomed her baby boy back with open arms.

breatheslowly · 23/01/2014 23:41

Joysmum - I'd be the same. I've got a lovely husband who has stood by me when I have found life hard and one day it will be my turn to do the same for him.

rach2713 · 23/01/2014 23:42

Sorry but having a mental health problem isn't a choice even with therapy it will never go away it will always be there and as she state's a lot has gone on in the past year they have a 10 month old baby just got married and bought a house. Yes ok it ain't fair that he gone away for a few days and she's left with the baby but if that was me I would rather him go get his head clear and come back then something worse to happen and if her mum is willing to help her out then she should stay with her so she can get a rest aswell

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/01/2014 00:08

I'm bipolar with a long history of depression and PND before that.

DH and I separated for 18 months about 5 years ago. It was very, very hard (especially living apart from the DDs - I was the one who left the family home). One of the advantages of our time apart was that it taught me to take ownership and responsibility for my own mental health, and not to rely on DH always being there to pick up the pieces. If I wanted to see the DDs I couldn't just retreat to my bed, I had to get myself up and dressed and over to the house, which then spurred me on and made it easier to keep my appointments, exercise, interact with the outside world, all those good things that can help a person with severe depression.

After lots of treatment (meds, counselling and family/couples therapy) we are a strong and stable family. We have a "Hearts Household Crisis Plan" in place in case I ever go spectacularly off the rails again.

I am telling you this because perhaps there is a longer game to be played (just an expression, I do not really think this is a game!) here, rather than just kicking him out and that's that for your marriage.

DH was however fully prepared to separate permanently and divorce if I hadn't started to look after myself as best I could.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/01/2014 00:09

Good luck OP.

Quinteszilla · 24/01/2014 00:19

He planned this. He wanted you and your ds moved in with your mum, to ensure it was as smooth a break up for you as possible, I think.

I suggest you do move in with her. Do not complete. But let him know you respect his wishes to move on, and that you wont complete on this house with him but are moving in with his mum. Ask him to deal with the solicitors regards to this as it is his mess, not yours. You are busy being a single working mum, so wont take that on.

Quinteszilla · 24/01/2014 00:20

that was meant to read "moving in with your mum" not moving in with his mum...

GarlicReturns · 24/01/2014 00:33

I'm still reeling at the news you FORGOT he's done this before!

Have you ever considered that your mental health problems may have been connected with having an unreliable wimp of a husband, who literally refuses to face up to anything he finds awkward? I bet he was an absolute rock for you, when your parents divorced and you were pregnant.

Your later posts really are the only sensible way forward. I am sorry for your disappointment but, no, you cannot and shouldn't carry an adult who doesn't also carry you ... He's got his mum, and your little boy has you. I'm relieved to hear your mother's supportive. Time for a lot of grown-up phone calls tomorrow. Hope you got a decent sleep.

BigPawsBrown · 24/01/2014 00:48

I abhor the stigmatised notion that mentally unwell people cannot write in perfect sentences.

GarlicReturns · 24/01/2014 01:10

Haha, I must have missed that post, Paws! Kind of misses the point about many of our greatest poets, playwrights & novelists, doesn't it Wink

Firekraken · 24/01/2014 01:11

I know this will sound bad, but ffs, 'me and my hubby' just makes me want to throw up, or 'up throw to want me makes just' even.

ApocalypseThen · 24/01/2014 07:05

The problem isn't that he's struggling to cope or that he needs time. The problem is that he made a unilateral decision about and then dumped it all on the OP leaving her with his responsibilities. It's not a "I wub my hubby" so just let him fly away, he'll come back in his own time thing.

OP, he may be unwell, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't be able to talk about how you both will cope, because if he needs respite, you do too and I don't see how you can get any with him.

DrNick · 24/01/2014 07:10

This guy has opted out. And it might be because he is very ckose to the edge. Don't put a baby with him out of a churlish feeling that it's his turn fgs

DrNick · 24/01/2014 07:10

You need help. Get your mum over. Donf give him. The baby. Don't.

livingzuid · 24/01/2014 07:50

He hasn't left you. He's shutting down and doesn't know what to do. However going to his mum isn't going to help because he's running away from the causes of the problem (whatever that might be).

Untreated, MH makes us do crazy things that we are mortified by when we are better. There will be days when our dd is born that I won't be able to care for her due to MH and dh will have to take over. But that's OK we have it worked out as a strategy in place with us and my care team. You may need to look at something similar.

He sounds like a man who is not coping at all and is pretty unwell and his mum is not helping. Are you sure he's been diagnosed correctly? 4 years is an exceedingly long time to be in counselling and still in flight mode. Did it really have any benefit looking back? I used to do this all the time too but receiving medication and very tough and difficult psychotherapy it's getting better. Not healed, probably never will be, but able to cope most days.

It's a horrible feeling, your whole brain shuts down and you feel 100% out of control - and you really are out of control. It's actually terrifying. Just maybe, he has checked out because he is scared of being around the child right now and is convinced he might hurt him in some way.

He sounds from his texts exceedingly afraid. But he has to go to his doctor. It is fucking scary to sit there and say I need help. But that's what he has to do. Would be a deal breaker for me if he refuses to deal with this.

Really sorry you are going through this and hope you both get better and can enjoy ds properly one day as a family Thanks

livingzuid · 24/01/2014 07:54

And what hearts said. Great post. He's got to take responsibility for his health and not keep relying on running away to provide a short term fix.

TeenyW123 · 24/01/2014 07:57

Jesus! I thought I was in AIBU.

There's 1 or 2 more caring posters joining in now. He does sound like a weak knobhead, but the flip side of the coin is his MH.

Get thee to thy mums and until you know what his long term intentions are, without his enabling mothers influence, get some peace and sleep and restore your own equilibrium.

When you can actually see the wood for the trees, and ignoring some of the hysterics on this thread, you may find a clearer way forward.