DH has announced that he is going to stay with MIL for a while, leaving me alone with DS

[ApplySomePressure]

Just that really. Not even to my face, he sent a text during work.

History -We have a 10moDS. I teach Secondary, 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week in the same school (non teaching though). DS is hard work, and we have had a miserable few months since I went back to work. We are shattered. DS does not sleep well.

We both suffer from MH issues - both on antidepressants and DH recently completed 4 years of counselling.

DH keeps telling me that he is not coping with being a Dad. I feel the same, it has been so hard recently. But I do just "get on with it" whereas DH cannot do this. DH gets extremely anxious when DS is stressing him out.

And that's why I think he has gone to stay with MIL. I'm not sure what I feel. I didn't speak to anyone at work about it (they all have to work with him too) and I'm just sitting here wondering if this is ok? Am I ok with this?

I'm too embarrassed to tell DM (she also works in the same school). All my friends work at the school too. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I think I feel let down...? What do I do next?

Talk to your DM and why don't you move in with your DM for a while as planned, at least that will give you a bit of a break.

I think your DH has acted in a cowardly selfish way, but having said that I was a basket case when DS wasn't sleeping.

In the short term I'd focus on doing what you need to do to get through the next few days, see what your H comes back with, don't do anything rash.

Drop your child over at MILs and take a day off this weekend for yourself to catch up on sleep. She can help look after her grandchild.

He needs to grow up. MH issues and being a twat are rather different things, I think, and many many people with severe MH problems do their best (as you are doing) to be present and reliable in their children's lives.

However he feels, he is still a dad. Encourage him to be the chief carer for precisely 50% of the time he is away from you.

His mother sounds unhelpful. The fact he runs to her is very telling.

yes I do have a history of MH. I was dealing with it brilliantly until a couple of months ago, same with DH. In hindsight I can see that we were both very naive when it came to discussing how we would cope with a DC. We did not expect it to be this hard for so many months.

Fire, he did not abandon a child bleeding to death, he left his son with his mother. The two are not the same.

Both dh and I have somewhat serious mental health issues. Dh is on medication and I have had pnd do severely I was very nearly hospitalised 10 years ago. We have two dc aged 11 and 19 months.

Dh would not have done this in a million years.

This is not about mental health. Lots of people have serious mental illness and seek help or get help with their families guidance and make and recovery. This is about being an immature twat who runs to his mum because it is an easy way out.

You deserve better.

I am so tempted to ask him what days he will have DS whilst he's at MIL - but I know that it will not end well. It will just push him further into his anxiety/depressive episode.

I'm so confused. Parts of me are so angry at him for just leaving us like this. Parts of me feel guilty because I've been telling him to "get on with it" and "man up" and I know that these are not helpful things to say to someone with depression. It makes him feel even more worthless.

I just wished we had spoken about this. I would have no problems with arranging alternate nights off.

We have only been married for 5 months.

Given that his mother has MH issues by her own admission doctrine there might be a chance that the OP could have taken hern own life and her son's life with her. So don't go imagining the best-case scenario with a man as unstable as this.

Think of the worst case scenario.

I can't believe the OP is still defending her husband.

He has had four years of counselling, he is still a fuck up. he can not 'get on with it'

At least the OP is talking in these terms. She needs support, encouragement and the gift of wisdom to see that she doesn't need this man and his MIL putting her child at risk of being fostered.

I have just received another text...

applysome pressure this will not end well.

He has finished four years of therapy - did he end this therapy/counselling at an agreed time when he was well enough to be signed offm, or did he sign himself off?

Either way, if you continue to think like this, it is not going to end well for either of you.

Do you have a stable member of your family (not his0 that your DC can stay with for a couple of days while you sort out solicitor and finances.

Apply

I felt that it was best for all us if I stay with my DM for the next couple of days. I just seem to have fallen into a hole that I am struggling to get out of. It's not just tiredness, I feel really disconnected from the world and really not myself. I am scared. I know I need to keep it together for DS, but the more pressure I feel the worse I feel. Hopefully with some space I can get my head sorted.

I am nervous about seeing the Dr as I feel he will just sign me off of work and I would feel even more useless - at home and at work. I hope that you understand. I am sorry that I am not more resiliant, it's the way I have always been and I do try my best. I want us to be a happy family and not like this. xxx

I don't know whether this is truly MH issues or him being a twat but IMO you're better off contacting a solicitor and instigating a break. He's pretty much deserted you.

So sorry OP. I really feel for you, and I'm sorry about your and your DH's mental health issues, but this was totally unacceptable behaviour IMO. Your DS is around for life and it will be difficult sometimes, he can't just bugger off leaving you to cope with all if it claiming depression every time this happens.

Tbh what he does next is very telling. He needs to realise and accept that he's done wrong, grovel like hell, commit to getting himself sorted and never ever doing this again. If he doesn't then you are better off without him as you'd be looking after 2 kids otherwise.

Go and stay with your mum to get some headspace and a rest. Your mum will prob know something's up anyway...

Fire - he stopped just after DS was born. He said that he felt 4 years was enough and his counsellor agreed. I think that he needs to go back.

The mention of solicitors frightens me. I have no idea what to think. I am sorry, you are all offering advice...I am trying to take it all in...I do not want you to think that I am not listening. I am.

OP I strongly urge you to stop worrying about your DH & put yourself & your DC first. Get some help for yourself & take some of the pressure off.

Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing & you need assistance, if that is not from your DH then you need to get it from elsewhere. Did you say your DM would help? Go & stay with her & get some rest.

To make matters worse, this morning we exchanged on the house we are buying.

I'm so sorry.

I agree this isn't a mental health issue. There are lines you don't cross, no matter what sorts of struggles you have.

I think you need to some space to get out from under his manipulative crap. I recommend ignoring the texts. Write a letter to his mom's house saying you understand he's left the marital home and that you don't want contact for a while.

I say this because I get a strong feeling that he's used to getting his way through manipulation, and I bet it would help you to get some time away from him so you can get your head straight.

You mentioned being afraid of being confrontational with him (over the fact that HE ABANDONED HIS CHILD) because you didn't want to push him into an episode. And you say you're too ashamed to even bring it up with co-workers or your mother. Living with him has really made you doubt yourself.

I hope you get some real-life help and support for yourself. My first thought is actually to phone a dv helpline. You don't mention any dv, but they still would have referrals for practical support.

He has done something truly twatty and cowardly. Not sure I could forgive. But that text sounds pretty desperate. I think you need to get some support. More in with your DM. At least short term you re on your own and you need the physical and mental support to get through and protect your mental health.

One day at a time. No big decisions. Just one foot in front of the other.

There isn't any DV.

It sounds like he was already at the end of his tether and signing on the house has pushed him over the edge!

My XH (note the 'ex' part!) freaked out when I fell pregnant with DC2 because he couldn't handle the responsibility of having to provide for us all financially.
In hindsight, we were both young and immature when we got married, but having kids made me grow up and mature, whereas it made him panic and run back to Mummy!

I stuck it out for a few more years (and had DC3 - not planned!), but it was honestly like having an extra child to deal with and I got no support from him whatsoever.

OP, I really think you'd be best off at your mum's for the foreseeable future. Leave the ball in his court to step up and get the help he needs to allow him to become a decent husband and father. Don't be guilted into feeling responsible for him or he'll just carry on behaving like a child and expecting you to mother him

I think that he may need to reconsider his choice of talking therapy as 4 years is a very long time to be in counselling for. Perhaps a short burst of CBT or mindfulness therapy would be more useful to him.

You also might want to consider some form of sleep training or co-sleeping. These might not be things you really want to do, but my experience of both has been eye opening (particularly sleep training, which I wish we had done earlier).

Also, you haven't mentioned what childcare you use, but could you arrange/afford for your DS to have an extra day of childcare each week on your non-working day? You could then recharge your batteries and that could take some of the burden off both of you.

Apply very sorry to hear that your H is seemingly unable to cope with normal adult relationships, and has left you literally holding the baby.

You said that you were going to ask about what days he'd be looking after your son but "knew it wouldn't end well".... Sweetheart, aren't you tired of stepping on those eggshells?

Have a chat to your DM, you will need her support - and she will want to support you.

If, after 4years of counselling your H is still running home to his Mum at the first sign of bumps in the marital/parental road and evading/manipulating to get away with the least effort possible then now is your chance to decide that you want a better future for you and your little DS. Without him in it - most solicitors will do a free or low cost 30 min - hour appt...

Can I pass on 3 bits of advice I have read on MN which have helped me enormously over the past year (I lurk more than I post):

1. Before deciding you are depressed, first check you are not surrounded by arseholes;

1. Abusive relationships don't necessarily only involve DV - it can be emotional or financial abuse, which can be as devastating Women's Aid are there to support you;

1. When others offer help, be specific "could you take DS for 3 hours on Saturday - I am so overtired and really need some sleep"... So often people say "is there anything I can do", people want to help, they really do - you just need to ask clearly for what you need as while all of them are lovely and kind for offering none of them are actually mind readers!

Be kind to yourself and don't think you have to cover for his shitty behaviour at work! Speaking of work it would probably be a good idea to have a chat with whichever member of the SMT looks after you.

I am nervous about seeing the Dr as I feel he will just sign me off of work and I would feel even more useless - at home and at work. I hope that you understand. I am sorry that I am not more resiliant, it's the way I have always been and I do try my best. I want us to be a happy family and not like this. xxx

On so many levels, this is utter bollocks.

Shocking dereliction of duty and mahoosive manipulation.

He doesn't need CBT.

He needs to fuck off to beyond yonder.

Going against the grain here but the guy sounds like his MH is taking a turn for the worse, like st the moment he obviously just can't cope with everything. I understand that you and your ds are very important but when your back is against the wall due to poor MH what can he do. I respect that some individuals with MH problems would not do this but I think there are others who just have to get away from the situation. I don't think it's personal towards you and your son but I think your dh just can't cope.

Have to say, I agree with Firekraken here.

I'm not sure this will get better with time - his text reads to me as cringing, self-pitying, and manipulative. If he does come scuttling back in a week or so, you'll be on eggshells hoping not to provoke another walk-out. Not a way to live!

For the moment, I would ask him what days/nights he can take DS. But, this would be a dealbreaker for me I'm afraid.

Regarding your house purchase, how much is your exchange deposit?