DH has announced that he is going to stay with MIL for a while, leaving me alone with DS

[ApplySomePressure]

Just that really. Not even to my face, he sent a text during work.

History -We have a 10moDS. I teach Secondary, 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week in the same school (non teaching though). DS is hard work, and we have had a miserable few months since I went back to work. We are shattered. DS does not sleep well.

We both suffer from MH issues - both on antidepressants and DH recently completed 4 years of counselling.

DH keeps telling me that he is not coping with being a Dad. I feel the same, it has been so hard recently. But I do just "get on with it" whereas DH cannot do this. DH gets extremely anxious when DS is stressing him out.

And that's why I think he has gone to stay with MIL. I'm not sure what I feel. I didn't speak to anyone at work about it (they all have to work with him too) and I'm just sitting here wondering if this is ok? Am I ok with this?

I'm too embarrassed to tell DM (she also works in the same school). All my friends work at the school too. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I think I feel let down...? What do I do next?

[LisaMed]

Make him/his mother responsible for the house purchase because that is MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE potentially bad.

If you have exchanged you can be legally required to complete, and you can end up with all sorts of legal costs. It's not just the deposit, if any chain falls through you could be picking up the bill for legal costs all the way up the chain.

You need to make the car crash problem of the house into his/his mother's problem because you have been left with everything else

btw if it is a joint purchase then you are both legally liable but he needs to deal with this. At least he can deal with it on a good night's sleep.

I'm sorry that I'm writing such doom and gloom but the legals always need to be watched because the fall out of that can be horrific.

As for the rest, my opinion is that he has given you notice that if the going gets tough then he will leave you in the lurch. At the very least I would think you could assume you could never rely on him.

[Nilgiri]

I can't say anything helpful about OP's situation, other than to send her good wishes.

But please anyone reading, don't believe a single word Firekraken says about mental health - from "sue the counsellor if they can't cure mental illness" to "people with mental illness can't write properly."

It's the very worst kind of bullshit, written in an authoritative tone and bulked out with irrelevant detail for verisimilitude.

It's clear this person knows nothing whatever about mental illness and is happily inventing whatever suits her.

[Jess03]

Good luck op, I hope you have plans to get backup from your mum today. You need rest first and foremost before trying to think what to do. I don't about you but I find it hard to think clearly when tired.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Completely agree with nil girl.

[SoldeInvierno]

Firekraken and some other are clearly very angry and totally unable to find compassion for the guy. Would it have been better if he stayed and the OP came home to find it hanging from the ceiling lamp? MH issues are very complex and he is clearly not coping. OP, I think you should go to your mum's before you break down as well

[livingzuid]

OP just reading back - on the therapy front, if needed for both of you and it sounds very much as it is needed, please get a referral from your GP who can properly diagnose this and what treatment you need long term. Don't just get given some anti ds and told to go away. There is proper psychiatric and psychological support available, just as with everything, you have to nag which is a battle in itself.

I have experienced private, NHS and overseas state care and would go with the state system every time in both countries. It takes time to get in but once you are in it is superb and they have a vested interest in getting you better and able to function on your own.

It reads as if a counsellor has just taken your Mils money merrily for the last four years and not provided a real solution for your H. He may have used this as a crutch and now it's withdrawn has panicked. A small part of the puzzle admittedly and I am sure there is more to it than that/I may be wrong - but equally that was my experience of private. They ultimately just wanted to keep me on!

And reading back on this thread, people with Mh can write completely coherently at a time of breakdown. I couldn't speak for two weeks and my only form of communication with dh was by text and letter. I've also written some pretty lucid suicide notes (sorry for detail and not at all saying your dh is doing that, just to make a point). There's a lot of ill informed and hurtful comments on this and other threads about mental illness. Please go to experts and get some proper support rather than relying on some of these rather random comments on an online anonymous forum.

It is sadly true that many abusers say 'oh, I have mh thats why' or people refusing to accept responsibility for their families and wanting to move on develop some form of mysterious illness. This, however, detracts from us who have to live with mh every day and the real problems it can cause, adding to the stigma and misinformation out there.

From what you have posted I do believe you dh is ill, you should access some support and that you need to decide if you can see a long term future with this man if he refuses to get help.

Hope you manage to get a rest with your Dm and that your dh can recover.

[ApplySomePressure]

Ok- so I woke up and DH phoned. He's paid for DS to go into Nursery for the day and paid for a hotel 5mjns from Nursery so I can go sleep for the day. DH has gone to the Drs.

We spoke. I do believe he is in a dark place. Yes, in the past he has been used to getting his own way- but he understands that taking off wasn't the best thing for the family. He explained that if he had come home last night then it would have tipped him over the edge.

[Quinteszilla]

How do you feel about that?
Why a hotel?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

I find it easier to sleep in a hotel as I can't see the chores etc.

I hope you get some good sleep - get your head down and come back whenever you need to - it's completely up to you.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

OP I have enormous sympathy for you. And some for your DH. The thing is, however bad he feels he needs to continue co-parenting with you. By leaving so abruptly, on the assumption that you will just carry on and cope, he is really demanding that you (and DS) put all your needs on hold until he is ready to engage again.

It may have been the result of panic and ill-health, but that isn't on. I'm pleased to read that he has done something for you, but it was only after he'd presented you with a fait accompli. I think all you two can do is talk and come up with a crisis plan, based on everyone acknowledging the others in the family and their needs.

[Cataline]

So pleased that birdy, joysmum and breatheslowly have been on to the thread to talk some sense! All the talk of solicitors and LTB was a bit premature and ridiculous I thought.
Sure, your H has made a really bad decision, left you in the lurch and you are suffering the consequences but he does have a MH problem, you haven't said he is abusive or a monster and surely it's something that needs discussing and sorting together?
OP, I really hope things are looking more positive today.

[Joysmum]

That's progress at least.

I'm certainly not belittling the impact his behavior is having on you, just trying to ask you questions to help you to work out what is right for you rather than TELLING you what you should do as do many people seem to be doing

You can blame your hubby and get angry with him, or you can be angry at the situation you find yourself in and try to find a way through if you think your marriage is worth it.

If you feel the marriage is worth saving then getting angry at your hubby is only going to impede progress. Of course you are going to be angry with him if you feel he had the ability to cope and disregarded your feelings entirely.

If you believe he honestly behaved through feelings of self preservation, you could try to help him ride out this storm. Can you see any likelihood of him developing the skills needed to cope in future without resorting to this? If that's a no, could you accept a marriage where there is a danger of this happening intermittently.

All I can say is that many families do accept the intermittent bad times that hmm Issues bring because the good times would make it worthwhile unless it got too frequent so that the bad times outweighed the good. Do these bad times outweigh the good for you? Only YOU can answer that and you may need to take some time to reach your decision and that decision may change over time.


Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one that works for them but they aren't necessarily going to be of use to anyone else [else]

[haveyourselfashandy]

I also agree your DH is in a bad place and sometimes we do stupid things when we are not thinking straight.However,you need to protect yourself here,step back from the house thing,let your DH worry about that.If I was you I would definitely be looking into moving in with DM.Your MH is just as important as his and you can't risk him deserting you everytime things get tough.What if next time its for a longer period?
Yes,support him because he needs it but put yourself and your DS first,think how you can make your life easier.If that's moving in with your DM then so be it.It's hard with a baby and it won't be easy worrying if he can cope when things get tough.Think of YOU.

[Joysmum]

X posted with cataline. Thanks

Am just concerned that do many feel it appropriate to dictate to Apply in a time where's she's going to feel very vulnerable and confused. Now is not the time to be making permanent decisions.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

I agree with Joysmum. Don't worry about the long-term now, just get some rest and support around you all.

[livingzuid]

OP I am glad you have talked and that you'll be able to go and get some rest somewhere neutral for the day. I hope you're spoiling yourself right now.

It's good news too he has gone to the Dr. It can be a long road to recovery but it's a start.

When we are not ourselves we can't see the wood for the trees. Going straight to the Dr is not everyone's default position. There's also such fear and stigma attached to mh issues it's hard to go and talk to someone and admit there is a problem. I hope he sticks with it for your and your child's sake.

[TimeToPassGo]

Please read what heartstrumpsdiamonds wrote. She has survived this situation (and been where your DH is at the minute). I didn't really get all the angry ranting on the first page. Your DH sounds plausibly unwell to me BUT he was still a cock just leaving you with no warning. If you do decide you want things to work out you need to do what heart did - get a crisis plan in place for your family so that if you or DH need a night out of family obligations you have a protocol in place to follow.

I really wish you luck OP

And for the record no matter what was happening I would still write in full sentences with cap letters, punctuation etc. That's just who I am. What bullshit to say someone loses a lifetime of learning if they are 'really' ill.

[ApplySomePressure]

Thank you for the supportive messages- I've got to admit the LTB messages were very overwhelming. That's something that I am not considering.

I am not saying that he dealt with is correctly, but who does when they are in the throws of a depressive episode?

He booked me into a hotel near work/nursery because our home is 40mins from nursery. I had a whole day's sleep and am feeling much much better for it

Currently at DMs. Feels calmer here.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Really glad you got sleep and support.

[Joysmum]

Good for you OP. No need to make any decisions in the middle of such a stressful time for you. Now is not the best time to be making such important decisions.

So glad you have your mum to lean on. Take care.

[happystory]

Adding my two pennorth. My father had problems handling family life. Bear in mind we are talking forty years ago and his MH issues went largely undiagnosed. He never asked for help therefore we all thought it was our fault. But- getting to my point, sorry - he loved us, he still does but the issues went on and on and on, okay periods followed by periods of, frankly, hell. When things got too much for him, he just absented himself, sometimes emotionally, often physically. Mum was left to shoulder the burden. You say you are only looking to the immediate future but please bear in mind this may start a precedent if not dealt with. I say that kindly.

[AGnu]

We had similar problems after DS2 was born. I thought everything was fine but when DS2 was about 2 weeks DH started obsessing & worrying about random things that logically weren't even an issue. Having had experience with depression myself I eventually managed to convince him that men could get PND too & that it was ok to feel that way. For the next few weeks he'd come home from work & spend at least an hour off-loading to me. In the end I was so exhausted that I was in danger of getting depressed myself so I gently told him that I understood how he was feeling but that I couldn't be his only support while still adjusting to having 2 under 2. He accepted that & started talking to other people, bounced back surprisingly quickly & is now supporting me through my new bout of depression!

I'm genuinely horrified by some people's LTB response. Ok, he didn't handle it well but maybe he's just doing whatever he feels best for everyone. He might be wrong but depression can make you think everyone's better off without you. It's not necessarily a manipulative thing. FWIW, I get very careful about how I write things & what I say when I'm depressed. I'll re-write difficult messages several times to ensure they're as neutral & un-upsetting as possible. No doubt I can come across as cold or rude but I'd rather that than blubbering, out of control psychopath. I don't do it to be manipulative. I do it to maintain my own composure & try not to hurt anyone more than I can help.

My DH never actually left but he didn't exactly talk to me willingly either in the beginning. If I'd not had experience of MH issues I could easily have just got annoyed with his obsessions I did consider leaving at one point, with the DC, because of it - they were related to my business, nothing to do with him directly - & there's a strong possibility that our relationship could be over now. It's not because we talked, understood each other & accepted each other's flaws. Having young DC is difficult, especially when there are MH issues involved. Look after yourselves first & then each other. If you've only got the energy to sort yourself out then make sure you have other people you can both turn to. Sometimes 2 people isn't a big enough team!

[TimeToPassGo]

Glad you're feeling better OP. Reading what happy wrote just above I repeat: please read the post by heartstrumpsdiamonds. Her family have put a plan in place for times when the bad times hit (they may never do but better to have a plan). You may find this is very short term, caused by having a 10MO who isn't sleeping. Your DH needs to understand that he can't just walk out without planning. Very glad he is seeing GP.

Maybe in the short term you need to build in more support - like a night with a parent or in a hotel, just to let you catch up on sleep.

Longer term things may improve; they may improve somewhat with occasional 'planned' breaks for both of you; or as Happy says you may set a precedent. You are the only person who can decide what you are prepared to tolerate.

Wishing you luck.

[TimeToPassGo]

X-posted with AGnu's excellent post. Very glad you got through

[ApplySomePressure]

Thank you everyone, especially those sharing personal stories. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one.

Coming to DMs has really helped.